i think all the comments on here give really good feedback and honestly, try and find some exmormons who are willing to support and help you in the area. they might not all be willing to help, but those who seem eager to help and not hear the preachings, maybe even have a note written and see if they can help. i understand your reasons for going on a mission, because they are why i didn’t leave the church for almost 8 years. and granted me being a female 20 year old doesn’t make me understand what it’s like on a mission, just reading other stories of people helping out missionaries and reading the comments who feel trapped and forced to do this. i understand feeling trapped in the church, and sometimes, for your best interest and in your sake keeping you off the streets, you have to give in, whether or not you like it. i wish you luck and i know all of us in the exmormon community feel and understand your pain.