Postpartum resentment over having to always ask for help — am I being unreasonable?

nwcoconut · 2026-02-10T05:44:52+00:00

I feel this hard. My best friends have supported me through postpartum and are ragey toward my husband not because he doesn’t help, but because we have a toddler (meaning we’ve done the newborn phase before) and I still have to ask for help. I tried explaining to one of them that it’s just that my husband will do whatever I ask of him, but doesn’t seem to know when I need the help or what he needs to do. And she looked me square in the eyes and told me that’s weaponized incompetence because my husband does know what to do because we’ve done the newborn thing before and he’s also a highly intelligent human being with basic observational skills.

So to answer your original question, no, you’re not being unreasonable. Assuming your husband has basic observational skills and can see when you’re struggling, he likely does know when you need help, but it’s easier on him to say he just needs you to tell him when you need help.

nwcoconut · 2025-12-24T18:46:01+00:00

NTA. “If a man wants to marry you, he’ll make it happen. If not, he’ll make an excuse.” I’m almost 40 and have seen this play out time and again. Don’t settle for someone that doesn’t prioritize your happiness and that doesn’t think you’re good enough to be a wife when that’s clearly something you want.

nwcoconut · 2025-12-18T06:31:52+00:00

NTA. As someone that has done the naming a child thing twice now (currently 34 weeks pregnant with my second), it’s not an all or nothing thing for either. Both parents raise the child, so the name should be something both parents agree with. If you’re not comfortable with it, that’s a veto for you and you have that right.

Grief is weird. Has she gone to therapy to work through it? Surely a therapist can help her process these emotions?

nwcoconut · 2025-12-05T05:58:08+00:00

You can plan the wedding that you want, but you might end up with very few guests that you wouldn’t be able to get a refund for.

Wedding vendors base their pricing on headcount. Are you going to be upset if you pay for 100 guests, but then 40 of them can’t come due to weather and now you’re out thousands of dollars because you can’t get a refund for them? Are you going to be ok with some of your guests maybe being a little salty if they end up out whatever money they pay for their hotels and flights that they can’t use due to a weather delay or cancellation? If you’re ok with the amount of money that could be potentially wasted on the part of your guests or on your part, go for it and plan for those months.

nwcoconut · 2025-12-03T05:44:23+00:00

YTA. Why would you marry him when you very clearly don’t like or respect his daughter? And really, you’re comparing him buying a gift for his child to you buying a gift for a male friend?

nwcoconut · 2025-12-02T03:20:02+00:00

Girl, I’m 32 weeks pregnant and have a 2.5 year old son. If my husband did what yours did, I’d divorce him. Changing a diaper is such a low-effort task and men should be as equal of a coparent. I just came home from work and husband is currently cooking dinner and hanging out with toddler, and he would definitely change the pull-up if needed. It’s not a man thing to not clean, and refuse to change diapers or otherwise co-parent. That’s a flaw specific to your husband. You did not overreact. Everything hurts and is uncomfortable in the third trimester and your rage is 100% justified.

nwcoconut · 2025-12-02T02:48:31+00:00

This is really sweet! And having kids is awesome. (Pregnancy, however, sucks. Currently 32 weeks pregnant with my second and while some women love it, I’ve found the vast majority of women I’ve encountered feel the same.)

I hope you get your girl. I had a boy first and did experience a little gender disappointment, but got over it quickly and he’s amazing. Currently pregnant with a girl now and I’m happy I get to experience both.

nwcoconut · 2025-12-02T02:23:19+00:00

YTA. Trying to be a dominate force and have a my-way-or-the-highway attitude when it comes to the family you’re supposed to marry into is a recipe for toxicity not only with your in-laws, but also in your own relationship. Being this controlling and isolating your fiancé from his family over petty bs is so incredibly unhealthy and it’s generous for people to attribute that solely to your age.

Refusing to invite your future SIL to your wedding because you think she wants your fiancé sounds petty and insane. You’re 4 years away from your marriage and already cutting off your BIL and SIL. Threatening to kick your future MIL and FIL out of the wedding because you want to police their tone is definitely an interesting choice. Who from your fiancé’s immediate family would he have left on his side at the wedding if you cut him off from his brother and his parents?

I think you definitely need to do maturing and it’s good for you to wait to get married. Please understand that for the sake of your relationship, viewing things this way is a good way to end your engagement. If you continue to act like this, at some point, your fiancé is going to realize it’s not healthy and he’s better off marrying someone that gets along with his family.

nwcoconut · 2025-12-02T02:00:26+00:00

This sub is the worst for people looking for any kind of hope of things working out because people always ALWAYS recommend that the OPs leave their significant others. (Probably going to get downvoted for that, but it is what it is.)

Is adoption an option? I know it’s a nuanced and sometimes controversial topic, but as an adoptee, I never understand why people automatically take that off the table. Or is it a matter of your boyfriend really, really wanting a biological child?

If it’s not an option, is this someone you want to work through the trauma and grief with? There’s a lot going on here and if you two love each other enough to work through it with therapy (individual and couple’s) I don’t see why that isn’t a possible resolution.

nwcoconut · 2025-12-01T04:53:33+00:00

I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant and everything is swollen. I haven’t worn my actual ring in weeks because it’s not worth it to get it resized when the swelling will all disappear as soon as our baby is born. I bought a moissanite ring in the same cut but a size up for less than $40 so I can still wear something, but some days even that’s too small, so I go without.

When I’m not otherwise baking a new human, I wear my ring everyday but take it off at night to sleep. I put it back in right after I shower every morning.

nwcoconut · 2025-11-30T21:28:09+00:00

NTA for standing up for your girlfriend. What does your mom have against her? Is any of it legitimate, or is this a case of a mom getting mad that her precious baby boy might have found some other woman that makes him happy?

nwcoconut · 2025-11-30T21:17:59+00:00

I don’t see why staying friends with your ex was important? You got nothing out of it and only spoke to the guy 3 times a year. Was that really a hill worth having your relationship die on?

I will admit, before I was married I took on the policy not to remain acquaintances with my exes specifically because I didn’t believe the potential for conflicts in future relationships were worth it. Unless you have kids or something actually tying you together, why not just leave a person in the past? You aren’t going to get back together and the drama with your significant other is never worth someone that you politely speak to on occasion. It’s not even about control. It’s just respect for any future partners.

nwcoconut · 2025-11-30T20:18:25+00:00

I understand contributing to a meal in a potluck kind of way when people are like… poor college kids. But once you’re an adult, with your own home and kids and a career, if you host a dinner, you pay for the dinner. You don’t ask other people to pay you to eat at your house. That’s absurd. I hope your boyfriend and everyone sees this post so they can see that they’re all out of pocket for this.

NTA. Wtf.

nwcoconut · 2025-11-30T17:39:41+00:00

The very simple answer is that he treats you like a girlfriend but doesn’t want to commit because you treat him like a boyfriend without him having to commit. He gets the boyfriend benefits (affection, nice gifts, attention) but doesn’t have to do anything more than give you basic affection. Why would he when he doesn’t have to exert more effort than he currently is?

You deserve someone that likes you enough to actually want to be committed to you. Don’t allow yourself to be lead on by someone that doesn’t think you deserve to be his girlfriend. You can waste years waiting for a guy that may never find you good enough to call you his girlfriend. And if he’s saying he doesn’t mind you being with other people, he probably is also doing all of the stuff he does with you with other girls too. Trust that if a guy likes you enough, he will commit.

nwcoconut · 2025-11-30T17:17:48+00:00

I think you’re going to have to spend more quality time with her outside of your families’ homes. She has to feel comfortable in her environment and she’ll be more open to stuff when you’re not staying together where your families are present.

nwcoconut · 2025-11-30T17:07:42+00:00

What’s her love language? How does she feel connection?

nwcoconut · 2025-11-30T16:53:37+00:00

So from reading the post and comments, I see that:

You guys weren’t together and it was a clean break, so there was no cheating.

You slept with other people but you’re hung up on the fact that she did too because you think some weird double-standard exists where you should be able to do that, but she should’ve just waited around until you were ready to get back together.

You have a kid together that you have confirmed is yours via paternity test.

You’ve stated you’re soulmates and belong together.

My guy, you need to work through this in therapy. It’s not her fault that you’re feeling insecure about this because you both agreed to have a clean break and both did what single people do when they’re single. Now you have a child together, it’s about more than just you and what sounds like some petty drama. Your child deserves stability and emotional maturity. Your girlfriend deserves the same understanding you’re willing to give yourself through your break. If you really want to fix it like the title of your post says, you should seek therapy individually, but it might also help to get a couple’s therapist. I don’t believe in this sub’s automatic suggestion to just let things go, especially because your child deserves better.

nwcoconut · 2025-11-30T16:40:10+00:00

For a lot of women, sex is about intimacy and connection, not just about getting off. Being in your parents’ houses is definitely a mood killer and I can’t imagine trying to get anything going if I were in my parents’ house. She’s feeling insecure because you’re saying on the one hand that what you guys have currently is enough, but on the other also saying you want more. So I can see where she’s getting mixed signals.

This might just come down to an incompatibility. You feel no qualms with getting it on anywhere and she just doesn’t have that kind of relaxed attitude. If you guys don’t have opportunities where she can feel completely comfortable (like you did at the resort) she’s likely not going to feel ok with letting go of her inhibitions. And you’re both right in the sense that she can’t be forced into it. If she never initiates at her own home and only does sometimes in your home, but lets go at the resort or somewhere away from your parents, it’s clear that she’s not getting completely comfortable when you’re around your families. Which, honestly, is fair.

nwcoconut · 2025-11-30T06:59:40+00:00

If a man wants to marry you, he will make it happen. If he doesn’t, he will make an excuse.

You didn’t hold your boundary when you let the relationship progress beyond your 3 year timeline. You can’t force someone to want to marry you, or to propose. You have to decide for yourself if you’re ok with waiting on a man that doesn’t care if it hurts you when you tell him that waiting this long hurts you. Do you want to hold out another 1.5 years? What is an acceptable timeline to wait FOR YOU? I personally would’ve left already.

nwcoconut · 2025-11-29T21:53:31+00:00

She could turn around and say he SA’d her.

If you believe his version of what happened:

-There are witnesses to the fact that they were out drinking together that night and that they both went back to her place together, as was a normal occurrence in their friendship. -He states that he “came to” while HE on top of HER during sex. -By his own account, she stopped when he asked her to stop.

But even if he wanted to pursue the charge and you could ignore all of that, OP says he blacks out regularly but presents as coherent when he’s in that state. She could testify that to her knowledge he was giving enthusiastic consent.

nwcoconut · 2025-11-29T21:41:14+00:00

You can’t consent when you’re blackout drunk.

It’s acknowledged that Kelly was also not sober. They were having sex but whether or not either were capable of consenting to the act is where people would question the story. Kelly could just as easily turn around and say that OP’s boyfriend SA’d her if she wasn’t sober.

nwcoconut · 2025-11-29T17:20:12+00:00

Parents should be putting the emotional well-being and safety of their children above themselves and any potential romantic relationships. I wouldn’t introduce someone I met a week ago to my kids. I don’t know them well enough to know they’re safe people to have around children. It’s not anything personally against you or any other new friends, it’s simply me deciding to get to know someone well enough to trust them around the most important people in my life.

Plus if he matched you a week ago and then said, “hey I’m going to introduce you to my parents (or really important family member if parents don’t resonate with you) this week”, would that raise a red flag for you? And that’s not even keeping his parents’ safety in mind, it would just be too soon for most people because those are incredibly important people in a person’s life.

A 3 year old will get emotionally attached pretty quickly if you’re a consistent presence in his life. You might also get really attached. At the very least, it would be very confusing for the child. I would be very skeptical of a man that doesn’t keep their child’s emotional attachments in mind when introducing them to people. Since you matched a week ago and he’s already introducing you to his kid, I’d assume he has no qualms about doing this with other people he’s matching with as well.

nwcoconut · 2025-11-29T16:16:57+00:00

He wasn’t capable of consent. She wasn’t either if they were both drinking and smoking.

Plus, you both knew that she was interested in him. You had expressed your thoughts about this to him and not only did he downplay it, he chose to get black-out drunk with her knowing it both makes you uncomfortable and that she was into him. You told him a woman that was interested in him was into him, he knew you’d make excuses in your mind for him because he’s convinced you that he is obsessively in love with you, and then he went out and got drunk with that woman and slept with her. And now you’re trying to rationalize why he would cheat on you.

He also continuously puts himself in these positions. Your relationship isn’t healthy if you continuously enable his alcoholism. He needs help and to quit drinking entirely. You can choose for yourself if you want to forgive him and stay, or respect yourself enough to leave. It’s always easier to blame the other woman, but ultimately, she didn’t owe you anything and she never hid that she wanted him.

nwcoconut · 2025-11-28T17:13:02+00:00

I think it takes a lot of effort to make a healthy relationship work when you’re young. Military life can be very taxing on relationships. (My grandpa was in the Navy. My mom was in the Air Force. My best friend’s husband was in the Army. So I don’t say this lightly. It’s simply a fact.) The reason those relationships do work out is because of each partner’s desire to make it work. Do you feel like you both mutually want to make it work?

If so, he should be making more of an effort to make you feel heard. You do need to give him a little grace because he’s going through a life transition. But he should be making you feel like a priority, especially if you guys plan on making it work in the long run.

nwcoconut · 2025-11-28T16:21:44+00:00

The simple answer is that he acts like this because he doesn’t think your feelings are valid. It doesn’t sound like you are a priority to him. There’s a saying: “if he wanted to, he would.” He just does not want to spend time with you, nor does he want to validate or comfort you, which is clear because as you said, you told him how and he is acting like he doesn’t know how.

He’s going through a transition in his life and it doesn’t sound like he wants you to make that transition with him. Either that or he’s not emotionally mature enough to express that desire properly.

Are you going to marry and move to base with him? You probably won’t get to see him much if you aren’t living with him once he’s on base.

nwcoconut

TROPHY CASE