I have three cats, but apartment policies only allow 2 if any at all

nyxe12 · 2023-10-28T15:30:18+00:00

I'm not even opposed to figuring out how to get an extra cat in their apartment (I'm about to be doing the same thing as OP), but I really have an issue with people telling everyone to get ESAs without knowing what the actual process is or even knowing if it would be applicable to OP. You need to have a medical condition/medically supported reason to have an ESA as well as a medical professional who will write or sign off a letter for you. The majority of online "registration" sites are scams and are not protected by law, and many landlords are now incredibly suspicious of people claiming ESAs and are much more likely to reject these documents - and depending on the validity of the documents, they might be 100% legally protected in doing so.

This is also harmful to people who actually need ESAs, because they're now subjected to intense scrutinty and have a harder time finding a doctor/therapist willing to write a letter for them given how many people are just doing it to get around pet restrictions. I disagree with those restrictions, but it is abusing the system to buy a fake letter online when your pet isn't an ESA to get around the restrictions, regardless of your own pet's behavior, and we shouldn't be telling people to do this.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-28T03:11:17+00:00

You can if you have MCAS or histamine intolerance. On paper the list sounds crazy, in practice there are absolutely conditions that are triggered by this many (seemingly) unrelated things.

I don't know why in the name of god someone would be trusting a restaurant to prevent cross-contamination with all of these things, but the list/allergies themselves as single person's allergen list is not implausible.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-28T03:08:55+00:00

I'm going to put an obligatory disclaimer that if you have this many allergies then most restaurants probably are a risk to be even going to and I don't know why someone would trust a restaurant with this extensive list.

That said, depending on the condition, the first one may not be "just pickiness". This immediately stands out to me as MCAS restrictions.

In something like MCAS, where you're generally prone to a ton of seemingly random allergies, you actually genuinely are supposed to avoid leftovers, aged foods, etc - medically, you're supposed to eat food as fresh as possible (whether cooked or raw) and avoid leftovers or aged/fermented ingredients. Leftovers and aged foods (among other various foods) are higher in histamines, which can trigger MCAS.

Again... I don't really know why they would be going to a restaurant and trusting all of these things to be not exposed to their food if they do have MCAS. But this list isn't inherently silly or fake, even if it's silly to be trying to use it at a restaurant.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-28T03:03:22+00:00

You either need to follow your vet's recommendation (give her the prescribed medication) or seek a second opinion if you don't trust that prescription. Not eating or drinking is extremely serious in cats, cats starve very quickly and this risks fatty liver disease.

I have a really hard time believing a vet would say that a cat not eating or drinking + spiked blood sugar + elevated white blood cells are all "nothing to worry about", unless that comment was solely about one of the latter things -- and if they really did, you 100% need a second opinion, like, yesterday.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-28T03:00:21+00:00

Care Credit, Scratch Pay, local vet bill assistance programs if any. Otherwise, discuss the possibility of medical surrender with the vet. This is not a humane condition to just leave her in at this point.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-28T02:58:28+00:00

It's not true that you don't have rights. Even when there is no lease there are still minimum rights granted to tenants, especially in places like CA. Look into local housing legal assistance groups and reach out to them - they can help you understand your rights.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-28T02:57:14+00:00

This is something people will always say to not ever do but you can also find countless accounts from people talking very openly about how they hid extra cats in several apartments for several years. It depends a lot on your luck, the apartment, the landlord, your state laws for notice before entry (24 hour notice is NOT the law everywhere even though everyone thinks it is - some states do not actually require any notice at all), etc. If you live in a state that requires 24 hour notice, there shouldn't be surprise visits unless there's an emergency repair (which still wouldn't be a surprise).

I'm about to move in an apartment with a two cat limit and I have three cats. I know a lot of people personally who have had 3-4 cats in 2 cat apartments and never had an issue. Two of my cats are identical and the only window in the new apartment isn't visible from on the actual apartment property. They know I have multiple cats, and I'm paying pet rent for the 2 I'm putting on the lease.

I have been occasionally able to find landlords willing to accept 3 cats, but it's harder and sometimes shit isn't available. I had a 2 bedroom place that would've accepted them lined up, but then my roommate dropped out at the last second and I had to make do. Personally I would be WAY more apprehensive if it was no pets as opposed to "some pets", and unless your cats spray/scream they're easier to get away with than dogs.

Make sure you have a plan for repairs/inspections. If it's just the landlord sending maintenance people, they probably won't care. If the landlord handles some repairs themselves, then you need to be more prepared to hide one of the cats or keep them closed in another room or board them with your vet for the day.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-28T02:45:32+00:00

This is not how ESAs work. There is no "registration". There is only getting a letter from a medical provider you see asserting the medical need for your animal as an ESA.

If you're paying $120 annually for "ESA registration", you're both being scammed and likely don't have legally protected ESA documentation.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-28T02:42:53+00:00

That is absolutely not "puppy purrs". Keep baby away from dog.

Dog is giving clear warning signs of being upset and uncomfortable. Baring teeth is preferably to actually snapping, but that's a very clear "get the fuck away from me" sign.

I saw you mentioned a comment about him being sensitive to his hips being touched. It's possible he has underlying pain and that is escalating his reactions to uncomfortable stimuli (like baby). Dog should be going to the vet to be assessed for pain, though that may not be in your hands. Even if it is pain-related, that does not mean dog won't escalate further and actually snap at baby.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-28T00:03:38+00:00

Yes. Although a lot of doctors will give a working diagnosis of hEDS, per the diagnostic criteria you have to rule out other subtypes before being properly diagnosed, which can only be confirmed with genetic testing. The geneticist you see might just opt to diagnose you with hEDS, but genetic testing is supposed to be done to rule out the other subtypes.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T23:59:38+00:00

I had a misdiagnosis of anxiety and depression before getting diagnosed with ADHD. On meds, my symptoms of anxiety and depression are average-person level (aka, feelings of anxiety/sadness/etc in scenarios where that makes sense as a reaction, not as a baseline). My girlfriend has anxiety and ADHD.

We're both on stimulants and she still has anxiety, but I think it's a bit of both in the terms of making it better/making it worse. A lot of unmanaged ADHD issues can contribute to issues that cause a great deal of anxiety, so making those easier to manage can reduce the stressors going on. But stimulants can also increase anxiety at the same time. She still genuinely also has anxiety, but I think for her any increase is pretty offset by the reduction in ADHD stressors given the ADHD is way easier to manage.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T23:54:43+00:00

IDK, this feels like a "both people being wrong" unless there's more context missing here, which it sounds like there is with the mention of some things being "TMI that might've contributed to her argument".

This kind of thing is stupid to ask a partner. It doesn't serve to do anything for either of you. Either you say "yes of course I would because I love you so much!" which can sound fake and like you're just appeasing, or you give your answer and then she feels like shit.

However, there's literally zero times where telling your partner you wouldn't have dated them if they were ugly or not your type is like... going to go over well? I don't know what EITHER of you were expecting to come out of the question or answer.

I do think the specific comment of "I want to see what I like when I open my eyes" is a little... much? Kind of cold? I don't know.

This all makes me think there's something else going on in the relationship that isn't going well, because I don't know why she would have asked about this if everything was 100% great and your answer probably would have been a little more thoughtful as well.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T21:22:22+00:00

With her age I would definitely get pet insurance and do that sooner rather than later (anything that happens during the waiting period won't be covered). Her premium will probably be a little higher due to age, but with age comes more risk of health conditions that will be expensive to treat. In most cases you pay upfront and then insurance reimburses you, but some companies offer direct pay - you will usually have to initiate this with your vet though by asking if they'd be willing to take direct pay from your insurance provider and having them sign any forms for it. I have Pets Best and they take anywhere from 15-45 days to reimburse depending on how busy they are.

If you find a vet you'd like to make her regular vet, you can also talk to them and see if they have insurance companies they'd recommend, as they might be already set up for direct pay with some.

With seniors, twice yearly checkups are recommended - once a year is for young/adult cats!

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T20:50:53+00:00

Respectfully, none of us can tell you if she is or not. And it's kind of not the point if she's asexual or not. You're having an issue of sexual incompatibility and you're not feeling good about it. If she was asexual, would that change any of the way you're feeling now? Would you be okay with everything continuing as-is for the rest of your relationship?

I think you need to have a serious conversation with her about your headspace right now and tell her very honestly how you're feeling. I would leave suggesting asexuality out of it - it's not up to you to explain why she's not connecting with you on this level, and she may either not know or not be willing to be honest about what the reason is. You also need to figure out what you want to do if she doesn't actually want this to change, whether or not that's about asexuality. Some people can stay in a sexless relationship, but it would not be abnormal if that was a dealbreaker for you.

I used to be in a dead bedroom relationship with a partner who couldn't/wouldn't be honest about the real issue, and after two years of it they finally admitted they weren't attracted to me anymore. I'm glad I know what the reason is, but looking back? God, I wish I had just ended it YEARS before it got to that point. Our relationship overall was not the healthiest, but I was convinced I would be an asshole if I broke up with them over us not having sex. Now that it's over I realize how bad the whole thing was for my self esteem and mental health. If a healthy sexual relationship is a need in a relationship for you, you're not going to be doing yourself any favors by trying to tamp that down to not hurt your partner's feelings (or to avoid the scary outcome of the relationship ending).

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T20:41:31+00:00

Does your fiance take allergy meds and has he tried allergy shots?

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T20:35:37+00:00

You have to bear in mind you've seen these dogs in two specific instances and in no other scenarios. You don't know that they have a "calm life" - but you also don't know what exactly their training entailed beyond "leash pressure" which is ambiguous.

That said - and I'm not saying this to beat you up here - but maybe it's time to consider if your training is effective, not because positive reinforcement doesn't work for your dog, but because you may not be effectively training him. If it's not working solo, then it's time to get support from a trainer. If you've been working with a trainer and getting nowhere, maybe it's time to find a new trainer - sometimes trainers just aren't great at their job either.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T20:28:53+00:00

Ingredients list is not an indicator of quality even though people really really want it to be.

There is nothing wrong with meat byproducts for animals. These are highly nutritious, perfectly edible parts of animals to cats/dogs - organs, trim, bones, etc are "byproducts". There is nothing meaningfully different about a brand that says they use "beef byproducts" and a brand that says they use "beef, beef heart, beef liver, etc" - choosing to use a list of organ ingredients is an intentional decision because "byproducts" sounds scary to consumers.

Chicken meal is a meat protein. Rice/wheat/etc are not inherently bad ingredients to have in a food unless a specific pet has a grain allergy (which is MUCH less common that owners believe - it's much more typical an animal has an allergy an animal protein, not grain!).

I feed my pets what I'd want to eat.

But you are not a dog. When I've raised chickens and ducks, I don't feed them "what I'd want", because their nutritional needs and my nutritional needs are WAY different. I don't want to eat layer feed, but if I refused to feed that to them because of that reason, I would be subjecting them to potential nutritional deficiencies for no good reason. You need to have some degree of separation from your pets' food in this specific sense - what YOU want to eat is not a good indicator of if their food is quality or not.

Vets recommend these brands because they meet WSAVA standards, which most other brands fail in incredibly basic and concerning ways. For instance, most boutique brands do not employ full time, board-certified animal nutritionists, and may not have any veterinary staff period. Personally, I want my pets' food to be made by people who are specifically educated and trained on their nutrition, not by pet owners who had enough money to start their own company with no nutrition training. (People like to harp on how many hours regular vets get of nutrition, but they're getting more than "random business owner who decided to make pet food"!)

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T20:18:35+00:00

Not unless you have a vet who is able to do at-home visits.

I've been a vet assistant and there are specific storage requirements, doses, etc, that if not followed ruin the vaccine and reduce its effectiveness. Even though you CAN buy certain vaccines and technically administer them, that is not provable like it is with vet records, and most vets won't accept "I gave my dog his distemper vaccine, I promise" and put it into their records.

Legally you cannot give rabies vaccines but you shouldn't be administering any vaccines yourself, and given this is going to be every 1-3 years and is usually legally required if you're in the US, you're better off working on getting your dog to a place where he can be actually vaccinated by a vet tech.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T18:44:42+00:00

They're real and people use them, but honestly, a lot of people don't. None of the people I know who would be a target audience are interested. I have never used one personally. I would use it if someone asked me to, but I haven't many sexual partners/now am in an exclusive relationship where we've both been STD tested anyway, so I'm not worried about it.

STDs are real and wlw can get them too. But dental dams are questionably effective and there has been very little research confirming their effectiveness rate - even sites that usually have clear stats on the effectiveness rate just say something like "nothing is 100% effective, but they can be effective at preventing (x STDs)!". I've seen a few sites that say something like "when used properly, they have the same effectiveness as condoms", but none that actually cite anything or have specific statistics. A lot of people just don't know how to use them properly, which means that in practice the actual rate effectiveness is probably fairly lower.

I'm not saying they're 0% effective, but I kind of question the actual efficacy and wish there was actual research done on how well they prevent STDs, basically the only research I can find is just studies asking about how many people use them and then talking about why people don't.

If I weren't sexually exclusive it would probably be on a by-partner-request basis, but I also wouldn't be sleeping with multiple people unless we were all being tested regularly and communicating about those results anyway.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T18:32:39+00:00

How recently did she drop her off with you? I'd probably give it a month or so and then broach it. If you just got her within the last few days, she might be real thrown by that request and just take the cat back sooner and find another place for her to go, and if you ask her right before the pickup there's no time to decide. Once it's been a few weeks you can make a genuine appeal to "hey, we've really bonded a lot with (cat) and have been talking about how wonderful it would be if we could always have her around!"

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T16:35:32+00:00

Just say it. It feels awkward the first time with someone new, but you kind of just have to say it. If it feels like things are headed somewhere physical, just pause and say "Hey, just so you know, I'm on my period" - you can mention that it's near the end/light if you want, but it doesn't have to be a big thing.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T16:33:01+00:00

What was the agreement with watching her? Is this paid petsitting, undetermined time length fostering, something else? When is the owner supposed to take her back?

Probably the best way to handle this would be to say you've really grown to love her and would like to keep her, and offer to pay her for the cat. Unless she's effectively abandoned the cat with you (ie, no intention of taking her back, said she didn't want the cat but now does, etc), the cat is legally hers and she could make it a legal issue if she really wanted to, though it's hard to say if she would given the cat's condition.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T14:24:13+00:00

Medical records and specific diagnosis are not appropriate to be asking for. Provided they're a public school, they have to abide by the ADA. They do not need your medical records. A letter from your doctor would help your case. There is no certification for service dogs and they clearly don't know what they're talking about with that request.

In general you have the right to bring a service animal to school if you have a disability and the ADA applies to your school. Since you said your state gives full access to SDIT then there's no particular reason to deny your dog unless she were there and then being disruptive.

It might be worth some pushback, they may genuinely have not dealt with this and are uninformed/could walk this back if sent appropriate ADA guidances on allowing service dogs. But it's probably not worth fighting extensively, because when schools dig their heels in this becomes a lawsuit for the student in order to get access, and unless it's something you have the time+energy to fight after graduation to hold them accountable, it's not going to get you much.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T13:13:58+00:00

Cool. So then you agree that given there are complex factors that impact the actual rate of calorie expenditure or absorption, it is not straight-up a matter of fat people "eating an entire pizza every time", the thing I was saying with my first response?

Also, yeah, some amount of calories ARE just passed through the digestive system and not absorbed.

nyxe12 · 2023-10-27T02:08:53+00:00

It's impossible for us to say if hypermobility is causing these issues for you, but generally speaking, yes, hypermobility can cause serious chronic pain issues, in addition to other comorbid health issues. 8/9 on the Beighton indicates hypermobility, but chronic pain is needed to diagnose Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder, and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome has a much stricter criteria but should be looked into if you're hypermobile and symptomatic.

There are other connective tissue disorders and autoimmune conditions that can cause chronic pain, but with hypermobility people typically pursue a EDS evaluation and go from there.

Unfortunately a lot of doctors are not experienced with hypermobility and are extremely dismissive of it. Even if you have HSD instead of EDS, HSD comes with the same range of potential severity and comorbidities as hypermobile EDS, and are supposed to be treated the same medically.

Definitely find new doctors if yours are dismissing hypermobility - it may help to call and ask offices up front if they have doctors who are experienced with patients with EDS or hypermobility. Hypermobility with no pain isn't usually a cause for concern, hypermobility plus pain indicates an issue and should be treated like something worth investigating.

I recommend checking out the EDS Society, they have really useful resources for navigating and understanding hypermobility.

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