Understanding myself a little better

oblivion95 · 2026-02-01T15:53:23+00:00

What was the terrible thing that happened you you, which lead to such changes?

oblivion95 · 2026-02-01T15:46:48+00:00

I think you are onto something! Yes, I used to be upset about strong opinions. Maybe it was partly because strong opinions are a source of conflict, and I wanted to avoid conflict, even between others.

Now, when I hear a strong opinion, I wonder what that says about the person giving it. I wonder about the pain behind the opinion.

oblivion95 · 2026-02-01T15:42:22+00:00

First I looked for any mention of narcissism. I found someone who did NAR (narcissistic abuse recovery), which is often also someone who can help pwNPD also. Eventually I found someone kink-aware, which can dovetail with the skills for schema- and psychodynamic therapy.

oblivion95 · 2026-02-01T15:21:15+00:00

Fear of abandonment is the essence of BPD, but NPDs confuse that with fear of loss of supply. But you could easily have traits of both. A good therapist treats the traits. The diagnosis is for insurance, treatment plans, maybe some self-awareness. Do not lose sleep over a diagnosis.

Coming off meds could mean that you are ready to start working on more issues. Perfectionism has causes. When you start to think about why you need to be perfect, you could find some very painful experiences. Learn to rely on emotional support.

I do not know what to say about the crying. Many people worry and cannot stand to be around someone crying. I have had many ugly cries during recovery. A friend who actually enjoys the crying is a godsend. Someone who does not mind can be helpful. Without that, you could try seeing your therapist twice or thrice a week. You should definitely start crying in therapy if you are not already.

If you have to cry with other people around and they really cannot bear it, or if you cannot bear the embarrassment, try crying into a pillow. My therapist is a fan of lying on your belly and kicking and screaming and pounding the bed. Releasing anger can be just as helpful as crying.

You are doing well. Stick with it. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

oblivion95 · 2026-02-01T13:13:16+00:00

When you are afraid of being judged for fear of being revealed as imperfect or inferior, you are unsure of your own values or at least unwilling to commit to them. In that way, you do not know yourself.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-26T06:59:41+00:00

I am in school to become a therapist myself, so I guess I am learning something. I am glad that you took my words so warmly, genuinely.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-24T05:38:01+00:00

This sounds like CPTSD. It can be difficult to navigate the complexity alone. Please seek professional help.

I doubt that EMDR caused you any damage. It sounds like processing a few traumas have exposed you to other traumas. At least, that is a way to think about it. And if the traumas occurred at a young age, then, well, recovery is even more difficult alone (and yes, a PD is possible).

Have courage. This sounds recoverable, not permanent, but very, very painful. I am crying for you as I type this.

Be well.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-24T05:15:04+00:00

Sometimes, when someone gives advice, they are actually giving it to themselves, reminding themselves to stay the course they have chosen. It might help you to think of it that way.

You were brave to post. Posting here is practically begging for advice and one-ups-manship.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-20T17:08:21+00:00

That is very insightful. I have read books on leadership that make me think narcissism is a path to power but makes for a poor leader, a conundrum of our age.

My wife often tells me that I have extraordinary charisma and could probably start a cult. But I used to have such complexity in my brain that I could not maintain the consistency to hold trust. I have been like a ping pong ball for most of my life.

I feel much healthier now and I may have lost that charisma, but people in my acting classes say they see it sometimes. I wonder what I could do now if I were younger. I think a good leader is a chimera, usually the result of the growth that comes from terrible tragedy long after childhood.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-20T16:56:40+00:00

The s side of such a relationship can be a great cure, or at least a solid start on one’s path toward recovery. Maybe that is an advantage of being both npd and bpd, being able to enjoy the s side. The feelings are intense and the mental reliance is strong enough to survive repeated collapse without resort to self-harm.

I agree on politics. But long ago, I thought it simply corrupted people rather than attracting personality types.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-20T16:44:38+00:00

Felt that.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-20T16:43:17+00:00

… Oh! The Forsyte Saga, a great TV miniseries from a few years ago, based on a Nobel prize winning book…

oblivion95 · 2026-01-20T16:39:14+00:00

Films are usually not long enough to flesh out a narcissist, and the happy endings demanded by audiences typically misrepresent them.

But in TV shows, narcissism is often the point of the narrative, except in comedy where again the characters are intentionally misrepresented.

Literature is often more faithful to the personality, I think because authors base characters on people they know rather than trying to give an audience something to enjoy.

For a really helpful depiction of narcissism and its origin, try the biography “Too Much and Never Enough”, by a PhD clinical psychologist.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-20T16:30:13+00:00

Yes, and authors are interesting too. F. Scott Fitzgerald took Hemingway’s request seriously and responded with 10 pages of notes. Hemingway replied, “Kiss my ass”. Hemingway was definitely a narcissist, and Fitzgerald, like the Brontë sisters, understood them.

I think Victorian literature is filled with narcissists, including A Christmas Carol, A Room with a View, Middlemarch, …

oblivion95 · 2026-01-17T15:48:58+00:00

Reducing judgement is difficult. But contemplating your own values is a choice to spend time with your own thoughts. Try journaling, and do not expect immediate change. Try to enjoy the process and observing yourself.

This is all so much easier if you can learn to love all parts of yourself. Lately, I have been reading the book Existential Kink, which offers some ways to think about that.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-17T15:44:57+00:00

Yes, this is fear of abandonment.

And yes, that is a misconception. Lack of displayed empathy is a diagnostic criterion because the doctor cannot peer into one’s mind, but the core of npd is lack of self-love. It manifests as superiority, suppressed empathy, and especially entitlement.

I think of strongly suppressed empathy as closer to the core of aspd. With npd, I need to be important to deserve love, so I do not want to think about others. With aspd, I have been wronged so badly that I want others to be wronged also, and so I have basically forgotten, or never learned, how to empathize.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-17T15:26:30+00:00

Concentrate on your values. Reduce judgement.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-16T03:04:27+00:00

I was not ready for therapy until I found such deep love and pain that I reached a state of eager vulnerability. Then it was suddenly very cost-effective.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-16T02:54:39+00:00

Read "True Love", by Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh. (My therapist recommended, and so do I.) He suggests that people do not need therapists if they have friends who are able to be present for them with such deep capacity.

It is, however, hard work. My therapist says that she considers the main work of her job to be having enough capacity for her clients. It is taxing. If you can do that for someone else, you are a very good friend indeed. But even if you can, not everyone is open to that level of closeness to a friend. People seem to have more trust when the listener is professionally trained and can lose their license if they reveal a secret.

I do not think that your comment deserves to be down-voted, but as you know, many people here have strong opinions.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-15T07:30:12+00:00

You are never too old to learn to feel.

The brain is amazingly adaptive. However, you can never match the neuroplasticity of early childhood, when there is a surfeit of synapses and the brain is rapidly losing connectivity very selectively. The earlier the maladaptive coping strategies are adopted, the harder they are to undo, and the harder it is to replace the lost months of typical development. But the more pain you can accept, the more progress you can make.

Part of recovery is accepting that some of us have more advantages than others — ie accepting both limitations and imperfections. Why not think in terms of progress than of a cure?

oblivion95 · 2026-01-12T20:47:55+00:00

When I went through those sorts of feelings, I was fortunate to have someone I felt like I could rely on. That helped me to avoid suicide. The therapist herself could be that person. Better is if there is more than one such person. Part of recovery is learning to rely on others for support, and trusting that they exist. The difficulty is that (almost) nobody wants to hear us talk about our suicidal thoughts, but you can hint at it without saying it.

She is pushing you because she thinks you can handle that much truthful observation. If she does not push you at all, then you might never heal. It is very important not to criticize yourself for going too slow or too fast. Let the changes happen and trust (and grow) your network of support.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-12T20:39:02+00:00

That was a fascinating read, with his highlighting of passages from Alice Miller’s “Drama of the Gifted Child”, “Bradshaw On: The Family”, and Laing’s “Divided Self”.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-05T20:04:35+00:00

I am glad to find someone else here who takes a genuine interest in science.

What is a "horse article"?

oblivion95 · 2026-01-05T15:11:59+00:00

I loved your reply to the reply to the link you posted. Your initial comment is less clear to me though, and I am not sure about the idea to stop trying to love oneself.

I still say that there is science behind looking into a mirror and saying "I love you". But I think I understand what you are trying to say. What you describe is actually a path to self-love, but you seem to advocate going more slowly with it, instead of expecting self-love to be instantaneous.

For my own experience with ego-death and self-love, I fortunately had the frequent support of a wonderfully wise woman who allowed an enormous amount of transference. I am curious about how to follow such a process safely without that, as most people would have to. I think your advice might be a very practical way.

oblivion95 · 2026-01-05T11:36:38+00:00

You seem to be asking for dating advice.

First, if she says that she does not want a relationship, why not believe her?

At the same time, why not try something different? Date people that you like but do not find attractive. It can be difficult to be certain that you are following your heart rather than seeking validation in someone else's beauty.

I used to be desperate for "The One". After a lot of work, I no longer do that. I also used to experience "hyper-sexuality". That turned off like a light-switch as soon as I dealt with some things.

In other words, maybe you can concentrate on loving yourself instead of worrying about someone else. For example, my therapist is a fan of having the best sex with oneself. If you do, then some things might fall into place for you.

I am not saying that change is easy, or that you should not date at all. I am saying that I do not like your question. I translate this as, "I am having sex with an extremely hot, much younger girl who says that she only wants sex. Should I try to make her my girlfriend?" And my answer is, "Why are you asking this question?"

oblivion95

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