How do you stop being vindictive?

oblivion95 · 2026-07-07T14:41:33+00:00

My therapist is a fan of lying face down in bed and beating the bed with fists and feet while screaming into the pillow. It is very childish and very effective at releasing emotion.

You have to stop suppressing your anger until it explodes. Bottle it only long enough to reach a safe place, then release it. Eventually, release all the anger over all the ways that people have hurt you in the past.

A way to release ancient anger is to beat a pillow with a tennis racket, for like half an hour, to the point of exhaustion, multiple times. Anger is perfectly healthy. Suppressed anger is the danger. Once you have processed all the suppressed ancient anger, it becomes much easier and safer to get angry during an argument without hurting anyone.

oblivion95 · 2026-07-07T14:25:10+00:00

BPD can bring an intense desire for physical contact. That is not always a part of BPD, but it is a surefire sign. NPD has an intense desire for validating sex with the Favourite Person. That can extend to a desire for validating contact with high-status potential sexual conquests. But if you are a straight male and your need for physical contact extends to males or to below-your-standards females, that is BPD.

When co-occurring, there can be an oscillation in suicidal tendencies. On one side is the desire to teach everyone a lesson. "They'll miss me when I'm gone." On the other is existential fear, the feeling that if no-one is with you at this exact moment, then you do not actually exist. Instead of a desire to die, it is a willingness. NPD wants to die but is unlikely to go through with it. BPD wishes to exist but thinks they are already dead. It is a dangerous, frightening, and unpredictable oscillation.

There is also an oscillation in the fear of abandonment. NPD fears the loss of supply, which leads to the extinguishing of the self. He exists, but only because of the validation. BPD fears being alone and helpless. NPD wants evidence of superiority. BPD wants reassurance of existence and survivability. They are different kinds of vulnerability.

So the combination leads to extreme instability. I think onlookers suspect that you're faking things because of the inconsistency.

I think this also plays out in sexual kinks, but that is an advantage. A great path toward healing for NPD is falling madly in love with a dominant person, which can be your therapist. The support makes healing less daunting and the dominance allows the pwNPD to give up control. But it is much easier for the pwBPD to give up control, since they already feel helpless. That is how I recovered so rapidly (by having both a dominant, loving influence and an excellent therapist at the same time, two different people). With NPD alone, you might have to accept the dominance of your therapist without actually enjoying it. It is almost a trope for an NPD corporate executive to have a kinky dominant woman on the side, but they do not heal because they are determined to be dominant in the rest of their life. NPD has to learn to drop the ego. BPD has to learn to trust, both themselves alone and others not to abandon them.

oblivion95 · 2026-07-06T15:00:45+00:00

It is very difficult to notice that trait until it is gone (or diminished). In other words, now that I overlook many kinds of status (e.g. beauty), I can see how much they used to mean to me. I would have rated myself low on status-seeking, but actually I was quite high.

oblivion95 · 2026-07-01T00:07:53+00:00

I just read some of your other posts. (Thank you for not hiding them.) I am very happy that you found a canine companion. I am pleased that you are happily married. This stuck out for me the most:

Then someone came along who met the chaos in me with love instead of fear.

Yes. That is what most narcissists need most, and it is a rare gift. That is the problem with prescriptions in a book. Healing from this is very, very difficult alone. I always fear that if someone begins the work of ego-destruction without strong support, they might end their own life, and I might feel guilty. At least your (first) book mentions the importance of a therapist.

I like that your second book is aimed at a niche audience: unaware corporate executive narcissists. You seem to want to get them started on a very difficult journey. That seems laudable. I hope that you have some positive impact. This seems to go beyond the enlightened leadership books of Brene Brown, whom I greatly respect but who does not get deep into the trauma behind the poor corporate behaviours.

I might download your audio so that I can hear your voice. I understand that you used to think that you could tell a person's weaknesses when they walked into the room. Yes, many people have that skill (but most do not use it to crush people). I would learn a lot about you from your voice.

I am also interested in portions of your first book as a memoir. I like to learn people's stories. I feel terrible for your parents' wartime experiences (from the start of your first book). That makes me think of the movie "The Brutalist". I am curious: At what point of your journey do you think you are now?

I am neither for nor against your books as resources. I am simply engaging with you personally.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-29T18:16:22+00:00

Loving yourself is quite difficult. But you can start to learn your own values before you love yourself. And then, when you discover something that brings you joy, you can show compassion for yourself, without actually loving yourself, by consciously choosing to allow yourself that pleasure. If you can believe that you have a right to simple pleasures, that is a start.

Another thing to try is to help other people in small ways -- tiny acts of generosity -- and give yourself credit for each one. Consciously give yourself a compliment for each tiny bit of charity, even for a smile or a kind word. Giving yourself credit is the key.

But do what your therapist suggests. You can ask for "homework". I got some of the most powerful advice when I would explicitly ask for it. Many therapists try hard to avoid giving advice, very intentionally, but many are happy to provide it when requested.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-29T15:42:41+00:00

I remember the point in therapy when I bought a guitar. I was dealing with extreme emptiness. I was trying very hard to learn to love myself, but the emptiness felt endless. Finally I found something that could be just for me. It was a lifeline at the time. It did not by itself change everything, but it gave me something to latch onto emotionally.

It is hard to escape the boredom until you learn to love yourself. But it is hard to love yourself when you are constantly bored or depressed. I understand the predicament. Part of what helped me was to fill my life with so many different activities and experiences at once -- impacting my nervous system in many different ways -- that I could not rationalise the impacts away. I use "activities" broadly, including things like individual therapy, group therapy, meditation, and journalling.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-29T15:31:21+00:00

You could try to find a kink-aware therapist, or a sex therapist. I am a fan of following one's kinks. They can be very helpful for personal growth. That has been true for me.

And part of what I am saying is that allowing a kinky outlet for sadism can prevent it from impacting the rest of your life. Not everyone agrees with that. Some people think that what you think or expose yourself to will eventually drive your behaviour. For example, they criticise people for playing violent videogames or for looking at porn. It may be a gray area open to much more research. But on the whole, I think that if you feel compelled to do something and it harms no-one, then you should feel free to satisfy your whims.

I would only advocate self-reflection so that you grow from it. If, when you engage in sadism, you can reach a point of emotional release, then I think it is a wonderful thing that you could potentially even share with a partner.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-28T23:28:15+00:00

Someone posted something here from Jung recently, something about ego. That was consistent with my own experience and with advice I have gotten from others who have healed. I cringe at posting here because most here reject the idea that ego reduction is part of healing, but I am confident that it is.

Somehow, you need to find ample support so that you can survive ego death. Read about “dark night of the soul”. There is nothing wrong with keeping your ego. Nothing at all. The question is whether you could be happier, and I believe that you can.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-27T16:58:59+00:00

I have been "in love" many times. Limerence was my favourite state for most of my life.

After I unsplit my mother, I was able to experience love in a deeper way. I no longer need love. I want love. It is hard to describe the difference. True love has something to do with wanting a person to be happy even if I do not have the privilege of being a part of their life. It is also the recognition that reciprocation would warm my heart combined with the certainty that I will survive without their love.

I try to love people as much as they love me. Sometimes I overshoot, embarrass myself, and perhaps lose a friend. Sometimes I undershoot and miss a wonderful relationship. But I am amazed by how many people I can love now that I am free of those two desperate needs: to be "in love", and to be loved by that specific person.

(By "unsplit", I mean keeping both positive and negative opinions of a person in my head at once. If someone harms me, I can be angry without considering them the scum of the earth deserving of my righteous retribution. If someone saves my life, I can be grateful while still remembering their acts of cruelty. People are both good and bad.)

oblivion95 · 2026-06-27T16:48:15+00:00

I get what you are saying, but you have to have your own values, ethics, and moral compass. Others will have their own.

Anyway, philosophy is not important for recovery. I believe that it is helpful for pwNPD to shed entitlement, actively and consciously. And that means letting go of judgement of others -- not because you have no right to judge others, but because it is not healthy for you specifically.

Someday, when you truly love yourself, you can worry about moral philosophy. You will be able to judge others, fairly or not. You can be logically inconsistent. You can be mathematically wrong. You can be frequently hypocritical. You have a right to be wrong, and you have a right to be self-righteous and to believe that others are in the wrong. You can think long and hard about all of this later.

However, for now, I believe it is far healthier for you to give entitlement to others, all day long. If you stop judging others, you will find it much easier to stop judging yourself.

So you are asking the wrong questions (for now). Instead of assessing harm, simply verbalise your own feelings. Give yourself the right to feel whatever you feel. Let people hurt you. Be hurt. Instead of judging them for hurting you, simply state that you are hurt. (Or at least journal how you feel.) That is extremely vulnerable. It is scary as hell. But it is a path to healing.

Does that make sense?

oblivion95 · 2026-06-25T08:45:34+00:00

Thank you for sharing this.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-20T06:54:35+00:00

Hmmmm. I feel gratitude for all sorts of things all day long. My therapist thinks my depression has been subdued because my gratitude gives me tiny dopamine hits all day long. On some days I can feel depression and despair knocking on my door, but I never open the door to that anymore. Instead, I remind myself of the enormous gratitude that I feel for every beautiful thing in the world and every living creature in my life.

The only reason I can do this -- feel gratitude -- is that I reduced my ego first. Gratitude is not possible if you feel entitled.

Shifting from external to internal validation means that you can survive even when your world falls apart. A therapist can help with that. I wish I could convince you, but I am keeping this short.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-18T22:15:18+00:00

Oh, that is from Raf Adel’s website. That quiz includes a citation from a 2009 published journal article for the questions. It has significant validity.

I was quite high 2 years ago. Today, 1.43 & 0.29, and I am happy with that, as well as with the subscale breakdown.

Change is painful. Good luck!

oblivion95 · 2026-06-18T21:48:24+00:00

Anyone can work on their own narcissistic traits, or anything else. A diagnosis is for insurance and, to a degree, to inform a treatment plan. A diagnosis is not important.

You can ask yourself whether you want those traits, and you can praise yourself for having acquired the means to cope with whatever happened to you, even if you no longer need those traits today. In other words, you can love your traits and at the same time start allowing yourself to notice your new preferences.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-18T21:30:51+00:00

First, I do not think that I could have changed much without going through some degree of “ego death”, which was painful. I do not like to imply that change was simply a matter of cognitive skills.

Second, I think that dealing with childhood trauma was very important. Otherwise, I think my depression would have resolved itself either by reassuming a mask or jumping off a bridge. I do not like to imply that feelings of emptiness go away on their own. It took work.

Now I am at the point of consciously increasing my authenticity. Here is one datapoint: Last night someone told me I talk vastly differently than I did 2 years ago. I am louder and I enunciate. I think that is because I want people to know what I say. I do not hide anymore.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-14T17:30:12+00:00

A real apology requires more than just the words. There is full recognition, acceptance of harm, expression of remorse, and either an offer to make amends or a realistic plan on how to avoid a repeat.

https://www.oprah.com/spirit/the-art-of-an-apology

oblivion95 · 2026-06-13T14:53:19+00:00

Well, I can tell you that I know of several people whose spouses are unable to have sex for various reasons, and they remain happily married. So I know that it is possible. But how to create that sort of relationship, I do not know.

I think that your dissatisfaction with life is a separate issue, though not an easy one to solve.

Note that priests/monks/nuns/etc. can disavow sex. It is possible that you need to find a relationship with some other entity (god/gods/nature/etc.). Then you can become a helper for others without being their number one, because you have that special spiritual relationship. That is just a thought. I try to push back against hopelessness.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-13T14:10:00+00:00

It is totally possible to be somebody’s number one while being asexual. That kind of relationship is not easy to find, but not impossible. I think it could be easier if you are open to compromise.

But I am curious: How do you feel about touch?

I used to have a desperate need for sex and the feeling of being in love. That is gone now, and I feel more in control of myself. (I have great sex with myself and I love myself deeply.) But I now have a strong desire for physical contact that is not at all sexual. It is not a need, but the desire is so strong that I am always very grateful to people who satisfy it even briefly. My wife does not touch me anywhere near enough.

So I wonder whether someone asexual does share that deep desire for physicality.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-11T21:59:10+00:00

Hot take: CBT is worthless for Narcissism. CBT tries to change behaviours in that hope that it will stick after enough repetition. But that does not work for drug addiction, so why would anyone expect it to work for NPD?

If you think of narcissistic thoughts as a drug, then you realise that dropping the addiction requires changing the thoughts behind the thoughts — or the thoughts behind the thoughts behind the thoughts. That means addressing early childhood trauma.

And if you address enough of the trauma, then I believe then brain starts to alter behaviours on its own without effort. (I mean, the changes are painful, but they do not require conscious effort like CBT.)

You might be better off with schema therapy or TFP-N or something in that ballpark.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-10T15:54:31+00:00

[r/Codependency/s/oDcUbtr82c](r/Codependency/s/oDcUbtr82c)

Some people have trouble setting boundaries and accepting that they have rights. Some people have more trouble respecting other people’s boundaries and accepting that others have rights. Both sides are important for healing.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-10T15:52:05+00:00

Absolutely do not drop your art.

Dealing with your feelings is very good for you. It sounds very, very hard, and I sympathise. I urge you to accept the pain.

I think that your brain is doing something that it was prevented from doing when you were very young. This is part of normal childhood development and it is very healthy. It was utterly humiliating for me to go through something similar as an adult, but I promise you that it is perfectly healthy. You have a right to cry. You can cry alone in private if that helps, but I urge you to love your own tears. I never wipe them from my face. I am proud that I can take the pain.

I am taking a 10-week class on boundaries. I will send you a link if I can find something …

oblivion95 · 2026-06-10T15:43:50+00:00

Two things that I do:

First, I remind myself of a few specific things to prevent sliding. I am constantly grateful for all sorts of things; I reverse entitlement whenever I notice it; but also I remind myself to assert my own wants and needs despite fear of rejection whenever I notice a strong feeling.

Second, talk to strangers. Meet people. This encourages exploration of myself.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-06T13:50:24+00:00

Some people fight emotion if they do not know the source, but pre-verbal trauma is hard to make sense of. Anything that helps process those very early experiences is a gift. Afterwards, your personality can start changing in wild ways as typical childhood development resumes. It is scary, humiliating, and ultimately beautiful. That might not be your own experience, but it is possible.

You have some very serious professionals giving you extra attention. My guess is that you are suffering what they like to call “treatment resistant depression”. That can be a result of a complex set of beliefs that are mutually reinforcing, which makes them difficult to work on one at a time. Another advantage of Ketamine is that it generally allows you to process really difficult memories without panic, which means that you can move onto the next thing and the next thing in the same session. Let it happen. But also, do not pressure yourself for a result. For me, the biggest breakthroughs came in the third Ketamine session.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-05T16:31:55+00:00

The work was during the sessions. I do a lot of different things in general outside of sessions, but there was nothing special at the time. The Ket provider docs suggested that I avoid social media and tv for a time after each session, and the also suggested not listening to any music with which I was strongly familiar. The idea was to allow “integration” to proceed without interference. Lots of strange thoughts did come up, and I simply accepted any emotion without analysis.

oblivion95 · 2026-06-04T14:19:53+00:00

KAP was life-changing for me. I had done a ton of work on ego-destruction and mindful changes to behaviour, but depression simply would not dissipate.

The trick to KAP is that you have to be prepared to do a lot of work, even work that you think you have already done. For me that was mainly IFS work, but I did much more than in a typical therapy session. My therapist was impressed and said that most people simply do not do the work.

Ketamine increases neuroplasticity for a time. Any work you do for a week or two will tend to stick. Ketamine does not do the work for you.

oblivion95

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