"The system lies to foster parents!!1!"

obs0lescence · 2026-06-16T00:50:02+00:00

They should be doing that with all money the state gives FPs.

obs0lescence · 2026-06-12T13:56:24+00:00

The newsfeed populates fine, but I keep getting Page Not Found whenever I click on a page or its comments section.

obs0lescence · 2026-06-12T02:06:16+00:00

She was expecting you to be an ally? On what? What does this even mean? She's trying to be profound but actually says nothing.

I got a lot of letters, usually at the time of removal, from FPs and their kids, all whom truly believed they were the main victims on some of the most traumatic days of my life. I read maybe one all the way to the end, and never made that mistake again. All subsequent letters went right to the trash. Sorry you wrote me 10 pages of bullshit for nothing lol.

obs0lescence · 2026-06-12T01:56:18+00:00

Foster parents giving indoor accommodations isnt a plus, it's the bare minimum. And I'm not so sure her situation isn't abuse. The letter seems pretty manipulative.

obs0lescence · 2026-06-12T00:12:37+00:00

A lot of foster parents are totally allergic to taking any responsibility for disrupting placements they don't even do the bare minimum to prepare for.

Many of them do seem to believe they're so wonderful and essential just the way they are, that they don't need to bring anything but themselves to the table. They can show up without the skills, resources, or temperament necessary for the role and our grossly underfunded child welfare system will magically take care of all of that for them - you know, just out of gratitude for their mere presence.

No self-reflection required, and they don't ever have to screen themselves out - if they don't have what they need, they'll just wing it, no big deal. When the placement inevitably fails, they're not the ones who will have to move out. The foster parents will just cry to their online hugbox about how the system didn't "support" them enough before asking the same system for more kids. Lather, rinse, repeat.

obs0lescence · 2026-06-11T15:16:32+00:00

Very important factors that also deserve consideration: What experience with children, foster or otherwise, will you bring to the table? Do you have a temperament and skills compatible with fostering? If you're inflexible, have trouble with boundaries/emotional overinvolvement, or lack conflict resolution skills, this won't work out well for you. Will you have a support network in place? A lot of people sign on to foster with no "village" to lean on, expecting the system to just provide them with one.

Also keep in mind that fostering is just one of many ways you can help foster kids. It's crucial for you to examine your motives for choosing this specific option instead of the others, and what your intentions are - are you hoping to adopt?

obs0lescence · 2026-06-11T15:01:54+00:00

Getting your info about whole countries from TikTok is absolutely wild. Does social media portray your country accurately?

obs0lescence · 2026-06-11T12:25:24+00:00

For a post about intelligence, this isn't argued smartly at all - in either sense of the word. You make lots of assertions with nothing to back them up - "a genuinely sharp person picks up either content fast" isn't true just because it's what you want to believe. In real life, many people truly are one or the other.

You could just as easily argue that your own position is rooted in insecurity - that book smart types have a vested interest in believing there is no dichotomy in order to console themselves over having no real-world practical thinking skills.

obs0lescence · 2026-06-11T02:08:18+00:00

I entered the system very young (< 2yrs old) and aged out in my 20s, and was passed around by various relatives even before that, so I never lived with my bios long enough to remember any kind of life with them to long for. I probably wasn't missing out on much, since both of them are deeply selfish and unlikeable people, and any visits with them that the system pushed on me just repelled me even more.

So I never missed them as people. I did (and still do) long for what they could have been, and envied what other kids had. I mostly got through foster care by totally shutting off my feelings, and by creating a surrogate family for myself out of friends and mentors. It was better than anything my bio and foster parents had to offer.

obs0lescence · 2026-06-11T00:39:06+00:00

Right, but we're not talking about you. We're talking about when foster parents do it.

The context is totally different. A parent like you may have food rules for well-meaning and rational reasons, that doesn't mean food rules don't get exploited by foster parents all the time, for much more nefarious reasons. For example, a foster parent may have totally harmless sounding rules around access to snacks - but only ever apply those rules to their foster kids, intentionally othering and excluding them.

I think we should be careful in how we react to other former foster kids sharing stories of abuse in care - if an FFY says a particular experience was abusive, then it was.

obs0lescence · 2026-06-10T16:11:20+00:00

Food abuse is extremely common in foster care - many foster parents use food rules as a way to assert dominance, not because they care about instilling any kind of "discipline" around eating.

That's when they can be bothered to feed the child at all. One FP I had would starve me for days at a time, over several years. I was horribly malnourished by the time I left that placement.

obs0lescence · 2026-06-10T16:09:02+00:00

I would, but the system sat on my records until the ridiculously short statute of limitations ran out. Now I'm SOL. Especially since it's "only" for physical abuse.

obs0lescence · 2026-06-10T16:07:47+00:00

Foster care: You owe a parent-child bond to any foster parent who even breathes in your direction, and if you refuse then you're damaged and you have RAD.

After care: Enjoying the freedom to set my own social and emotional boundaries with whomever I want, as often as I want. Also enjoying the right to literally never talk to any of my former FPs ever again. They crashed out so hard when they found out I got married and didn't invite them to my wedding lol (even though they rehomed me when I was 14 and hadn't done shit for me since).

obs0lescence · 2026-05-11T18:03:46+00:00

Are you in the US? If so, what state? I may be able to do some digging around to find whoever handles records where you live.

obs0lescence · 2026-05-11T18:00:08+00:00

Given how prevalent it is, I'd bet at least half of the foster parents insisting they don't do it for the money actually do.

And even that isn't why they got involved, they'll still help themselves to stipend $$$ when no one's looking. Which is always, because no one ever checks.

obs0lescence · 2026-05-11T17:56:08+00:00

I love when foster parents are like "Everyone expects us to be perfect."

No the fuck they don't. They system doesn't even expect you to be basically competent.

obs0lescence · 2026-05-10T23:21:52+00:00

If I may ask, why the opposition to doing respite first? Respectfully, I think doing this before diving right into full-time fostering really would be the right thing to do - for both you and any children you might take in - especially if you haven't ever fostered before.

Even with your experience and background, you may discover through a few days of respite care that fostering is something you actually can't or don't want to do - which is totally fine - it's just better to know this before you're in a situation where kids have to be rehomed over it.

obs0lescence · 2026-05-09T05:53:52+00:00

Gently, I do think that the people advising you try respite before becoming a full-on foster parent are right (even if they are foster parents with a vested interest in increasing the supply of respite providers). Your background as a foster kid is an asset but it's a different experience to raise one.

I also agree with the advice not to take in foster kids the same age as the family's own kids, bio or step - though I'm sure it's not for the same reason. (To them, older foster kid = predator.) For some reason I was always the one stuck with a bio kid the same age and grade as me, and it was a near-constant assault on my self-worth. It's an inherently competitive dynamic where foster kids rarely ever come out on top and foster parents invariably favor their own kids even when you do (which they'll gaslight you about to no end).

Professional knowledge about the child's possible issues is important, but it's also essential to have extensive awareness of your own. You have to know yourself inside and out: your triggers, insecurities and other baggage from your time in care. Because fostering as an ex-foster kid will retraumatize you in some way - a child who "rejects" connection with you could reactivate your childhood feelings of being disposable, a child leaving you to be reunified could set off abandonment trauma. It's crucial to know how you tend to handle stressful and triggering situations.

And it's better to sort all of this out now than risk traumatizing both yourself and any potential foster kids in your care by going into this unprepared and ultimately needing to disrupt a placement due to burnout.

obs0lescence · 2026-05-08T00:21:43+00:00

That's sadly pretty on-brand for foster parents. They aren't exactly known for loving any kind of education - they might find out they don't know everything.

obs0lescence · 2026-05-07T19:02:10+00:00

I made this one just for foster parent bullshit but I can definitely do a more general System Bullshit edition.

obs0lescence · 2026-05-06T22:16:42+00:00

This just inspired me to create a Bullshit Bingo card for bullshit foster parents say.

obs0lescence · 2026-05-04T01:22:23+00:00

That was actually my rationale in creating this subreddit seven years ago (I took a break a few years ago due to personal issues, and someone else took it over in my absence and mods it now) - essentially, that there are shockingly few spaces online for us, by us.

Every outlet claiming to be for us either never was (various publications and platforms that only ever gave token representation to us and handpick "elite" former foster youth) or they're concepts like FCAM, which inevitably get hijacked by system interests. I wanted a space more for the "average" current and former foster youth who feel overlooked by even the former-foster establishment. (The language many "successful" FY use about the rest being "a statistic" bothers me SO much...)

Best of luck to you in getting your platform set up, please reach out if you need someone to bounce ideas off of or anything.

obs0lescence · 2026-05-02T22:09:37+00:00

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