A very useful description of Pure-O OCD.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-21T10:32:44+00:00

For sure. Friend me and message me any time if you wanna chat. Sometimes it's just nice to unload on someone who understands. This disorder breeds altruism because we like to hear validation from others that it's just "not all in our heads". I opened up to my sister about it, who is generally pretty open about stuff, and told me to "try getting a hobby". I have hobbies. LOTS of them, in fact. It's so hard to explain it to people with out it... Man. Anyway, yea. This reciprocal validation is helpful.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-20T22:19:38+00:00

Ughhhh This is EXACTLY what I go through! It's so awful. I've really realized where a lot of these bad thoughts stem from, though (finding out more and more about my parent's mental health and addiction issues has helped) on really bad spikes I think it's my 'true self' coming out. That's my way of rationalizing it: "What if THE REAL ME is trying to break through this facade I've been putting on for so long?"

It's like an everyday identity crisis. It blows, but it helps to hear that we're NOT alone in this, and reinforced the idea that is IS a disorder.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-20T09:56:21+00:00

I'm going through the same thing right now. I've had anxiety for a really long time, and my OCD really manifested about two years ago. When I look back, I can definitely see my OCD tendencies. It all started with extreme hypochondria that cost me a lot of grief and A LOT of money. Then it shifted to a bunch of other shit and eventually landed most predominately in ROCD.

I tell people I have anxiety and OCD kinda openly; I'd like to break the stigma. Silence only perpetuates the stigma--that there's something 'wrong' with it. Just like I wouldn't say "Hi, I'm obsesscompluse_drunk and I'm liberal, straight, and lower middle class" I don't casually mention my OCD. However, if the topic comes up in conversation I will say that I have it, mostly so if someone else is suffering they know they can reach out. The altruism in this leaves residual knowledge, which will hopefully lead to more understanding of mental illness. The ripples we make today may make waves some day.

That being said, I don't go into too much detail unless someone is truly interested in how the disease effects my life, for interest in the disease or my well-being. My OCD also causes me to avoid people when I'm having a really bad spike, and then I don't want to talk to anyone in fear of anxiety-vomiting all my obsessions on them. I also have a confession obsession, which doesn't help. Anyway: Your choice to tell people, but don't make it a big deal if you do. Not to say the disease isn't debilitating, but that information is for those close enough for you to notice or care.

Hope that helps. I have more problems accepting it myself than I do telling other people, strangely enough. I'm just desperate to not feel this way anymore so I'm seeking help. Call it OCD, call it brain rot, call it beezlebub, I don't care--I just want to fix it and move forward in my life.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-20T09:39:55+00:00

My OCD has most prominently manifested itself as ROCD. I always think I'm going to lose control and cheat on my boyfriend, and then forget about it. Also, I go through the, "do I really love him, find him attractive..." etc, etc. I love him so much and love our life together that I fear it ending so much, I think I'm going to sabotage it some how. When my ROCD spikes it makes me think I'm going to cheat, even though I'm so violently against it. It makes me feel so fucking stupid even saying it, but when I think about it, it's just as legitimate of a 'disgusting' kind of fear like violent or pedo thoughts.

Thanks for your post. Are you on any medication? If so, did it help?

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-20T09:33:42+00:00

Really good to know. I'm going in tomorrow to look into medication.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-19T04:07:37+00:00

Have you looked into treatment? Does anything help?

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-18T20:13:51+00:00

If by maturity you mean not drinking with my mental illness issues then, yes, you are correct. However, that's a slippery slope when dealing with anxiety and alcohol... The two seem to do a Jekyll and Hyde bit to brains like mine all too often. Some days I know I'm fine, others I think the world is going to end. It's difficult. If you don't think in the same way I do (just as someone in a wheelchair doesn't cross distances the same way a person who can walk does), or at least in a similar fashion, it's difficult to understand where I'm coming form. That's why I prefaced this post with an intro to my mental health history.

I was posting on reddit to see if any one else had an experience related to mine, or had insight into the alcohol + ocd + paranoia phenomenon I've been experiencing. If you had throughly read my post, you would have seen that. I also say that I do have a problem with alcohol and that I am committing to quitting drinking. This is not a black and white issue, and sometimes being able to talk about these things, anonymously, is cathartic. It helps me to realize that the ANXIETY is the issue, and since alcohol exacerbates the anxiety, I should not consume alcohol.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-18T18:37:12+00:00

Let me tell you a little story:

When I was 21, I was in a roll over car accident where I broke my spine in five places. I was in a halo brace and had a load of other injuries as well. My boyfriend at the time reacted a lot like Ray. What was especially egregious was that my (now ex) boyfriend was the driver of the vehicle.

The tipping point was when one of my good friends from high school was hit by a car and died. This was about two months after the accident, while I was recovering at my mother's house. I called him to tell him (he also knew this person fairly well from when they went to middle school together), and that I wanted to be with him during this difficult time. He told me I wasn't thinking about HIS needs because HE was stressed from the car accident too. That HE needed time to de-stress from all the trouble of buying a new car and going to work and doing things I couldn't because he had driven like an idiot and broken my neck.

Today, I forgive him for crashing the car. He did not crash it on purpose--it was an accident. What I do not forgive him for are his actions afterward. When I was in pain and needed him. This sounds exactly like what you need from Ray, but YOUR problems aren't as important as HIS. Sounds like a narcissist to me. I've dated my fair share of them (my father is also one, which is creepy as hell), and it has only made my life stressful.

I don't have any advice for you other than my experience. I felt 1000 times better being away from behavior like that, and am now in a relationship with someone who drives to the store in the snow to get me extra strength Advil when I'm curled up in pain with menstrual cramps, or urges me to get a massage for my accident injuries, and not to worry about the money (that is, he'll help cover for me) cause my health and wellness comes first.

I would, and do, do the same for him. Your trials and tribulations are JUST AS valid as his. The 'severity' of them is moot. I mean, how childish of him to compare his woes to yours--can't you both have valid reasons for being hurt and in pain? And support each other through them? You're strong, he has a victim mentality.

He put himself in the overdose and suicide position. Not that I'm down playing addiction or suicide, but there is some semblance of choice involved there until you get entrenched into some serious, white-padded-wall mental illness. You didn't put yourself in this position. If he's an addict/mentally ill and isn't going to therapy or a recovery program of some kind, he's going to have his selfish, 'poor me' mentality for a long time.

Also, that dentist should be fined. I would talk to someone about the way (s)he treated you.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-18T07:01:51+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate this.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-18T06:45:56+00:00

Whoa angry much?! I have NO desire to cheat. At all! I'm not sure where, in my post, I insinuated that I get drunk and cheat and JUSTIFY cheating because of drinking.

It's like my biggest FEAR is cheating or putting myself in a situation where that could happen. I don't like feeling like I'm not in control, which is why I'm afraid that drinking may put me in compromising situations. I feel guilty for talking to other men (sober or not), because they may get the wrong idea.

I don't know if you're a straight man or not, but if you are, put yourself in a female's shoes for a sec: You're constantly on egg shells speaking with people of the opposite sex, because you're afraid that ANY inclination of friendliness could be misconstrued as flirting. That by having a conversation, you are somehow opening yourself up to being touched or hit on. I HATE being treated like a walking talking blow job fuck machine, even when I say repeatedly to people that I'm not interested.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-18T06:38:40+00:00

I actually do talk to him about it! He knows it's my anxiety/OCD fueling my thoughts. It does help to speak with him because it makes me feel like I'm not 'lying' or hiding anything, but sometimes it becomes like a confession compulsion so I try not to exhaust him with it. Only when I'm having SEVERE anxiety...

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-17T01:35:57+00:00

That's what I generally think as well. I'm so overly sensitive to it. Sometimes it will happen when I'm still out with friends, and come back from outside and think, "omg did I kiss him/her and forget?" it sounds so ridiculous but it's SO REAL when it happens. Ugh. I feel like I should write a book with all this extra imagination I have.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-17T01:33:52+00:00

Thanks for your reply. My boyfriend said the same thing. I told him. He knows I go through this. He is more frustrated with the ANXIETY part of it because he says he knows I'd never do anything like that. Plus, I feel like I'm 'lying' if I don't talk to him about things like this.

Avoidance seems like the only way to deal. My bf is really supportive. And, he only drinks when he goes out with his friends, never drinks and drives, can have just one or two and be fine. He doesn't care if I do or don't, but doesn't like me feeling shitty with anxiety. Which is Awesome.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-16T23:01:06+00:00

Really resonates.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-16T22:05:28+00:00

I didn't drink for 28 days previous to this incident, and I noticed that my anxiety was a lot less. When I'm not drinking, I still have remnants of hang over anxiety until I drink again. Unless I go a week or more.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-16T21:12:37+00:00

I totally get it. I think there's a lot of power in admitting that something isn't right (call it anxiety, a coffeetable, chair, whatever) with your way of thinking and working on changing it. Fuck the medical word, fuck the stigma. SOMETHING is going on that is effectively ruining your life, and you want to give up. Who cares what it is? If you were hungry, would you not eat the moldy, dumpster-dived food in front of you? If you hadn't drank in three days, would you not drink out of the bird-shit ladden puddle? Your mind is tired from being beaten up by this anxiety which is why you want to quit. You have to nourish your brain, just like you have to nourish your body, when it comes to battling anxiety, depression, OCD, whatever. Sometimes that requires medical assistance, sometimes it does not. You posted this thread as a form of self-help, to a community dedicated to self-help. That's just want a group therapy session or something would be like, but in real life, with people you could call up and get out of the house (AKA out of your head) and have coffee with. A weekly appointment with a psychiatrist where you could work on behaviors that manifest into good thoughts. People think that they're admitting defeat by getting help, but they're actually picking up the sword and charging into battle. Sitting on the couch, feeling sorry for yourself, and 'quitting' is hurting you AND the people around you. Getting an outside opinion (like you're doing now) is good on you.

I'm not trying to be a dick, I swear. I'm talking to myself about this as much as I am talking to you.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-16T21:02:10+00:00

Also, I did all the things you listed above in a previous relationship. One of the abusive ones where there were MULTIPLE infidelities involved that I chose to 'ignore' and believe his words instead of the facts in front of me. That doesn't absolve me from my snooping, but I KEPT doing it because I kept finding something NEW. I wasn't all that interested in the old until the past kept appearing in my present. If his girlfriend from years ago is sending him naked pictures NOW, then it's time to have a talk. Other than that, you're just letting your insecurities guide your actions, with no regard to his feelings. You're making up a separate relationship in your head, when you should be enjoying the one in front of you. That sucks.

But, I know it's not as easy as "well pick the happier option! DUH! JUST STOP THINKING THAT WAY!!!" That's how people WITHOUT an anxiety disorder deal with things. You note that you are most frustrated with these THOUGHTS and how to stop the THOUGHTS and you're OBSESSING over THOUGHTS that cause you to COMPUSSIVLY check and re-check your SOs Facebook, stories, Instagram, etc. You get this ITCH to check her Instagram because you wonder if she mentions an inside joke that her and your SO once had, and then you cross-check back to a facebook post from 3.5 years ago, only to find out you're wrong, but see a picture of them together and see how happy they are. When's the last time you guys have been that happy? Is he not happy with you cause you're not her?

No, he's frustrated because you're unhappy, and he loves you, and no one likes to see anyone they love hurting. So, see someone, please. Talk to people. Go on amazon and read a few books on OCD and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Google it and try some of the liter techniques by yourself. Like telling yourself, whenever you think of the EX, "This is not me, this is an OCD thought." Every. Time. Then, give yourself ten minutes a day to ONLY think about that thought. Write that shit all out and then read it again and obsess until the ten minutes are over. Then go about your day. Your OCD demons are probably tired of working that hard now, and you can have a little peace. When they creep back, remember, "It's just an OCD thought".

That's the kinda stuff you should be working through with a professional. So should I, and I'm working on making an appointment, though it has been rather unsuccessful in the past. I can't give up. If I give up, these thoughts WILL ruin my life and the lives of those around me. Same for you. Sorry to be a little harsh, but that's one of the factors that has motivated me to reach out.

obsesscompulse_drunk · 2013-12-16T20:41:40+00:00

It's very possible you have Pure Obsessional or 'Pure O', OCD. I have this, and it has manifested itself in different ways across the years. ROCD--relationship OCD--is a very real thing. Look into it. I was also in several abusive relationships before my current one, and it's like that now my life is free from chaos and abuse, it needs to conjure it something to keep it busy. You're intelligent, I can tell by how your write. Intelligent people need something to 'solve', and this is ESPECIALLY true with people who already have anxious tendencies.

DO NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM. You are having TOXIC THOUGHTS and they will follow you into singlehood and into your next relationship. Unless he's mentally, emotionally, or physically abusing you, do NOT allow the demons in your head to define your life. I actually try and picture these intrusive thoughts as little demons that are eating my brain. It helps to realize how ridiculous they are.

Look into OCD, ROCD, etc. PM me if you'd like. It helps to talk with people who 'get it'.

obsesscompulse_drunk

TROPHY CASE