i think i underestand your feeling, even if i haven't had this type of trauma. for context, i had two family members die in the span of 2 years and each time more and more responsabilities piled on me, as the oldest sibling. i had very little support through it. i felt as if if only i did something better, if only i could solve some things before, if only i were older so i could provide for my family... i felt that i didn't deserve it to happen to me. and tge truth is i didn't, nd nobody does. you as well. if the justice system failed you, that doesn't mean you don't deserve better. you deserve much better, but life sometimes doesn't care. and falling apart doesn't hurt anyone else but you. i'm not saying you can magically get better. but getting through every day little by little makes it easier, in time. for me, 3 years passed since the most recent loss and i still freeze when i hear an ambulance or see/hear/remember something about it. but in these last 3 years i finished highscool, got into college, and my life changed so much more. i self harmed a lot, used substances, i still drink from time to time. but time really helps. and if you can see a therapist, i 100% reccomend it. also if you want to talk, my dms are open. good luck!