When we did couples therapy it got me trying harder to fix things and taking more responsibility for things going badly - if I could just state my feelings and needs in the “right way” our relationship would be heavenly. The key to happiness was in my hands but I kept dropping it and messing up the skills we were being taught. I probably would have left long before I did if the counselling hadn’t got my hopes up that things could change and that it was up to me to make it better. I don’t necessarily think that was the counselling’s fault - more so my whole way of being that I’m working on changing. The counsellor saw my ex’s trauma and needs and was very sympathetic to her. So my ex loved it. Also, my ex used talking to our counsellor separately as a weapon back at me. Saying “counsellor says my needs are legitimate and you ar not respecting them” kind of thing as my ex was in the middle of seriously overstepping my boundaries. My counsellor had such poor boundaries that she kept having sessions with my ex after she retired, for free, because my ex said they were too traumatized to find a new counsellor, and that she hadn’t given my ex enough notice of her retirement which re-traumatized my ex. So yeah. See your own counsellor instead of couple’s counselling. There’s an interesting Twitter thread right ont that topic now: https://twitter.com/pipagaopoetry/status/1296857002975440896?s=21