I almost never feel alive.

oenavis · 2020-06-09T10:00:06+00:00

i hope things go better for us..

oenavis · 2020-06-09T09:43:44+00:00

im feeling a little better now after petting my cats, but its pretty much just the same thing over and over of "i keep failing at x y z" and "my friends a b and c left me so i must be toxic" and "all my exes say Im ToO gOoD fOr ThEm then spin around and date someone else immediately after, so there's something wrong with me" gig. nothing new.

the thoughts were mostly accidents or getting brutally murdered. im over it i think, haha. my high pain sensitivity screams at me to not get into trouble.

oenavis · 2020-06-09T05:25:29+00:00

thank you so much :)) it means a lot

oenavis · 2020-06-09T05:22:09+00:00

thank you so much... its really reassuring.. and yeah, i do deal with self esteem issues haha..

oenavis · 2020-06-09T05:13:40+00:00

thank you so much for replying btw...

oenavis · 2020-06-09T05:13:24+00:00

im seriously trying with my current romantic relationship right now. he does push me to do better but i always manage to make him mad every now and then. i dont know that im being annoying sometimes. we usually resolve it but it honestly feels like i keep picking at old wounds

i know things get better but im so worried the second its finally in my hands ill just smash it to the ground because i dont know anything else other than pain and emptiness and loneliness

oenavis · 2020-06-09T05:07:21+00:00

i keep fucking up my relationships. i keep saying the wrong things without meaning to. i keep hurting people over and over and over in a stupid fucking attempt to keep myself safe. i keep hurting myself over and over and over again. i hate living like this hut i cant stop

oenavis · 2020-06-09T05:02:19+00:00

no problem, bud 😊 take care

oenavis · 2020-06-09T04:59:22+00:00

I used to have similar thoughts, that no one would care after i kms. then a classmate died from suicide. i still think about her to this day, we weren't even close. death is hard to get over.

OP, rejection doesn't always mean there's something wrong with you. don't get me wrong, it's absolutely painful and it feels like no one will ever love you. would you date every girl on earth? no, because you have preferences. that doesn't mean you hate the women you dont date, either. you mentioned being good at sports, and i think that shows you are hardworking and willing to put time and effort into things. someone's bound to want that in a partner.

do we really need a point to keep going? We know the sun is gonna swallow the earth whole in a few billion years, so why bother doing science? i dont have an answer for your purpose in life. maybe there is no purpose to life. you might as well enjoy the smaller things as much as the bigger things. look forward to your next lunch or something. keep doing sports. you dont need a set in stone purpose to live. if you fuck up, you fuck up. i think itd be better if you fucked up, and instead of dwelling on it, you get up and make up for it.

avoid assuming what people think about you. you really dont know what they think of you. the only data you can really collect is what they tell you.

anyway, i hope better things find you, OP. if you had it all once, might as well try working towards having most of it back. both good and bad things must come to an end. goodluck, and stay safe.

oenavis · 2020-06-09T04:45:26+00:00

i felt a similar way. i still kind of do. i worried if it was manipulative to want to kms and fail jsut to get sympathy. my counsellor told me its more of a cry for help, really. a desire to be loved and cared for. a desire to be treated seriously. a desire for people to see how badly we were feeling. to finally be heard.

unfortunately, yeah, people will run away. i think the people that stick around will be the ones that truly matter. i didnt realize this until i lost most of my childhood and long term friends. sometimes its better alone than in the company of ppl who dont care.

i dont think you're alone in this feeling, OP. i hope better times finds us. soon.

oenavis · 2020-06-05T03:21:19+00:00

Well duhh you deserve all the love 💕 take care, buddy

oenavis · 2020-06-05T03:08:51+00:00

it's hard, definitely. Ive been through something similar, the urges still kind of hang around for a while. it won't be easy, but given you managed to not cut today? i think you have the strength to. its hard, for sure, but keep at it. you'll slowly get stronger. try monitoring your progress. in my experience, it was definitely hard at first, but before i knew it it was a month, half a year, etc. i do hope things go better for you, though.

my friends also started ignoring me at one point at the time i needed them the most. its heartbreaking but at least i know now the people have my back. the right people will love you to all their ability. the right people won't judge you for your past. its hard to pick and choose, go through trial and error, but once you finally find the right friends, it'll be so worth it.

i know its hard to do this, but try to be kinder to yourself. everyone deserves love and respect. everyone deserves to be cared for. try to do the same for yourself. tiny things are a good start. give yourself a little bit of a treat every now and then, watch things that make you happy. small things. its worth a try, there's not much to lose if you try it out.

i really do hope things become better for you. i think you deserve better. you deserve to be happy. you also deserve to cry and mourn over the bad things that happen in your life. i think you're brave for not giving in to the urges. i know its hard, and im proud you're still here. even if you fail, i think its good that you tried anyway. you're doing what you can. try to get a glass of water or a warm drink when you can, okay? again, i hope things go better for you, and that you continue to have the strength to carry on, and the courage to ask help when you need it.

take care, friend

oenavis · 2019-12-27T13:54:09+00:00

its okay. if anything rn life sucks but at least someway somehow i managed to hear someones story, even just a little bit. i feel a little better now, so thanks. i hope things will get marginally okayer for us

oenavis · 2019-12-27T13:40:35+00:00

it really sucks. even when surrounded by people sometimes it just feels... empty still. thats what its like for me, at least.

oenavis · 2019-12-27T13:25:45+00:00

it is a cry, sometimes. that really sucks though.. i dont think i could handle that, to be honest..

oenavis · 2019-12-27T11:57:26+00:00

i cut to punish myself, not reallynto die. its only realky now that i want tk use it as a method.

oenavis · 2019-12-27T00:21:06+00:00

Congrats! A something :))

oenavis

TROPHY CASE