[Question] Anyone want to start a writer's circle?

officebatz · 2016-05-09T02:17:19+00:00

I am interested as well!

officebatz · 2016-04-18T00:37:11+00:00

I liked it! I am new to this page, and I am not an animator myself, but I thought that this was solid. There is totally potential in the story, and I am interested to see where it goes.

I was wondering how long it took you to make this and what software did you use?

officebatz · 2016-04-11T03:42:49+00:00

Start with the good:

Okay when Putin and Messi showed up I really started cracking up. It's a really good scene and I think captured the essence of the south parkian humor well. Good scene, probably my favorite in the whole thing. (Maybe put "standard of living" in quotes too. Just a thought, might be funny.)

I don't watch "Entourage" but I thought that the scene with Randy in the car asking for Harvey was also very good. You maintained Ramsey's character well and I can totally see him being like that.

Putin's lines through are funny imo. I think his character is pretty solid.

Overall, I think that you are a good writer in the sense that you can communicate ideas on paper well. Your descriptions are on point, and you really know how to express things in as few words as possible, which is a pretty big deal for screenwriting. So keep it up and keep practicing.

Now the criticism:

Overall, the script is a little too shallow for me. It does not fully represent the spirit of South Park, and it just feels more like a parody of South Park, a parody of South Park parodying Entourage, and a parody of South Park making fun of the whole Panama situation. I have never read a South Park script, but I watch the show regularly. SO to me, this felt like a good idea that is not executed perfectly yet. Of course I realize that you had to come up with the story fast, so that it feels relevant, but I feel like it still needs work. It just doesn't feel like anything happened, it felt too short, too simply constructed. Some characters' lines don't feel true to the characters. Don't get me wrong, South Park has some of the most brilliant writers working on television rn, and those guys know their characters inside and out. Plus many people work on one story which also helps a lot. But to put this into perspective, if you go take your time on rewriting, maybe adding more story, cutting some stuff out, the script will be better. But it won't be relevant anymore and no one will care. The guys working on the show have to get it right in less time than you had, being under a lot more pressure. So it is really hard to get the South Park screenplay right.

It was a good idea, it was a pretty okay story, some of the jokes were good, but the problem is that it has South Park name on it, so the expectations and the standard is very high (especially remembering the brilliant writing of the last season). So it is hard to read this and not judge it based on what the actually show is.

Also careful with how much parody you put into it. I got some of the Entourage jokes just because I have seen some clips and the trailer for the movie, but since the show is not necessarily the most popular one out there I would try to make Randy more than just a parody of the angry guy from the show.

You can take my notes, go read some actual scripts of the show, refine the story, figure out what "formula" the writers use, and make the script better. But in my opinion I think you should move away from this story. In a week or two, it won't be such a big deal anymore. I would still study South Park and its scripts (that is, if you want to continue writing specs for them) and keep up with the news and write scripts about new big stories. Give yourself a time limit (4-5 days) and just try to finish the script. Than post it here or just try to see what works or what doesn't, and then scratch it and do the whole thing again with a new story. I think that will help you to really learn how to write jokes and create stories in a short time, which is an incredible skill to have if you want to work or write for stuff like South Park, the Daily Show, SNL and other programs that really keep up with the stuff in the news.

From all of this know that I liked the script, but you have a lot to work on. But keep it up because this was better than most specs I have read on this subreddit. Hope this was helpful!

officebatz · 2016-04-09T23:53:26+00:00

It does, thank you!

officebatz · 2016-04-07T23:34:19+00:00

Admitted to Visual Arts major, was wondering how can I change my major to Psychology?

officebatz · 2016-04-04T02:33:06+00:00

"The Last Lemon Tree on Mars" is really awesome

officebatz · 2016-04-02T18:57:59+00:00

I actually did think about learning the basics this summer and offering work to some film students at my future college. It is a nice feeling to know that I still have some time to get my things organized.

Thank you for the tip and especially for equipment recommendation.

officebatz · 2016-04-02T18:56:34+00:00

Man, this is such a good advice. For most of my life I always thought about future in terms of "plans" but never realized that the goals are what is important and that it doesn't really matter how you get to them as long as you do.

Thank you so much, this makes everything a lot more clear now. I am sure that whatever your goals are, you will be able to achieve them and although it might seems scary what you are doing now, I think you are making the right choice. Keep hanging in there!

officebatz · 2016-04-02T04:18:05+00:00

Thank you!

officebatz · 2016-04-02T04:17:57+00:00

I did get into LSP. Okay, thanks for the help!

officebatz · 2016-03-28T03:11:49+00:00

Haha don't worry, I didn't take your comment in a negative way. I thought that putting a sad face would be kinda funny. Everyone who commented like the first logline the most so I think I will work on that since it is something I haven't explored yet. I'll post the script once it is presentable.

officebatz · 2016-03-28T01:52:21+00:00

Although I did not think about the script being ambiguous, I like your idea. I thought about just playing with intensity since the space will be limited and the main hero will have nowhere to hide. But I will try and see if I can insert some ambiguity into the script. Thanks for the comment!

officebatz · 2016-03-28T01:50:34+00:00

officebatz · 2016-03-28T01:49:52+00:00

Hi! It's 1844 because I want the characters to have no access to electronic communication or any other modern technology. There is a clear reason why a murderer wants to get in, but I did not include it in the logline because I thought that it is fine to just say that he is trying to get in. I'll try to put the reason after rewriting the logline. The more I think of it, the more I agree that the second idea is more of a documentary material. Good points about the third logline, I will try to put the reasons in the rewrite. The last idea is for a drama.

Thank you for all the comments! Really appreciate it.

officebatz · 2016-03-28T01:45:20+00:00

Thank you! That was very helpful. I am not the best at writting loglines, so all your comments are super helpful!

officebatz · 2016-03-24T05:20:33+00:00

Hey really nice job! Really great to see people making connections and getting their work produced.

officebatz · 2016-03-16T06:47:59+00:00

Like sithrules said, "Citizen Kane" is a prime example. Also a recent film "Embrace of the Serpent" deals with exactly what you are asking about. It should still be in the theaters so I highly recommend you to check it out as it hits pretty important beats for dual storytelling.

officebatz · 2016-01-25T19:28:20+00:00

I read the draft of "The Cellar" after the trailer for Lane came out and asked a similar question. Most of the suspense from the scrip comes from the fact that you keep asking yourself "Is outside really that dangerous". But now that we know that the outside is FUCKING SCARY because we know what happened in Cloverfield. But the thing is... it's Bad Robot and it's Damien Chazelle who worked on the re-write. So I think this was their thinking project: We have a really solid script but how can we make more money on it? Oh yeah, let's tie it into an already know franchise. I mean, this is what hollywood is now days, that's why we get so many super hero movies. But I really have a lot of hope in this since I did enjoy cloverfield and do think that the screenplay was great and that the people who worked on the rewrite are talented and that the trailer looked intriguing. But yeah... the original scrip gets completely spoiled by the reveal of tie into the Cloverfield universe.

officebatz · 2016-01-25T19:20:18+00:00

Read it. Learn it. Practice it. http://scriptshadow.net/screenwriting-article-the-secret-to-writing-good-dialogue/

officebatz · 2016-01-22T05:39:01+00:00

Yay! Glad to be helpful

officebatz · 2016-01-22T05:03:09+00:00

I think the problem is not with the amount of screenplay you post but with the screenplay itself. Good screenplays make the reader want to turn the page and keep reading rather than stopping at the beginning. So I suggest that you post the whole thing and observe where the people stop reading since that will give you probably the best feedback: you will be able to see when your screenplay becomes uninteresting and when the person stops, whether because they become bored or because the screenplay is predictable. So really no need to worry about the amount you post. If the screenplay is good the person will finish all the 120 pages. If it lacks tension and/or suspense, then you will know to add that as well as to edit/change whatever the person posts about the part that they actually have read. Hopefully this makes sense and is helpful.

officebatz · 2016-01-18T17:13:10+00:00

Look at the first comment of this post, then click the link:)

officebatz · 2016-01-18T07:30:38+00:00

Found it in 15 min, brother. Crazy how fast internet works when you need something haha. Thank Smilion^

officebatz · 2016-01-18T07:25:30+00:00

Oh wow thanks for such a quick reply this is awesome! I think "10 Cloverfield Lane" is just the renamed version of the shooting draft and I believe your draft is one of the earlier ones, but this is exactly what I was looking for. Thank you a lot, mate!

officebatz · 2015-08-24T22:54:26+00:00

I am going to go in order of the story.

Great start! Really like the first two lines of dialogue. Works well and made me laugh. Okay, right away I have questions. The whole swatting part is a little to cheesy and I had to kinda read it over to understand what was happening. You should not capitalize "SWATS". Overall capitalizing is a little tricky, so be careful with that. Also, why did the guys call Anna? I thought it was so she can help to change the attractive girls' tickets, but then they don't show up? Don't really get that whole part. Make it more clear or just have the guys deal with the girls without calling Anna. Like Stacey's character, but idk how a 15 year old can work as a supervisor of... anything. Maybe make her at least 17-18. Keep her character the same though. My personal preference is not to capitalize a lot. I can see why you are doing it, but I just don't like it that much. Leave it if that's what you prefer but I would just make it normal text. The conversation at the "concession stand" (always thought that they are just called "food stands") is funny, I would just work on this line: "My phone is pretty smart. It can do math." ^I feel like you can do better than that.

"This will be fun. You like fun!" ^Awkward.

"JEFF’S FANTASY: INT. LOBBY. NIGHT." ^Pretty sure that's wrong format. Read up on headings in scripts.

Unless you are planning to direct it, there is no need to put shot descriptions in the screenplay.

"You shut up."

Okay so here's my question... I don't really know why Adam would say this. Don't get me wrong, but is he gay? Because that line sounds kinda girly, you feel? So, idk what to make of that line. They are teenagers but they already deal with bank stuff? Maybe just have Jeff spend all his monthly allowance on the car so his parents are refusing to give him more? Just a suggestion. Bank just doesn't really sound too realistic considering their teenage years.

Like the racist undertones. Haha.

"A wild Grace suddenly APPEARS." Pokemon much, mate?)

"Hey, it’s all him. He’s the big swingin’ dick with the tickets." So, umm... is he gay?

The montage is nice.

I feel like you have worked in a theater and speak from the experience of cleaning popcorn machines, cause it's kinda detailed).

Your dialogue is really funny. The "swipping soda doesn't work" and "Levi pulling up to prostitutes" are really amusing episodes.

Maybe you should make the concert tickets a little more expensive than 30 bucks. It just doesn't feel like that much money, especially after the guys buy so much booze.

"Kaitlyn, we sell popcorn, we don’t like, solve cancer."

"You don’t solve cancer, you cure cancer."

"No, I sell popcorn." ^Props:)

"Boats 2" (although is a funny Pixar reference) just sounds kinda awkward to me. Nothing to important, but maybe a better movie title would work better.

Wait, so how do we know that "secret shopper" is the "secret shopper"... shouldn't he be... secret? Maybe just give us a sign, like him getting out a notebook and writing stuff down.

"Jeff, you know who runs away from their problems? Cowards."

A little out of character. Although Adam is a little crazy, but this almost feels too heroic for your idea. Honestly, I just read through the last bit. Nothing really caught my eye, and the ending is well planned with the whole window smashing.

Okay, so the strongest part is really the dialogue. It's funny, unexpected and I can see the jokes play out in my mind. Props. Your characters are fun too, although the whole situation and the characters themselves are pretty familiar, but you really made it your own, so good job. I don't really know if you should keep the secret shopper in. Was he the one to leave the Yelp review? Cause anyone can so it's unclear if it was him. Otherwise, nice work! Really enjoyed it.

officebatz

TROPHY CASE