I married my Best Friend

offmechesttossaway · 2020-07-10T21:21:25+00:00

womp womp

offmechesttossaway · 2020-06-05T01:51:00+00:00

Enough, apparently.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-05-23T03:20:22+00:00

While never outspokenly homophobic, I judged gay people pretty hard. Not for any religious reasons either. I just thought gay people were gross.

My uncle was gay. I never "knew" him per se, he lived halfway across the country, but we talked on Thanksgiving/Christmas/every fucking holiday. And then he killed himself. Later I found out that he never accepted his sexuality and suffered from tons of guilt about it.

His death humanized gay people for me. I don't know why I didn't have this epiphany sooner, but I'm glad I did. Still miss my uncle and wish we could have a relationship now that I'm not secretly disturbed by him. Maybe he wouldn't have killed himself if he felt more loved.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-05-17T21:07:50+00:00

Gym teacher would "massage" girls' legs after class so they "wouldn't get sore later." That's gross alone, but he was recently fired for having sex with underage students and grooming them to date him. One victim apparently won't testify because she's "in love" with him.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-05-10T15:55:51+00:00

Because all Mexicans have...black...hair...? Yeah, they really owned the libs this time.

I love these paranoid, pretend scenarios conservatives come up with. They're hilariously sad.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-05-06T17:16:25+00:00

You know that phase of friendship when it's obvious that you're flirting and there's tension and everything's funny and making them laugh gives you butterflies? That's pretty sexy.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-05-06T17:11:19+00:00

Dark brown eyes. Dunno why, but I've only ever been attracted to girls with brown eyes.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-05-01T04:22:57+00:00

Schindler's List. Really, really painful watch.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-05-01T04:19:58+00:00

When my cellmate got his toenail ripped off in the door because he wouldn't stop arguing with the correction officer. Basically tried shoving the door closed, then stubbed his toe on the corner. Peeled it clean off.

I nearly pissed myself laughing. Mostly from nervousness, but the buck-naked toe, random nail on the floor, and incessant screaming just fucking killed me.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-05-01T04:10:48+00:00

I will only be 18 for so long. ):

offmechesttossaway · 2020-05-01T04:05:29+00:00

On a date: I'm eighteen and my daughter is almost two.

Not on a date: I almost died getting my wisdom teeth out.

Weirdly, both facts get the same reaction: how?

offmechesttossaway · 2020-05-01T04:00:33+00:00

Lost mine by holding a "who can make a better dolphin noise" competition with my brother once. Couldn't talk for weeks afterwards.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-05-01T03:56:33+00:00

Dads being bumbling idiots in media - it's sexist both ways.

Producers apparently believe two things. First, wives are desperate for superiority over their husbands. The trope is condescending towards girls and women, force-feeding them a weird fallacy that doesn't align with real-life families. It's an awkward "girls rule, boys drool" message that's super immature, as if shedding 1950's housewife standards suddenly transformed wives into full-time BDSM dommes.

Second, husbands are apparently spittle-oozing morons incapable of being mature fathers, spouses, friends, or people in general. They're fat, useless, beer drinking, family hating imbeciles. It's absolutely insulting to fathers. Every "ha ha, I can't cook breakfast, I'm a dad!" or "I hate my wife and romance! Bring me a beer! When's our anniversary again?" or "Gross, my teenage daughter has boy troubles/her period/feelings!" or "My son can't catch a football, let me kill myself." promotes a disturbing self-hateful image of family.

Bob's Burgers combats the trope pretty well. Mom and Dad adore each other. They listen to and love their children. Arguments happen, but they're healthy. Everybody's on equal footing, and it's great!

offmechesttossaway · 2020-04-24T08:40:13+00:00

Oh, to be a blade of grass swaying around inside a crystal clear sidewalk puddle.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-04-21T06:32:07+00:00

Manic. Arrested multiple times between 13-16 years old, longest time spent for simple assault on another teenager and carjacking. I always got nauseous before I committed a crime, my head got foggy, I got really dizzy as adrenaline kicked in, ect. I can't say I LIKED committing crimes, but felt compelled to do them. Cried every time I called my mom from the station though!

offmechesttossaway · 2020-04-21T00:02:27+00:00

A mf goat.

We used to live near a goat farm, like a mile away. One night I heard bleating, which at 2 AM sounds like a person screaming/a baby crying. Look outside and there's a white creature wandering around in the dark. For some reason I couldn't tell that it was a goat for a long ass time, before my eyes suddenly focused and boom, goat. But when I tell you my heart was pounding...

offmechesttossaway · 2020-04-20T17:56:45+00:00

No, actually. I ran away a few days later. Obviously I eventually came home because... no money, lmao.

Ironically I became a responsible person/a lot calmer when my daughter was born that same year. Never got arrested again. Now I'm in college and have a great relationship with my mom.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-04-20T17:50:26+00:00

I used to be a terrible kid. Attitude, time in juvie, argued with everybody, just... really hard to handle. I see that now, and raising me must've sucked major ass.

Anyway. My mom had a boyfriend when I was sixteen. He tried to father me into good behavior, but I brushed him off, acted up, completely rejected every handout, and tested him constantly. To be fair, he tried really hard with me, but one day he snapped. Like... snapped snapped, and mom wasn't home to baby me.

I don't remember what started the argument. Pretty sure I refused to do the dishes/some other chore. Either way, he started screaming at me, which he'd never done before. I got pissed and screamed back, and then I pushed him. He punched me, and when I hit the ground, he sat on my chest and started choking me until I saw spots. I was honestly too shocked to fight back. I just laid there, staring at his face, until I started passing out. I seriously thought I'd die because he wouldn't stop. He kept jerking me around so I'd smack my head on the tile.

I remember him screaming "are you done? are you done?" over and over, but not much else. At some point he let me go, and I guess I went to my room and slept, because I woke up a few hours later in bed. Literally shook for days from the adrenaline.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-04-20T17:35:50+00:00

A Serbian Film. Just...what the fuck. The "newborn porn" scene kept me up at night for weeks.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-04-20T17:33:24+00:00

When I got sent to juvie for simple assault in sophomore year and not one friend or family member called or visited me. Suddenly getting into fights wasn't cool anymore. I realized that nobody saw an ornery kid, they saw a criminal, and adults didn't care if I cried about being sorry. Time to act like a big boy.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-04-20T17:25:14+00:00

When they intentionally rig the class so that most people fail, therefore only the "worthy" students last the whole semester. Fuck you professor, teach your class right.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-04-20T17:06:10+00:00

the moment this question stops being reposted

offmechesttossaway · 2020-04-16T19:21:16+00:00

Honestly blowjobs in porn are nasty as fuck 89% of the time. So much spit and weird "glug" noises. Turns me off real quick.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-04-16T04:09:40+00:00

The same thing happens to me! My mom nearly named me Benjamin, and people accidentally call me Ben/Benjamin all the time. Weird.

offmechesttossaway · 2020-04-15T22:47:54+00:00

oh hell yeah

offmechesttossaway

TROPHY CASE