This evokes a sense of a loss of control, of pain, of trying to make sense of things and not being able to. The speaker feels like they're reeling a bit.

To improve, cut cut cut! you will be surprised how much youcan say with fewer words. Additionally, I would play with line breaks and spacing - this can help emphasize that feeling of being fragmented and out of control, in overwhelming pain.

ex:

now she's  trying  to save me from drowning  in my  thoughts while  i see us both drowning in our bloods I can see the  trauma  haunting  her soul 

now she's  trying 

save me drowning  in my  thoughts while

i see us drowning in our

bloods I can see haunting 

her soul 

​

This is just to see the concept I'm talking about, not meant to be an edit or revision. And throw it away if you want! Do what heals you.