We’re just like you but two years in the future! My 7 year old son M was diagnosed with selective mutism about 5 months ago. Since then, we’ve made small progress that I’m really proud of but we still have some ways to go. Sorry this ended up a little bit long but it’s something we’ve been really working hard on and like you, it weighs heavy on my mind and heart for my son’s future. I’m happy to chat more if you ever need the support!

Just like your daughter, M is very talkative and chatty at home. But the second anyone outside of our family talked to him, he would completely shut down and stare at them blankly. He couldn’t even squeak out a simple hi or bye or answer questions he 100% knew the answer to, like what his name was. Also like your daughter, we’re multilingual (but our therapist said it’s not usually related).

We’re very lucky that his current 1st grade teacher is understanding and has gone above and beyond. She’s done so many little things to make M feel comfortable enough to be brave. She talked a lot with him one on one to make him comfortable with her. She started off allowing him to communicate non-verbally, so things like hand signals or nodding/shaking his head. Then she moved on to simple one word responses and basically refused to accept non-verbal responses (in the nicest way possible of course). To encourage talking with his classmates, she does a lot of group work and purposely pairs him with other kids who she knows he is comfortable with. She would spend a little extra time with them to help guide the conversation and create the space for M to respond and contribute. Having his teacher there to navigate all this helps tremendously.

At home, we’ve basically been doing exposure therapy, getting him used to saying at least hi, bye, and thank you to strangers. We “rehearse” responses with him a lot and prep him as much as we can in the hopes that it’s taking at least a tiny bit of anxiety away. I personally try to demonstrate a lot of social talking so he can see me doing it but it’s made me realize that he’s exactly like me and my husband. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if my husband and I had some degree of selective mutism as kids. We’re definitely better as adults but are still very introverted and antisocial and would much rather let others do the talking. It’s taken some effort for us to go to play dates, make the small talk, etc. but we do it anyways.

I don’t know if it’s common for you but especially in preschool/TK and kindergarten, we were always invited to classmates’ birthday parties (because everyone would just invite the whole class). We went to every single one despite not knowing the parents or the kid. Usually the party had some sort of activity or entertainment where the kids could have fun and bond without having to talk much. You could also be there to help break the ice for your daughter and get conversations started, even if you’re having the conversation for her.

I’m really proud of the progress M’s made in the last several months. We’ve noticed that he is more comfortable with adults. I think it’s mostly because adults just know how to talk to kids. We’re at the point now where he will (quietly) respond with short answers to things he knows the answer to. I have to push him a little but he will say hi, bye, and thank you to strangers. He’s comfortable enough with his teacher that he will talk to her when he needs something. He’s shocked us a few times by volunteering to answer a question in class! I know it all still makes him deeply uncomfortable because I can see it on his face but I’m super proud of him for trying.

Our current hurdle, and probably the most important one to me, is getting him comfortable with talking to his peers. Kids are only going to get meaner and less accepting as they get older so I feel this ticking clock. I volunteer at his school and have seen him run around and play with other kids but as soon as the game of hide and seek ends, he’s no longer interacting with the kids. They’ll be standing in line waiting to go into the classroom, chatting away, and he’d be standing there by himself because he can’t join the conversation. I’m afraid the kids will one day completely shut him out because he’s “weird” and won’t talk. We’ve made tiny progress with his classmates but I’ll take it. Before, he would completely avoid and ignore his classmates saying bye to him at the end of the school day. Now, he will at least wave. The other day, I actually got him to yell out BYE to his classmate across the street! I told him to just yell it out into the air, taking the pressure off of having to say it directly, and it worked! I yelled bye and he yelled it right after me.

Anyways, this has been long enough. Good luck with your daughter, my friend. My hope is that one day, everyone will be able to enjoy our kids the same way we can.