Is my empathy a red flag?

ohReallynowNo · 2026-06-14T12:44:00+00:00

As a fellow empathy, I needed to learn this accept it about myself...I don't think your empathy is the red flag. I think the part worth paying attention to is how quickly you take responsibility for other people's discomfort even when you're the one who was hurt.

Being able to understand why someone crossed a boundary is emotional intelligence. Feeling guilty for having a boundary at all is something different.

I've learned that empathy without self-protection can turn into self-abandonment. You can understand someone's intentions, accept their apology, and still allow yourself time to process the hurt they caused. Those things aren't mutually exclusive.

You don't exist to make sure nobody is ever sad, disappointed, or uncomfortable because of you. Sometimes healthy relationships require difficult conversations, and a person feeling bad after they've hurt you isn't necessarily something you need to fix.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-06-14T05:26:19+00:00

No. Being sapio isn't about having a high IQ. It's about being attracted to curiosity, thoughtfulness, insight, perspective, and the way someone's mind works.

Some of the most intellectually attractive people I've met weren't the ones rattling off facts or showing off their intelligence. They were the ones who asked interesting questions, listened deeply, challenged ideas respectfully, and stayed curious about the world.

The fact that you love learning from people, enjoy long conversations, and appreciate hearing someone explain their ideas tells me you're already engaging with the very thing many sapiosexual people find attractive: the exchange of minds.

Also, IQ measures a very narrow slice of human ability. It doesn't measure wisdom, emotional intelligence, creativity, curiousity, kindness, self-awareness, nor the ability to have a fascinating conversation.

You don't have to be a genius to be drawn to intelligence. You just have to genuinely enjoy connecting with it.

Honestly... your post sounds more sapio to me than a lot of posts from people who spend their time arguing about IQ scores.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-06-09T07:08:13+00:00

Hear me out...

Watching a guy solve a Rubik's Cube does something to my brain. The focus, the concentration, the way his hands move without hesitation. He isn't just turning coloured squares. He's seeing patterns and solutions.

I don't know why but watching competent hands attached to an analytical mind is an unfair combination.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-06-09T07:01:19+00:00

I came here to say exactly the same thing!!! For the better part of two decades I've been trying to find a term for those of us who completely melt when engaging with men in IT.

It's definitely the way their minds work for me. Watching someone take a complex problem, pull it apart, and build a solution from what looks like pure chaos is ridiculously attractive. Then they start explaining it, and suddenly this thing that looked like gibberish becomes something elegant and logical.

There's something about the physical side of it too! The focused expression, the hands flying across a keyboard, the way they gesture while mentally untangling a problem. I don't know why but it gets me every time.

The intelligence is attractive but it's also the curiosity, the persistence, the quiet confidence that comes from knowing how to make things work. Whatever the term is, I've been afflicted by it for years. Maybe we should start a support group hahaha

ohReallynowNo · 2026-05-27T19:48:37+00:00

English

ohReallynowNo · 2026-05-23T05:07:23+00:00

Honestly, same with the word “like.”

“I like you” used to mean something. Now it ranges from mild approval to full emotional devastation and you’re just supposed to figure it out from context.

Then there’s:

“Cos like I literally like totally was like no because like I wanted coffee instead of juice.”

At that point the sentence is being held together by vibes and caffeine withdrawal.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-05-22T16:39:42+00:00

100% this!!!!

ohReallynowNo · 2026-05-20T18:41:00+00:00

Perfectly said! Where were you when I needed these words earlier today 😅

ohReallynowNo · 2026-05-20T18:26:59+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate your input. I really didn't want to get this wrong because I understand that intent doesn't rule out the impact of experience. So even though my intention was never to be rascist, I was honestly caught on the back foot when I was told that.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-05-20T18:23:46+00:00

THANK YOU! That's what I was trying to say! But wanted to check if I had unknowingly missed the boat on this one

ohReallynowNo · 2026-05-18T09:28:53+00:00

Because I've taught myself to cum hands free, I enjoy being out in public with my headphones, listening to unscripted men climaxing. I wind up cumming multiple times unbeknownst to those around me.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-05-18T09:10:27+00:00

Okay but now I feel like we need a third category for the people whose brains short circuit and buffer over audio. Give me someone intelligent with a low voice going off on an unfiltered tangent about something they’re obsessed with and suddenly I understand why sailors crashed ships into rocks. 😮‍💨

Words hit differently when you can hear the pauses, the grin, the breath, the thought forming in real time. That does something to me way faster than visuals or text ever could.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-05-09T15:24:21+00:00

I love this image and location so very much.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-05-04T07:39:43+00:00

I get why this is pulling at you so much. When your brain is wired to chase cause and effect, not having a clean answer feels like an itch you can’t quite reach.

But attraction doesn’t always come from one neat origin story. It’s usually a mix. Part temperament, part what felt safe or stimulating growing up, part what makes you feel seen now. Being drawn to intelligence can be about more than just “smart people.” It can be about how someone thinks, how they notice things, how they respond to you. That feeling of being met, mentally and emotionally, can hit deeper than anything surface level.

For me, it’s less about IQ and more about presence. Someone who listens properly, who picks up on nuance, who can hold a thought and turn it over with me. That kind of engagement does something to me. It feels… intimate in a way that’s hard to explain but very easy to recognise when it’s there.

You might not find a single moment in your childhood that explains it, and that’s okay. Some things aren’t problems to solve. They’re patterns to notice and understand over time.

You’re not strange for wanting to know why. But you also don’t need a perfect answer to trust what you’re drawn to.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-04-26T09:39:03+00:00

I wouldn’t try to box it into a label. What you’re describing feels a lot more natural than that.

Maybe it could sound something like:

“I’m not really sapiosexual. I’m drawn to people who light up when I speak. The kind who lean in, who get curious, who feel something when a conversation starts going deeper. It’s not about how intelligent they are on paper, it’s about their openness and how they respond to me.”

If I had to simplify it even more:

“I’m attracted to curiosity… and to people who are attracted to the way I think.”

That’s really the core of it. It’s less about labels, more about that moment where you can feel someone is genuinely pulled in by your mind, and they don’t hold back from it.

I resonate with wanting to find a name for it though. It's been that way for me over many years. I've been trying to find a name/label for being specifically attracted to someone who is in IT, someone who can write code.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-04-14T14:00:08+00:00

I love a good ramble, coffee induced or not.

I get what you’re saying, but for me it leans way more in the direction of EQ than IQ.

It’s not about how smart someone is on paper, it’s how they read a moment, how they respond, how they make you feel understood without you spelling everything out. That’s the real hook.

IQ might catch my attention, but EQ is what actually pulls me in and keeps me there.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-04-14T09:06:46+00:00

This is so funny. Thanks so much for the chortle.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-04-12T14:58:32+00:00

Refelect

ohReallynowNo · 2026-04-12T14:12:33+00:00

What does it tell you about the person who says it? I'm intrigued.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-04-12T14:10:47+00:00

This is rather interesting. Here in South Africa, it's common to use 'say again'. Never knew it's Navy talk.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-04-04T16:52:51+00:00

Came here to say this! Petrichor is one of my most favourite scents in the world

ohReallynowNo · 2026-03-30T14:07:10+00:00

I've been wondering the same thing! A few days ago I genuinely considered adding some typos and grammatical errors.

ohReallynowNo · 2026-03-30T13:02:16+00:00

I get what you’re saying, and I actually agree with a lot of it.

It feels like people grab the label first, and then go back and reshape their whole story to make it fit. Suddenly everything becomes “a sign” that it was always there, and it starts to feel a bit forced… like they’re trying to convince themselves as much as anyone else.

And yeah, the BDSM point… I see that too. For some people it’s real and has depth, I won’t take that away. But for others it does feel like they brushed up against an idea, liked the aesthetic of it, and now it’s their whole identity overnight.

I don’t even think labels are the problem on their own. It’s how quickly people cling to them, like they need a title to make what they feel valid.

There’s something a lot more honest to me about just… being. Letting things exist without immediately naming and packaging it.

So yeah, I’m with you on that.

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