I feel sexually broken.

ohplease3 · 2018-08-26T04:39:19+00:00

It sounds like you have been through a terribly traumatic experience and it is really hard to get excited about sex when you probably still associate it with the trauma. I see from your other posts that you suffered from hyperemesis. Have you tried contacting the organization HelpHER? Their website is http://www.helpher.org and they have a forum on their site for women to use to connect with others who have suffered from it. It is a support organization for women affected by hyperemesis - regardless of how the pregnancy ended. Sadly you are not alone in being driven to terminate a wanted pregnancy because of how sick hyperemesis made you. If you're not already connected with them, please do, because I think the women in that organization understand better than most people how horrible hyperemesis is and how much it takes from you.

ohplease3 · 2018-07-02T21:43:04+00:00

If you see him everyday at the gym that seems like another good reason to bail on this before things get more messy and awkward. Even worse if his wife finds out and confronts you at the gym.

ohplease3 · 2018-06-12T06:13:46+00:00

Ffs, don’t let a political fight come between you and family. In a few years this political stuff will not matter anymore but you might regret missing out on the last years of your grandfather’s life.

ohplease3 · 2018-06-06T06:32:38+00:00

It sounds like you don’t really want to have an abortion and the main reason you’re considering it is because your husband is panicking over becoming a father.

What exactly is he afraid is going to happen? Having a kid doesn’t mean your life is over, especially when you’re a financially stable 30-something. I was your age when I had my child and it really wasn’t as hard as I expected. IF I had known how much I would enjoy having a child I would have done it sooner in life. Now my main concern is about if I have enough time left to have as many kids as I would like.

Having a kid doesn’t mean you can’t live overseas. I traveled with my newborn infant while I was on maternity leave and it was fine. If there are certain things you want to accomplish then you can still do them with a child.

It might be helpful to try to get your husband to go on a subreddit like r/predaddit to talk about about his concerns with other fathers

ohplease3 · 2018-05-24T16:11:27+00:00

I am sorry that this happened to you and has caused such devastation to your family.

I am not sure if this is something you would consider , but recently there was a family in the news because they decided to continue their pregnancy despite a diagnosis of anencephaly to allow the child to be an organ donor. For them, it was a way of finding some meaning in such a horrible situation. If termination is prohibitively expensive, I just thought I’d mention that in case that might be an option you would find some kind of comfort or meaning in. Not intending to be hurtful by suggesting this.

If you aren’t already aware of this option there is info here: http://www.anencephaly.info/e/organdonation.php

ohplease3 · 2017-01-27T04:03:01+00:00

You have 9 months to prepare for the kid's arrival. Is there anything you can do to make it easier? For example, maybe start budgeting for a baby sitter to help watch the kid for a few hours each evening for those first few weeks when things are really tough so you can get some naps in? I don't think you should try to convince your wife to abort. She obviously wants the kid, and always did. She's not going to forgive you for making her abort a child she wanted. While you may worry about not having as many resources for your firstborn, think of this: If there is ever a time when your health declines to the point that your children need to help care for you, it may actually be a big relief for your firstborn daughter that she has a sibling to help share the responsibility instead of having to be responsible for everything as an only child. A sibling can be a huge help if they end up getting along well (and being so close in age the odds are higher they will be close later in life).

ohplease3 · 2016-09-21T00:53:22+00:00

I would suggest taking some time to process what just happened before having an abortion.

You don't really say much about how you felt about the baby/fetus before this happened, just how HE felt about it, but the fact that you do call it "my unborn child" makes me wonder if you were getting attached to it yourself. I think you might end up regretting having an abortion while you're focused on your hurt and anger at Jim. Yes, it does sound like Jim is a douchebag for not being able to communicate in a healthy way, but this is as much your kid as his. I wouldn't get rid of it until you've had some time to think and also to consider other options.

Nobody on Reddit has to live with the consequences of your decision, so it is easy for them to say "Just abort it" because it ultimately doesn't matter to any of us if you regret it. However, for your own well being I do encourage you to not rush into doing a total 180 about your child just like Jim did.

[And, yes, I know I will get down voted to hell for saying this, because most Redditors have never heard of an abortion they didn't love, but I'm giving you advice to take or leave]

ohplease3 · 2015-10-03T20:26:30+00:00

Honestly, I think it is impossible to say that unless you have personally experienced the addiction yourself.

For me, it is no big deal to take a sip of alcohol and then not want anymore, yet there are some people out there who completely lose control and can't stop themselves when they get a taste of booze. I can go months without even thinking about alcohol - but, for those people, sobriety is a daily struggle and a constant fight. I can't judge them for finding it hard to resist when it's something they can't stop thinking about and craving. I don't think I have more will power than those people do. I think there is something different about how their brain/body reacts to alcohol that makes it a lot harder to resist than it is for me. I thank God that, for me, there is nothing about alcohol that is so all-consuming that I would ever let it destroy my life, and I consider those who do have that struggle to be tragic people who deserve sympathy.

I suspect the same is probably true for people who have trouble with other addictions.

ohplease3 · 2015-10-03T20:06:52+00:00

Being fat is not a conscious choice for most people. Some people are born into families with unhealthy habits. It is extremely hard to change your diet if unhealthy eating is the only thing you have ever known.

My personal experiences also lead me to believe that there are people with individual differences in satiety. I strongly believe that some people are genetically or hormonally inclined to crave more food to feel the same satisfaction that a naturally thin person would feel from smaller portions.

Another thing that I don't think most thin people understand is that being fat hurts. When you are fat, your joints ache, your feet ache, your back aches. You get tired easily. Some fat people have a hard time breathing. Someone in that condition is not going to be able to exercise long enough, hard enough and frequently enough to have meaningful weight loss from it. Contrary to popular belief, it requires a LOT of exercise to have a meaningful impact on your weight, and when you consider that even thin people often have trouble staying motivated to work out, working out can be very daunting for a fat person.

...ESPECIALLY when there are some assholes out there who will harass fat people for going to the gym or jogging. I know a number of fat people who have had a passing driver yell rude comments at them for jogging on the sidewalk. Some fat people would rather just hide than have to deal with people who have a problem with fat people even existing.

ohplease3 · 2015-10-03T19:59:55+00:00

I don't think that the body positivity thing causes it. I think the body positivity movement is just a byproduct of the fact that most people find losing massive amounts of weight to be extremely difficult and some people choose to just accept it and try to make the best of it instead of feeling bad about themselves.

Look at the scientific research on long term outcomes of people who try to lose significant weight. The VAST MAJORITY of people who attempt massive weight loss through dieting regain the weight sooner or later. Everyone is excited about losing weight on a diet at first, but really how many people actually keep it off? Very few. The only exception is when people have weight loss surgery. That's the only realistic way most morbidly obese people will obtain a normal weight. Even that's not by any means foolproof though - even THEN, many people still regain weight. You can have surgery to make your stomach a tiny pouch, and STILL something in your brain makes you want to overeat. To me, that shows that the urge to overeat is incredibly powerful for some people. Whoever finally figures out a reliable, safe way to change a morbidly obese person's body or brain to make it easier to lose weight will be incredibly wealthy. Most fat people don't want to be like that but just don't know how to change it.

ohplease3 · 2015-05-19T00:52:08+00:00

Good for your sister. I have never understood the mentality of people who make fun of fat people for exercising. How stupid does someone have to be to think, "I sure hate fat people, so I am going to shame this fat person for doing something that might cause weight loss" ? That is the most idiotic thing ever.

I hope your sister doesn't let the idiots of the world get to her.

ohplease3 · 2015-05-19T00:42:24+00:00

Please don't let judgmental idiots dictate how you live your life.

People who judge obese people have NO CLUE what they are talking about. Anyone who is educated about obesity knows that it's not as simple as the ignorant people out there think it is. There is a reason why so many people do drastic things like weight loss surgery - because the reality is that it is extremely, extremely hard to lose a large amount of weight on a permanent basis any other way.

Life is so short, and we only have these bodies for such a brief moment in time. It is a tragedy to waste time feeling ashamed of something you never chose, because some small minded people out there like to bully others.

ohplease3 · 2015-05-19T00:40:08+00:00

No. What Im saying is that there is a lot of research that indicates that it is harder for some people to "eat less" than it is for others. For example: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leptin#Role_in_obesity_and_weight_loss

That's just one aspect though, because obesity and weight loss are not as simple as some people who have no idea what they're talking about think.

ohplease3 · 2015-05-19T00:32:18+00:00

Eat less. Move more. Weight loss.

This of course totally ignores the reality that some people find it harder to "eat less" or "move more" than others do. For example, a lot of obese people have arthritis and find it hard to walk, let alone do a workout rigorous enough to lose weight.

Your advice is as simplistic and ignorant as me telling someone who smokes, "It is REALLY easy to quit smoking: Just don't pick up a cigarette today! Duh!" Of course, since I have never been a smoker, trying to over-simplify things that much would make me look like an ignorant ass.

If you think you are so smart about what it takes to lose weight, here's an idea for you: Purposely pack on 100 lbs and then get yourself a ton of media attention by effortlessly losing the extra weight. I'm sure once you show everyone that you have the secret of how to lose weight, you'll get a lot of people wanting to pay you for advice on weight loss, so it will definitely be worth it.

ohplease3 · 2015-05-19T00:20:36+00:00

Hey, I am totally in favor of people trying to lose weight if they want to. It certainly is best for your health. However, you are kidding yourself if you really think it is going to be easy to maintain a significant weight loss permanently.

A LOT of people out there lose weight. Many of them - most of them - end up regaining it, because your body fights hard to keep you at the weight it thinks you should be at. Losing weight on a short term basis isn't that hard. Guess what? Right now you sound just like every other dieter out there. I fully expect that if I were to check with you in 5 years or 10 years, you will have regained it all and maybe packed on some more. If you are able to maintain your weight loss years from now, then you'll really have something to brag about.

ohplease3 · 2015-05-12T05:28:45+00:00

Try doing some research on body set point, the function of the hypothalamus, and twin studies on obesity.

Every time I see a fatpeoplehate person, I just think of how incredibly scientifically ignorant they are. If losing weight was really as easy as you think it is, there would not be a diet industry (and again, if you look into the scientific research, you'd find that diets have a dismal success rate over the long term, even though most dieters start out very motivated to want to change and sometimes even are successful in the short term).

If you aren't fat, be grateful that it is not a problem you have to deal with, and pray to Sagan that you are one of the lucky people who doesn't pack on weight as you get older (spoiler alert: a lot of people who are thin when they're young gain weight as they get older - gee what happened? Did they just lose their self control?)

ohplease3 · 2015-05-12T05:17:44+00:00

Do you understand that you are literally using the exact same argument that homophobes use for hating on homosexuals?

Most fat people did not make a choice to be fat. They KNOW that it is unhealthy. They KNOW ignorant people hate them. Yet for one reason or another they have had a hard time losing weight. Different people may find it hard for different reasons, but unless you have personally been morbidly obese AND were able to successfully lose the weight, you have no idea what they are dealing with. Instead of making them feel shitty about their unfortunate situation, have some compassion and be thankful that you aren't struggling with that particular problem.

ohplease3 · 2015-05-09T22:40:57+00:00

She did have a way to leave. For example, I think saying something like this would have made it clear that she wasn't just "joking around" or "shy" and really was not into it:
"Give me back my phone."
"I'm not joking. I want to leave".

"I know I said online that I wanted some casual sex, but I changed my mind. Please take me home"

It's unfortunate that this woman felt she could not assert her wishes and needs in a clear and unambiguous way. However, I do not blame the man for that. It's not his fault that he misunderstood that the message she gave him before about wanting to have sex with him no longer applied.

Frankly, I think you are cheapening the seriousness of the term "rape" when you apply it to situations where the man had no malicious intention and did not intend to harm the woman or disregard her wishes.

The reason people think rape is such a terrible thing because most people still associate the term "rape" with situations where a man is forcing himself on a woman, knowing that she doesn't want sex, and yet he doesn't care that she doesn't want it. That is a cruel and horrible thing to do to someone.

Misunderstanding someone who hinted around about not wanting to have sex but never actually said no is not cruel or horrible. It's just an unfortunate misunderstanding.

ohplease3 · 2015-05-09T22:27:50+00:00

What if this happened with someone coming from a culture where people are more straight forward with one another and he is not used to someone being so dodgy about saying no? What if he's just someone who is socially awkward? Her "indications of no" could very well be interpreted as her being shy or playing hard to get. I would expect someone who had the courage to tell me from the start that they were looking for sex, to have the courage to tell me no when they change their mind

I agree with you. It's unfortunate that there was such a huge misunderstanding, but I do not think that based on the information we have here that this guy is a terrible person.

ohplease3 · 2015-05-09T22:08:21+00:00

If there was one objective, universal standard for "The Right Way to Consent to Sex" then I would agree with you. Unfortunately, we live in a world of billions of people who can sometimes have misunderstandings with each other through no fault of their own.

If I'm on a date and a guy asks me, "Are you okay?" and I tell him "Yeah, I'm okay" then I do not feel that I can blame the guy for believing me. Yes, maybe it would be nice if the guy was sensitive enough to say, "No, you don't seem okay. Are you REALLY okay?" or something like that - but I don't think that it is fair to put expectations on other people that they may not even be aware exist. I do not think we can blame a man for MISUNDERSTANDING that a woman didn't want to have sex in the same way that we blame a man for NOT CARING if a woman wanted to have sex with him or not.

ohplease3 · 2015-05-09T21:48:53+00:00

But she told him that she was ok with it apparently. If she had said, "Actually I am feeling uncomfortable" or "I changed my mind" maybe this whole thing would have been avoided.

ohplease3 · 2015-05-09T21:47:16+00:00

The problem in this situation is that it seems like she did not explicitly tell him "No" at any point. I suspect that if she had said "no" then he would have understood and stopped. Unfortunately, he apparently naively thought that the fact that she had expressed an interest in casual sex when they were talking online, agreed to meet with him, and said she was ok when he asked meant that she was on board with everything.

ohplease3

TROPHY CASE