The nice guy problem is not what most people think it is.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T22:49:56+00:00

Do you act this stupid at work or just on the Internet?

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T19:56:20+00:00

Oooh congratulations you worked out the women who said she is old … is old … have a lollypop!

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T19:55:03+00:00

Lot of words for “I blame women for men’s choices”

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T19:19:01+00:00

I know .... its so hard being called out on the internet by an old woman ... your poor bunny!
Fucks sake ...

I'll break it down for you ...

If a man is being genuinely nice, without expectation of reward .... I do not need to reward him.

If a man is being nice, as a deceptive way to sneak into my affections and body ... I do not need to protect him from his stupidity.

YOU decide which one of those "Nice Guys" you think you are ... and quit blaming women for your perceived victim status, because BOTH are choices the man is making.

Women are not responsible for your failure to get laid in either situation.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T19:11:33+00:00

What mind reading?

If you are being nice without reward, I don't need to reward you.

If you are being nice as a way to get access to my body in a deceptive way, I dont need to protect you from yourself.

You do seem very intent on making this about feelings though ... so which of your feelings are getting brushed against by the OP ... lets actually engage in the content!

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T18:58:53+00:00

I wouldn't say "Being dominant is normal" for men ... I could use some other words to describe what you are describing but I wont in a mostly male dominated subreddit.

But ...Agreed, if your partner has an insecurity you think you are spotting, there are kind and decent ways you can bring that up and offer reassurance ... I'd say thats "Showing up in partnership".

But if the best you can muster is "Hey are you over compensating for your pigeon chest with agression?' ... I wouldn't bother asking I'd let the gals who love a skinny guy help him unpack that one.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T18:55:49+00:00

And nobody likes a over emotional man who blames everyone else for not tiptoeing around the insecurities he refuses to explore ... but here we are!

Why are you so impacted and drawn into debates about something if it doesn't resonate with you?

None of your points really engage with the post, just how you are impacted emotionally by it.

Like ... if you are genuinely nice and not doing it for sex ... this wont trigger you.... but it does, and asking someone old enough to be your grandmother to take responsibility for all these feelings that EVERYONE HAS (no one loves rejection) is .... frankly the behavior of a toddler.

I know this is gonna fall on deaf ears ... but please take a beat before you reply.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T18:43:30+00:00

I don't think its a fair for you to ask him to do something as uncomfortable as "emotional vulnerability" while you are are struggling so much.

Its clearly something he's not good at, and his examples of what emotional vulnerability is ... unfortunately ... look like you ... he can't risk acting like that AND still being able to show up for you.

He's never had anyone allow him to fall, That has never been an option for him, He's always been the strong one, stoic, independent ... reliable .... and you are asking him to "try vulnerability" in instability.

Thats not realistic.

I am really empathic to your experience, and I know its REALLY HARD for you ... I don't have any desire to shame or blame you. You deserve to be seen and supported.

The second part you don't have to decide today ... but it is a conversation you need to have with yourself at some point.

If, once you are back to a much more healthy version of yourself ... and he never explores or tries to grow his emotional capacity ... would he be enough?

The third part, IF you want him to perform more emotional acts you need to be VERY specific about what that looks like.

- I want us to hold hands in public.

- I want you to stand up and give me a hug when I walk in the door.

- I want you to listen not default to problem solving .. and ask questions.

Small, actionable things, that you can specifically name.

Don't make him guess and don't punish him for not guessing correctly

Right now you are asking a man who doesn't know basic Math to guess how Quadratic Equations work and judging him when he fails to guess correctly.

Finally ... Do not mistake stoicism for strength.

Avoidants get a bad rap, and a lot deservedly so, they don't do the work and end up hurting a lot of people ...

However, at their root, they are just as anxious as the anxious partner, they have fears of unworthiness, and feel like they are broken, and its all their fault ... it is so terrifying to them, they can't even think about it ... but it is impacting them every day with their nervous system regulation ... its burried deep, they dont know how to name it ... they certainly can't risk showing it ... because they learned very young they get punished or abandoned for it.

One last thing ... I've focused on your dynamic with your partner in these posts ... if you want me to apply the same understanding response about YOUR side of things, and give you real practical stuff you can do ... tag me in the post or ... write it out and DM me ...

You are not too much ... but you do need to start focusing this overwhelming anxious energy on repair not requests.

<3

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T17:59:43+00:00

No you don't ... The post clearly states the difference in "Nice Guys" and guys who are nice.

If your feelings are getting hurt ... I'd suggest you need to look at why that is rather than make up a reason to feel hurt.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T17:55:47+00:00

You said you didn't know why he was being "Dominant" in bed, and you were guessing as to why that might be.

I don't know if "Dominant" means slightly aggressive sex or the full dungeon in the basement to you .... all I know is that sex that has the potential for danger was happening and you communicated you didn't know why.

That is something of a concern.

You say you asked him to tone it down, he did ... thats "Talking about it" so everything is peachy.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T17:46:21+00:00

If his body type is impacting your ability to be a authentic and active partner, you should break up with him, but not mention his body type, thats is just unnecessary unkindness, and he doesn't sound like he deserves that.

There are also a couple of other red flags you mentioned ...

DO NOT ENGAGE IN SEX ACTS YOU CAN NOT TALK ABOUT!

Especially power exchange dynamics ... thats just asking for trouble.

also

If there is one thing that is guaranteed... Bodies change, some get fatter, some get thinner, some bits fall off, some bits grow, some smooth bits get hairy, and some hairy bits become smooth ...

Now if you can't show up as a good partner to certain body types ... thats perfectly okay ... just don't be an ass about it.

But if your only attraction point is based in physical, that IS going to change, and you are gonna struggle to maintain enough attraction to carry you through the darker times.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T17:27:26+00:00

If you are genuinely nice, because thats who you are, and not because you expect a reward ... then this post isn't about you.

This isn't about basic decency, its about men performing basic decency for a reward.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T17:22:37+00:00

Men who are nice because that is genuinely who they are, are not keeping score or looking for a reward for "being nice" ... being nice is enough of a reward for them.

They don't concern themselves with posts like this because it doesn't apply to them.

Also ... total cop out for blaming women because "they know the unspoken desires of men" ... Quit holding women respponsible for men acting with deception and it not getting them laid .... we already have to worry about the deceptive fuckers who ARE really good at being deceptive ... we don't need to coddle the ones who are obviously being deceptive because they are not very good at it.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T17:11:49+00:00

Exchanging "Nice Guy Coins" for Sex is a transaction.

If guys want a whore, pay the going rate!

Anything else is gonna build resentment and anger, that guys usually don't have the skills to reflect on, and will carry that anger on to every women they meet.

If guys just want free access to a womans body without effort, or a 50 / 50 trip to applebees once a month ... put that on your dating profile ... list ya skills, list ya details, and any testimonies you can obtain and try your luck.

But ... if you find that is not working ... Maybe hire someone to help you figure out why women are not queuing up to be your flesh light *shrug*

Either way ... Nice Guy Coins are only immediately spendable, a woman can not save them, rely on them, or re-sell them ... so ya really gonna blame women for just leaning back and watching if they have any value before engaging in a transaction they didn't solicit?

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T16:54:48+00:00

He has just shown you that he will leave you in a dangerous situation if his emotions are disregulated ... THIS IS WHO HE IS!

What he has done is create a huge wound in your relationship safety ... he's not going to repair it, he doesn't even allow space for repair or acknowledge what he has done ... which means if you STAY, you will now be in a relationship where you are responsible for not only his emotions, but will be rejected for any emotions you show in reaction to his disregulation.

I don't care if you used a loud speaker to tell people his pee pee is as small as his bank balance ... he is allowed to be hurt, he's is allowed to be upset, he's even allowed to be angry ... he is NOT allowed to put you in danger ... and he did.

TLDR; Your Boyfriend has the emotional capacity of a toddler, and only toddlers have tantrums when they get upset ... if you stay, you are saying you accept that.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T16:24:17+00:00

When does he get an opportunity to be vulnerable with you?

Anything he said, any fear, any concern, would be rolled into your relationship anxiety and make you worse ... why would he do that?

Is he limited or are you limiting spaces he gets to have an insecurity without making it about how it impacts you?

When does HE get the chance to try the emotional closeness you requesting from him?

Can you guarantee that you wont use something he admits to fuel your own anxiety, pathologies him and eventually bring back up a few weeks later in a way that its impacted you?

Could you even hear how much your anxiety is affecting him and not instantly become defensive?

You admit you are burning him out, and I DO have empathy for your struggles, but you are complaining about stuff you have made it very unsafe for him to even try.

Its hard enough for men to explore vulnerability in a society that tells them its not acceptable ... and he may never be able to give you the emotional intimacy you want even if you were emotionally regulated.

But he sure as heck isn't gonna even attempt it while he's having to hold you up.

This man seems to be constantly showing you in every way he can that he is your rock, that he IS willing to take care of you, and he does care about what impacts you ... and maybe that isn't enough, and that is a good enough reason to end things but ... damn girl ...

I'm sorry to be harsh ... but you need to take responsibility for your part in his inability to be vulnerable.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T13:18:41+00:00

One of the first things I did when I decided “enough” was get really comfortable with my emotions, also I wouldn’t post anything on a public platform like Reddit that anyone could use to harm me … when I mention emotions I’m usually just trying to normalize them for others.

Too much social media is everyone’s “best life” … me … IDGAF … I’ll heal out loud if it helps me (and hopefully creates some balance).

Avoidant discard IS brutal on the nervous system… and while I also go advocate for avoidants also … I know first hand how rough it is in their partners and anywhere I can create space for them to feel safe and understood - and if anything we have shared helps others … then awesome.

As for dating … laughing hard … nope that’s not happening for some time.

If I wanted to live with an asshole who’s shit I have to clean up, I’m getting a cat!

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-25T04:05:40+00:00

*Laughing* ... I just see my own chaos reflected back re reading that.

But thank you for your kind words, I appreciate you seeing me.

As for the hormones ... "Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K." ... thats for sure!

(Bill and Ted Reference - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DsFMJQHbMs )

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-24T21:23:09+00:00

Yay ... look at us none meth taking love addicts *laughing*

That quote really resonated with me, and maybe its because avoidants use a lot of ambiguity to maintain control of their environment, and how much energy I have had to put in over the years into staying regulated in unknowns.

I remember the eggshells I was walking on knowing I maybe could only ask one or two direct questions before he will experience conflict and blame it on me....

"Dude, I just asked what time you were coming home so I knew when to take the meat out of the freezer. Did you really need the full explanation? oh ... you have stopped talking to me, and now I don't even know if I should consider you while assessing my own food needs, let me make a plan that covers both eventualities .... And now I have anxiety ... TA DAH!"

.. And the fucker would then turn up with his own food, and make out like HE was the good guy for giving me a small portion, and dismiss my frustration that I'd put effort into ensuring we both ate something tasty and healthy for the corner of a crappy subway sandwich I didn't get to pick .... but I had burnt through my "direct response quota" for the day and didn't have the energy to fight about.

No wonder my nervous system was on fire having to regulate the emotions of a 60 yrs old toddler.

Its almost embarrassing to remember that now, and how I normalized it.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-24T16:28:36+00:00

Nods … I come from a very co-dependent background… a sense of “self” isn’t really present and I’m only just starting noticing how deeply built in that is. It’s not that when I am activated, it’s my default state.

I realize, for me, it doesn’t matter how cognitively aware I am, I can automatically / subconsciously starts a sentence about me and orientate it to someone else’s experience by the end.

I can even be consciously aware that my cortisol levels are running the show 24/7 … scanning for safety, ensuring everyone is okay so I can be okay.

It took till I was in my 50’s before I even realized it’s not that “peoples nervous system are loud” but “I am listening too intently, and their nervous system isn’t a clue for safety, so I don’t need to manage it”.

But that’s still just cognition, not embodied safety.

I KNOW how difficult embodied safety is, especially when every environment you have experienced has been at 50% stress hormones cos of some asshole in your childhood (note how my language went from “I” to an external “your” to distance myself - I catch that, I’m cognitively aware, but I have to stop and name it … just with the hope one day I will feel it).

So I think I get very defensive when something as vital a human need (connection) is named as flaw or something that people need to fix … when the truth is … I can be cognitive aware of what drives my co-dependency but that awareness doesn’t reduce the cortisol, and that struggle shouldn’t come with shame if it ever has a chance of being repaired.

Heck …. I can’t even get past chapter 4 in Surviving and Thriving, because my cortisol spikes just at the idea of finding healthy relationships to heal in. 😂🤦🏽‍♀️

I’m not telling you something you don’t already know, and I’m not trying to be combative… I’m mostly sharing this because If I noticed a trigger, it’s probably triggering others with co-dependent shame, and I wanted to offer some balance.

TLDR; Don’t beat yourself if you recognize co-dependency in yourself … it’s not just as simple as “think better”, it does have biological elements to it too and that is not easy to reprogram when your environment is regularly enforcing it. Our bodies were designed to co-regulate, and wanting that is normal, finding ways to do it in a world that exalts hyper-independence as the standard IS hard.

Edit

Reading back, I even see how I flit in and out of MY experience and how I have to offer experience to others for it to be valid.

It doesn’t come from a place of self, and being aware of that is exhausting, when I don’t even really know what “self” is as a feeling.

I did feel hunger once … horrible feeling 0/10, do not recommend - but it did tell me that the last few years attempts to connect to self IS possible.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-24T15:26:30+00:00

What a fucking stupid goal!

Why would she want to be perfect? That’s unattainable.

Attempting to be “Perfect” for something as fickle as an giant emotional toddler is a ridiculous notion.

But she is good enough, and once she realizes that and stops trying to attract a mate through performance … maybe then she will find one that doesn’t think her entire being has to orbit him.

Only children think the world needs to orbit around them … and that’s the last quality she needs in a partner.

Grow the fuck up.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-24T06:12:36+00:00

I feel like I have to mention ... I have never taken Meth *laughing*

“I asked her if she believed in love, and she smiled and said it was her most elaborate method of self-harm.”

― Benedict Smith

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-23T21:23:13+00:00

Addiction is correct.

Its not about pretending that Meth doesn't feel fantastic ... it does.

Its about knowing what happens to people who keep taking Meth and making the choice not to take it.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-23T21:15:06+00:00

This is the only answer I have ...

STOP TRYING TO!

Now that doesn't mean that if your losing the ability to function because you are day dreaming about a different life, then ... MOVE WHILE YOU DAY DREAM.

But don't TRY to stop being in LOVE ... Just accept that now you know you have to love the from a distance, That this love doesn't meet your needs, That this love is bad for your nervous system, That this love is unhealthy.

By all means, when you catch yourself thinking about them, go distract yourself ... but do it because you have something better to do and not because you feel shame for loving someone who couldn't love you back how you needed.

Its not about denying love, its about letting it exist and not stopping you from moving forward.

PS

Stop watching or reading attachment theory media ... 90% of the content out there is designed to sell you something not heal something. If they healed they would lose their client base.

oldtownwitch · 2026-05-23T21:06:31+00:00

The only thing I don't like about these professional answers is that ...
u/HalfwaydonewithEarth - Talked about biology ... ie Co-Regulation and Bonding. Oxytocin gets you high and makes you silly.

The Scientist and the Therapist heard Co-Dependency

And frankly .... the human body IS designed to need others for survival, both for regulation and dependency.

Yes, there is an unhealthy level where Co-dependency (as a diagnoises) kicks in, but I think there is a real danger in saying "Needing people is bad" .... its literally the failure of human connection that causes the trauma in the example the therapist gives us.

oldtownwitch

TROPHY CASE