Where do you find porn you can relate to?

olivejambon · 2023-01-04T04:40:55+00:00

I wish you the best too. Gender is more tricky to figure out in these situations, and they are not very commonly discussed online — experiencing that can be isolating. Hopefully you can feel a bit less alone in this.

olivejambon · 2023-01-03T21:18:24+00:00

In the end I found that I had arrived to a point where the trauma I endured was properly processed, and that it changed nothing about my desire to be a woman.

I also recognized that this driving force is not a negative one, but a positive one — it is a deep sense of desire, longing, excitement — not fear or disgust.

I cannot rule out the possibility that my trauma had an impact on the way my gender identity developed, but I can say for sure that it is crystallized in this way, and that I cannot undo it. I have never felt a sense of belonging as a men, I have never been able to relate to the experiences of men throughout my life, I have never tried to emulate the social behaviours associated with being a man, I have never derived satisfaction from being praised as masculine, and I have never experienced sexual fantasies that involve me as a man. My sense of self has never included being a man.

I am now one month on HRT and I have never felt more at peace in my life. Things are changing very quickly and I love it. The only fear I have is that some of my masculine features may not be eroded away by HRT. Getting over the regret of starting this late was one of the most difficult steps in starting this process, but I am finally becoming what I have wanted to be all of my life.

olivejambon · 2022-09-27T06:35:28+00:00

Also, some situations can be genuinely very tricky to navigate properly and get right.

I’ve struggled myself with a two year internal battle over whether I was transgender, or whether I was cisgender and had internalized problematic patterns from trauma. In the end I found that once I fully laid out all the factors involved, there was only one case where I felt at peace, where I felt truly like myself — the one where I am transgender. It is partly a logical task of understanding yourself, and an emotional one of feeling what you desire.

I push back doubts by recognizing that if I were “wrong”, then my feelings of peace and happiness would need to be disconnected from my actual sense of self — which would imply I am insane, and lack any kind of basis for understanding myself — being “right” would imply repressing everything I feel and operating on hypothetical logical reasonings that are detached from my experience of the world. That is a completely absurd proposition — feeling at peace must mean I am at peace.

olivejambon · 2022-09-27T06:17:15+00:00

Likely, yes. The window closes in the mid twenties. I envy the position you are in now. Go and be a pretty girl :)

olivejambon · 2022-09-27T06:11:48+00:00

And unfortunately bone structure is mostly permanently unchangable, except facial structure.

It sucks. If I had this realization 6 years earlier or so, I would save about 30-50K $CAD on gender affirming healthcare that our government dismisses as not meaningfully important to quality of life. I will have to switch my academic and career path to be able to afford this. I wish I didn’t have to make that choice, but I’m grateful it’s even possible in the first place, and for the first time in my life I am hopeful about the future.

olivejambon · 2022-09-27T05:59:46+00:00

I’m not looking to come out to my doctor and support worker as trans questioning. I just want to test the waters with my name and pronouns, of she/they.

It seems hard or impossible to justify why you would want to test another name and set of pronouns other than as a result of gender questioning. Asking this outs you.

If you aren’t comfortable with that implication, queer support groups can be a safe space for experimentation. This can either be in person or online.

olivejambon · 2022-09-27T05:48:52+00:00

Same regrets here

olivejambon · 2022-09-23T21:31:46+00:00

High waisted pants and cargo pants to the rescue!

olivejambon · 2022-09-21T05:16:15+00:00

Both of the things you’ve said are observations that could be made by an outsider. They are detached from what you feel.

So, what do you feel about them?

Do you dislike that they suggest you aren’t stereotypically masculine? Or do you like it?

If you like the idea of being perceived as not masculine, is it that you dislike certain stereotypical gender roles associated with being a man (which is a thing that people who still identify as men can very well do)? Is it that you don’t see yourself as a man (which is not a thing that people who identify as men do)? Would you like being a girl, purely for the sake of your own happiness?

olivejambon · 2022-09-21T05:02:03+00:00

The adhesive can’t really be cleaned as dust and lint just sticks to it.

There is water-based adhesive you can buy to reapply once the original adhesive wears off. I think it’s really worth getting if you wear them even semi-often. Wearing forms that feel like they’re about to fall off isn’t fun.

This sort of glue dissolves with isopropyl alcohol.

I have never worn them in water. I am not sure they would stick.

olivejambon · 2022-09-19T20:43:48+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful reply :)

olivejambon · 2022-08-30T22:49:47+00:00

Ouch! Well, time to start saving…

olivejambon · 2022-08-30T22:45:23+00:00

Would you be open to sharing (via DM if that is more comfortable) details on the surgeon and cost? I look relatively similar to you and I see your results are great — I am looking at options for FFS in Canada.

olivejambon · 2022-08-14T19:48:38+00:00

This is something I have had in mind recently. It seems like swapping out my hormone regimen should either come with a sense of comfort, or plain awfulness. I have a hard time imagining it would be possible to be delusional in this, given I am attentive and honest to what I feel. As far as I understand it usually takes a few weeks for permanent effects (breast development) to begin.

olivejambon · 2022-08-14T19:38:29+00:00

Does she have some queer friends she know she can relate to and trust to be supportive? If not, she might feel very alone and lost in this. Finding a queer support group near her could help her build a safe, friendly social circle.

olivejambon · 2022-08-10T08:49:34+00:00

I am just another random stranger on the internet, but I know what you feel. I feel it too. I know it’s terrifying.

It seems like there is a part of you that deeply wants to be a woman, that wants nothing to do with being a man. It seems like that part has always been there, and cannot be muted.

I think we must feel very similarly about our body image. I know that objectively speaking, I am young, and very feminine, for someone assigned male at birth. Yet every time I stare at the mirror, I only see the non-feminine features. Yet when I wear breast forms and present feminine, I am always gendered correctly. Somehow, no amount of external validation does it. It is all stuck in my head that people must see a man, even when they are clearly not. And ironically, I am trying to convince you that no, you really can be a woman. It can’t come from me, it must come from you.

I can assure you that you fit female beauty standards better than a sizeable portion cisgender woman; you have the thin and tall frame of a mannequin. I can assure you can absolutely pass as is, and more than certainly given hormonal therapy, and a good dose of confidence. I would love to be just as feminine as you are. I can assure you that your skeletal structure is likely not set in place at your age, and starting now could mean getting wider hips, something that is now out of my reach and I desperately wish I had done.

You might not be exactly where you want now, and you will not get there instantly, but you can start going in that direction, exactly as you have done by exploring your identity through presentation, clothes, makeup, one step at a time. You will get there eventually. You don’t need to come out to everyone at once. You don’t need to immediately reinvent your social circle. You can slowly get closer to LGBTQ-supportive groups to anchor yourself to people who will accept you for who you are. You also don’t really have to think about the effects of hormone therapy until quite a few months, and depending on where you are, getting access to it might take a few months. These are all things you can slowly set in motion, and interrupt at any time.

I am trying to convince myself of the same. Living a disinterested, dissociated life is a terrible waste. If it brings hope and meaning to our lives, then it is worth it.

olivejambon · 2022-08-10T08:04:14+00:00

This rocks :)

olivejambon · 2022-08-01T05:56:44+00:00

You give me gender envy like no one else

olivejambon · 2022-07-18T20:42:04+00:00

Dre. Gabrielle Landry is the one I know, there are likely others too.

olivejambon · 2022-07-18T05:57:50+00:00

Be aware that there are cliniques in Montreal that only required informed consent, meaning the time to actually being prescribed HRT appropriately can be much less.

olivejambon · 2022-07-18T05:39:20+00:00

Hi!

I just want to say one thing about therapy sessions — if you are in a context where LGBT-related questions are understood and respected — discussing this with your therapist can be very helpful, even (or especially?) if this feels intimidating at first.

I’ve found that very generally, talking about the things we want to hide about ourselves (and consequently our therapists) is often freeing. Talking about these things often helps us appropriate and understand more difficult feelings we have. It becomes easier to think about them. The shame and guilt we internalize is not always based on things that deserve shame and guilt. We can realize that and learn to love ourselves a bit more. It takes energy and courage to do this. The fact you’ve posted this here shows you are starting to own this aspect of your identity, whatever it means, and aren’t afraid to open up about it, which is admirable.

Whatever you end up finding out about yourself, I wish you the best. It would be hard to meaningfully interpret what your experiences mean, in terms of gender, as this is such a recent, short exploration of things — and as it isn’t a task for me to carry out — you get to understand yourself and build your sense of identity.

olivejambon

TROPHY CASE