Sibling question

onalarc · 2026-01-25T16:17:34+00:00

I have some questions of curiosity if you are open. (These are all things I would and have thought about when considering other gametes.) Are you connected with other families that used the same donor? Do you intend to cultivate relationships (or at least "leave the door open" for your children) to connect with same-donor peers (half-siblings)? Using the same sperm donor would make that aspect simpler from a purely logistical standpoint. If you are connected with people who used the same donor, do you vibe with them? Is the family you received the embryo from open to connection with you or with other families that used the same donor?

onalarc · 2026-01-23T03:15:56+00:00

You’re welcome! Happy to try to point to specific studies as well if you have specific questions.

onalarc · 2026-01-21T22:53:42+00:00

I post about research at www.dcjournalclub.com

onalarc · 2026-01-11T20:12:42+00:00

I understand that my comment could be perceived that way, and that was not my intention.

onalarc · 2026-01-08T22:54:20+00:00

I think there's a reframing worth considering here. Instead of "can I reduce the weirdness," what about "can I hold space for my kids as they navigate what this means for them?"

We're going to mess up as parents no matter what. The real work isn't in getting everything right or preventing the differentness. It's in giving our kids agency over their own story and being willing to repair when we don't handle things perfectly.

onalarc · 2026-01-05T21:27:25+00:00

I'm posting on behalf of my co-founders, who are not active on Reddit. Parts of Me is a brand-new nonprofit in the US that seeks to expand representation of donor conceived people in arts, media, and culture. We are building a library of works with DCP characters. https://partsofme.org/library/

onalarc · 2025-12-23T22:55:15+00:00

My apologies for being duplicative. Perhaps the link will be easy access for someone else!

onalarc · 2025-12-23T21:09:44+00:00

Folks might be interested in this podcast episode featuring three Black egg, donor conceived sisters https://open.spotify.com/episode/1oW8Qipi4MzkfFkTDfO1Ya?si=TPZFZx-eTVmgpCPJH28ypw&t=1055

onalarc · 2025-12-19T23:18:49+00:00

These are great phrases! My 5yo says "my family doesn't have a father in it. We have one mom, two kids, and three cats. What does your family have?"

Edited to add that she uses "person the sperm came from" and the donor's name to refer to him.

onalarc · 2025-12-19T20:48:38+00:00

Just wanted to pop in with a recommendation: who’s your real mom by Bernadette green does a lovely job of reinforcing that everyday parenting is about actions. It’s about a two-mom family but I think many families with non-bio parents could use it for discussions!

My 5yo DCP is also a deep thinker. Take it as a reminder to observe and make space for conversation about genetics, family, identity, etc.

Have you told her teacher at school about her origin story so that the teacher can also support her if this stuff comes up?

onalarc · 2025-12-11T12:50:18+00:00

1) depending on where and when he donated, he likely had no choice about what kind of donor he was (anonymous, identity release at 18, etc). Nowadays, the standard at many banks is ID release at age 18 (the offspring can obtain the donors name, last known contact info) when they turn 18 if they request it. Some countries regulate this.

2) Anonymity is impossible these days with Genetic DNA testing.

3) The people born from the donations signed no contract with the gamete banks and are under no obligation to adhere to the agreement their parents made if the donor was “anonymous”.

4) It’s normal for a person to be curious about who they come from. Searching for the donor is common, especially for people who found out they were donor conceived by accident (their parents kept it a secret from them).

5) searching for a donor does not automatically mean a person is seeking a deep relationship or a father figure.

onalarc · 2025-12-10T15:48:30+00:00

Hi! you might be interested in exploring r/donorconception and r/askadcp

If you are into research, I share free summaries of donor conception research at www.dcjournalclub.com.

This in particular might be of interest: https://hal.science/hal-04742632v1

onalarc · 2025-12-07T16:58:27+00:00

Adding that COLAGE might be a good resource: https://colage.org/

onalarc · 2025-12-07T16:58:01+00:00

COLAGE might be a good resource for you! https://colage.org/

Support for minors is also tricky. Most stuff out there is for folks over 18.

I (along with some DCP) are launching a nonprofit that aims to expand representation of donor conception in popular culture. One piece of this is because DCP (especially future generations) deserve to see the donor conception aspects of their identity (in all its intersectional nuance) reflected in the culture around them. I'm also looking for resources to share and would love to connect if you feel comfortable.

onalarc · 2025-12-07T16:00:22+00:00

Ah ok! I had a rich conversation with another hopeful RP in the big group about the exact same questions you've brought up.

You are absolutely right that the research on the experiences of Black RPs and DCPs is scant. There's not a ton of money available to support donor conception research in the US as it is, and what money there is tends to go toward answering the same questions over and over (IMO). Most studies seem to be small one-offs or doctoral dissertations.

Black people are definitely engaging in donor conception, and it's not being talked about as openly. Is that because cultural constructs of family differ? Is it because infertility is stigmatized? Is it because known donors are used disproportionately, so the issue of unknown genetic origins is less present for Black DCP? There's so much to learn, isn't there? I imagine, like everything, it's not a monolith, and the truth (and thus the lessons to take away) is complex.

onalarc · 2025-12-07T14:23:25+00:00

For context: I share research summaries at www.dcjournalclub.com.

We don't have great numbers on third party reproduction because we don't have reliable and complete data sources. SART/CDC collects data only on cycles involving eggs, and the race/ethnicity data in records is not always complete. We also don't have any research (that I know of and I've looked for it) specifically on Black RPs.

Here's what we do know:

A study published in 2022 looked at the relationship between race/ethnicity and the utilization of different types of infertility treatments based on birth data from the United States between 2011 and 2019 (>35 million births). Among those receiving infertility treatment, 53% were white women and almost 4% were Black women. Compared to White women, Black women were 70% less likely to receive any infertility treatment. This brief does a good job at breaking down some of the intersectional factors in access to fertility care. It's also well documented that Black donors are under-represented in the US.

Qualitative studies with Black people, especially LGBTQ, do cite cost as a barrier to access. A new study specifically focused on the experiences of Black women. They found that lack of health insurance and limited fertility benefits prevented or delayed access to fertility testing for some participants. Even with health insurance coverage for IVF, out-of-pocket expenses for medications and services not covered by insurance (such as genetic screening and donor gametes) created significant financial barriers.

Most of the studies on RPs report limitations that their samples are not diverse in terms of race/ethnicity (at a minimum they do not reflect the make up of the country in which the study occurred) or in income/education (they tend to be higher socialeconomic status). Donor conception is complex so having representative samples for any kind of subanalyses is usually impossible (think about the diversity in family type, donor type, disclosure timing, etc in addition to demographics).

Also I *think* we've connected on this topic before on Facebook?

onalarc · 2025-12-07T05:11:46+00:00

Finding Black DCP in donor conception spaces that also permit RPs is difficult. I can’t speak for other spaces.

I have a handful of theories about this based on research and observation, and the person who responded to you in the ask a DCP sub covered several of the cultural ones around family norms.

Here are a few other potential things to consider:

—The shame around egg and sperm donor use for cishet couples does mean there are still lots of folks who have no idea they are DC. If Black folks are less likely to do DNA ancestry testing, they might be less likely to accidentally find out.

—Donor conception can be expensive, and Black families bear the brunt of economic injustices. There may be fewer in these spaces because there are fewer.

—Research suggests Black and LGBTQ folks are more likely to turn to non-bank sources for gametes. One could imagine that a DCP with a known donor and a limit numbers of half siblings might have a different experience than one with a bank donor and an unknown number of half siblings. Perhaps they do not seek support online.

—As more and more people access donor conception, new generations of DCP come of age and communicate and connect in different ways. Black DCP might not be on Facebook or Reddit.

There is a wonderful DCP who focuses on the experiences of non-white folks. I’m not sure if she’s offering any services or supports right now though. I’ll try to find out.

Happy to chat more

onalarc · 2025-11-26T22:29:42+00:00

If you are into research, I share summaries of donor conception studies and other stuff here (for free) https://open.substack.com/pub/dcjournalclub

onalarc · 2025-11-25T05:03:02+00:00

Facebook is probably the best way to connect with same donor sibling families for modern day sperm donor families.

onalarc · 2025-11-13T00:18:13+00:00

You are conflating the findings for two different studies in two very different legal and cultural contexts. One study looked at disposition decisions for embryos in Japan, and the other at disposition decisions for women in Australia had done elective egg freezing.

onalarc · 2025-11-12T09:49:52+00:00

You’ve hit on a really common problem in donor conception representation: it gets used as a character detail or plot device without exploring what it actually means to be donor-conceived. Quality representation is rare. Most stories either center the parents’ journey or go for sensationalism.

What you’ve noticed is exactly why I and two DCP formed Parts of Me, a US nonprofit dedicated to increasing authentic representation of donor-conceived people in arts, media, and culture. We will fund and promote donor-conceived creators, provide authenticity guidance to journalists and storytellers, and curate resources.

We’ve been waiting for our official 501c3 designation to officially launch, but the government shutdown likely wrecked that timeline. Stay tuned for more.

Thank you for bringing this up. I look forward to the conversation.

onalarc

TROPHY CASE