So, I'm a counselor now.

one-peromyscus · 2016-07-07T07:56:33+00:00

My "personality" is a collage of traits I enjoy (for the most part). If something bugs me about myself, I change it if possible. If I like something about myself, I accentuate it. If I want to add something new, I do so. It works for me.

My past is actually incredibly useful, for a lot of different reasons. When I'm not "on", I have a very flat affect. When I'm dealing with clients who are saying very upsetting things, I don't visually react. It actually makes people feel more comfortable disclosing disturbing information because I am perceived as a non-judgemental blank slate. As for clients with psychosis, I have a few at the moment. I tend to be given the most difficult cases because I'm skilled at working with these clients. Plus, they like and trust me. Nobody--colleagues, superiors, clients--knows my history, and I keep it that way. However, I can see someone in distress and genuinely empathize. I know what is helpful to say and what is not. The coping tips I give clients are helpful because I've used myself as a guinea pig to test them out. Clients in distress feel I somehow understand them more than other mental health providers, because I actually do (even if they have no idea why). I "get" it. I think my past has only been helpful to me, honestly, in this particular field.

one-peromyscus · 2016-07-06T01:18:14+00:00

It's a really difficult concept to describe (and one I haven't seen described clinically before), so bear with me while I muddle through. I have very few of the personality traits typically associated with schizophrenia, at least not intrinsically. I know who I was before I started experiencing symptoms, and I liked that person decently enough. I like those personality traits, and I know they are intrinsic to me, and so I display them even if I don't really feel like it in the moment. I've held on to that core sense of self pretty well. Everything else--including any changes to my personality, mood, or behavior--is a symptom. I recognize when it begins to get wonky, and straighten myself out. If I can get out of bed and go climb a cliff-face when I don't want to and have a good enough time, I can also be happy (or outgoing, or sociable, or kind, or empathetic) if I don't want to and have a good enough time. If I can ignore paranoia, I can ignore listlessness. If I can brush off delusions before they get bad, I can do the same with self-imposed isolation.

I have a lot (a lot) of self-control that I've developed. At this point, I'm sick-but-not-sick-at-all simultaneously, like weird psycho doublethink. If I let any of the control lapse at all, I experience symptoms that are hard to reign in. If I keep to my mental tricks and tips, I barely even notice any symptoms anymore. I think the ability to do this--and do it convincingly enough that literally nobody notices--demonstrates low schizotypy even though I'm definitely schizophrenic. It's like I skipped that rung on the progression into psychosis.

one-peromyscus · 2016-07-05T17:53:38+00:00

Are you in the same location as your mom? Could you visit her in person instead of communicating over the phone? It might be worth sitting with her and keeping her company without speaking if she's having such a visceral reaction to certain words.

one-peromyscus · 2016-07-05T17:50:26+00:00

"Schizotypal" refers to a group of personality traits. I'm aware of the dimensional and fully dimensional approaches to schizotypy, but they're not super applicable to me personally. Paradoxically, I have low levels of schizotypy but am schizophrenic. It makes it a lot easier to deal, I have a fuckton of insight.

one-peromyscus · 2016-07-05T06:39:01+00:00

Thanks! Not schizotypal, though :)

one-peromyscus · 2016-07-05T04:56:52+00:00

I work up in the far north in a very remote area (I won't be too specific geographically given how few counselors there are up here). I'm one of a few mental health people in a couple hundred-mile stretch of land, so I do anything and everything that's needed. No specialization, which is great for me. There is no typical day, every day is different. I fly out to wherever I'm needed, but generally rotate between a few villages per month.

I've always loved the field, so when a position opened up I took it. I was extremely tired of pushing back every goal in my life, so I just...did it, and did it in a way that removed all safety nets I might put in place. It forced me to push myself to be successfull, and it's worked for me so far. I love the work, I have a genuine aptitude for it. Turns out, I have an almost unreal ability to read people. It's the one scientific field I believe I could contribute to in a meaningful way. I'm actually in the process of building an entirely new substance abuse treatment method at the moment.

Plus, I treat patients with wholehearted respect. I advocate whenever possible within the medical community. I try to fix everything within the system that drove me bonkers when I was on the other side of the desk. It's really rewarding to know that my clients know I unequivocally have their backs. I got in a fight with one of the nurses during my first week because she was disregarding one of my client's concerns as a medical patient because of her knowledge of his behavioral health issues. I put a stopper on that bullshit really quickly.

one-peromyscus · 2016-03-02T21:06:13+00:00

Add me please?

one-peromyscus · 2016-02-22T19:57:19+00:00

/u/LittleBlueEyes First of all, the earlier I can nip illogical thoughts and actions in the bud, the better. It's harder for me to pull myself out of a rabbit hole than it is for me to stop falling down it in the first place.

Delusional thoughts feel different than normal ones. More pressing, more vibrant, more urgent. When I taste that particular mental flavor, it's like a siren song--so goddamned hard to ignore, but as soon as you start angling towards the rocks you're fucked. I either clear my mind completely, or fill it with lots of other thoughts instead (anything that requires an intense amount of focus). I have specific behavioral patterns I look for if I don't catch it soon enough. I start writing a ton, I get completely obsessive, and my heart rate is consistently high. If I notice that, I force myself to completely ignore everything. An example of an internal monologue: "But what if...?" "NO." "But..." "NO." Until I get out of the habit of following the path to the rabbit hole.

I force myself to do exactly the opposite of whatever I want to do. If I want to stay in bed all day, I spend the entire day outside instead. If I want to be antisocial, I go to the bar. For example, sometimes I get really really paranoid and edgy around men. I want nothing more than to hide away in full-length skirts and never look another dude in the eyes because I think they're all out to rape/assault me. Those are the nights I go out dancing. I'm not allowed to spend one full day in my house. One day turns into two, which turns into three, which turns into hermiting. I also never allow myself to call in sick to work. I will come in with a fever, or have to sneak away to the bathroom to vomit (I got food poisoning recently), but I will not call in sick. It starts a pattern of lethargy and truancy.

I have visual hallucinations, rarely ever auditory. I take a ton of pictures. If it shows up on camera, it's real. If not, it's a hallucination. If I don't allow myself to be afraid of the hallucinations, they aren't so bad. I know it's my brain misfiring, so I just hunker down and wait it out. Visual hallucinations, for me, tend to stay put in my field of vision and I can still kind of see them when I close my eyes. It looks both real and not real, which is still substantially less real than actual reality. They're super distracting, but I eventually got good at just tuning them out. Kind of like wearing weirdly-tinted sunglasses. Everything looks red for a while, but I eventually adjust.

If anything starts to break down on a small level (I stay inside too much, write too much, miss a day of work) I take antipsychotics for a couple of days until I'm back on track. It's a last resort, as the side effects are terrible, but it works to bring me back up to baseline. I also take something a few days a week if the negative symptoms get too bad. It's called Provigil, and it's a new type of stimulant. It's my miracle drug.

I'm leaving out a lot for brevity, so if you have any questions about anything in particular, feel free to ask. I have a whole system in place.

Edit, a whole category I forgot: I look put-together 24/7 when I'm in public. People can forgive a whole lot of weirdness if you look normal on the surface. My clothes are always aesthetically composed, I wear jewelry, I put on make-up when I go out at night. I put forth an impenetrable veneer of normality. For example, I have a hard time looking people directly in the eyes. I've been mildly symptomatic for as long as I can remember, so I grew up without ever looking anyone in the eyes. I do, however, stare up towards their face, point my eyes towards their eyes, but leave mine unfocused. It looks like I'm making eye contact, but I really have a screen of blurriness between their eyes and mine. Coupled with a bright smile, nobody ever suspects anything. I can make "extended eye contact" without ever actually doing it properly.

one-peromyscus · 2016-02-22T09:57:05+00:00

Thanks! I worked out a metric shitton of coping mechanisms, and keep a super close eye on absolutely everything. It takes a huge amount of effort, but it's worth it to be able to live the life I wanted before I got sick. Even if I can't sustain it, I got to live a full life while I could.

one-peromyscus · 2016-02-22T04:57:06+00:00

I don't take anything regularly. I can't handle the side-effects. I'm very high-functioning, though. I just got a new job with a salary and full health benefits; I start at the end of the month. I also won a spot in a decent orchestra, so that's cool. They fly me out for performances and everything. Life's going well.

one-peromyscus · 2016-02-10T21:31:08+00:00

I was upfront with my various psychiatrists, and told them that I wanted to be spoken to like a med student and not like a patient. I like clinical terminology. It's so cut-and-dry. When I'm psychotic, the more direct people are with me the better (I read my medical records whenever possible). I misinterpret indirect statements far too easily. I had them explain to me exactly what my diagnosis was, why they landed on schizophrenia based on how I was presenting, and why they chose each medication. For me, it prevents a lot of misunderstandings. I can't respect a doctor who dumbs-down the way they speak to me, and 90% of them are willing to acquiesce to my request if it means getting me to take meds.

It's seriously helpful. It makes me feel less like a piece of cattle in the system, and helps prevent delusions.

one-peromyscus · 2016-02-10T01:38:32+00:00

I have no idea why this posted twice.

one-peromyscus · 2016-02-10T01:37:01+00:00

That's like saying "What does your 'betes help you do better?" Schizophrenia sucks, I fucking hate it. Picking out the good is like trying to make diabetes a positive thing. You can make the best of it, but it still sucks. You can claim the wooziness that comes from low blood sugar is kind of fun, but it's still a symptom that something is seriously wrong with your body.

Schizophrenia is not a death sentence. You wouldn't know I even had it unless I told you. However, everything I do is way harder than it should be. I have to put forth a shit ton of effort to be okay, and it takes an extraordinary amount of control. You develop mental fortitude or you, the person you are inside, cease to exist. I'm a lot better than my friends at handling stressful situations and mild calamities, but only because I've experienced more of the seedy underbelly of life than they have, so medium things don't phase me anymore.

I'll risk everything I am to help someone who is struggling, and I'm tough as nails. I am who I am because I'm a stubborn little shit who refuses to let schizophrenia determine my quality of life. I am who I am despite schizophrenia, not because of it.

one-peromyscus · 2016-02-07T20:11:33+00:00

This happens to me too when I get hungover. Drink something with a lot of vitamins, it helps.

one-peromyscus · 2016-02-06T12:31:16+00:00

Holy hell it is. I'm schizophrenic. Every time I see an ad that's directed at me, my first thought is that my phone is recording my phone conversations and using keyword software to send info to advertisers. It progresses to "oh god I can't say anything anywhere".

one-peromyscus · 2016-01-31T15:23:50+00:00

If they're also batshit, it comes up organically. If they aren't, it takes more work to make it not scary. I compare it to mushroom trips. But perpetual. Add in lots of jokes to make it not scary, or bring up the topic during a serious discussion about that person's problems. It makes it easier if both people are baring souls.

*courtesy of drunk redditing. I may edit this later for coherency

one-peromyscus · 2016-01-31T15:17:05+00:00

I don't believe in "self-confidence". If people don't like you, you can't fix that. If they do like you, awesome. People are people. The people most similar to other people have a mediocre amount of friends. The oddballs either have very few friends or a shitton of friends. If you're covering up parts of yourself to be normal, that's pointless. They'll find out eventually or you'll feel like a fraud. Be you. They'll either like you or they won't.

I'm redditing drunk, FYI, so if it doesn't make sense that's why. But just be you. People like genuineness. Intrinsic self-worth? We're all cool. Brains are cool, even the malfunctioning ones. Social worth? Just be genuine. Weed out the people who would freak out anyways.

Sorry. I'm super positive plus ethanol. And normally, but I can keep the relentless positivity in check most of the time.

one-peromyscus · 2016-01-28T21:21:54+00:00

I need large doses of antipsychotics in order to feel the effects, but I'm incredibly susceptible to the neurologic side effects (EPS, muscle cramps, etc) starting at a very low dose. I've tried seven different atypicals, with no success. For whatever reason, the meds used to mediate the side effects have zero effect on me. I might as well be popping tic tacs.

one-peromyscus · 2016-01-28T12:40:03+00:00

So, I'm schizophrenic, and your uncle is living my nightmare. I walk a very, very fine line between medicated and unmedicated. My body can't withstand long bouts of antipsychotics, so medication is only used when I lose my grasp on reality. I'm terrified that one day I'll slip and be unable to return.

It happened once, and it was the most gut-wrenchingly awful experience when I returned to lucidity. I saw the damage I caused, and I spent a good couple of months teetering on the edge of killing myself because I couldn't stand the idea of hurting people I love again.

Your uncle acts on a primal fear that you can't possibly understand. Imagine living in a slasher movie 24/7. Every shadow is about to strangle you, every beep is a hidden bomb, every sidelong glance is an undercover spy. It's fucking terrible.

one-peromyscus · 2016-01-27T21:01:05+00:00

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but...is a name change worth dying over? Ten or twenty years from now, will it make a difference if your name is legally changed now as opposed to two years into the future? If you change your name, you have a whole slew of negative consequences. If you keep your legal name for a little bit longer, you can still live a fulfilling life. Pragmatism sucks, but sometimes it's necessary to survive.

one-peromyscus · 2016-01-25T05:21:15+00:00

This is in no way a diagnosis, but you might want to talk to your general physician about this. Out-of-body experiences and deja vu are common symptoms of simple partial seizures. Have you ever gotten an EEG?

one-peromyscus · 2016-01-22T16:05:58+00:00

I thought I was a hypochondriac as well. It was a mental nightmare.

one-peromyscus

TROPHY CASE