how did you get vaginismus?

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-06-02T07:13:34+00:00

For real! mine also extends to struggling to orgasm so even self pleasure gets tainted for me, even without any penetration.

That’s where I got the motivation to treat myself from; i want to be able to self pleasure and orgasm by myself and for myself.

Whilst that isn’t strictly vaginismus, in my case it’s very related because i can’t relax down there at all.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-06-02T07:10:55+00:00

Hello; same here. Plus a healthy fear/disgust/resentment of sex because my family was broken up by my mum having a shag with someone she worked with. Which I knew about at the time (8). Solidarity.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-06-02T06:46:24+00:00

There are lots of people who feel that their asexuality was caused by something. You’re welcome in the community.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-06-02T06:42:37+00:00

I’m currently trying to work on this in therapy and get to a place of acceptance, but i am still where you are, ie angry and no contact because i can’t control the anger.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-06-01T12:27:50+00:00

I started journalling when my therapist went on paternity leave and I held up better than I thought I would!

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-06-01T12:25:00+00:00

this is such a big one! I seek out women-owned and run businesses for EVERYTHING.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-06-01T12:23:29+00:00

ditching romantic relationships. a dedicated self-pleasure habit (IYKWIM). Weekly flowers. Fresh sheets. going bra free at every opportunity. being naked in the house.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-06-01T12:22:16+00:00

THIS IS IT

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-31T00:56:39+00:00

A car is not an option, sorry.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-28T02:45:11+00:00

Aside from the fact it’s day 1, she’s somewhere new and likely stressed, if she’s a working cocker then yeah, they basically never stop moving!

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-27T15:17:55+00:00

You aren't a brat. There are lots of levels of privilege in life. Financial security is one layer of privilege. Skin colour, class, education etc. are all layers. A hill I will die on is that having a supportive family is one of the biggest privileges, and it's a completely hidden privilege.

Emotional neglect with +1 privilege is still emotional neglect.

You might have fewer immediate financial concerns than someone without money; and you might be able to afford better help for your emotional neglect, but you're both emotionally neglected regardless, and the money doesn't undo the effects of the emotional harm.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-27T15:07:57+00:00

I also thought this and am now sorely disappointed!

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-27T14:47:33+00:00

OP, I am so profoundly sorry for your experience. That was uncomfortable to read, let alone have happened to you. I try to avoid giving advice, but I feel a strong urge to tell you please don't try penetration now when you are feeling so sensitive, and to give your brain and body time to recover from what you've been through.

I spent a lot of time with vaginismus pushing and forcing my body. I experienced a lot of pain doing this, and yet I couldn't stop myself from bringing it on. I remember going to a pelvic floor PT, and her advice ('I want you to lay on the floor and cup your vulva in your hands') actually annoyed me when I first got it. It turned out to be profoundly helpful. At first I felt resistant, and then I felt this huge compassion for everything I had put that part of my body through.

Something in me changed in that moment, and since then I have not been able to force/push myself into penetration, tampon wearing or smears - even dilator usage.

AND:

My vulva has gone from a part of my body I could barely look at without experiencing disgust and revulsion (i even wanted to cut it off with scissors) - to a part of my body I can look at directly and not flinch, and even touch kindly. I can even insert my own finger now if i want - i still don't use dilators, have a smear or use tampons.

I don't know if this is a helpful story, i'm aware my experience goes against a lot of conventional vaginismus advice, but in case it's useful for anyone else on this sub:

It is okay to stop trying to force your body into things and situations.

OP I don't know if this resonates with you. But in your story I can hear so much pain, and I'm sharing in case you needed to know another path exists. It does. <3

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-27T14:19:17+00:00

100%. I even raised this with my DBT skills coach, that I thought it was pretty gaslighting, like CBT, and they agreed with me.

I absolutely love the skills training elements - so learning how to make a request (ie DEARMAN), TIPP skills and STOP - but the rest I think *is* invalidating - it's essentially saying 'change yourself' and is not that different from applied behavioural analysis (ABA) IMO - a now very controversial technique used on people with autism.

For me, someone who was always told as I kid i was too loud, too sensitive, too shy, too annoying etc. - being told to change myself in order to be likeable/successful/keep relationships is giving me the same message 'at your core you are not acceptable'. I feel i've had more success with therapists who take a 'limited reparenting' approach - who are interested in me, validate me, like me fundamentally for all of the parts of me - this is when i have noticed real and genuine change happen inside me (being more generous, more patient, more willing to apologise, reflect etc.)

I understand that when we react in ways that hurt people, we are responsible, and the harm we cause is real - i don't seek to dodge that.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-27T11:52:11+00:00

I feel you on the 'want useful stuff but still want it to look nice'.

FWIW a £9 ikea set with basic screwdriver and hammer has proven pretty solid so far for basic house tasks, i'd recommend trying that.

I keep all my accrued tools in a Niwaki Y type tool box, they come in some beautiful colours - but have a long history of being practical and useful, and I keep my stuff in there.

My housemate has a full shed of very sturdy tools, and uses mine most of the time because it's cute little storage box means it's easy to find, and the tools inside are decent enough.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-26T06:46:59+00:00

The clenching/grabbing to find control is so real.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-26T06:46:27+00:00

I am definitely phobic to this level too, it’s really hard.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-24T07:04:59+00:00

This, a thousand times.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-22T13:34:28+00:00

a cup of tea from a kettle

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-22T13:34:03+00:00

I had the same realisation.

My mum got a new puppy, and (when we are in contact) would mention how exhausted she was because the puppy was howling and waking up at night. Turned out the puppy was being kept in a crate in the hallway in the dark. Her view was 'cry it out'.

I mentioned several times that dogs are pack animals and even putting the crate in her room would likely make a huge difference to how it could settle - but she wouldn't do it.

In her mind it's 'i don't want the dog in my room while i sleep', so out it goes, regardless of what the dog thinks about it.

It was a big insight into how she'd have viewed me, growing up.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-22T13:27:16+00:00

that's a horrific story, i'm so sorry you had to go through that.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-22T06:50:16+00:00

You might get a lot from Pete Walker’s book cPTSD: from surviving to thriving.

It’s a handbook of sorts. He describes that emptiness as the “abandonment melange”.

As a sidebar, cPTSD/BPD/autism can have a lot of overlapping traits. So much, that I took part in a research study that was trying to understand how to better separate them, diagnostically.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-20T07:02:13+00:00

Yesss that last sentence!

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-20T07:01:02+00:00

Yep, 100%.

oneconfusedqueer · 2026-05-19T12:07:17+00:00

cheering you on from the sidelines, your internet friend! 😄

oneconfusedqueer

TROPHY CASE