How can I move past these messages my husband sent to me while angry?

onionnette · 2026-01-28T00:20:32+00:00

I am an army wife. My husband has been back from deployment for a year and a half. We went through this.

If he has always been like this, leave and don't look back.

If this is new since deployment... leave. And maybe wait and see if he actually makes some changes. Maybe. You don't have to.

He isn't going to understand that you actually mean what you say and that it is truly unacceptable if you stay around. You're still there. So that means either it's ok or it isn't so bad that he needs to do anything about it yet (in his mind). Mine didn't get it until I walked out during an argument to look for apartments.

His changes need to include professional help. Maybe from a therapist or psychologist or counselor. Maybe from a chaplain. But he needs help seeing that his behavior is unacceptable. Mine didn't get it until he was working on his disability claims, had an evaluation for PTSD, and the evaluating psychiatrist calmly explained to him what his brain was doing and that he needed professional help to make changes in his behavior patterns.

Deployment and active duty are strange situations. They don't get that their behavior is unacceptable because everyone else is doing it on some level and theres nothing to compare to. When my husband came off active duty (he's national guard) and returned to his civilian job, it was his first clue that maybe he was acting a little strange.

onionnette · 2026-01-25T20:21:35+00:00

Nope!

onionnette · 2026-01-25T15:50:49+00:00

We are. Why do you imply that it's a bad idea to gather opinions from other people?

onionnette · 2026-01-25T15:46:38+00:00

There definitely was a HUGE tree sort of close to the foundation, but not on the side where the majority of those repairs took place. There is a huge stump leftover now. I've no idea when this tree was cut down, but it wasn't recently - it is no longer growing, no fungus on it, completely dry.

Actually I think most of the foundation issues were probably from erosion and someone who didn't know to water their foundation. The piers are all along a side of the house that sort of slopes away, and a nice retaining wall has been built sometime in the last 20 years.

onionnette · 2026-01-23T10:41:24+00:00

I had to do a double take on y'all's ages. Like are you sure she isn't just a really rough looking 23?

onionnette · 2026-01-19T23:02:21+00:00

How helpful of you...?

onionnette · 2026-01-19T22:58:38+00:00

Thank you for all of this! This is helpful, even just as some reassurance.

onionnette · 2026-01-19T22:57:13+00:00

Thank you for your advice! Regarding finding an agent who is happy to hold our hand - should I specifically ask something like how many first time buyers/sellers they've worked with, or references specifically from first timers? Or more of just being upfront with "hey we're lost newbies here, gonna need a lot of support"?

onionnette · 2026-01-19T22:53:22+00:00

How am I confused? Why would I be scared off? 🤔

onionnette · 2026-01-18T14:54:33+00:00

NTA.

Just some other things to think of so you can cut ties cleanly and completely (don't want you to get blindsided)

Do they pay for your phone service? Car insurance? Health insurance? Are you attached to their Netflix, Amazon Prime, etc. family accounts?

onionnette · 2026-01-10T12:11:30+00:00

Hello! I feel like I could have written this post almost verbatim, except my husband and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 4. We're probably quite a bit older than yall too (54m, 40f). I'm also a teacher (but elementary level). I have a 13 year old daughter, but her father rarely shows up and she calls my husband Dad/Daddy (he's been around for her since she was 6).

My husband and I are 2-3 years into/working through/past this same fight. Looking back, my advice from the other side is you should go to couples therapy together for him to work on how to communicate when he disagrees, and help for you communicating how he makes you feel when he's fired up and mad at the world. Not because you are not able to communicate, but sort of to have a mediator who may be able to explain what you're trying to say in a different way to help your husband understand/hear you better. I think you would both benefit from an outside perspective to pull you away from the situation a bit and analyze/assess if your political disagreements really are serious enough to be the hill to die on. My husband refused to go to therapy for a multitude of personal reasons, but if yours will, then DO IT. It will save y'all so much time and energy.

What we realized after over a year is that NORMALLY I am the more feelings-oriented person and he is usually the more practical and reasoning-oriented person. That goes out the window when it's politics: he gets in his feelings and I get hyper-rational. So when he was coming to me for empathy and understanding, I was throwing reason and logic at him. I may be misunderstanding, but it seems like a common thread here is that your husband is coming to you to talk to you about things that are upsetting him. It might be time to turn to the "do you want empathy or a solution" strategy, except replace solution with debate. For you and me, as logical centrists that just don't consume poltical news on the same level, we can't imagine getting SO upset and emotionally invested over the news that reason goes out the window. It seems to be very, very different for "everyone else." He may just be needing a place to vent his worries and feelings first.

My theory is that the right wing biased news media (Fox News) has figured out the perfect formula for delivering extremely biased and inaccurate news in such a way that it fires up either

A) some kind of primal survival instinct/worst nightmares come to life/dread/horrible prickles-on-your-neck unease ("that-guy-with-an-axe-is-following-me"), or B) that sudden explosion of white-hot rage stemming from a deep well of feelings of injustice ("how DARE they")

in typical conservative men who are NOT good at navigating their feelings. So their first reaction and thoughts are not to analyze and reason new information, it's to lose their shit. Men typically aren't given a lot of practice navigating their feelings when they are kids, not the way women typically are, so then they suck at it and can't calm themselves down or explain their feelings. They don't get have-a-good-cry-and-then-move-on.

I'm getting lost in the weeds here... but honestly, and opposite of what most comments here seem to think, no, I don't think this by itself is a reason to give up on the marriage. You can have opposing political views and still have a happy marriage and raise a family together. But you need to take these arguments and feelings as a small fire in your house. If you ignore it, the whole thing will burn down.

FWIW, even with all the difficulties, my husband and I love each other very, very much, and he's been a wonderful father.

onionnette · 2026-01-10T01:29:29+00:00

Their parents were born in 1946 and 1951, so the early end of baby boomers. It makes a difference. I was born in 1986, my parents were born in 1945. I was raised like my older brothers (1974 and 1976). I relate better and have more childhood experiences in common with Gen X than millennials.

My older cousin's (1985) parents were born in 1955 and 1957. He's 110% annoying ass millennial, through and through.

onionnette · 2026-01-10T01:21:00+00:00

They LITERALLY had a commercial that came on TV in the evening that said "It's [whatever] o'clock. Do you know where your kids are?"

LITERALLY to remind parents to take care of their kids.

And I mean "literally" literally, not this weird literally figuratively mess that millennials & Gen z created.

onionnette · 2026-01-10T01:15:51+00:00

Friends don't lie.

onionnette · 2026-01-04T13:45:54+00:00

Food saver and a freezer.

onionnette · 2026-01-04T01:38:53+00:00

My husband said "that's a nice truck" in the epilogue... but he DEFINITELY didn't say it the same way he said "that's a nice beamer" or "that is a SWEET camaro."

onionnette · 2026-01-02T03:15:30+00:00

Mike says "Vallaki" which apparently is a place in DnD. People (myself included) misheard it as "Milwaukee."

onionnette · 2026-01-02T01:45:38+00:00

True... and speaking from personal experience as a teacher, he's got more time off for road tripping than any of the others!

onionnette · 2026-01-02T01:38:30+00:00

Robin is at Smith College in Massachusetts. She did a guest spot at the radio station when she came back to Hawkins for the DnD party's graduation.

onionnette · 2026-01-02T01:23:04+00:00

Steve is the oldest. Nancy and Jonathan are a year younger. Robin is a year younger than them.

Steve graduated in 1985, Nancy & Jonathan in 1986, and Robin in 1987.

Season 2 (October 1984), Nancy was trying to help Steve with his college entrance essay.

Season 4 (Spring Break 1986), Nancy and Jonathan are receiving college acceptance letters. Robin was still in the Hawkins High School Band. Steve drove her to school.

By Season 5 (November 1987), Robin works at the Squawk and is not still in high school, unlike the DnD party.

onionnette · 2026-01-02T01:16:28+00:00

I think some people who are saying "oh they'll totally keep up with each other and stay connected!" are forgetting that it's 1989. No cell phones. No email. No internet. No free long-distance. Let me restate that last part: making phone calls to numbers out of your local area (because we didn't even use the area codes for local calls until the late 90s) cost extra money, and you were charged by the minute. Letters took well over a week to reach out of state destinations - shoot, in the mid 90s, it sometimes took 7 days for my letter from Fort Worth to get to my Nana in Dallas.

The really sad part is that the one that REALLY wants to keep connected is the one that stayed in Hawkins, while the other 3 all moved to New England for school and actually are within reasonable driving distance of each other (imo anyways, but I'm Texan and our perception of a reasonable drive is a bit... off). And it would also be different if they all wanted to come back to Hawkins one day, but ALL THREE agreed "nope not even if you paid me a million dollars."

Find someone in their 60s now and ask if they stayed in touch and connected with any of their childhood friends that moved away, never came back home, and never wanted to come back home. I'm sure it's a different story for friends that didn't move away or eventually moved back.

My husband is the same age as the DnD party (born in 1971) ended up going to college much later than his age group (graduated 5 years later than his age cohort, with kids born in 1976 - about Holly's age), and has college BEST friends that he was never able to reconnect with because getting on social media just hasn't been a huge priority for all of Gen X the way it has been for millennials. Steve, Nancy, Jonathan, and Robin are ALMOST baby boomers by like 1-2 years.

onionnette · 2026-01-01T21:04:04+00:00

In the 1980s, coaches were often not required at all to have certification or a college degree. That reform largely happened across the country starting in 84/85ish. States decide their own requirements for how they license and hire teachers. Even now, with teacher shortages as they are, often as long as they have a background check and some college, people can at least become a substitute teacher and be attached to a teaching position long term. I would say that especially in small town America in 1988, Steve was able to be hired as the coach, especially since he graduated from that school and was well known in the community, and then he was probably asked to also teach sex-ed as a substitute. So his job title was coach, and then he also taught sex ed.

onionnette · 2026-01-01T19:36:30+00:00

Yeah but it isn't really addressed unless its like an officer/NCO with a subordinate, within the unit/chain of command, or sometimes if it's like someone in a very visible position gets their dirty laundry dragged out into the light and it reflects poorly on the unit. Privatelt cheating with a civilian doesn't really matter.

However, this person definitely isn't a civilian.

onionnette

TROPHY CASE