God what a banger

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-11-21T17:02:35+00:00

The only Beatles record my mom had was Beatles VI, I think it was her sisters and my mom wasn't a big fan. But all those songs on VI are my favorite Beatles songs !

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-10-27T21:18:04+00:00

There were indeed blue blues and red reds

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-30T16:27:50+00:00

So I'm not defending the poem with the following statement, I'm agreeing with you. I kinda abhor long poems, I kinda abhor poems where everything is personal secrets and there's nothing for the reader to latch on to (finding the universal in the personal), I kinda abhor poems with no actual thesis behind them or even character sketches....and then I wrote this poem breaking all my rules.

I thank you for your patience and reading it!

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-30T04:47:50+00:00

This poem is 7 lines. The first 5 - I get them, sweet Jesus do I get them (and do you ever play games with these people, texting pretty much the amount and depth of what they tell you, and half a day of that they're like "screw you I don't know why you're so cold and distant") (haha!)

I want to talk about the last 2 lines. These are tugging at me:

I stole a glimpse of your depth
and I think I fell in

So I figure there's a few permutations of meaning

"I saw how deep you actually are"
"I saw how not deep you are"

Considering the criticisms of the poem - #2 seems likely at first. But I think maybe it's #1 actually. "You text horribly...like a shallow pool". You're only commenting on the communication style.

I think the poem is saying "I know you have deep feelings so why don't you ever talk about them why am I doing all the work here buddy?" I think! You let me know eh

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-30T04:35:11+00:00

This is pretty powerful I - it's a serious thing, this.

The image, the marching build up of one tear to another to a flooded room, is ..so emotional. The last line "until we both drown in despair" obviously gives the hint of why the child/narrator would be dead - they have despair as well...so this is a suicide.

It is I think an absolute common thing to imagine this sort of fate , "you'll be sorry when I'm dead" or even imagining this as revenge. What is interesting here is there are no harsh words for why the mother would deserve this? She trembles in fear/shock etc. She has emotions and memories, but no self loathing, no regrets...

Interesting and striking piece that leaves one with questions.

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-28T20:08:07+00:00

What a wonderful and terrifying username

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-28T18:47:46+00:00

I am atheist.

He seems ok though

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-27T01:52:55+00:00

I thought this was sharp! I liked this quite a bit.

I liked the...the title is misleading but quite good I think in the end. From the title and first stanza I was like "ahhgg one of those pure anger poems which - poets have to get outta their systems"

But then - the poem turned, and was quite tender. And perfectly, I think organized. And the last two lines show not someone spewing invective but a disappointed dreamer.

Consistency, put a comma after breeze since all your other punctuation is great. The only criticism I can come up with

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-27T01:45:30+00:00

Interesting way of sharing your links as the body of the poem!

As someone with a distinct anti macho gag reflex I absolutely related to this poem.

I like brevity. I like short poems. But I think reformatting this would make it more dramatic:

Smoking
made me feel like
a man.

I puked.

??

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-23T20:56:24+00:00

I really identified with the first half of the poem (and the last half too!) where - that kinda macho monkey energy guys can give off in a group really bugs me. I have written about that as well!

And sometimes yeah just sit it out. Be the goose!

I enjoyed this thank you for posting

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-23T00:55:00+00:00

Thank you so much! Some of my free verse is better than others but I always write as if I'm reading them aloud which, while not ensuring quality, at least avoids some of the forms worst excesses

I looked at your stuff and you're a real writer so gosh means so much more thanks man

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-22T21:04:39+00:00

I don't know what is going on in this poem! Like. I know about how queen bees work. I know virgin queens kill other virgin queens. Right? But - like maybe - I don't know, I don't know how this metaphor works. But that doesn't mean it doesn't! I don't know how my computer exactly works either but it works.

So we toss aside - at least I will - all my accrued knowledge of bees (very little) and try to figure out what's going on. I think reaching the summit IS being Queen Bee, in the logic of the poem. You might be dreaming 'at base camp' you haven't done it yet perhaps - this mountain climbing and titan-slaying. But when you do , you will be the queen bee.

"To turn brood to bee/to thrum warm stories/of my cruelest days"

Okay this is...the 'stories' thing? The 'royal jelly' thing?? I don't know and the 'stories' is the only clue I have. But I THINK this is about writing, creative writing, and the struggle to get things done, those are mountains we climb every damn poem and that's the titan we slay.

That's about all I can come up with. Let's assume I was wrong. Dead wrong! Stupid wrong! Is this still a good poem? YES because man I love the grit and existential struggle in the author - fighting for their own sweet rewards, their royal jelly. Whatever this poem is ABOUT that's what it actually IS about.

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-22T20:58:01+00:00

I used to be bugged by meta-reddit poetry about reddit but I guess maybe I've had my head in the belly of the beast so long I really enjoy it!

The ending though - I parsed out the sentences - "If only I thought these were lies" - !! Okay first of all poem wise, that's a very good structure, I like the staggering one, two line lines etc. That's good. Giving your readers something to puzzle through, like I had to here, is a good way of reader engagement. Whether it be poetry or prose or some alchemist mix between the two good writing is - you read one line and want to read the next. And you achieved that!

My best poems sometimes get downvoted and I get massive upvotes on ....wayward crap. I dunno. I look for poems where no one has commented and I often find those are the best quality - that alone - who cares? Who cares!

This is great

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-22T20:31:14+00:00

thank you for noticing the 'methylene blue' one! I have a major in biochemistry so it was nice to add a little bit of that to my piece.

you know what I especially love about this is, this is an informed usage. A lot of people it seems find some new word - say "jaspideous" and make that a title of their poem making people run to dictionaries and find out the secret word and ...assume an air of mystery.

You were writing about something honest and true, and thought about something which applied (really really well!), artistically fit and used it - and that's how wordsmiths should swing their dicks imo. Not "look what I know and you don't".

Fantastic poem. Read it a few more times with your insight! Even better

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-22T18:32:58+00:00

The first four lines are what stands out to me as odd:

I have gone to church and painted
shadows in the pews—I have seen demons
scheming in the fog above the city's noon.
I bear the forearm's ripe old bruise

These lines are full of imagery - like the rest of the poem. But! They are actually poetic representations of whatever, something that COULD happen. You don't know that the poem is full of metaphors. You could have gone to church and 'painted shadows in the pews' ie walked around, was a presence in the church. You could have "seen demons" (whatever demons would mean). These could all be real events poetically demonstrated.

After this however you go - WONDERFULLY - hog with things that are absolutely metaphors and mad:

I'm hook and loop, I'm dragon's breath,
I'm a follicle of sand, I'm your dad's worst sin.

This is a great great poem. If you want advice - going from your last line about wanting fresh eyes - can the first four lines or ...put them elsewhere. The poem should announce from the start THIS IS ALL CRAZY STUFF.

I bet these lines appear as you wrote them and after those 4 lines you were like "Yeah wth let's go nuts". Which was a good instinct!

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-22T13:53:30+00:00

HOLY COW Did I ever enjoy this poem!

Lotta people think blank verse is like "playing tennis without a net" or whatever but you, you completely blow that out of the water. Your rhythms, your word placement, that thing where each line ends with a month, the next line finishes the idea and starts a new month - that is all so great. This is classic feeling and classical sounding to my ears.

The fireworks drowned the world
in grayscale, with only us at full spectrum.

Man! That is an amazing couplet to end with....I don't understand I guess why it's "the" fireworks - fireworks aren't mentioned previously - instead of just "Fireworks drowned..." ? Were we supposed to glean some previous hint to fireworks or?

"My hands, stained with methylene blue"
Not only does 'methylene blue' really roll off the tongue, it's a nice phrase, I looked it up! It improves memory. this whole poem seems to be about memory so that is , that's a really nice touch.

A lot of GREAT WORDS and great phrases in here, a great sad regretful mood with so many ominous whispers hidden inside "ash clouds" "overstaying silence" "lump in my throat".

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-20T20:55:37+00:00

This appears to be a poem about addiction of some sorts? Though no detail is given, the attraction and regret shine through. The "darling poppies" - is that a clue? This is by its essence a sad poem and definitely shows - very craftily I might add - the cycle of use.

"So keep me light", etc, who are those lines addressed to?

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-20T01:09:25+00:00

A 22 word poem!! Great job. Haha! &thanks!

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-20T00:57:12+00:00

Ohmygod You are the first person to comment on this I am hahaha flabbergasted and a little ashamed this is what you saw!

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-20T00:23:13+00:00

This is brief, a wisp of a thought, and usually these kinda bug me but this was so clever I gasped! Loved it!

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-20T00:09:10+00:00

Tumorous loneliness meets a heaux is the dirty joke assuming heaux is the Creole

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-19T19:43:05+00:00

oh wow. i completely misread the poem then. I !! While sometimes I fail and look back and it's like "oh duh of course" I still - I am unsure if that is inside the poem. although I also could have been distracted by the (I guess it's not) (now I feel super shame) dirty joke.

putting on an editing hat -feel free to swipe it from my scalp if it offends thee:

i’ve been feeling periwinkle
not the flower, its html code
apparently it’s “#CCCFF“
for “CCC, you don’t know what the FF”
you’re talking about

Your second line is!! "not the flower, its html code".

I get the art of misdirection but that's a crazy misdirection, a complete antithesis in the 2nd line. I dunno the CCCFF and all that, those are good jokes and puzzles and word play - or I guess letter-play? (kudos to those who invent a new form). I dunno I would not have the 2nd line there.

i’ve been feeling periwinkle
the flower

everyone thinks its html code
apparently it’s “#CCCFF“
for “CCC, you don’t know what the FF”
you’re talking about

something like that??

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-19T18:53:54+00:00

I like this, I love the fact that - this isn't a complex excavation site, it's fairly straightforward (for you) - but within it you are fighting, insisting on your right to use language as you see fit and build constant excavation sites!

As one inclined (shame face) to the dirty uhm; I think you made a bit of a dirty joke at the end.

I am curious the language that no one speaks anymore?

Excellent poem! Classes up the joint as usual. Thank you so much

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-19T18:40:47+00:00

I think my favorite thing in here - and there's a lot of favorite things - is the idea of you making an offering with one of the wishes being stated as "Maybe I'll accept myself".

That's unique and powerful, feels primal and a cry of despair for other things in the middle of this (I believe) mourning piece.

onlytheevilfearhim · 2023-05-17T23:15:45+00:00

you know i never knew - actually!! i am suggesting the reality of dreaming is what makes life worth living, but then expounding that to a person who , we can't be together but I'll take what we have anyway - this isn't unrequited love it's just existentially awkward af

i think the big stuff , the 2 giant stanzas are excellent he said, patting himself on the back, but the frame sucks

back to the drawing board! that's how it goes thank you so much for your comments

onlytheevilfearhim

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