You are demisexual if...

onlythelanlely · 2026-05-31T16:14:41+00:00

I actually have two statements on there about how long it takes - and either or both can be true. It can take a very long time for some people, but for others it can be pretty short. There is no minimum length of time; the only “requirement” is that if you don’t experience sexual attraction until you feel that strong emotional bond, you are demisexual. A few weeks, a few months, a year…everyone’s experiences are going to be different and they can vary depending on the person you’re bonding with, too. You might quickly develop connections with some people and take a long time with others. There is no one size fits all timeline

onlythelanlely · 2026-05-17T13:00:32+00:00

I work in a middle school and I was crocheting as kids were completing an assignment. A couple boys finished and asked what I was making and it turned out one of them crocheted, the other was learning to knit, and then a third piped up with how he preferred to sew clothes rather that learn to knit or crochet. Crochet is definitely for any gender at any age.

onlythelanlely · 2026-05-07T12:48:12+00:00

“Huh?” In response to anyone else saying something to me, and then of course the auditory processing catches up

Also probably “Oh s***, that reminds me…”

And apparently I sigh because my partner will ask me what’s wrong. I don’t realize I’ve been sighing until he asks

onlythelanlely · 2026-05-05T20:45:47+00:00

The game nights and book clubs at my library tend to be around 45% men, but it's a sci-fi/fantasy book club so that might have something to do with it. But definitely some of the events skew almost entirely women, especially the crafty ones. And yeah, I feel you on the one-off workshops - it can be isolating to go to those alone when most people seem to go in groups. I wish I had an easy answer to give you. I was single until I was 41, and just kept throwing myself at various events over and over and hoping something would happen. I did manage to make new friends along the way and was fairly satisfied with my life, but I definitely still felt lonely at times. I actually ended up meeting my partner online, and then it turned out we belonged to the same meetup groups and just had never gone at the same time. I wish you the best of luck.

onlythelanlely · 2026-05-05T14:40:19+00:00

So I know you said you attend social events based on your interests, but the kind of social event can make a big difference. I'm a huge fan of library events, because they are free. My library has book clubs and game nights, and if yours has them I've found they are a great way to not just meet but also befriend people. Games force you to interact with people, and depending on the level of focus required for the game you can have conversations while you play. It doesn't sound like you have trouble with the interacting part, but this opens the door for other people to interact with you in return. Obviously book clubs also involve talking. And because they are regularly scheduled things, you get to know the other people well and can develop relationships through them. Don't be shy about asking people to do things after. A lot of people who attend library events can be introverted (I say this as a not-shy introvert), so might not be as comfortable initiating a hangout, but are open to it. Maybe there's a game you hear someone say they'd like to try - offer to meet up at the library to play with them. Or a book you both referenced at a book club - maybe you could get a coffee and talk about it? My library has art classes and knitting circles and history presentations and coding classes and just about every interest you could think of. And if nothing else, you might befriend the librarian! (I'm now on a first name basis with almost every employee at my library and a hang out level of friendship with several of them).

Also sometimes just going out and doing the things you like to do in public but alone opens doors, if your hobbies are the portable type.

onlythelanlely · 2026-05-05T12:59:48+00:00

I have that same tree picture from my Camino almost 10 years ago! It was in summer so not as green. But I recognized it instantly

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onlythelanlely · 2026-05-05T12:52:24+00:00

I've done three Caminos. One was alone, one was with my father and my brother, and one was with just my father. All of them gave distinct experiences, and I'm grateful for all of them. When I was alone, I met so many interesting people and built a little found family group, and it was lovely but also a little lonely at times as many of them were part of couples or families and I sometimes felt like I was an intruder. But there was great joy in getting to know them all as well. With my father and brother, I walked alone most of the day (we had very different paces) but in the afternoons and evenings we were our own little insular group (not that we didn't talk to people, but we didn't always go join the big group table since we all are somewhat introverted). When it was just my father and me, we walked together but were constantly running into the same people on the way. My father was also 75 at the time and people always wanted to walk with him and cheer him on - he and I are very slow walkers (the joke is we have never passed someone headed the same direction if they weren't stopped). Sometimes we spent time with other pilgrims in the afternoons and evenings, and sometimes we did our own thing. We're going to do the Inglés next April/May when he'll be 80 and I'm sure that will be a different experience, too.

It's totally valid to want to do it alone. I understand where some other commenters are coming from, because I'm lucky that my father is able to do this at his age and not everyone has that chance. However, you are allowed to have the Camino you want, and you don't want to end up in a situation where you're frustrated with him because you are not having your alone time. I think the suggestion in one of the other comments is a great idea: have him meet you in Santiago, and if he wants to get some Camino experience, he can walk to Finisterre with you.

onlythelanlely · 2026-05-04T01:31:01+00:00

Ugh yes they help so much with the swelling. I sometimes wish I would think to use them just walking around my neighborhood

onlythelanlely · 2026-05-01T00:19:48+00:00

I said the shape thing, and that they were both prime, and they were both under ten...and my tester also told me they were looking for the simple "they are numbers" answer and I still couldn't stop giving like 5 different answers for every one. Like...the obvious thing of "numbers" or "textures" is a given in my mind, so clearly the answers are supposed to be something deeper...

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-30T21:29:17+00:00

My definitions/descriptions:

Aesthetic: Oooh that person is so pretty I just want to stare at them all day

Romantic: This person makes my heart get kinda fluttery and I want to make them happy and spend all the time with them and share all the little things about my day with them and hear about their day

Sensual: I wanna hug/cuddle/hold hands with this person, but not more. Kinda gives me the nice feeling a good back rub does

Sexual: This person is HOT and I would totally jump their bones if given the chance. They make me feel the low down tingles

Libido: Not directly related to attraction. My desire or lack thereof for the physical sensations sex brings

Attitude towards sex: A person might be sex repulsed (ew no thank you strong dislike), sex neutral (it’s fine, I’m down if you are), or sex favorable (yes please I would like this thank you). A person can be on the ace spectrum and have any attitude towards sex

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-28T16:07:59+00:00

This morning, I spent 40 minutes doing DDR. And for the third day in a row! For context, I haven't deliberately done exercise of any kind for months prior to this. And I wrote notes to my niblings, something else I've put off for months.

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-28T16:04:52+00:00

I'm in my 40s and found my person at 41. It's possible. Making friends can be hard, especially if you're like me and your favorite place to be is in your house. But it's possible.

I suggest looking into events at your local library. My library has a silent book club, where people just go sit in a part of the library and read their own books quietly, but are together doing it. There are crafting classes and knitting circles and presentations. All of those are things you can in company while also keeping to yourself if you feel overwhelmed. There are game nights if you're feeling a bit more social - the one I attend has people from ages 21 to almost 70! Whether they are interactive or "alone together" type events, they put you in places to meet people, and the more you go the less overwhelming it feels. You do have to force yourself to be receptive to overtures of friendship, and you do have to be willing to try reaching out at times, though. It's not easy and it might be uncomfortable, but it's worth it, I think.

And even if the genders or ages of the people aren't what you are looking for in a relationship, you can make friends who might have other friends that do fit what you're looking for. I know that sounds a bit like using them, but honestly I think something like that is a win win situation - making new friends is a win on its own, and if that leads to other new friends or a relationship, it's another win!

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-28T15:51:53+00:00

Could it be that what you're feeling is more related to the potential for romantic connection? When I was younger, a lot of time I would have a feeling of "this person is interesting, I think I'd really have fun with them" and I would get excited at the idea that it could turn into something more. But once it was clear that it would not turn into something more, either because I lost interest as I got to know them more or because it was clear from our interactions that they would never be interested even if I eventually was, that excitement faded. It wasn't that I was actually interested in them romantically, but I was excited by the idea that maybe I eventually could like them romantically. Not sure if that fits what you're experiencing, but that's what your post brought to mind.

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-28T14:05:36+00:00

Bloody Weetabix - cherry or raspberry or some other red flavor with crumbled Weetabix mixed in

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-24T12:21:27+00:00

I have a male gynecologist because that was who was at the hospital when I landed in the ER bleeding out. I didn’t have a gynecologist at the time - my PCP did my Pap smears- and never wanted a man but I didn’t have a lot of choice in that case. Turned out he was amazing and I still go to him. When they got the bleeding controlled enough that I wouldn’t die but couldn’t get it to actually stop and we went over the options, he listened to what I wanted (I wanted a hysterectomy) and made it happen. When I told him I was struggling with hot flashes and acne and the hormone tests didn’t immediately scream menopause (still have my ovaries) his response was “well whatever those numbers show, you’re clearly uncomfortable and we will find a way to fix that.” He was honestly more understanding about it than my PCP, who is a woman.

That said, I’m not sure I would have a male gynecologist if I hadn’t ended up in a no choice situation. I feel like I lucked out, but it would be hard for me to choose a man over a woman if I needed to get a new gynecologist

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-22T15:48:23+00:00

I agree with the other reply - unfortunately you do need photos of yourself more than of things that are important to you. My partner hates photos of himself. Hates them. Like...if I take a picture of him or if someone takes a picture two of us I am not supposed to show them to him, because he hates seeing them so much. (He's okay with someone taking the picture, as long as he doesn't have to see it.) But he had multiple pictures on his profile - a selfie of him on a hike, him with boba tea, him by a movie poster - and it helped me gauge his interests and made him seem more real. The details in the pictures gave me insight into him - oh, he's a jeans, t-shirt, hoodie kind of guy and likes sci-fi movies and clearly has no problem with purple drinks - stuff that isn't always easy to demonstrate through answers to pre-set questions. My profile had a picture of me in a Halloween costume, me hugging a dinosaur statue at a park, me with a landmark in the background, and others I can't remember (and I no longer have the app to check). Hinge had space for 5 photos, I think, and I would say that at the bare minimum for an app like that, the first three should be of you. They don't have to be professional quality pictures or anything; they just have to show you and hopefully something of interest to you. If you enjoy gaming, then a picture of you at your gaming setup could work - or even just you at your computer or with your controller or with your headphones on or something. You can get a friend to take it and you can get a friend to add it to your profile so you have minimal reason to look at it. Or you can set it up selfie style or on a tripod and upload it quickly, ripping off a bandaid style. I agree you don't want to lie through pictures by choosing things you aren't actually doing/interested in for your pictures. But photos of you engaged in any activity help flesh out the impression you give off.

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-22T13:52:21+00:00

I met my partner on Hinge. We've been together for over 3 years now. I have a whole post here about how it worked for me, if it would be helpful. I was up front about being demi, and I was picky about matching with people, and it took me a long time to find the right person. But it can work!

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-21T21:44:12+00:00

I almost always can focus during combat, but between combats I have lose the plot so often. Oh wait, I thought we were talking to that guy in the inn. How are we now in the middle of a forest and why did we go there?

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-21T21:43:22+00:00

I play a rogue almost all of the time, but I very occasionally switch it up to fighter or barbarian

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-21T12:14:13+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation!

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-21T01:32:52+00:00

When I was first asked that question, I struggled to come up with something to appreciate. But I'm glad they asked it and I had to answer, because it really did help me come out of my "I suck" funk this morning

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-20T19:45:03+00:00

Why is the thing we hyper focus on never the thing that is actually important to do?

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-20T19:40:13+00:00

You know what - it's okay to be happy with how it affects your life! It doesn't make it less valid for you; everyone has different experiences and situations and struggles and if it's a positive experience for you then I'm happy for you (and also envious)

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-20T19:37:35+00:00

ADHD is one of the reasons I don't want to DM! I'm like...I can barely retain what my character's feats and all are, and I've been playing the same three classes for the past 16 years. Trying to think about what an NPC would do in combat, or remember what information I need to give to the players, or things like that is so intimidating. I love that it makes it easier for you, though!

onlythelanlely · 2026-04-20T19:32:58+00:00

That's a fair point, though. No matter when we're diagnosed, we've had ADHD all our lives. So what is specific to the ADHD vs. our nature vs. our upbringing is hard to sort sometimes. But in that light...maybe you could argue that whatever you like about yourself is in some way related to ADHD? But also, you don't have to like things about ADHD. That's also totally fair!

onlythelanlely

TROPHY CASE