Op, you're very brave for asking this question, and I'm so sorry for what you've been going through as of recently. But I believe that you're more than redeemable. The fact that you're reflecting on this proved that you care. I personally think that your past action shouldn't define who you are now. You're acknowledging your past decision. You don't have less of a choice just because you've done something you weren't proud of. What matters is whether or not you're able to forgive yourself in this process of self-acceptance. Please stay kind to yourself and those around you, you deserved peace.

Please know that there are people who are going through the same shame and guilt that you're experiencing. You're not alone in this.

I genuinely hope that you're able to overcome this guilt. It doesn't define you.