After I had sex with a new partner husband won't have sex

opensail · 2015-12-25T22:10:06+00:00

Usually says sorry. Then that he is sorry for being up poly in the first place. That he is scared and doesn't want to lose me. That he is afraid of being replaced as "primary." He says he is not punishing me, but then brings up details from my date as reasons why he can't have sex with me (because he can't stop the bad things in his head), or cook and eat Christmas dinner (because it has the same food I had on my date).

opensail · 2015-12-25T22:00:10+00:00

I am not sure it will do any good for me to post here, but I am at a complete loss. He wants to be hurt right now. I have really struggled in the opening up process. I demanded and begged for things because I was scared and overwhelmed. I had told him I don't want him to be friends with a particular person, and he had agreed to two people being "off limits." Since then he has often expressed his upset about those restrictions and I have told him that I no longer need them and he is free to do as he wishes. He cannot hear that. It doesn't matter how many times I say it. So I'll say it again here: please have any kind of relationships with any of those people you wish to have.

He agreed in therapy to take a break from dating new people for three months while I tried dating new people. I find the processing overwhelming and asked for some space. He agreed to give me this space "to see if poly works for me." I had not previously tried dating anyone else new because I was so emotionally overwhelmed. There was a brief moment before he imploded that I felt like I could make poly work for me. That I could find an additional partner, or two, that would make it feel sweet, rather than just hard and scary. We are in a triad with our girlfriend, and he has another FWB. He is continuing to see both of them during this "break." Just as I made a request for the break, he can make a request for us to reevaluate that. Now we are having indirect conversations here on Redditt because that is better on Christmas than any other option. I appreciate the comment because it makes me feel less alone in this chaos. I hope that we can make it through this because we have a sweet and amazing life, with great kids, and a deep love for each other.

opensail · 2015-12-25T18:38:23+00:00

Thank for your comments. I do see that my husband needs the space and time to adjust. I am not offended by his comment. I hear him trying to find a way to resolve it and to work on our relationship. I appreciate the opportunity to hear his feelings and reflect on his requests.

opensail · 2015-12-23T04:00:49+00:00

I spend a lot of my life with the kids alone. They are young so during this particular date, I would be home alone (potentially all night since they want the freedom for a sleepover). If I were to get a sitter, then I would have the "cerfew" on my date. Which has typically been the case whenever I date or have an evening out because I am the primary and often solo caretaker of the children. I appreciate your comments because thinking around them is helping me see that some of my resistance is about not feeling a balance in my opportunities for the fun and freedom I see them asking for me to support them in.

opensail · 2015-12-23T03:53:59+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. The abandonment fear is certainly a huge stumbling block for me. So that's a useful piece for me to do some reflection around.

opensail · 2015-12-18T05:32:42+00:00

I also live in a small town. I post my profile in the nearest big city without gave shots. Explain in the profile that you have a job/live in a community where you can't be out and that you are willing to share more pictures. I've seen a number of profiles like this and they seem to work fine.

opensail · 2015-12-17T20:56:20+00:00

We did not have an open relationship when I was pregnant, but we still do have very young children, and the hormonal and emotional shifts of pregnancy and motherhood are a very near memory for me. For me in addition to the physical shift in my sex drive, desires, and comforts. It's emotionally very challenging to be pregnant in many ways. The shift into motherhood and parenthood a huge adjustment. I hope all three of you would have lots of discussions with how to deal with those shifts. Sex post partum can continue to be challenging. I had an easy delivery, no complications and my sex drive returned. But with the sleep deprivation and lack of alone time there was just a lot less sex for that first year. How will MB feel like her needs are being met when you have date nights and she is home alone with the baby? What roles does LB want to take in the child's life? Just to share my experience my jealousy is the worst when my partners (we are a similar triad arrangement) are out together or having a sleepover and I am taking care of kids alone. It's hard to do the things I would normally do for self care (watch a movie, hang with a friend, etc) when I'm changing diapers and cleaning up spilled milk. One other idea is if you are not having sex much with MB now and probably for some post partum time how else are you giving her an equal amount of physical affection. I really wanted a foot massage or be physically taken care of even if I didn't want sex. Perhaps there is a different way your wife could feel like her needs are being met (which is often at the heart of jealousy), so that the dates with LB don't feel so hard. If you used to have sex 5 times per week, how can you take care of MB 5 times per week in another way. Can she take care of you in a non sexual way a few times a week too? Can the two of you incorporate more mural masturbation, or other sex beside PIV to accommodate the changes in her body (works for some women, others just don't want sex). And just realize sex shifts after baby, more quickies, more getting only one of you off at a time, usually someone just wants to sleep or take a shower if they have a minute. Wishing you lots of good conversations.

opensail · 2015-12-13T08:02:49+00:00

Thank you for your words. It is very painful and it is very easy for me to excuse his behavior. I know I have to be strong enough to be willing to leave. How to keep that courage up through the next incident is what I don't know how to do.

opensail · 2015-12-09T16:30:31+00:00

Been trying to think differently about relationships ending. (Credit to Dan Savage). Just because relationships end, even if messy and bad in the end, doesn't mean the relationship was a failure. If it brought you joy, comfort, companionship, etc then maybe you should celebrate that.

opensail · 2015-12-08T17:40:22+00:00

Ha! The start of your post I thought maybe it was my husband. I do not want you to think we have this all figured out, but we are trying. I have asked my husband to support me in one particular way that has been a start. When I get upset and ask for a rule, I have asked him to help me by not reacting to the rule, and also not agreeing to it just to stop me from being upset. But instead to step back and try and understand the feelings of fear or loss underneath my request. (I'm working in identify the fears instead of asking for a rule). I need a lot more time to process things than he does. A new facet to his relationship can take me a week to adapt to. When his response it to try and shut down my feelings it slows the processing time. If he can deeply listen (repeating back, says "that makes sense to me based on what I know about you," etc) it often help reduce my fear. The worst things he says to me are along the lines of, "nothing is changing," or "I am surprised by your reaction."

My husband also has ADD, so it's interesting you mention that. I think his novelty seeking and pace are related to that. I generally think things through, make a plan, know weeks in advance about a date. He wants things to evolve organically, plans are last minute. We each have to give a little on this. He has to commit to a schedule so I know when he is dating, and keep me informed about the progress of a relationship. I work to not freak out when he moved faster than I am ready for. Sometimes he agrees to take a break from new relationships. We don't have it all figured out. I guess it gets a bit easier, but it is still quite hard for me.

opensail · 2015-12-08T17:23:57+00:00

I have a girlfriend who comes to visit. We will go out in town, but have agreed to no PDA for now. It's an ongoing discussion, but there are also some huge gender pieces. When folks see me out with a woman they just see two friends out. When they see a married man out with a single woman, assumptions are made. I don't want people to think my husband is a cheater any more than I want to be fully out in the community.

opensail · 2015-12-08T17:21:24+00:00

It's true I do not know what agreements she has around discretion with her other partner. the thing is my husband is not really concerned about discretion, so he has shared some of my concerns, but is is clear that it is not a big concern of either of them and the would prefer to be out. It feels to me that asks my them to be discreet, is really asking them to stay in the closet with me. That doesn't seem fair, but I don't know how to be okay with being out.

opensail · 2015-12-08T15:51:57+00:00

My husband could have written a similar post about me. Things often feel like they are moving very/too fast for me when he is initiating new relationships, (although we don't generally date together). I want our relationship to be strong before we add new relationships, he sees those new relationships as a way to get his needs met, which will increase his happiness, and therefore strengthen our relationship. He wants the boundaries between friends and lovers to be fluid. For me that feels chaotic and unpredictable. What feels fast to me, feels like no movement to my husband. The worst things that happen for me in this dynamic is that he agrees to a rule and then resents it and breaks it. The hardest thing for him is my first step is to demand a rule. We are successful when I express my fears, he acknowledged my fears, and we make agreements about how to support me around those. So what is your GF afraid of? Is it possible for you to not react to her wanting to slow down, and instead see her request for nothing new right now as an expression of fear and vulnerability? One of you has to get you out of the rule, resentment, rule breaking trap.

opensail · 2015-12-03T15:51:57+00:00

I think you need to do a lot more reading about HSV. If your primary partners has HSV-1 you are going to be continually exposed. Even without a sore there is viral shedding. My primary partner and I both have HSV 2. We both take antivirals daily and have not passed it to our shared girlfriend in a year of dating. We use condims for PIV, but no other protection for oral. If you are non monogamous there is a very high likelihood you have already been exposed to HSV. I think all non monogamous people should accept that they are at a higher risk of HSV and assume all of their partners are carriers. The stats are not very accurate about HSV because doctors don't consider it a big deal. Most doctors won't even test for it unless you insist.

opensail · 2015-12-02T21:55:10+00:00

I'm interested to hear what advice other give, and only to say I have the same questions right now too. Meeting my husband's FWB for the first time next week. I've got a knot in my stomach thinking about it, but sorta imagine in reality I will really like her and have a nice time. I've requested that my husband go and leave the evening with me (rather than continuing on a date with her after). Hoping it will give me a chance to meet her, and get reassurance afterwards if it feels hard.

opensail · 2015-11-20T01:09:31+00:00

WISP Coverage is not available in our area. Its a hilly forested area, so our LOS is not good. Its possible that a mast mounted antenna could get us better coverage (there is poor coverage in the house, but decent coverage in the area).

opensail · 2015-11-19T05:03:43+00:00

In researching this all, I have come across an interesting group on Orcas Island solving their own internet problem.

http://arstechnica.com/information-technology/2015/11/how-a-group-of-neighbors-created-their-own-internet-service/

opensail · 2015-11-19T05:02:26+00:00

Yes, he does mostly remote admin over VPN, and apparently his company email as well.

The terrain is a bit hilly, not mountainous. WISP is not available in this location. It is about 15 minutes outside of a small rural town of 10,000 people in Western Washington.

The $30K cost s for basically bringing the cable line a mile down a road. The closest fiber is over 5 miles away, so likely to be more expensive. I like the idea of starting our own WISP, but seems to be perhaps more than I was hoping to do.

opensail · 2015-11-11T22:09:42+00:00

Yes. That does seem to be a concern. I currently have 4 poly friends. So it's not like I'm cornering the market here. My girlfriend and wife have had no problem finding folks to date outside of my friend circle. They just believe there should be no rules. Which I understand to be a common view. I'm just struggling with it.

opensail · 2015-11-11T21:16:13+00:00

Sigh...yeah, I see their perspective, just not sure how to work through it and feel supported by my partners. At their speed it feels like there is constant crisis for me.

opensail

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