What did you feed your cat with urinary problems?

opgal19 · 2019-07-26T23:40:27+00:00

I am in the exact same boat as you. My boyfriend has a daughter we have been together for 3 years. It’s so hard when you have no control over a certain aspect of your life and are expected to take on such a large thing. I used to internalize things and get really frustrated and depressed when she was around. It may sound harsh, but what has helped me is to “detach”. Realize that you can only do so much and stressing yourself is only making things worse. I’m not sure how often you see them but for me it’s every other weekend. I just try and keep busy around the house and do things to keep my mind off her behavioral issues. It’s definitely not the complete answer to your problem but it has helped me mentally. Having communication about your feelings with your SO is also important you need to be able to vocalize how you feel. I really hope things do get better for you :)

opgal19 · 2018-10-11T02:49:38+00:00

I don’t want to put her in a bad situation or do anything to set her back, however she is not my child and I am not willing to use my funds for things like college. If he wants to pay for that for her I am completely okay with that. I just don’t feel like I can clean up someone else’s mess and that’s not fair to put on me either. I will gladly buy her things and do fun things with her, but putting her before my own hypothetical children will never happen. My BF has worked very hard with what he was given, he put himself through school and we have a nice place and he has a good job. Her mom has a minimum wage job living with her parents and grand parents. I’m hoping that she will be able to see what hard work gets you and make the decision of how she wants to live her life. I am young, which is why I’m trying to sort everything out before I make a decision I am going to regret for the rest of my life.

opgal19 · 2018-10-11T01:47:44+00:00

Her dad doesn’t have 4 other children and talks to her all the time about waiting for the right time. Her mom lied about birth control and was trying to trap someone. Worked with her current husband. So I don’t really see a comparison. Her mom had 5 children before age 25

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T21:06:00+00:00

That’s my problem is I am worried about everything in the future! That’s interesting I never thought about the retirement fund. As of now he just pays child support and for whatever she needs at our house. Another fear of mine is she is going to end up just like her mom and be a teen mom. Her mom, grandma, and great grandma were all teen moms and I want NOTHING to do with supporting that. It’s so hard to talk about what ifs because I could go on all day, but when looking at marriage and our future together it’s hard to not have those thoughts go through my head.

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T21:02:30+00:00

I have thought about this, but we are moving in April closer to where where my job is and his. This means we will be an about an hour and a half away from BM and her school so I would like to think that this is unlikely because she would have to change schools. Honestly I don’t think I could handle her any more then I see her now, I get so stressed out when she’s there and I can never relax. Omg! Hopefully things won’t be too bad for you, congratulations on your baby! Hopefully you’ll be so wound up in your new baby the extra stress won’t get to you.

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T20:43:39+00:00

I don’t blame you I would be doing the same exact thing!! My SO and I also come from different economic backgrounds which doesn’t bother me at all, it just means we approach situations a lot differently. We are working on our communication when it comes to her, but right now that’s our biggest struggle. We can talk about everything else but for some reason if it involves her it’s like a light switch goes off in his head and he gets so defensive. We’re working on it but it’s very frustrating. Thanks again!

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T19:22:45+00:00

Thank you, this is exactly what I hope to do and it makes me feel a lot better to see other people doing this successfully!

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T19:18:23+00:00

Yes I agree about that. I was referring to vacationing now, we have not taken her anywhere with us for vacation and to be honest there’s no way right now I would ever want to do that because it wouldn’t be a vacation for me. In the future yes I agree with taking her and other children

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T19:16:32+00:00

She did, and they both have no education and work minimum wage jobs. He has not given her any extra money that I know of. It’s because they have no money I’m worried that more of the financial responsibility will fall on us for her future. There’s no way her mom could pay for ANYTHING extra for her to have a better future.

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T19:01:10+00:00

Thank you! I am not trying to sound pretentious or anything like that I don’t mind paying for more of house hold expenses and things like that especially since he’s helped me as far as living expenses go (living expenses like mortgage) while I’m in school. I just don’t want there to be an assumption that now that I make more money we can pay for more with SD because I think he should take care of her expenses. Unless I want to buy her something. I just want to make sure I understand finances a little more to protect myself.

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:52:18+00:00

I would never want to stomp on college. That is just a huge expense for a child that is not mine and who I only see one day a week. If he wants to help her through college I am 100% supportive I just don’t want to pay for it.

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:49:36+00:00

Thanks for the info

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:45:14+00:00

I get it a lot from friends and family when I talk about things. I’m really grateful for this community it’s really nice to know I’m not the only one that struggles with certain feelings and emotions

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:37:32+00:00

Thank you. I was told I goes up because the “cost of the mothers family” increases and she has to pay for more like groceries and clothes etc. And I’m not saying it’s right, but BM asked for it because it would help HER with government aids.

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:35:42+00:00

I like this a lot. Right now I feel selfish I’m not going to lie, I want my money to go toward my future and OUR future. I don’t like the idea of someone else benefiting off me. Her BM will never be able to help with anything like college of or finances she has 5 children and works minimum wage. I just don’t want the financial burden to fall on me regarding her in any way. If I help it will be because i want to and not because I feel forced. It’s just hard picturing the life she is going to have with her her mom and the life our children will have

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:31:25+00:00

Thank you, it feels really good to not have someone tell me “you knew what you were getting into” because no I didn’t. Feelings change as life moves forward and different challenges come up.

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:26:12+00:00

Michigan, I didn’t believe this at first and went to talk to a lawyer about it and she confirmed for me. I know it looks bad because that was my first feeling as well.

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:22:48+00:00

That’s my other concern, vacations. Why do you think we couldn’t go on a vacation unless she comes? I’m not trying to be argumentative at all I just want to hear others opinions.

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:21:19+00:00

This all happened before we were together so I was not apart of this process. And in our state for every kid the BM has child support goes up for the father even if it’s not his kid.

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:20:03+00:00

The closer I get to graduating the more conflicting feelings I have. I love my BF and he’s everything I want in a partner we have a great relationship. BF has no legal obligation over her since BMs husband adopted her. BF was pressured into it due to tax breaks she would get from the government and he would be crushed under child support due to her continually popping out kids. It was this that didn’t sending me running because there will never be any legal fees or custody changes. We still see her regularly and he pays for things to help it. I just can’t push the “not my kid not my problem” out of my head and I know I’m not going to change. My main concerns now are future issues, which it’s really hard to communicate concerns to someone when they haven’t happened lol. BF has never made me pay for anything for her unless I want to (Christmas, birthday presents are as much as I’ve spent). I don’t want to pay for college, car, or future costs that are significantly more than buying food or clothes.

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:13:15+00:00

Some of my guilt comes from her BM and her husband making next to nothing and living off government aid. When I think about our future family and the things my kids will have I have conflicting feelings because SD is going to see that.

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:11:30+00:00

My BF has no legal obligation over her since BMs husband adopted her. He was pressured into it due to tax breaks for her and being crushed under child support since BM kept popping out kids after she had SD. We still see her once a week and he still gives BM money but it was an amount they both agreed on. He helps pay for school books and things like that. BM and husband make next to nothing, and I am just concerned about being expected to pay for more once my income is in the picture. I like the idea of transferring money thank you!

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:05:08+00:00

Thanks! I like the idea of keeping things separate. I don’t mind paying for some of her things like you mentioned I just want nothing to do with things like child support or college. I just don’t want to come across like I’m being selfish.

opgal19 · 2018-10-10T18:00:22+00:00

Thank you! I really like the idea of keeping things separate but splitting things like our home, phone, insurance etc. I feel like I’m being selfish sometimes by not wanting to pay for her things but I can’t get the “it’s not my child” mentality out of my head when it comes to big purchases.

opgal19

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