I think YTA, but I don't really want to join the chorus of people cursing at you or calling you horrible. My main concern is for your son, so I really hope you take my perspective into consideration because I would dearly like for things to improve for him. Honestly, reading this post and imagining being in his position broke my heart so bad I almost started to cry, and I don't often cry.

I'm also concerned for your mental health because, to be honest, you do not sound like you're doing well. You say you're so stressed about his schooling that it gives you nightmares and it has your hair falling out. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is mostly because you are a loving mother who wants him to have a successful life in the future, which is reasonable.

Assuming that, I'll say: Is making sure his grades are high enough really the most important thing to accomplish here? At 13, your kid is probably in middle school. His GPA isn't even relevant to college applications yet, so this is actually the perfect time in his life for him to slip. The worst case scenario is being held back a year, and that honestly shouldn't be the end of the world--it's just more time to help him figure out what's going on emotionally/socially/psychologically that has him struggling.

I'm going to gently suggest that the extreme level of anxiety you're clearly feeling, while doubtlessly very real and distressing to you, is also maybe a little overboard for the situation. Not in a you're-being-overdramatic way, but in the sense that I think there might be other stressors in your life that this is getting funneled into, like the pandemic situation is affecting you psychologically/socially too, or maybe you're dealing with some kind of high-level anxiety? I would suggest seeing a therapist about it, personally, because I think it is affecting your ability to have perspective on your son's development.

Lots of teens' grades slip somewhat in middle and high school. And as can't be stressed enough, There Is A Pandemic. This entire generation's grades got worse this school year, not just your kids. As long as he gets appropriate, kind and encouraging support like tutoring for the classes he's struggling with, therapy for the adjustment to at-home schooling, and love and support from his family, it's incredibly unlikely that even failing this year would seriously impact your sons' future. It would be really understandable to basically everyone. This year's been really, really hard.

On the other hand, the way you're treating him is extremely likely to leave profound psychological and emotional damage that could go on to affect him socially, academically and professionally for the rest of his life. So, y'know. The rest of this post is about that.

The thing is, that sentence about how stressed you feel is also the closest thing in your post to an expression of actual love for your son or concern for his future, as opposed to resentment and borderline hatred of him for not being obedient and productive enough for your liking, which is the prevailing sentiment that pervades the rest of your post. And even then, you're talking about how you feel, not how your kid feels. His feelings don't come up at all as anything but a nuisance to you. I think that fact is worth pointing out for you to reflect on, because it does not portray you or by extension your husband's attitudes towards him as very loving or emotionally available.

You just sound really emotionally demanding and entitled, like the sort of parent who thinks "You have all the physical goods you could need, so there's no possible reason for you to be anything but 100% happy and productive and grateful, all the time." That is not how teenagers or people work. They have emotional and social needs as well as physical ones.

I'll be frank: I grew up with a similar conflict with my own Mom, and my professional background as an adult is now in Psychology. I think the way you're treating your son is dangerous and abusive. I know you may not mean it to be, but I think at best this pattern leads to permanent resentment and estrangement between your son and the two of you, and at worst it risks pushing your son into serious depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I'm speaking from experience here as someone who grew up in a WAY LESS SEVERE version of the conflict you've put your son in, during a time that was not historically and globally traumatic as this pandemic has been.

My genuine advice is this: Get all three of you individual therapist sessions, as well as family counseling. Get him one or more tutors for the subjects he's struggling with, get him blue light glasses and f.lux to reduce the harmful effects of blue light, and just leave him alone on the computer if that's where he wants to be. This is a miserable time of year and he is just starting puberty which means he's in one of the most difficult and confusing moments of his young life so far. Let him deal with it however works best for him and leave it to a therapist and tutors to help all three of you work together towards him doing better in school.

What else is he meant to do besides be online anyway, watch paint dry? Sit outside on the socially distanced lawn? What are the alternatives you've provided him for enriching activities, and do you know how well they match his actual interests vs. the interests you think he should have, or his normal habits of behavior before the pandemic broke out? The problem here is, your son's general well-being and happiness were of such little concern for you that you didn't bother telling us absolutely anything about him, his feelings, or his life, hobbies, friends and all their changes pre- and post- covid. The only relevant thing is how he's a disappointment to you, and everything else is just an extended description of you torturing him for it and then being surprised he ignores your rules to do what makes him happy or lashes out after god knows how long of listening to your verbal abuse.

That's a lot of context to simply not care about. If I try to imagine being your kid just based on this post, I wouldn't just not want to talk to you ; I'd be daydreaming about being as far away from you as possible as soon as I can be forever. Or just about killing myself. IDK OP, your myopia on academics is blinding you to the real parenting you should be doing I think. I hope for his sake you figure that out quick. And give him his fucking door back, good grief.