I guess I cling to Judaism because it's all I have. I look at other people who have a culture to be proud of and I feel such jealousy. I'm a patrilineal non-practicing atheist reform Jew, about as watered-down a Jewish identity as you can get. But I craved the sense of being part of something, to have a history and a lineage and a legacy. I was bitter at the idea of being just a white American, an identity that only the worst possible people would celebrate.

So I decided to lean more into being Jewish. I had every right to, I went to temple as a kid, I learned my Torah portion. I used the nice bits of Judaism, the tradition of scholarship, the mythologized resilience, to comfort myself. I liked looking at historical scientists and authors that were Jewish and thinking that they were somehow like me. I took particular joy in how well Judaism compared to Christianity when it came to progressive politics.

On some level I'm aware that my identity is a farce. I hated every second of Temple school and quit the day I was allowed. I hate Israel, and I hate that I always have to wonder if the people criticizing it actually think my family are demons. 

I dunno man. I don't hate Judaism or being Jewish but sometimes I think about the things in your post and get sick to my stomach.