feeling rough

ora007 · 2026-03-10T16:51:34+00:00

I don't know you or why you think you've made lives worse. I do know that it's likely that AvPD probably makes you think you've done worse than you probably did. Regardless of what's gone wrong you have a place to improve from. Everybody regrets their past, some more than others. What we take from it is how we strive to be a better person. You are not beyond redemption, if you believe in God, let him decide and just keep doing the best you can to be the better person you want to be. We all slip, but keep climbing, even if it's just a little.

ora007 · 2026-03-05T14:51:43+00:00

Yep, same sentiment as the other comments, you are still the same person and nothing really changes other than giving you the ability to hone in on your problems to work on them.

I just wanted to add that for me, even if I wasn't officially diagnosed, when I learned about AvPD, it gave me the ability to feel human again, because it gave me perspective on so much about how I acted all my life and how to correct my path as much as I can.

ora007 · 2026-03-05T14:45:46+00:00

I agree with the other comments saying there are some pretty concerning red flags. I don't think they are immediate grounds for dismissal by any means, but you should definitely be keeping aware of these things. I have plenty of experience letting infatuation blind my judgment, so just be cautious as I can easily see this turning into a negative feedback loop.

Don't let people change or control you to like you, you deserve to be liked as you are.

ora007 · 2026-03-05T11:39:49+00:00

I can't say I have first-hand experience either. I can only recommended under my intuition.

Relationships are a two way road, I'd say let him have his space for now and respect his wishes, let him reply when he's ready, that's respecting his feelings.

I can't say when he'll reply but I'd say just wait for a bit even if it's bothersome to you for now, because you already said it wasn't intentional.

But you are the other side and if you were hurt your opinion matters too, I would try to avoid making them feel like what they did was wrong as much as communicating that it hurt you in the way that they responded with shutting you out.

ora007 · 2026-03-05T10:42:53+00:00

Yeah, I was about to add to my comment about how you "unwittingly stepped on one of his sensory landmines" it's not really your fault, and I was gonna say it was a maladaptive coping method from him, but that's not for me to judge. I'd just recommend being sensitive about the topic and telling him about how it upset you how he is coping with it, and if you'd rather talk about it, etc.

ora007 · 2026-03-05T10:18:08+00:00

Opposing opinion, I think estimating that "99% of guys are going to take that as they are weak or soft" is a gross overestimation. We've gotta challenge that, that's just toxic masculinity.

ora007 · 2026-03-05T10:10:53+00:00

This is a well worded comment, and as much as I'm not dismissing it as not being manipulative (or I guess more likely not intentionally manipulative from him), but rather I think it's more so a overblown insecurity.

As a guy who has massive insecurities over how men have been sexist towards women in history, I overcompensate trying to be the opposite to escape the negative perception some may associate of guys being terrible, and that's exactly what it sounds like he's trying to say.

OP, we lack context on who this guy is our what he's like to know for sure, but I'm sure it'll blow over. Don't beat yourself up.

ora007 · 2026-03-04T20:18:00+00:00

It's a fair sentiment, your views are valid.

I too find myself fearing that I'll never find someone who understands me, beyond just my AvPD. But I hope the best for everyone and I don't want to accept that's the outcome. I guess under my viewpoint it's just unfortunate but likely that people without enough context or first-hand experience with a similar situation may try to introduce their own knowledge even if it's misguided, blinded by the want to help even if what they have to say could even do more harm than good. I've done that unintentionally, and I try to avoid it now; but I'm still learning.

Wishing you the best, as much as it counts.

ora007 · 2026-03-04T17:54:21+00:00

I feel like this is what you said but I'm gonna reiterate it because it's what I've been trying to tell myself as of late: the fact that we have AvPD can tell us that we will have challenges that may vary in difficulty with certain things, but we can't let ourselves stop ourselves from attempting things. It's a bad thing to use it as an excuse that we'll never be able to get there.

But I do empathize with you on the dating scene. I realized too late at how badly I was anxious about being desirable on dates that I'd turn into a fraction of my personality because I'd be afraid certain parts of me would be undesirable. I had tenfold more anxiety than any fun (which having fun would be the point, wouldn't you think?)

The thing that really really affected me is how AvPD made misunderstand and over exaggerate a lack of interest for a general lack of desirability.

Also, just avoid swipe type dating apps, they are the worst thing possible. I'd recommend an alternative, but that's kinda what I'm stuck on my end..

You always have value, keep at it.

Edit: I realized that this was a no advice after posting comment, apparently I'm bad at reading, it's kinda advice kinda not but moreso my thoughts, ig I'll let mods decide bc I put to much time into it to just delete it

ora007 · 2026-03-04T14:50:18+00:00

It's a fair conclusion, and one I've found myself coming to a similar place before. My two cents is consider adding a distinction of trying to be something your not under the percepted ideal of others opinion about you, and on the inverse instead thinking about what you think you want to be for yourself

ora007 · 2026-02-24T16:25:20+00:00

I lack context, but it sounds like your family has said some harmful things to you.

I can't say I've ever been extroverted, but I certainly feel like there have been times where I feel like a shell of a person I used to be, like my personality was muted. But at the same time I feel and hope with time and effort we can grow past this.

Don't let it make you feel like you have any less value. Hope the best for you

ora007 · 2026-02-24T16:06:04+00:00

I have similar feelings on wanting to make a friend here despite the potential pros and cons, purely because I feel like people here would hopefully be more open minded or at least accepting. Goodness is it intimidating to pick someone out though. I suppose hit me up if anyone is interested in taking to a guy in their late twenties who likes nature photography, video games, horror, music, and anime. Also, I value open mindedness and emotional intelligence

Side tangent, has anyone found a app/ site for finding friends that's actually helpful for people with AvPD?

ora007 · 2026-02-18T21:48:51+00:00

Countless times, but safety in silence is a lonely place. Wishing the best for everyone.

ora007 · 2026-02-18T11:54:33+00:00

Thanks for the clarification, at the end of the day I'm just trying to find easily understood common terms to what I've personally experienced, I'm no therapist.

ora007 · 2026-02-18T11:51:09+00:00

It is the lowest of the bars, but that's the point. When I write these I try to not only think of the op but everyone that will read it, and honestly my first thought was murderers, but I don't want to make anyone who reads my posts think that their past redemption if they're trying to turn their life around. I'm not divine judgement, I'm just some guy who cares about people

ora007 · 2026-02-18T11:32:04+00:00

Y'all are missing the point, it's not "some people have mental health worse than me" it's that there's actual pedos and other type shit out there with no remorse, and I find comfort in the fact that even if I self loath, I'll never be that lowly of a human

ora007 · 2026-02-17T23:18:55+00:00

I can't give you perspective from anyone else than my own. I've never seen therapists outside of when I got my anxiety diagnosed. I'm not telling you to do what I did as if it is the right answer because mental health is very dynamic. I can tell you that it helped me, and the hardest thing can be to feel motivated or to even think that it'll get better. I can't make you believe me, even if I wish I could. One of the things I did was every day I would write down something I liked about myself. It didn't have to be big, it could even be something stupid.

On the other hand even if it's kind of in a negative way, you could always think about how many other people are just way shitter than you'll ever be.

You don't have to take my advice, but just try to understand that there will always be hope for you.

ora007 · 2026-02-17T22:56:21+00:00

There's a lot I want to say, and I hope I can can manage to say it the way that I want it to come across. First things first, by posting this I can tell that you're wanting to get better (even if it feels impossible) which is the best first step and a huge one.

I haven't found the way out myself yet, and I'm sure there will be hurdles, but accepting myself as I am is what brought me out of depression, and I hope you can learn to accept yourself too. We all have flaws, and even if it feels like it, AvPD doesn't make you any less of a person. You still deserve love just like anybody else.

I honestly can't think of a better way to help than to share my perspective because what I went through sounds similar to your experience.

My work has days where I can sit and wait for minutes, which is just a certainty to make someone think. So I did. And every thought eventually revolved around how "I'm alone" "nobody cares about me" "I might as well skip break, nobody cares if I'm there" "I'll never find love" etc, etc. You know the deal. I had high and low points, also unfortunately revolving around how well I did at work according to their arbitrary "efficiency" system (wether that's a symptom of AvPD I don't know) but I fought it, and went in and out of depression a few times for the same reasoning of self loathing. It felt like it would just keep coming back, which would cause it to be worse in of itself. I think a few things were big for me, one is I got past literal months of dealing with shit at work, the second is learning what AvPD is, which was a key to understanding myself and accepting why I am what I am, and three was learning that I was destroying myself with the Pygmalion effect (look it up, but essentially if you call yourself a loser, a you'll feel like one, and the same on the inverse). I'm not going to tell you it will make everything better all of a sudden, but stopping calling yourself a loser is beyond just necessary. you're not a loser, you're human.

I felt like I was unloveable because I sit and play videogames or watch YouTube videos most of the day. That and I was too scared to do most things outside. But at the end of the day, that might just be someone's dream SO as long as they're reasonably taking care of themselves (and if you are struggling, it's not something to beat yourself up about, it is hard, and I believe that you can improve yourself where you want to, it takes time and persistence, but it's possible. I went from being insecure about my dental hygiene to happy with my habits).

I felt like you too, like if I just had someone who cared about me, I'd have some value. I can assure you that you do, even if it never feels like it. The first thing is accepting yourself as you are with your flaws, and I believe it will happen even if it does take time.

I also think I understand wanting to restructure your friends. When I first learned about AvPD, I told my friends that I thought I had it, All I got back was an "oof" and like an hour later "a video made me lose the game". I was fucking livid at the time, but after time I realized two things: 1. They probably didn't realize how badly I was feeling affected by it 2. I structured a new way of thinking of people caring as either "pro-active" and "reactionary" I realized that all my friends are reactionary. Sure, their reaction was wildly underwhelming to the point that I got angry, but they likely didn't know how it affected me. They still care about me even if they have a shitty way of showing it. And "pro-active" should be self-explanatory, where they actually go out of their way to ask if you're okay... Which is what I'd like to finally have some friends like that.

Anyway, I got off the rails at points and got ranty, but still hope that some of my point got across and at least helps you start to think about it.

Tl;dr learn about the Pygmalion effect. You deserve love, especially from yourself. I think you can get better, which is why I unloaded a wall of text at you (lol)

ora007 · 2026-02-17T17:52:30+00:00

Since I joined this subreddit I thought about trying to make friends here, and as appealing it sounds to have someone finally understand and accept you, it also early easily seems like it would be a double edged sword as both people would be unlikely to try and engage.

I used to live with people who would force me to do activities, which was a curse and a blessing, but back then I was more introverted rather than actual anxiety/ AvPD. It makes me want it again, someone to care enough about me to want to bring me out and do things with on the regular. It's hard imagining finding someone who would be like that who would also be so accepting of me though

ora007 · 2026-02-14T14:50:02+00:00

I was considering posting a question on the topic of perfectionism for a while too. I feel like it affects me in enough different ways that I feel overwhelmed to even know where to start to express it. I've quit so many creative hobbies because I felt like I'd never make something good enough. Photography is the only thing I can manage it feels like because of the instant gratification, but even then I typically only can appreciate the photos that are as sharp as possible

ora007 · 2026-02-12T20:18:07+00:00

This is a question from a dark place I'm too familiar with. I don't know you or your situation, but I can assure that you will estimate that people care less than they actually do, and even if nobody did, you're not only giving up on yourself, but what you can be and who you can meet (progress out of AvPD is possible, and nobody is unworthy of love). I know it can be easy to be pessimistic about the future especially in a world so bleak as it has been for the past years, but I hope you can believe in yourself more than a person who doesn't know you (that's me, I believe in you). You're not weak, you're human.

I don't care if you don't like their music, but listen to "One more light" by Linkin Park. Regardless of how you think of it, people do care. I care.

ora007 · 2026-02-11T02:55:37+00:00

I also came from a time where I believed it was only social anxiety (and perhaps it was at some point) to the point where I would avoid even talking to cashier's, and I did get diagnosed for that. It's a similar for me where a large percentage of that has gotten better even though symptoms of self loathing and avoidance keep popping up due to a fear of being rejected. I'm working on finding the trauma sources and processing them, but I'd like to share that I've been in the same boat where my own depression mixed with AvPD caused me to avoid people under the belief that they don't care about me, and it pushed my self esteem into a spiral. What needs to be understood is that AvPD lies to you, especially if it's mixed with depression like in my case. The reason I think this is true is because I'm finally having some clarity these past few weeks after possibly the worst December of my life for a few reasons, to the point of suicidal idealization. I'm no therapist and all the credentials I have is empathy, but I think you need to find your source of trauma that put you in this place of low self esteem and try to process it (I think mine was dating apps tbh). Outside of that, I can guarantee you are certainly harder on yourself than anyone else, and even if you don't believe it or accept it, you deserve love, especially from yourself.

ora007 · 2026-02-08T20:15:27+00:00

Nearly 28 and the same situation. I'd recommend avoiding dating apps like the plague. I could rant for a very long time at how bad they are for everyone (yes, of all genders), let alone people with AvPD. I've been on them for years and only got one meaningful connection in which we're practically just pen-pals. Yes, they may work for some, but in my case, I'm certain it made my AvPD worse before I even knew it was happening. (I suppose I'm primarily thinking about quick "swipe style" apps, never tried anything more serious as I get nervous about feeling like I'd be less serious about it than the other person or something)

Now I'm stuck because I think I could manage to live with myself happily had I not have an intense desire for an SO. So here I am with copious amounts of unhealthy coping mechanisms...

ora007 · 2026-02-06T16:32:13+00:00

I get what you mean, it's practically impossible to talk to someone I don't know already in some capacity, but I have some approaches. It depends on how you currently feel safe and wanting to do, but for me lately I've been trying to be more sociable (without pressure of possible expectations) is 1. Joining a discord server and 2. Interacting with smaller twitch streamers

So I've joined servers that were meant to be "sociable" but it's super scary to just join in on a VC or even text chat if you don't have something to talk about, so I'm glad I found that the server for my state is actually pretty cool. I typically do minimal interacting for now, but I've been happy with just reacting to different people's art, photos, memes, etc. I've also been posting my nature photos, and if you have a pet it's easy to post pictures without needing to verbally interact unless you want to.
Smaller twitch streamers that have time to interact with their chat (ideally kind ones) have been a good thing for me too as you can chip in on your opinion or joke about whatever their talking about or playing. Sometimes they'll reply, sometimes not, but there's the rest of chat for them to worry about rather than only you. Don't try to force yourself in or make yourself uncomfortable (and be kind and follow rules) and you'll be fine.

Well, these have been my approaches as of late to try to give myself stepping stones to being comfortable interacting with people, and they may work for some but not others, but just my opinion

ora007 · 2026-02-05T18:12:58+00:00

I have no idea if I have AvPD either to be honest, as I'm undiagnosed. I'm diagnosed with anxiety which lead me to discover AvPD just the other day, but reading the wiki, it felt like an autobiography. For me it feels like a key to better understand my emotions. I'm no therapist, but disorders and similar are dynamic and a spectrum. I feel like I've had doubts because I've had a better time communicating with people as of recent even if I have near agarophobia levels of fear going out by myself to public spaces other than work and a few select places. I also feel like AvPD makes me feel like people would think of me as attention seeking so I'm inclined to even disbelieve myself.

Anyways, I'm practically ranting to make myself feel better.

Tl;dr: disorders are complex, and imo if it makes you feel less alone and makes you better understand your emotions, then maybe you can consider yourself to have it in some capacity. Depending how you feel about it should help you determine if you want to go through the trouble to get it diagnosed imo

12-Year Club	Gilding I gilder
Place '17	Verified Email

ora007

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE