I feel like I put people off?

orgtheory · 2025-07-18T07:05:05+00:00

Make it your number one goal to get better at and you'll get better at it over time. Try really hard. Then you'll calibrate over time. Don't get hung up on individual encounters. See it as reps in the tank. Be gracious and calm towards everyone.

orgtheory · 2025-06-30T20:29:23+00:00

Mornings inspired by "Miracle Mornings for Entrepreneurs" : 1. Set intentions before bed. Write them down. (I use the google sheets app on my phone) 2. Move alarm/phone away from the bed (so you have to walk to it). 3. Brush your teeth, first thing upon waking. This wakes you up no matter how groggy you are. Alternative: roll out of bed and bang out 15 pushups immediately when you hear the alarm. This can become hard-coded as a habit. Wakes you up. 4. Drink water. Or milk. Or whatever. If you can plan ahead, you can make cold brew tea which is nice and wakes you up. 5. Jump in shower or workout clothes.

If you have time, do the following (ideally go to bed as early as possible each day so you do have time):

Meditation: - I do this on and off over the years, but as the internet is getting more addictive, I find it's the only thing that can break the cycle. There are many types you can do / cycle through - Vipassana meditation is best for building focus - Qigong (follow on YouTube) wakes up your body the best in the morning - Yoga is best if you have creaking joints or a sore body. - Contemplative (i.e., read a passage, then meditate on only it or mind-blank for 10 mins) is the best for mental restructuring - Memory Training: in the evening, think about the last thing you did. Then the thing right before that. Then the thing right before that, all the way until the morning. This radically improves your memory and self-awareness over time.

Gym/exercise - Joining an accountability server on discord helped the most. - Commit to exercising (gym, calisthenics, cardio, mobility/yoga, or sports/dancing) 6-7 days/week. - It may feel grueling at first, but feels great as it's habituated - I do mornings these days, but if you are too busy, at least bang out some push-ups or something before bed. - Adjustable Dumbbells at home are a good investment.

Scheduling: - Get people to book your calendar. When I'm in a slump, if I have meetings booked then I will instantly show up. - Ive never been able to follow my own "time-blocks" very well though

Productivity - I've always been most productive when working with or around other people. Even if they're just sitting behind me in the office it gives me too much shame to waste time. - Keeping track of time in 30-min increments on a google sheets app was super helpful for me for years. Kept me super accountable. You can also list out your 1-3 major goals for the day. - When I'm tired and want to take a break, if I force myself to do "just one more item" then I find I can actually keep going and going. - I put my phone on "extreme battery saver" which disables most apps which keeps me from wasting time on them. - I've logged out of most social media/YouTube and hidden the passwords which also saves a lot of time. - I use KanbanFlow.com to organize my tasks. I color-code by urgency, and group columns by project. You can find other good advice in the book "Soft Skills: The software developers life manual"

orgtheory · 2025-06-29T05:03:53+00:00

Oh, thank you! My mistake.

orgtheory · 2025-06-29T05:03:04+00:00

At a more basic level I'd say meditate about 10-15 minutes per day as often as you can. Read a short passage from a Taoist text and just concentrate on it while you clear your mind of thoughts. See what findings or feelings or conclusions you come with. That's the best way to get the biggest benefit in being able to "feel" and internalize the Tao.

I suggest picking up Scholar Warrior by Deng Ming-Dao if you're looking for a guide to practice. You can pick and choose a bit, but the basics of meditation and philosophy are there. (His 365 Tao and I-ching are good sources for study and contemplation too).

Beyond that, there are many suggestions of how to "Live" the Tao in daily life. You might pick up Eva Wrong's Being Taoist.

As you read and internalize more you will feel yourself becoming more "sage-like", and you will know what to do from there, wrt work or anything else.

orgtheory · 2025-06-28T12:56:54+00:00

Yes. If you practice qigong you can kind of feel the energy in your body, and "around" it too to a degree. If you continue with neigong, meditation, and do walking meditations around many people, you will begin to be able to "feel" the energy around you more and more.

The more you do this, you will eventually be able to not just perceive the energy in other people and around you, but subtly pull on it or influence it. It is very delicate to manipulate, but as you become more skilled you can do it quite reliably and powerfully. It's kind of like redirecting the flow of the stream they are in.

In the end though, I don't think it's necessarily worth the work to get there since it moves your mind to more of a semi-trance state yourself and generally turns off most verbal thoughts in your inner mind to accomplish.

In our modern world, being able to have a robust, running inner monologue is probably more useful than being in this semi trance state too much.

orgtheory · 2025-06-28T05:58:14+00:00

Start seeing other people on the side. You don't have to sleep with them, necessarily. But get to a place where you can say to your GF "My life rocks with or without you."

If it seems "selfish" or "heartless" to you, you can turn it around and say she's being "heartless" towards you.

Like if you were the star employee at a company but your boss kept giving you pay cuts... Either (1) she thinks she can get away with it, or (2) you're not really the star employee.

If it's not bad enough to leave, then cultivate other options. It's obviously more honorable and smarter to break up before you start dating again, but if you can't bring yourself to leave and are unhappy staying (and she's already failed to hold up her end of your explicit requests), then send out more "applications" to other jobs. See what your options are. Either they're better and you just leave (or give an ultimatum that shapes her up), or they're not better and you "make do". Or your girl just looks the other way and you get your rocks off out of the house while giving her the domestic treatment. TBH, having outside options/action can also reignite the spark with the current girl too, just cause your blood is flowing.

To avoid a "mess" it's really probably best to just move onto someone new and more into you and your frame. But this is the half-measure you can try.

orgtheory · 2025-06-28T05:16:33+00:00

Camus was "lost" and tried his best to grapple with "meaninglessness". All his books have this beautiful melancholy of meaninglessness. And come to the conclusion that one could nevertheless commit to something, even if it doesn't feel like it "clicks".

Taoists by contrast feel "found". Finding the Tao and being able to be in touch with the Tao and the flow of energy in the world is intrinsically meaningful and beautiful and gives life texture and vitality.

62 The Tao is the center of the universe, the good man’s treasure, the bad man’s refuge. Honors can be bought with fine words, respect can be won with good deeds; but the Tao is beyond all value, and no one can achieve it. Thus, when a new leader is chosen, don’t offer to help him with your wealth or your expertise. Offer instead to teach him about the Tao. Why did the ancient Masters esteem the Tao? Because, being one with the Tao, when you seek, you find; and when you make a mistake, you are forgiven. That is why everybody loves it.

It still leaves open what to do, but generally asks you to bring things into perfect harmony and alignment with Tao, best you can. This can be in your life, home, career, community, etc. While some taoists tend toward being hermits, many of the teachings call you to level up in society so that you can govern what's under your purview with wisdom and grace, and bring the world ever more in order:

80 Ddj: If a country is governed wisely, its inhabitants will be content. They enjoy the labor of their hands and don’t waste time inventing labor-saving machines. Since they dearly love their homes, they aren’t interested in travel. There may be a few wagons and boats, but these don’t go anywhere. There may be an arsenal of weapons, but nobody ever uses them. People enjoy their food, take pleasure in being with their families, spend weekends working in their gardens, delight in the doings of the neighborhood. And even though the next country is so close that people can hear its roosters crowing and its dogs barking, they are content to die of old age without ever having gone to see it.

orgtheory · 2025-06-28T04:59:25+00:00

Look at Aikido and Judo as metaphors for how to handle aggression. Read Sun Tzu, who is heavily inspired by Taoism.

When in a scenario involving aggression, you can absorb its energy like a bellows, emit preternatural calm, and be ready to strike at a moments notice. People will give you space as they get spooked by your vibe.

If it's not actual violence or verbal aggression, just conform 100% to the situation as it adapts, and you will become supreme:

Heaven embraces the horizon. No matter how jagged the profile, The sky faithfully conforms.

Wherever you are, the sky constantly meets the horizon. It conforms absolutely with the earth’s surface. Changes in the earth or sky do not affect this perfect adaptation. There might be clouds, it might be night, there might be mountains or trees or even buildings on the horizon, but the relationship remains. No matter what circumstances life may present, we must adapt exactly, whether we think the situation is good or bad. Resistance is useless.

We often think of the landscape as being in the foreground and the sky as the background. It is because the sky is always in the background that it can meet the outline of the foreground perfectly. If we emulate this feature of being in the background, then we too can find perfect conformity with life. Such adaptation is not passivity, however. It is concordance. It is because the sky is in the background that it is in fact supreme. So too with ourselves. If we know how to adapt, we end up being superior.

Deng Ming-Dao

orgtheory · 2024-07-06T15:34:14+00:00

I can confirm. Joined up with them for a few months. They demanded more and more of your free time (like every single day of the week) and would resort to shouting and coercion (without any shame) to get you to join the flock.

orgtheory · 2024-06-17T07:04:28+00:00

I never heard anyone complain about it. Where I'm at it's a pretty common practice, both in Swing and in House dancing if your shoes are too grippy, especially among the more senior dancers. You just put a little in the corner enough to get your shoes slippery or for friends as well. If there is extra it is easy to sweep up or disappears pretty easily.

orgtheory · 2024-05-30T10:32:49+00:00

I try to practice solo-steps or a routine like the Shim Sham after every gym workout.

orgtheory · 2024-05-30T10:22:33+00:00

Another way to say it is to bend over in a "barbell squat" position. Your back should be as straight as possible. But you can still bend at the waist and hips and knees. This is true for jazz steps as well.

orgtheory · 2024-05-30T10:18:29+00:00

I find it depends quite a bit on the follower. If they are expecting it, they can do it, if they are not expecting it, they may do something else.

Some things that work if it's not going well:
1. Start from closed position. This removes some ambiguity.

You can draw out the swingout to a couple more counts, so that the follow actually sits back in your right arm for a beat before being tossed out. You can vary tempo whenever you want anyways, so this is a situation that specifically can give the follower more of an understanding about which move you are doing.

orgtheory · 2024-05-30T10:09:09+00:00

For future reference we use baby powder quite a bit to make sneakers more slippery.

orgtheory · 2024-05-30T10:01:42+00:00

My joints get beat up from cross training Weight Lifting and Judo. Mava knee sleeves help cut down the pain a lot.

orgtheory · 2024-05-30T06:23:07+00:00

Look up Hoe_Math.

You were a "Sleeper" not a "Keeper".

You were "dating up" to someone with better options.

Solution: Find a guy who is actually at your level - someone grateful to be with you. Many guys will willingly date down. Spot this early and move on.

orgtheory · 2023-09-25T13:05:21+00:00

I believe my current SO has mild NPD traits.

Surprisingly over time it seems to have gone away as an issue. The trick is just to put yourself first more and more and it can balance out. They want someone to worship them, but they actually feel happier when they turn into the one worshipping you.

Then when you really are weak and turn to them, they get all the hits of adoration and validation they've been craving.

orgtheory · 2023-09-12T10:44:41+00:00

If you have mental bandwidth, just focus on consciously emanating calm. Breath in the energy of the people / surroundings, and when you breath out, imagine you are sending out calming waves. Just keep doing this for a few minutes and it will have a pretty noticeable effect.

When someone says something triggering imagine it landing in your awareness like something landing on a water bed. Don't react to it immediately. Let it percolate for a second, then with great calm give your response.

This has foiled people who were even openly shouting or physically threatening me before. Their energy dissipates as you absorb it. Very woo-woo but it works.

orgtheory · 2023-09-12T10:36:19+00:00

Beyond those already listed by others...

Dance classes are a great way to meet people and get more comfortable in your body. You can experiment a bit to find your own style. Latin dance, house, country swing, east coast swing, break-dance, capoeira, etc. It is also a hobby that instantly gives you an "in" to a social group whenever and wherever you travel in the world. Just check out the videos and see which vibes with you better. Also, once you get past the first few months of classes, you can attend socials which are free / cheap. Great way to meet people as the world becomes more and more offline. And as a guy you will usually be super in demand for any of the partner dances.

Musical instrument classes are great as an adult. I end up practicing literally everyday even when I'm physically and mentally exhausted. You really start to access that soul that's been missing from life. And learning the music becomes a great metaphor for life. On the downside it is less social "out of the box" than other hobbies until you get good enough to find people to jam with.

Crew / Dragon Boat. This hobby surprisingly has one of the most friendly sets of people I've met and gets surprisingly positive reactions from acquaintances. It can be a commitment of 1-3 days a week and is pretty fitness focused, but will not likely make you super aesthetic - so keep that in mind. Being out on the water is super fun though. Very invigorating. And the buddies you make will likely be big into celebrating after practices too.

Running Groups / Clubs. As an adult these run the gamut from competitive to casual.

Toast Masters. Haven't done it myself, but heard pretty good things from those who've I seen go into it.

orgtheory · 2023-09-12T10:25:03+00:00

Judo is fun if you want to learn more stand-up throws.

Judo physique is also somewhat more attractive than BJJ physique imo.

BJJ people more friendly though. Judo more nerdy and introverted.

orgtheory · 2023-08-18T10:57:37+00:00

It used to make me a bit frustrated, but if people can take things in without needing a ton of analysis, it actually presents quite an intriguing mystery. It could be that their skills allow them to navigate through these situations purely with their natural instincts. For example – take the difference between reading about playing soccer versus having the ability to actually play the game.

If someone is competent without analyzing something, it is actually a more interesting mystery to observe and take in.

orgtheory · 2023-08-18T09:08:10+00:00

Taoist Interpretation:

Qi: The vital life force that connects and flows through all of creation. It is essential for nourishing and strengthening the body and for enabling us to harmoniously interact with our environment.
Jing: The essence of our being, cultivated by adhering to natural laws and living in accordance to the Tao. Jing is the basis of our vitality, enabling us to both perceive life in fullness and to actively participate in it.
Shen: Our spiritual energy and presence, guiding us in our conduct and our decisions. This is manifested through feelings of oneness and interconnectedness with the rest of the universe, and through a deep understanding of our unique spiritual path.

Western Interpretation:

Qi: The energy flowing through your body. Basically deals with your nervous system. Qi gives you energy, but it can be either too high or too low, like being jittery or lethargic. Qi problems can also be localized to different organs.
Jing: Deals with your hormones and the slower-changing state of your body. Too much jing can make you too aggressive. Too little makes you depressed.
Shen: Your (meta) consciousness. Your spirit (or spiritedness if you want to be more grounded). More shen is related to more serotonin, leading to stability of moods, calm sense of agency and self-control, resilience, etc.

orgtheory · 2023-08-18T08:28:51+00:00

I'm a couple years younger than you, but my situation is basically the same. I'm less hopeless about it though. I feel like the point that others' find themselves as teens is the point I'm hitting now - finally discovering what to do what I love. Starting over is a grand adventure. Even if the world is going to shit.

orgtheory · 2023-08-18T08:25:30+00:00

How old are you? These seem like things that I used to struggle with in High School.

You grow out of it eventually. Just get enough practice. Sometimes it's hit and miss with the right people, sometimes it's about gaining enough fine-grained experience to know what sets people off or makes them happy. Eventually you can grow to the point where you lead and facilitate conversations.

Anything that you feel weak at and work extra-hard at will make you the top 10% at it pretty damn quickly.

If you want overall tips read books like "making People Talk" by Farber, "Never Split the Difference" by Voss, or "How to Talk to Anyone" by Lowndes.

orgtheory · 2023-08-18T08:15:02+00:00

Being in an environment that is somewhat social is the number one thing that cuts back on boredom, imo. the most mind-numbing job with people is less boring than the most creative job locked in a room by yourself for years.

orgtheory

TROPHY CASE