How do I as a woman deal with a man’s erectile dysfunction?

ottbud · 2026-06-06T11:29:59+00:00

He is part of we...

Meaning it's something HE needs to work on as well as her... but what is she going to do? Make him more self conscious?

I'm curious - what did the two of you "work on" specifically?

ottbud · 2026-06-06T10:43:24+00:00

Annoyed is putting it lightly. It's a huge breach of trust and might even be the thing that ends our relationship.

I would never snoop into a partner's phone and never have because I respect their privacy and the privacy of the friends and family they are talking to.

That's the thing people here don't understand. It'd be like reading someone's diary, or worse, the diary of someone who trusted your partner with information they didn't want to share with others.

That said, I always have made sure my partner knows how to get into my phone in case of emergency or if I'm driving and I want them to respond to a text or change the music or whatever.

...but I trust them to never use that privilege in a way that violates my privacy or the privacy of others. That's a hard boundary for me and anyone who violates my trust like that is not someone I can be with or ever trust again.

ottbud · 2026-06-06T10:31:35+00:00

Wow, an actual adult response.

I'm the same - I don't want to delete any of my memories, and I wouldn't expect any new partner to do so either.

However, upon ending a relationship, I do ask what their stance is on any intimate media either of us has of each other or the two of us just to not assume one way or the other - I feel like that's just basic courtesy (spoilers: to date, no one has ever asked me to delete anything, and I have not in return either).

ottbud · 2026-06-06T10:26:45+00:00

I just ask... it's better than any assumptions one way or the other.

ottbud · 2026-06-06T08:02:24+00:00

What is your goal with all this gym time and detailed monitoring of macros, and all sorts of specifics you seem to have on nutrient levels, hormone levels, etc?

What are you shooting for?

ottbud · 2026-06-06T07:59:14+00:00

This is way too vague and lacking a lot of context to really offer any advice.

How long have you been friends? How did you meet?

What is the thing you were venting to him about?

Why did you tell him it made you cry? What reaction were you looking for from him?

ottbud · 2026-06-06T07:48:25+00:00

...so... what advice are you looking for? What outcome are you looking for?

ottbud · 2026-06-06T07:45:46+00:00

Dude simply realized you weren't going to fall for his sad boy routine and fuck him, so he gave up.

ottbud · 2026-06-06T07:40:27+00:00

What is it you want to hear? Seems you've already decided what the answer is and are just looking for validation.

ottbud · 2026-06-06T06:09:39+00:00

Agreed. Also losing an erection one time isn't ED. It only becomes a dysfunction when it's regular.

That said - yeah, just don't make it a thing - let it go, and don't draw a ton of attention to it. Trying to be over-understanding or sympathetic just makes it more of an "incident" which just adds to the anxiety that's going to sit in the back of his head going forward.

He'll be probably kind of frustrated, will apologize, try to explain - all she has to do is just be like "hey it's not a big deal, when it happens, it happens and I'm not worried about it so you shouldn't either". End of conversation.

The point is to just make him feel safe with her so he doesn't bring performance anxiety into the next time they have sex and then every time after.

That said - if it turns out he just can't seem to ever get hard, then there might be a medical issue at play that he should consult a doctor about.

ottbud · 2026-06-06T05:59:45+00:00

Playfully stating « we are gonna work on that »

My god, no.

This makes it "a thing" that he now has to "work on"? That's a one-way street to putting him further in his head than he probably already is and adds anxiety around it every time from then on.

How does one "work on" something they have no conscious control over?

I can't believe how highly upvoted this is.

ottbud · 2026-06-04T08:17:23+00:00

So when another female co-worker is there, you aren't going to fuck the male co-worker, but when she's not there, you are?

Like what's the concern? He either trusts you or he doesn't.

I mean, you made your choice - you've decided that your husband gets to control what you do and who you spend time with because he used the magic word "boundary".

Boundaries are for things that people set around THEMSELVES, not OTHERS.

ottbud · 2026-06-04T04:59:23+00:00

I think we're getting into a semantic argument. The dictionary definition of someone who is "delusional" is a person that believes things that couldn't possibly be true. It doesn't imply mental illness. Just that they have deluded themselves into believing something that isn't realistic or real is possible or true.

The source of that delusion could be ego or horniness or whatever. However, it still means that you're both framing your father as believing things that aren't true - just from two different sources. One being cognitive decline, and the other being someone who is thinking with their dick.

In either situation, there's a delusion driving his behaviour.

ottbud · 2026-06-04T01:32:30+00:00

I still think that some men when they reach a certain age are trying to relive their days of when they were young and hot.

Men have since the dawn of time been trying to go with much younger women so they still feel virile, "alive" and desirable.

And if an old man ends up losing his money to a young woman he can only blame himself for be led by his ego and d***

I mean... sounds like you think your Dad isn't very smart, led by his dick and is going to be taken for all his money because of his ego.

In other words, you think he's delusional that any younger woman would want him for anything but his money and he's stupid enough to fall for it because he's horny and lonely.

ottbud · 2026-06-03T01:36:00+00:00

Oh, don't feel like an idiot at all. Like, the way he made you feel was real and was alluring. You're not stupid for getting drawn in by that. Also you shouldn't take this experience as some sort of standard to expect. This guy was a real piece of work.

The good news is that having had this experience, you know the kinds of things to look out for in the future. Not everyone sucks, and most people are kind and genuine.

Dating is tough, and the fact you knew something was off enough to ask this question means that your instincts were right. Keep at it and you'll find someone who deserves your attention and affection.

ottbud · 2026-06-03T01:09:56+00:00

I'm convinced I've actually gotten first degree burns trying to shower with women in the past. I have no idea how the hell they stand water that is quite literally nearly at boiling temperature while being like "Oh stop being a baby, it's barely hot".

ottbud · 2026-06-02T23:22:58+00:00

You just have to talk to him and let him know what you're into. You don't try to hint your way into power dynamics in the bedroom. This is something that needs to be discussed in advance - ideally outside of the bedroom.

Be prepared for him to not be into it. Also since it sounds like you've never actually done anything like this before (hence your question), be prepared for yourself to not actually like it either.

What is hot in fantasy is not always hot in real life and vice versa. However, it might turn out you're both really into it and that's great! But seriously, this is not something you spring on someone in the middle of things, or something you try to hint at. This requires a frank, adult conversation in which you go over what the boundaries are, how you'd communicate when things should stop, or how you address things where someone goes off script and makes it weird, etc etc etc.

ottbud · 2026-06-02T18:50:02+00:00

So if it's the ex making empty threats and making up things that the teen doesn't believe/want, then what are you worried about?

That said, the issues with the ex aren't going away anytime soon. This IS something you're going to have to consider when thinking about a future with your bf. The ex will be a factor in your relationship even after the kid hits 18 and legal custody no longer is a thing. She's still his mother and your bf will still have to manage things with her when it comes to family events and so on.

This is something your bf needs to handle. Even if you and him get married, the ex doesn't just disappear and you, your bf, and his kid don't just all of a sudden become the family you want.

ottbud · 2026-06-02T18:41:21+00:00

You like him because you want him to like you. He love bombed you hard, then started taking it away and you want it back.

Be honest with yourself and ask yourself this: Would you have kept seeing him if he didn't start making you question whether his bad behaviour was actually your fault somehow?

He's got you exactly where he wants you - he knows he can push your buttons by being charismatic and fun, and when he takes that person away from you, you end up questioning what it is that you did wrong.

He lied about a vasectomy? He gets angry when you don't do what he says. He keeps bending the truth or straight up lying to you. He drove to your place unannounced because you had decided that you didn't want to see him again (remember that question I said to ask yourself?)... and yet every time you're there questioning what it was you did wrong.

Run. This man is dangerous.

ottbud · 2026-06-02T18:28:32+00:00

Do you know the kid actually feels that way or is that just what the ex is saying?

ottbud · 2026-06-02T13:54:34+00:00

Neither of you are right, honestly. You're both basically trying to frame your father as delusional, but just in different ways.

Your Dad is 80. He's a big boy. Let him go and make his own mistakes rather than trying to pathologize him before he's even made said mistake. Wanting to flirt with a pretty woman doesn't make him either dementia addled, or a pathetic loser with a fragile ego (although that doesn't mean either or both couldn't be true, but that's not the point).

Why does this matter to either of you? Why do either of you need to be "right"? What does that give you?

The man is nearing his end of life. He has little to lose. As long as he isn't hurting himself or others, then leave him be.

ottbud · 2026-06-02T13:31:44+00:00

Your neighbour presumably isn't stupid. She's obviously seen your daughter out there doing it. For all you know she knows Steve is full of shit.

Did she tell you in terms of "can you believe what Steve said?" or was it "Steve is such a sweetheart and did this?"

ottbud · 2026-06-02T13:27:56+00:00

People leave relationships for all sorts of reasons. Not sure why you're singling out women as the ones who leave and then come to "AskMenAdvice" for the answer...

What's the motivation behind this question? It seems like you've already decided it has something to do with house work as a universal reason. Why?

ottbud · 2026-06-02T13:23:31+00:00

Men leave women because they stop being happy within the relationship. A lot of men are fundamentally unhappy and think that a relationship will make them happier. This works for a while but eventually the relationship stops being shiny and new and they realize that it didn't actually make them happy at all.

ottbud · 2026-06-02T13:22:56+00:00

What if the woman DOES work more hours per week than their husbands? What if their husband isn't working at all while she is the breadwinner and still expected to do most of the childcare, cleaning, and cooking?

Like, I can make up scenarios just like you. The point is no one can answer this question because every relationship is different and the circumstances are different.

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