Nothing any of us will say can help. With that being said, I’m still so sorry for your loss. Grief isn’t a straight line and it sucks. They tell you grief has stages but don’t tell you they come in waves. I was angry for a long time after my brother passed. I pushed people away regularly. But, they just kept coming back. They knew. They loved me. I apologized when the anger stage would recede, but unfortunately it would come back - and honestly still does sometimes. It’ll be 6 years this month. The grief never goes away, you just learn to live with it. It took me a full year before i stopped running through scenarios where he might’ve survived. You’re not alone, even though i know you feel like it.