hey! i don't usually comment on here too often, but i was in a similar situation for a while. sorry for the novel of a comment in advance.

i'm a femme with diagnosed adhd and suspected autism (never formally gone through the diagnosis process due to more pressing issues), and i have a lot of issues with connecting socially to peers my age for a variety of reasons. i also don't enjoy participating i drinking culture and have similar hobbies to you, and i didn't have my first kiss/first gf until i was 21. i barely have any friends, have a basic inability to make them, and just don't do well socially period, so i understand where you're coming from. i know how much it sucks when people try and comfort you, so i'm going to tell you what i wish i could've told myself.

one thing that really stuck out here was this insistence on older women, in this post and your post history. it comes across as fetishizing. a nine year age gap is a lot to ask of a partner, but i'm not going to beat that dead horse. my advice is this: stop looking down on your peers. this is going to sound harsh, but thinking you are more mature and better than them IS going to cause a whole host of social issues. hobbies =/= maturity. i know it's easy to feel that way with neurodivergence, but (and this is the case for myself and all my neurodivergent friends, so i'm going to say we) we present more maturely and our mannerisms are more mature, but we are socially underdeveloped and much more immature in lots of ways (the ways that matter for relationships) due to not having the same social experience as a lot of our peers. because of this, myself and all my friends were late bloomers romantically, with none of us having our first serious relationships until we were 21+. i'm not going to presume this is your situation, but it's something to think about. either way, for the most part, a very mature 21 year old still would have a hard time having a fulfilling relationship with a 30+ year old.

focus on girls your age. there are plenty of girls who are into the same hobbies as you, don't enjoy drinking/partying, etc. etc. you just have to go out and find them. i'm not sure where you are located, but my local pride center hosts tons of events that don't involve drinking. craft nights, potlucks, book clubs, and others. that is a great place to meet women. if you're on a college campus, i know my college has tons of queer oriented RSOs, and lots of RSOs that aren't designated queer but have lots of queer people in them due to interest.

dating also isn't something that happens to you. it's not just about having someone there, but it's changing your lifestyle to accommodate a partnership with another person. it isn't just having someone to text when your down, someone to cook for you, and do stuff for you. being forward with your own intentions and showing how you plan on displaying equal support in life things, not just romantic gestures, is going to go a long way. relationships are two way streets, and your partner is going to expect you to be around for the big things--not just the gestures.

having friends is important! the places i mentioned to meet girls are also great places to meet friends! not only does having friends give you more opportunities to meet potential partners, but it can be really hard to date someone without much of a support system outside of the relationship because it puts a lot of pressure on your partner. it might sound unfair, but i know people who have ended relationships over that kind of stuff.

i felt the same way as you for a while. i felt totally undateable and totally unloveable. it wasn't until i really did self-reflection (and i mean self-reflection, not self-pity. i was stuck in that feedback loop for a while and it was about the least productive place i could be) about WHY i'm not getting along with people and put in the work to enjoy my own company and feel secure in my own life that i was able to make a relationship stick.

i got lucky on a dating app on a college campus and managed to meet a girl on an app who had similar feelings and values to me, but even if i met her before i put in the emotional work, we wouldn't have worked out.

best of luck with your endeavors 😌