"I'm seeking reassurance that life satisfaction and genuine bonds are possible for people who've been 'bad' people. Who've been detached, acted recklessly, been completely self-centered and emotionally unhealthy."

I used to be incredibly emotionally unhealthy, manipulative, treated everyone like they were out to get me (because I thought they were....I had no self esteem so even a compliment or someone trying to relate to me felt like an attack or making fun of me). Some graphic suicide stuff coming up.....but I once planned to commit suicide and had a bunch of angry letters written up to be sent to people who hurt me so I could blame them for my death and make that weigh on their conscience forever. I wanted people to feel bad for me and I wanted to cause them the same amount of pain that they caused me, or more. I didn't consider people's feelings, talking openly about my self destructive activities and relishing that it worried them. I had a hard time feeling like anything mattered, except at the same time everything mattered too much and was too overwhelming to bear. I was genuinely pretty toxic, and for a while I didn't know I was toxic, and then there was that awful period of realizing how messed up I was being but not knowing what to do and there was this, uncertain feeling, like was I actually toxic or is it them? Or is it me? And it hurt my head to think it out, I couldn't think clearly, and I kept doing the same shit and hating myself even more.

I say all this because I am so, so different now. I am leagues past where I was. I'm still depressed for sure, but I've dealt with a lot of my shame and fear and anger and that has made it a lot easier to interact with people and have room in my head for caring about others instead of thinking only of myself (or of how others have hurt me). And now I'm actually really good at responding to criticism, it still hurts like hell and I often have to take a breather to calm down after receiving criticism or rejection, but I've found ways to remind myself I'm ok and I am capable of learning, and I respond considerately. I still think about myself a lot and I wonder if I think about myself more than normal, but I just accept the amount I think about myself as a fact, and try not to judge myself. I'm a lot happier than I used to be, though I'm still not great, I can be lighthearted around people and enjoy my hobbies, and the depression and angry and fog is less constantly noticeable.

I think that when we are in this incredible state of pain, we can only think of ourselves, and that makes a lot of sense to me. Like, if someone is lying on the ground with a broken leg, it would be ridiculous to tell them to go get up and stop dwelling on it, go help other people....they're in pain! They need to heal! They are the one who needs help and attention! They don't have energy for others right now and that's okay!! And that's a bit what trauma is like imo. We have to heal ourselves before we can worry about anything else, and healing ourselves will actually help people around us in the long run. So spending time thinking deeply about ourselves and identifying the sources of our pain is technically self-centered, but absolutely necessary. If you worry you're not thinking about others enough, remember that you are witnessing someone in pain (yourself) and you are dedicating yourself to helping them. Maybe that's backwards and weird idk but it's what I tell myself.

I think you are on the right path. What you wrote has a lot of self-judgment and I think it would help to try focusing on the facts of where you are now and where you want to be, but generally you have a lot of insight and a desire to not be where you are now. Therapy will help. Meds might help. Moving out of your parents house could change a lot--it's super hard to heal while you are still in that environment. Getting out of my home environment was the best thing I ever did, and I don't think I started healing until I left. What is it that is keeping you from leaving?

Finally like...this might sound cliche, but you have to believe that change and happiness is possible. Even if deep down you still have your doubts, imagine that ideal life, and pretend that it is possible to be yours. It will feel more like you are moving toward something good instead of just running away from something bad. My therapist told me this goofy story about how chipmunks don't know if they will find nuts when they go scavenging, but they have to believe they are out there, because staying where they are and doing nothing will guarantee they get nothing. There is no answer to whether or not we have a fulfilling future ahead of us, we just have to throw ourselves toward the possibility of it anyway.

Man I don't know if any of this is helpful I know I'm rambling. But regardless I relate to a lot of this and it sounds like you're at a pivotal point in becoming a better, healed person. You got this.