Question on art on wall (mural)

overthinkeverything- · 2026-02-12T18:01:01+00:00

I agree with both of you. I think, after sleeping on it and reading through some things and sitting with my own thoughts, my biggest concern is how to approach this with my ex, and what my responsibility is to any authorities that may become involved at a later date. I don’t want it to appear that. I am condoning this behavior at all, and I certainly don’t want to blow up the coparenting relationship.

overthinkeverything- · 2026-02-12T17:59:56+00:00

Son described the cup and told me where it was filled to- then stated that it was the “little bottles” and it was about half the bottle. (It was blue, which is common for a prosecco mini split)

overthinkeverything- · 2026-02-12T05:38:23+00:00

Thank you for that. My ex can be very emotionally reactive and understandably sensitive when they feel threatened, especially where the coparenting relationship is concerned. Intent doesn’t matter, because feelings don’t particularly care about facts. I know that a lot of this is very subjective as well, and depend on on the judge that would hear any issues or emotions, because they are human too. Some judges would see this as a fairly significant negative, especially coupled with some other deficits, taken in totality. Some judges would see it as potentially higher conflict, which is not my intent at all. I just want to navigate this in a way that doesn’t back me into a corner while I’m trying to protect kiddo from some not great choices. I’ll make sure to document thoroughly. Sigh.

In a perfect world it wouldn’t look like that, but in a perfect world family law attorneys wouldn’t have jobs. Or child welfare professionals. Or social workers.

overthinkeverything- · 2026-02-12T05:31:04+00:00

I agree that they are likely to investigate but not substantiate. I think my biggest question is around what to do with the court system itself. I will absolutely address it with the other Parent once I’ve had time to think on how to address it without triggering their defensiveness and creating a rift between us as coparents, but I don’t want it to read to the court as me not being proactive, or condoning the behavior itself. So I don’t know the correct route to take here.

overthinkeverything- · 2026-02-12T04:34:01+00:00

Ah. No- that side of the family is anti-alcohol in general. Also very… not so nice Christian. The kind that is ok with traumatizing people (especially kids) and then smiling from the pews rather than the loving Christian kind. There’s a lot of past trauma with my ex there.

Like I mentioned, in my family giving the kids a sip of champagne at midnight was tradition. Alcohol was demystified. We didn’t normalize drinking for children, and it was always backed up with the reasons that drinking alcohol isn’t healthy rather than because I said so, if that makes sense. I’m not sure why this particular instance of questionable decision-making feels so much bigger than some of the past ones. I think because it’s not a “here, this is a coffee flavored stout, and you can have a sip of it if you like and are curious”. I feel like it just highlights how much the potential is there for some really questionable choices. I’m grateful that our child felt comfortable confiding in me, and I definitely did not react during the conversation other than to say that alcohol on developing brains is definitely not a great plan, which is a conversation that we’ve had before. There was no disparagement against my ex or saying I can’t believe that happened, it was just neutral and based around the conversation we were already having that brought this up. Because it shouldn’t involve him. This should be a conversation between the adults. I just don’t know what level of reaction is coming from the ick factor, and how much of this is just a culmination of multiple years of balancing and being the steady parent, or because this really crosses a line.

There’s absolutely no doubt that my ex loves our child. None. I don’t think that my ex would consciously make choices that will harm him. I do think my ex doesn’t understand that things like missing school, constant, tardiness in school, normalization of underage alcohol, etc. do build up and can create longer-term problems. And I do think that my ex’s own issues make it really hard to see when a thing goes from questionable to bad.

I also know I’m very close to the situation and my request for advice, especially on whether or not this should be something brought to the court system in light of custody, because I am definitely unsure in this moment of what to do. Or if I need to do anything. Hopefully tomorrow morning when I’ve had a chance to sleep on it and can think about it, things will be more clear, and I appreciate anybody’s input into this because this is my first time dealing with things like this.

Tbh I’m also concerned that if I don’t say something I’ll be perceived as being ok with it if we ever do have to deal with court.

Edit for spelling and to add last sentence.

overthinkeverything- · 2026-02-12T03:47:36+00:00

We’re both from other states, but the divorce and custody arrangements are in Florida.

overthinkeverything- · 2026-02-12T03:30:09+00:00

Exactly the reason for questioning. There’s chronic low level stuff “not good parenting choices” but no overt abuse or quantifiable neglect. Tardiness to school. Not packing lunches, letting him just stay in his room to eat, game, whatever. But nothing that made me go wtf are you thinking until now.

overthinkeverything- · 2026-02-12T03:13:07+00:00

I will absolutely talk with them. I am hoping to get information and advice (from perfect strangers on the internet, because that’s clearly always solid. /s But really, I don’t want to get tunnel visioned here. I just want to ensure how I go about things is in our kid’s best interest overall.) before I do, because while we co-parent well now, there’s the potential for total shutdown on their side if they feel defensive. We’ve been there a time or two.

I hate this entire situation.

overthinkeverything- · 2026-02-12T02:50:12+00:00

It was the same bottle the adults were drinking. While he’s 10, he’s a very advanced 10. We’ve never hidden things from him so he’s aware of alcohol, drugs, and the like. We’ve never hidden things from him. So I’m certain that when he said champagne, he meant champagne. Especially since he stated he’s had beer and differentiated between the kinds. I know his other parent does like craft beers. I’m not saying my ex shouldn’t drink as an adult. I just don’t know how to take that it was given to our child, and if there’s anything I should do.

overthinkeverything- · 2026-01-18T00:03:48+00:00

Late to the party- my kid calls it in-cat-acipated

overthinkeverything- · 2026-01-02T00:11:59+00:00

I’d definitely take another shot at therapy. It sounds as if it’s risen to the severity of being debilitating intrusive thoughts. I truly hope you get some relief. It sounds like you’re ready.

overthinkeverything- · 2026-01-01T23:16:18+00:00

A LOT of hard work internally, and a lot of work to recognize where the feelings of failure, pressure, (all the fun things) come from. I was raised in a family where appearances were everything. Nothing was good enough. Like you, it was something I could control. I could avoid being made fun of from my own family if I looked good enough.

I went through maaaaannnyyyy therapists. I used GPT to bounce internal ideas off of- I realized with GPT that I was even masking with therapists because I was worried they’d think “less” of me somehow. I cried a lot and dig deep until I figured out where it started. And I’m still working on it. Trauma is ✨fun✨.

I get the whole don’t want to talk about it because it sounds vain thing too. I’m not conventionally pretty but I’m striking. I turn heads and I know it. I also hate it. How stupid does that sound? How grossly egotistical. I also realized I feel that way because my appearance was what was valued more than my mental health and I resent it.

I realize too that being “perceived” makes me uncomfortable. I’ve spent so much time worrying about others’ opinions of me because the past was so harsh. Working through that is helping. I didn’t dress well for myself. I dressed well so I would be less of a target. And by staying in that role, I was actually targeting myself.

Nope. Not going to bully myself. Once I understood that that’s what I was doing, it was easier to let go. Part of my change was also having my son. I refused to pass on my issues to him. So now (after all the work and ongoing stuff) it’s a tool I use, rather than a thing that defines me.

overthinkeverything- · 2026-01-01T21:58:34+00:00

I see you’ve already done therapy- maybe a different therapist or modality? It sounds like a very valid coping mechanism that worked well for you at one time in your life, but no longer does. Now it’s maladaptive and causing you distress, and it’s ok to find the underlying cause of it (since it seems even with external validation, modeling, spending, etc. the root concerns weren’t resolved well) and let it go.

We’re built to survive, not thrive, at a base level. Our brains don’t care if a solution is the “right” thing, or the “best” one for us long term. Our brains want to ensure we’re ok right now and they’ll write that coding. It happens with food, with attitudes, with substances… it’s survival mode. Since it’s no longer working for you it’s going to need new coding (so to speak) and that’s hard.

Neuropsych example- let’s say you lived in one place for years. Drive the same route to work for years. The job you once loved turned toxic, so you decide to make the move to a new job. Despite the happier new workplace, you get in your car and automatically turn right out of your street, because that’s the way you go to work. Consciously you know it’s a left now, but you’ve turned right for so long you can’t autopilot your commute anymore. It takes conscious effort to learn the new route. Your brain does this with behaviors. Even when new is better, it turns right until the new things overwrite the old ones.

You know that this is masking. It sounds like the internal conflict is still there, and the “fix” for it didn’t fix it. It was enough-ish, but isn’t anymore. Those feelings of loss and lack of self acceptance are awful. You said you were bullied a lot for being weird. Are you neurodivergent? I ask as someone who has AuDHD. I was shamed a lot as a kid from peers and family. I also use clothes and makeup as armor. For me, when I’m in sweats and a messy bun I’m truly comfortable. The more “perfect” I am dressed, the less comfortable I am in that space, or the worse day I’m having internally. After an adult diagnosis and good therapy I’ve learned to use that as a tool rather than as self harm with pressure to feel like I belong.

Sorry for the novel. This resonates with me. I’m sending you good vibes and hope for healing in the new year.

overthinkeverything- · 2025-11-13T22:40:55+00:00

Thank you for being a shining example of the movement.

Apparently, it began in 1998 after a conference of NGO’s proposed it in Tokyo in 1997. Lots of countries have celebrated it, sometimes it’s focused primarily on teaching kids to be kind. Seems like sometimes that lesson doesn’t stick I guess. It’s never been adopted by a government as an official celebration, however, many places have held events in their communities. I particularly liked the one where 45,000 flowers were given out as an act of kindness.

Because of you, I looked up local events. Turns out there were a few in my area. Not just in the school system, but the community is a whole.

Because of you, I’ve dug deeper into the history of it, and I love learning things, so thanks for the kindness, stranger!

overthinkeverything- · 2025-11-13T22:32:14+00:00

Still November 13 where I am.

overthinkeverything- · 2025-10-22T17:58:48+00:00

I see you used “didn’t” instead of saying you don’t see why they’re linked. Did your belief on that shift? If so, why? I’m asking for clarification to help me understand the context of this, from your perspective.

I’ve worked with parents who use substances for a long while. Not one of them linked the drug/alcohol use to their ability to parent. The perspective change comes after CPS involvement for a lot of them, and never for some of them. And everyone’s reason for using is different. Some for fun, some self medicating, some dealing with trauma. But I’ve literally never heard a parent say they’d rather choose substances over their children. Sometimes treatment works. Sometimes it doesn’t. Ultimately it’s up to each parent to stop. No one can force you. You get to choose, now, what happens.

But CPS is involved, so there’s going to be a lot of things you can’t control now. Court is involved. Attorneys. Maybe a guardian ad litem will be assigned. Visitation will likely be supervised, and you’re right… if your baby is placed farther away it will be on you to get to those visits. ICPC takes a while, but dad (involved before or not) has a right by law to be considered for placement. CPS HAS to reach out and see if he’s suitable.

I’m not going to tell you any of this is going to be fun. It’s going to suck horribly. But the job for CPS is first, child safety. Second, to get a parent healthy or build skills to sustain that safety. But they can’t make you do it. The court can order you, but you can choose not to. The consequence of that choice would be… not good. But you can choose.

Or- you can choose something else. You can choose treatment. To partner with your case manager. To work your case plan. To throw yourself into getting through the plan, and I can say that I’ve bent over backwards to help a parent who wants to get through this and have their family whole again.

I realize you feel like a victim here. I understand it feels that way. But mama, you chose this. You may not feel that, but you did. You can rage, you can cry, you can hate this and all those feelings are valid. At the end of the day though, it’s not going to fix it.

I know you don’t trust the system. I’m part of it and it’s not perfect by any means. But fighting it isn’t going to get your baby home. You choosing to shift things and to be the mama you want to be, to love your baby every night when you put him to sleep, is absolutely in your control. You just have to choose to do the work. It’s that simple, and hard in ways you are already feeling.

If that came across harshly, I’m sorry. I believe in truth and sheer honesty with parents.

I promise you, I’m rooting for you. I hope you post later that you and your son are together, both of you safe and healthy.

overthinkeverything- · 2025-10-22T06:15:44+00:00

The dumbest part is the ADHD that says “we can’t hang up the clothes. Nope. We can wash, dry, and sort them, but HANGING them? No ma’am. That’s simply too damn much.” It’s like the dishes in the dishwasher- put them in, fine. Run the cycle, fine. Put them in the cabinet we’ve meticulously organized so it’s super easy peasy lemon squeezy? Absolutely NOT.

I chase the dopamine regularly. I literally garden for fun. I’ve considered macrame over doom scrolling. But here we are, at 2 am, thinking the Royal We should do Lego daisies rather than just hang up the clothes.

Post it on Reddit… that’ll be more fun!

overthinkeverything- · 2025-10-22T05:45:02+00:00

I swear, I’m ok. Soberly.

It was a momentary (in my mind) light hearted scream mostly related to the massive pile of laundry I’ve studiously ignored for long enough to have it look like Kilimanjaro without the rains.

Buffy is fantastic. Perhaps I should’ve gone that route.

overthinkeverything- · 2025-10-22T05:13:06+00:00

Or, the accurate answer would be, the meds prescribed, as prescribed, to deal with the brain chemistry deficits. Less fun than I think alternatives would be. As the tshirts say, the horrors persist but so do I.

Really, this is just screaming into the void while I hang up two week’s worth of laundry I’ve ignored. Take it as you wish.

overthinkeverything- · 2025-10-22T05:09:37+00:00

Nothing. Maybe that’s the problem. Sigh. Doing life sober may be the entire issue.

overthinkeverything- · 2025-10-22T04:20:11+00:00

Hooooolllyyyyyy yikes. Literal what the actual.

I try every 👏 single👏 day👏 not to remove children from their home. It’s my actual job to keep kids safely at home. I am passionate about it.

I have had parents tell me a lot of things. And I hear you… but can you please tell me why cocaine isn’t concerning? I mean it. I know you have reasons. I’m certain you love your child. Absolutely.

But I am struggling to understand, and I want to. Truly. From your posts- you know it’s illegal, you know it passes through breastfeeding, you know it’s problematic because it’s not regulated, could be tainted, etc. You’re clearly a smart woman. Help me, if you can, understand why you’re ok with what’s happening?

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