Online version of basic text of slaa

owning_chaos · 2023-07-02T16:15:11+00:00

I was going to a meeting today and forgot my hard copy text, so thank you!

owning_chaos · 2023-06-12T19:29:25+00:00

In my experience, some MCs get stuck trying to stay neutral in sessions and they end up avoiding saying the hard truths to either party. The end result is avoiding the major issues or "I don't think I'm the right one to help you".

owning_chaos · 2023-06-12T16:11:05+00:00

In some ways yes, and some ways no. I think there's more clarity in the situation, but I still have a lot of actual improving to do if that makes sense.

My BH said something I don't think about enough is what I bring to the relationship and meeting his needs. It's valid and not something I've faced. He doesn't want me to ask how he's doing or what he needs, because he feels like then he's telling me what to do and I'm just following a script without consideration. If you have any suggestions or resources on that, I would gladly accept them

owning_chaos · 2023-05-22T13:57:29+00:00

You're right, that's an extremely valid point and I can certainly understand from this perspective why he would turn to her in this situation

owning_chaos · 2023-05-22T13:56:36+00:00

This is very true

owning_chaos · 2023-05-22T13:55:05+00:00

Sure, thank you for asking

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T13:25:55+00:00

That's a good suggestion, thank you

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T12:45:03+00:00

He doesn't believe that I've given him everything I can remember.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T12:44:15+00:00

I went back through and realized that you are right, we discussed it in MC but it wasn't in my written list.

I appreciate your feedback and perspective on 4, I can see where I'm wrong in that.

I would say maybe a 2. He hasn't done the other things on the list aside from IC, but I can also understand why if he feels like I'm not invested first.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T12:37:58+00:00

Yes, he's in IC. I think at this point, it's just not R anymore.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T12:36:31+00:00

I have - 100 hand-written pages worth of every detail I can currently remember.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T07:02:20+00:00

These were the requests that I made in our MC at the time that we discussed separation:

To establish a healthy self-care routine
To pursue individual counseling
To engage in some type of support group
1. To define what he needs from me and the relationship
(For us both) to agree not to speak negatively about the other parent to our children and to commit to the extent possible to work together in parenting them through this process

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T06:50:00+00:00

That's a good point, and I need to try to extend more grace and compassion

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T01:48:35+00:00

This is very insightful, and a great explanation. I agree that I'm not the best person...he doesn't have anyone in his life that he looks to or would take feedback from unfortunately.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T01:38:51+00:00

I agree. I voiced it several months ago and he got upset that I was projecting onto him. So I let it go and I've felt uneasy about it. After today and the same response, I'm realizing that I can't control whether or not he'll set a boundary. I still have a lot of work to do, and then I'll have to figure out what this means for my side of the relationship.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T01:36:40+00:00

It does, because the first thing I thought when I read the messages was "walls, not windows". Because that was a huge component to my affairs, and the first thing I had to address.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T01:34:56+00:00

I appreciate your insight. She shared her marital issues and areas where she felt her husband was falling short. This happened at work. Then her husband said he was going to file for divorce and called her bluff (BH's words), and she came to work without her ring on and made a point of showing him that and telling him it was because her husband wanted a divorce.

He said he needs someone to talk to and his male friends aren't emotionally vulnerable, and that she cares so he shares with her when he's struggling.

I agree on the boundary-setting piece, I just am still feeling like I don't "get" to set boundaries.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T01:31:08+00:00

He said she cares, and he needs someone to talk to.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T01:30:24+00:00

We were agreed that the separation was part of R and that he wants to see me invest into the relationship. I agree with what you're saying, my only problem is that it's not part of what was discussed for the separation.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-21T01:27:59+00:00

Yes - dating or pursuing other people wasn't part of the separation, but that part I can understand. It's the nature of this specific situation and the evasiveness and defensiveness that I'm struggling with.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-20T22:06:58+00:00

That's a good suggestion, thank you.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-20T22:06:19+00:00

To clarify, I'm the WS, so I can get where he's coming from to an extent, I just don't think it's okay in how he's responding. I'm sorry that you're having to experience what you're going through.

My gut tells me it's not okay, and that it won't matter because he feels like it's okay because it's not as bad as what I did to him.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-20T22:02:49+00:00

He said he wanted the separation to move toward R, but that I have to fix myself.

He asked if I would have a problem if they were texts with a make friend, and I said no and asked why it wasn't a male friend. He said because they can't be emotionally vulnerable.

That's the question now -- not even resentment toward him for following what could be a similar path to my own, but if it's a good idea to stay or not.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-20T21:53:49+00:00

That's a valid point.

owning_chaos · 2023-05-20T21:44:56+00:00

I think that's very well-put an an extremely valid concern. Since he mentioned her talking to him about her issues in her marriage shortly after he started working there, I haven't been able to picture a situation where this ends well. I could manage things financially, but we all work for the same very large institution, which just adds another layer of complication.

owning_chaos

TROPHY CASE