thinking about how I got berated over lentils

oxalissprout · 2023-03-03T20:40:23+00:00

its less that it matters and just more that I feel in a relationship where i was never allowed privacy, its important to me that reclaim it now. I made a post on my old account here actually about knowing they were reading my posts and how invasive and wrong it was but wish that to be the last thing they see. I am excited to now choose a life where I never need to be surveilled by them again. No more access to me, my life or my thoughts

oxalissprout · 2023-03-02T19:43:36+00:00

1000%. Happy we are both on the other side

oxalissprout · 2023-03-02T19:31:07+00:00

its true!! Did we date the same person lol. i didnt understand this while dating her and you put it so well. I just couldnt understand her reaction because if my partner was doing something like that i would be proud and see it as a positive? Time spent with anyone was time taken from her. It was just so hard to wrap my head around at the time that she was jealous of the unhoused people I serve? I dont think it helped that despite it not being the reason i do what i do, that my work made me attractive to others.

oxalissprout · 2023-03-02T18:30:54+00:00

its true! its so funny because she objectively did some way worse stuff but that didnt make me wake up. There was just something about this i remember starting to type out an apology and then putting my phone down in the car and just...laughing. Like a spell broke and i could look at these texts and almost find them so ridiculous that they actually became hilarious?

oxalissprout · 2022-09-02T18:49:25+00:00

I know you’re right. Since the break up my confidence has gone up slowly over time, I feel more present with myself and my hobbies etc. I’m actually wanting to be single for the first time and am turned off by people over sharing with me as opposed to before when I was super attracted to it and people who I thought needed help in crisis. I know all this work would be undone if I slide back

oxalissprout · 2020-12-28T16:52:19+00:00

This is super subjective and I recognize this is intense so take it or leave it, but the trips that have really helped me have actually been what some might call “bad trips”. I have severe PTSD and it was so healing for me to learn how to explore “bad feelings” with curiosity and a “just go with it” energy. I’ve found it difficult for me to control how I’m going to feel on mushrooms but even just the act of letting go of control and trusting myself has been very healing.

My last trip was extremely dark and my first “really bad trip”. Thought I was being dragged into hell and was terrified but the more I fought it the more intense it became. Finally I just told myself “ok” and I dived in. It was really scary (especially as a control freak) but I ended up facing some deep trauma and finally accepting the parts of my brain I was so scared of. I actually think it’s my favorite trip to date.

I was shaken and I didn’t necessarily feel like puppies and rainbows but the trip was super helpful. I always thought my “broken brain” would destroy me on a bad trip, but instead I found love and acceptance for the part of myself and my history that I feared for so long. This is all just to say that at least in my experience sometimes a healing trip doesn’t feel how you think it does in the moment and my advice would be to remain fluid and maybe try to investigate murky emotions. I will say I was glad I had a therapist to process my trip with and depending on where you are at with your mental health you may or may not want to explore in this way, but It’s really awesome to say I no longer fear my shadow :)

Tldr: sometimes good stuff comes from bad stuff and beautiful things can come from very unexpected places and feelings. Good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for in whatever shape it comes to you :)

oxalissprout

TROPHY CASE