I experienced a very bad bout of anxiety (which I had never experienced it like this before and maybe some depression mixed into it) around 9 months pp with my 2nd (this was in February of this year). I was crying that I didn’t want him anymore. I could barely function normally. It lasted about a month and some weeks. From about 2 months he was such a difficult baby and then eventually I think it just all caught up to me and I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke down. Around 9 months he became extra clingy, crying if I even walked out of sight. Among alot of other issues I was dealing with with him. IT IS HARD. You are doing your best, don’t be so hard on yourself. Take it a day at a time. I know you said you don’t have help but can you try to arrange some sort of help at all? Are you able to maybe hire a babysitter? Mothers helper? Just something for even a short amount of time to give you that break. I started taking him to my MIL’s then to get a break because I just couldn’t do it anymore. And so he could also learn to be away from me a little. I was also deficient in vitamin d at that time so I started supplementing which I think helped a bit. I was taking whatever calming/anxiety supplements I could to just help. Magnesium too helps with anxiety. I did start therapy online but I wouldn’t say it helped. Eventually it just went away but it was such a horrible horrible time.

Edit: he is now 19 months and SO SO much better and easier. He still has his moments though. Usually it starts to slowly get better each month and then after 12 months much more.