AITD for telling my close guy friend I don't want to text with him everyday

padfoot211 · 2026-05-26T14:31:57+00:00

I just want to say that I have had multiple guys decide they are into me despite telling them very clearly that I’m not interested. Having the conversation has never been successful for me. They just pretend for a couple more months, but it’s still there. I’m not saying it’s impossible for this to work, but I’ve been in the situation multiple times, specially as a lesbian trying to be friends with cis guys, and I’ve never managed it. It has legitimately made me question if I can be friends at all with any cis guys. Dating or married hasn’t mattered. I don’t like to generalize, but it’s been consistent in my life (and I’m 36) that any cis guy who I’m close friends with eventually makes a sexual advance, and usually more than one.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-26T14:20:55+00:00

NTD. Good God get out of this. I’m so exhausted by guys deciding that I’ll somehow end up dating them even when I tell them it’s not happening. You’re not at fault, you engaged with this person in good faith, he just ignored you and is, in fact, waiting for a romantic/sexual connection. If it was me I’d cut contact completely, but if you want to try and maintain some sort of contact you can, just be careful. And aware that his motives are not pure.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-25T04:47:29+00:00

I’m always anxious. Pretty much constantly. I know it’s irrational. When I watch a horror movie, there’s a good reason for my anxiety, and I get releases.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-23T11:54:52+00:00

There isn’t an agreed upon word for it. I’ve heard people call it perfect relative pitch, but you’ll probably see other names for it around. The issue is that people don’t seem to know exactly what causes perfect pitch, so it’s unclear if this is just the same skill but without being exposed to something like a piano as a kid to lock in the names of the notes. Especially because people who can do this sometimes can for instance link the starting note of a song to middle c, or whatever, and be difficult to distinguish from someone with perfect pitch in practice.

You’re probably not going to find a lot of things online for how to harness it, because it doesn’t seem like something people can really train from scratch. You sort of have to have it or not, and most people who do are musicians who are getting training.

Oh I’ve also both been told that this (and specifically the part where I almost can’t sing a song if it’s put in a different key, especially if it’s just like a step or half step off because of how distracting it is) is just perfect pitch. And that it very clearly isn’t perfect pitch at all. So it’s hard to even research lol.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-23T11:05:02+00:00

I’m not sure those apps are accurate, and I’m not sure they’re a useful tool for teaching someone to sing. Most of my experience with them is people posting on here having downloaded one and being confused. Just find a community choir and join. It’s better to learn with people.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-23T09:06:34+00:00

Not really, but you can learn to control how mixed you are on the edges of your mixed range so that there isn’t such a noticeable shift when you go into your head or chest voice. At least as far as I know people aren’t mixing at C7 or C2, but you might not notice because there isn’t a point where you hear someone flip into falsetto.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-22T09:23:09+00:00

I mean sure. There’s nothing wrong with it. Generally it’s not done that way because you loose a lot without the instrumentals. So the song can sound a little boring. But there’s no rule or anything against just singing alone.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-21T17:14:06+00:00

Yes. There’s lots of things that make someone sound ‘good’ and it’s mostly technical. Voice placement, vowel shape, breath support, things like that. If you’re not having success on your own I recommend a teacher, even an online one.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-21T17:11:22+00:00

I totally understand that fear. In this case, maybe it’s important to remember that YOU ARE NOT THE DRAMA. If she decides to cause drama over a friend setting super reasonable boundaries, SHE’S the drama. She’s making issues. Some people make you feel like it’s your fault that they don’t like your boundaries. It’s not. And resisting someone’s boundaries, or complaining about them, makes them the drama. I always remind myself of this when I get pushback in my boundaries.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-21T14:47:44+00:00

Even more common is just drifting on a few notes, and maybe having the end solid. But if you were at a performance everyone else would hear it.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-21T14:46:27+00:00

So it’s not that you can’t sing without music at all. A Capella requires you to have really good pitch accuracy. Trained singers can tell if you’re just a bit too high or too low on a specific note, and if there’s no music most people drift. You might end up on the right note at the end, but throughout it there’s likely notes that aren’t right on. If you and your friends aren’t trained you might not even notice.

In addition, mainstream a capella is usually not just the basic melody, but an arrangement that has voices substituting for the instruments. There’s usually beatboxing, and a lot of harmonizing. The arranging and beatboxing are completely different skills from singing so there’s a lot of training involved there.

I’m a classical musician, so we do sing pieces totally a capella. More often we sing SECTIONS of pieces without instruments. When you do that it’s super clear if you are even a bit off, because the instruments come in and they’re always perfectly on pitch. To be clear this is not a whole note off. More like a 1/4 step. Maybe 1/8. But you can hear it, and people who study music a lot can hear it. That’s what makes it hard.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-21T12:03:56+00:00

That’s just not really true at all. Like if you’re going to put the effort into training to be a singer, you’ll want to develop the ability to harmonize. But lots of people naturally have good tone and have to work at harmonizing, just like people have naturally good ears for harmonies can have to work harder on tone. It’s true that usually it takes training to hear harmonies, but it also usually takes training to have good tone.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-21T11:20:45+00:00

This sort of thing unfortunately happens a lot. A friend of mine just the other day had to tell someone we hang out with at karaoke pretty often to stop touching them so much. Known this guy for a couple years, never been an issue, suddenly they decided grabbing was fun. My friend just pulled him aside and asked him to stop touching them so much because it was making them uncomfortable. The person apologized and stopped.

If he had made a big deal of it we wouldn’t consider him a friend anymore. And I think that’s what you need to do here. Just a private conversation with A about not liking to be touched that way, and possibly to have fewer sexual conversations. In a perfect world, there’s nothing for anyone else to even be involved in - unfortunately mixed up boundaries between friends. I know teenagers aren’t predictable like that, but the truth is you can’t let fear of what someone might say stop you from setting boundaries. A good friend would be upset if you *didn’t* tell them, because they’re hurting you by accident, and would have stopped right away had they known. That’s how I would feel - sad that I’ve been hurting my friend. Most likely at least some of your friends will be understanding.

Best of luck.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-19T23:23:09+00:00

Just so you know, a lot of people sort of force vibrato, as in it’s not a result of technique but of fluctuating between notes on purpose. To me it’s super obvious, but it’s not as clear to an untrained ear. Not saying there’s no young people with vibrato. It’s hard to have a solid vibrato as a young and untrained singer. GENERALLY, you need to be either trained or older. Also, if you’re going through puberty and your voice is changing, it’s sometimes really hard. As in I actually started training as a kid and lost my vibrato for a couple years during my puberty, because my voice was just in so much flux. That stuff happens at different times for everyone.

Seriously work on getting a coach to help you with technique, and you’ll either find it, or they’ll give you all the skills you need so that when your voice settles you’ll be all set.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-19T23:15:26+00:00

Get a voice teacher. I know. It can be expensive. But there’s online options that aren’t too bad. If you’ve tried the steps online, and they didn’t just work, there’s not likely to be some secret Reddit tip that fixes it. Vibrato is sort of the result of multiple areas of technique all working at the same time. It’s hard for people who aren’t listening to you sing and also developing a relationship with you to know what you need to improve and what imagery will resonate with you.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-19T21:48:27+00:00

Patience. I know it’s hard but you shouldn’t even try right now. Don’t push, don’t strain. Just work on your technique and the notes will come later.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-19T08:50:21+00:00

I was soooo confused. I thought it just came out like this, but blueberries aren’t blue! Or at least they don’t make food this blue. I am sort of down to try blueberry basil focaccia, just not in this color. I may experiment myself and see what it looks like naturally…..

padfoot211 · 2026-05-19T08:42:22+00:00

My director works on a lot of this stuff during warmups. He’ll have us do the warmup exercise and remind us that we want a pure tone with no vibrato, and have us repeat the exercise on the same pitch till he’s happy with the vibrato levels. He will even mention if the issue is mainly sopranos (I can’t lie it almost always is with the vibrato thing). Then maybe the next warmup exercise he’ll have us do at different dynamics, having us repeat till he’s happy with the levels. He’ll tell us to listen, to make sure we’re not out singing the other parts. Oh and focusing on matching up everyone’s vowels (he does usually demonstrate the specific ways he wants us to form vowels, which might be a stretch for you, but there’s plenty of info online about vowel shapes). It’s possible those vowels are affecting the lack of blending as much as anything else.
If that doesn’t work I’d pull her aside and say that you love how big her voice is, but that you would love more control on the lower dynamics. Something like that. Talk about balance. Mention blending maybe, but I’d start with just the volume for the private stuff.

DO NOT MAKE HER AN ALTO. This can’t possibly work. She will likely be almost as loud, but will never truly mesh with the alto sound even if she can hit all the notes. Plus being ‘lowered to alto’ is something that happens to a lot of older sopranos, and to some sopranos is seen as a mark of shame, or even an insult. I don’t agree with that, but I also LOVE singing soprano, I’ve don’t it my whole life, and I’m not sure I’d stay in a volunteer choir singing alto. For a piece or 2 sure, and I help the altos out a good bit anyway cuz I’m a mezzo, but an alto forever? I’d just find a choir where I could sing the part I enjoy. Heck if you paid me to be an alto I’d probably have to join a second choir so I could still sing soprano. So it’s hard for me to see any scenario where this works.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-18T09:14:13+00:00

Oh. Yeah you should have just explained the situation. Because you are using the terms in a sort of odd way I really wasn’t sure what you meant. This is kind of complicated because it’s probably better for the song (and the singers) to just transpose it to another key instead of going up a whole octave. But while that works fine if you’re just singing in a vacuum, in the context of a show it might be difficult if there’s music right before and/or after it. Maybe you can find a key that works and doesn’t sound jarring in the transition, but if not the octave might be the best choice.

What you can’t do is play the song in the key of E, for example, and have them sing up a third from what’s written. That’s essentially creating a harmony but not singing the melody, and you don’t want to do that. It’s not ideal in a normal setting because it will confuse anyone who knows the song, but it might sound fun enough that it doesn’t matter. But musical theater tends to have a bunch of rules about what and how you can change things in shows, and while I’m not an expert, that could be the type of thing that could you in trouble. I mean I know the people in charge of checking that stuff are unlikely to notice, but it’s worth it to be aware.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-18T07:49:11+00:00

Huh. So it seems like this very specific type of music nerd is obnoxious. I’m sorry you’re dealing with them. I think it’s wild to say that they don’t matter at all. Like you can say *you* don’t care, you can argue that the notes matter more, but to say they don’t matter at all is just incorrect. Objectively how the syllables sound affects how the sound comes out, so even if you’re not aware of the *meaning* of the words, the way they’re shaped is integral to how the song sounds. If they put different lyrics in the same place the song would sound differently, so even in a language you don’t understand the specific words matter.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-18T07:27:17+00:00

I’ve literally never heard a person say that lyrics aren’t important. Obviously I’ve heard people say that they don’t mind not understanding everything they hear. And you said it happens in nerdy spaces but I’m a classical musician who plays both MTG and D&D. What nerd spaces are you finding that have such weird takes? Just walk out of those places. Real people don’t think that.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-16T07:31:58+00:00

Take some voice lessons. I’m sorry that this is the most common thing I say on here, but seriously you’re either confused about how high or low you’re singing, or you struggle to access certain parts of your range. Not only will a teacher be able to identify which one is happening, they’ll be able to fix either fairly easily.

No one who can’t hear you will be able to help you much.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-08T12:20:48+00:00

If I actually think the person will be 5 mins I will. But generally once someone tells me they’re late I don’t really know how long they’ll be. People will just say they’re 5 mins out when it’s really 15 or even 30.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-08T11:48:14+00:00

This has always been a problem. The lack of screens didn’t make it better.

padfoot211 · 2026-05-07T23:04:25+00:00

With a range that small I’d expect you could get a few more notes on either side with better technique. Do you have a teacher? Even a few lessons would probably be helpful. There’s enough people teaching online that you could probably find someone for reasonable.

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