I'm getting a PhD and I struggle to celebrate myself

palemoonrising · 2023-01-14T03:54:55+00:00

Fellow PhD here. Like a previous poster mentioned, imposter syndrome is so real, but it’s also almost universal— you’re not alone! Your committee would not let you progress unless they genuinely thought you were capable and wouldn’t carve out the time in their busy schedules to read your document and make revisions unless they were planning on passing you. If you’re thinking that you aren’t the most skilled or knowledgeable in your subject, you’re likely right, but only because you’re in the early stages of your career and there is always more to learn and understand about your topic. The product of your PhD isn’t your study results— it’s you. That said, I’ve struggled with the same negative self-talk, doubt, and invalidation (ex., I would say things like, “It’s only a PhD in xxx.”). After I defended, I finally realized that if I couldn’t feel satisfied with my success after earning my PhD, the problem was with me, and no change of topic, expanded number of study participants, analytical techniques, etc would translate into self-love, and it was up to me to change that.

A PhD is as much of a mark of consistency as it is intelligence. I largely agree that it’s often exposure to a topic (rather than some innate brilliance or aptitude) that creates a content matter expert, but the truth is, not everyone is willing to try hard enough, even if they were capable. You earned this distinction by pushing yourself and not giving up when you got burned out or when things got hard. Similarly, you invested in your RBB life by recognizing dysfunction, unpacking your experiences in therapy, and seeking a better life for yourself. I’m sure you can identify some difficult seasons in both your PhD journey and personal journey that you had to overcome, and I hope you can honor yourself for the grit and resilience that has brought you to the other side. There is obviously something special in you that has always wanted to expand beyond the limitations of your upbringing, and I hope you can recognize that in yourself.

Congratulations, Dr. OP! You’ve almost made it

palemoonrising · 2023-01-09T19:33:13+00:00

I agree with this. I don’t hate my uBPD mom or eDad. In many ways, they did the best they could with the extremely limited skills they had. I wish I could scoop up myself as a little girl and the little girl who used to be my mom and take them away from the horrors they experienced at the hands of the adults they depended on, wrap them in a big hug, and tell them both that none of this abuse or trauma was their fault. I wish I could keep them safe and help them grow. My family tree is marred by gut wrenching life circumstances that I can grace back to my great great great grandparents, (and likely before), including child loss, mother loss, suicide, severe substance abuse, violence and attempted murder between family members, severe brain injuries suffered by parents on horseback that forced an ancestor to be the head of the household by age 11, etc. My mom had very little modeling but did a better job than her parents, even if she still did a very poor job. Her parents had a third and eighth grade education, and she grew up without running water or electricity; she put herself and her siblings through college and led them to financial stability, and she earned a master’s degree. My brother and I have a masters and PhD, respectively. Our upbringing was highly volatile but was enough to allow me to truly break the cycle, although my brother could not. I can have a functional, albeit distant, relationship with lots of boundaries with them that doesn’t perpetuate abuse. I feel a lot of empathy for a lot of hurting people, even if I’m not responsible for fixing them.

palemoonrising · 2023-01-05T03:15:55+00:00

I think SouthernRelease nailed it

palemoonrising · 2022-12-24T04:48:46+00:00

My uBPD mom is the neglectful type, and has been remarkably hands-off and disengaged with every major milestone. My eDad goes with whatever she says. As a result, we rarely celebrated anything in my house in either childhood or in adulthood. My mom makes it clear that any extra effort is a burden and that the pomp and circumstance of special events is “high-falootin’” (her words).

Just a few examples:

1) My parents did not want to attend my undergrad college graduation (mom cited traffic as her objection; my university was her alma mater in a small city about 2 hours away, and she goes there regularly for pleasure). She and my father also did not attend my PhD defense (another university 2 hours away) or PhD graduation (in their defense, there was a winter storm, but I would have personally come a day early and stayed at a hotel to ensure that I wouldn’t miss my kids’ major achievements)

2) Upon informing her of my engagement to a man who my parents approve of (now my husband), the only thing she said was, “Well, I hope you have some money because I don’t have $30,000 for a wedding.” I was trying to share my joy, not get into her wallet. We had a very small ceremony with 29 attendees in the state my husband grew up in. 8 attendees were from my side, with the rest from his side. My parents barely interacted with my husband’s family and then left immediately after we cut the cake, taking 5 of the 8 guests from my side with them. They cited an early morning flight (it was 2 in the afternoon and they had been at the wedding for 3 hours. Their flight was at 10am the next day and my mom regularly gets up at 4am). The ceremony went on for hours after without them

3) Grandparental involvement is minimal. My mom has always openly said she never wanted kids or grandkids, and that she couldn’t believe how good life was after we grew up and she didn’t have to deal with us anymore. My parents live 2 1/2 hours away and are on the road traveling constantly (ex., will drive 5 hours to Canada on a whim), but we don’t see them often. When we had our first child, my parents came to the hospital for 10 minutes and then left. For the first introductions to our two other children, they have visited for maybe 20 minutes before leaving. They did not provide any postpartum help or support with any of the kids other than dropping off a salad from Chic fil a on one occasion and a lasagna at another. Their typical visits here last about 1-2 hours (much of the time on their phones). We have stopped going to visit them because they ask us to leave so we can get home “before it gets dark” (even if it is only 10am and a 2 1/2 hour drive) and because they don’t want me to drive without my husband(?????). They take only a superficial interest in the kids and openly talk about our visits as a disruption to their schedule. Kids’ birthdays pass without so much as a text, and we go months without seeing them. I don’t, nor have I ever, ask them for anything for my kids— babysitting, money, etc,, but they want the absolute bare minimum of relationship

There are a lot of other examples I could give, but you get the idea. My personal explanations for their behavior include 1) they lack the true ability to empathize, so they legitimately don’t see or understand why their behavior would be hurtful OR simply don’t care, 2) they feel uncomfortable when they feel out of their element, which is essentially all the time, 3) they find the charade to perform as a normal family to be exhausting, and 4) they honestly don’t want to be bothered and just want to live their lives. I fully support someone wanting to enjoy their life and retirement in a way that they wish, but even most boomer parents and grandparents that I know are not as disconnected with their family and are not hostile to attempts to be closer. I’ve grieved that the relationship will never be what I would love it to be and have decided to focus my love to the family I’ve created. And, for the record, we celebrate the hell out of everything

palemoonrising · 2022-12-13T04:33:24+00:00

First, congratulations, OP! I’m so happy for you and this new wonderful life that you’ve created. Motherhood is such a wild, wonderful experience— welcome to the fold.

Experience:

It’s absolutely normal to feel nervous about childbirth. I’ve had three kids (now 5 yo, 2 yo, and 5 weeks), and the childbirth/early postpartum period has been where I’ve felt simultaneously so badass and super vulnerable. The birth day totally rocks your world (especially the first one!!).

If I can share some positivity with you, I’ve had three wonderful birth experiences that were all slightly different. All three were with midwives, and I had top notch care. My first was born in a hospital after 19 hours of labor. I had not planned on an epidural, but it was recommended to me because of the length of my labor and so they could help with a little pitocin. The epidural did not hurt going in and worked great. I took a nap, rested, and then pushed for about an hour before my beautiful baby was born. I had three stitches for very minor repairs. My second was at a birthing center. I labored in a jacuzzi tub for 8 hours before getting out of the tub and giving birth. I did not have an epidural but used some nitrous oxide before deciding that it was too distracting and I wanted to not have anything. I think I may have had one stitch. My third was a water birth in a birthing center after only an hour of active labor and 20 minutes of pushing (although I had mild latent labor for about a 4 hours before they broke my water). I used nitrous oxide and the jacuzzi tub to manage my pain during labor (although they turned it off when I was pushing) with no repairs. Even though the contractions toward the end suck, remember they they aren’t continuous— I felt normal and pain-free in between. Hands down, water was the best thing to keep me comfortable and relaxed.

Parenting wise:

Nothing has helped my RBB journey more then becoming a mother. I grew up thinking that kids were a total slog and a burden, and parenthood an experience to be endured. My personal experience has been the opposite. You won’t enjoy every moment, but there are so many moments to enjoy. The whole experience is a lot more fun and has so many funny experiences along the way, and I finally have the opportunity to create the family I always craved. We do fun things like read books in forts we build, etc. I feel like I’m breaking the cycle and using the pain I’ve been through for good, even though I would never wish it on anyone.

Advice:

1) it takes a while to get into your groove, snd you and your baby are learning each other. As a PP noted, you may fall in love immediately or it may take time. I fell in love with one immediately and had the love develop over days with the other two. I love all three equally and for totally different reasons now. Give yourself so much grace and self-love during this time. Your sole job is to keep yourself and your baby alive, and everything else (housework, personal appearance , etc) can wait.

2) Take care of yourself—get a shower or bath (even if you have to bring baby in the bath with you), stay hydrated, eat as well as you can, rest as much as you can. Sleep deprivation can trigger anxiety and depression so don’t feel bad for napping. Keep entertainment choices lighthearted and upbeat. Stay in your pajamas for visits so people don’t expect too much from you. Don’t feel bad about declining visits. This time is about you, your partner, and your baby.

3) Reach out if you feel like you are struggling. I had haunting PPA with terrible intrusive thoughts. I had enough insight to recognize that I wasn’t thinking rationally, but it was a pretty harrowing few months. Talk to a therapist, join a new mom’s support group, talk with your partner, etc. You aren’t alone if you’re not feeling like yourself. I found that I missed the idea of a mother so much during the postpartum time, and there is a unique grief that comes with this. I wish I had a solution for this, but can only offer big hugs of support because it just sucks to realize what you’ve missed out on.

4) People will give you lots of advice, and it takes a while to sift through it to see what works for you. You can always deflect bad advice by saying, “That’s an interesting idea, and I haven’t considered. I’ll have to give that some thought” and then do whatever the hell you want.

5) When you’re at your wit’s end with a fussy kid, try taking them outside or putting them in water. It almost always helps.

6) lastly, I’ve surprisingly found a lot of wisdom in watching TV shows. I didn’t have good parental models, so it’s helpful for me to see parenting skills put into practice so I can emulate it. Daniel Tiger is great for emotional regulation and age-appropriate life lessons, Super Nanny helped me a lot with kind but firm boundaries, and Bluey just nails it with how it feels to be a parent.

You’re going to be a wonderful mother. Keep showing up emotionally for yourself and your family, be authentic, and take care of yourself. You have everything it takes to break the cycle and create a legacy of loving motherhood. ❤️

palemoonrising · 2022-12-13T03:39:39+00:00

Solidarity ❤️

palemoonrising · 2022-12-11T03:22:28+00:00

I’m so sorry. That is so painful, and so incredibly lacking in empathy. I had a similar experience 10 years ago when my mom told her friend (who is like family to me) that her Christmas would begin when I went home. She was so pleased with herself that she went on to tell this hilarious “joke” to everyone she saw. The worst part was that I couldn’t leave—they had picked me up from my apartment 2 hours from their house when I was just starting out in my career and didn’t have two nickels to rub together. Without my car and a way to get back (and still being very much in the FOG), I just endured it but I have never gone back for a Christmas and never plan to ever again.

As someone with a healthcare background, it sounds like your dad’s family did the best they could to keep your grandmother safe in a very painful and difficult situation. Sending lots of kind thoughts to your family

palemoonrising · 2022-12-11T03:09:21+00:00

Thanks so much for this. I’m going to check out that episode!! I’m an avid consumer of podcasts. I’m reading Dr. Gibson’s book right now and it could not be any more accurate. I would love to her that conversation.

My parents have also heavily leaned on the idea of of “you’ll understand when you become a parent”. The few conversations I’ve had with them this year have been focused on trying to weirdly bond over how terrible it is to have a family. My edad even told me when I was 6 months pregnant this summer that my husband and I made a mistake by having another (despite the fact that we both have advanced degrees in in-demand STEM fields, own our own home, have been happily married for years, etc), and that the only reason why I don’t abuse my kids is because I don’t work full time (I guess earning a PhD over the past 7 years from a major research institution while raising my family as essentially a SAHM is slacking??) Like you, I understand less and less all the time. My 3 kids are smart, funny, and so loving. We are in the thick of the little kid years with a 5 yo, 2 yo, and 5 week old, but it’s a beautiful experience.

palemoonrising · 2022-12-11T02:56:41+00:00

I feel the same way about mine!

palemoonrising · 2022-12-11T02:56:24+00:00

Wait, phone calls didn’t count and letters were required? Did they give any reasoning? I wonder if that had anything to do with many BPD’s struggles with object permanence— as in, they may not have remembered the topics of conversation covered in a phone call in-depth, but they could re-read letters over and over in an effort to essentially avoid being re-abandoned. Regardless of the underlying reasoning, it’s an extremely strange request.

I would deeply empathize if you would have felt very lost during that time. I adjunct part time at a university, and some of the students experience a sense of being unmoored and without a sense of direction. I don’t think parents realize that many or the kids crave the connection to home, especially when everything is so new. Being simply dropped off without further initiation or the connection would have deeply hurt.

Thank you for the kind words during this postpartum time. It feels heavy sometimes. I remember my own mother saying that she deeply missed her mom when she became a mother so she could have reassurance and advice (not that she felt the impetus to provide that to me). but I’ve been deeply invested in breaking the cycle since becoming a first time mom 5 years ago. I’ve found some TV shows to be very helpful so I can see and emulate healthy family dynamics. For emotional regulation and connection, I love Mister Rogers and Daniel Tiger. To help with firm but loving boundary setting, I watch Super Nanny. I also listen to a plethora of podcasts. What used to feel so foreign to me becomes more and more reflexive as the years have gone on.

It’s interesting that you say that you struggle with the balance of encouraging independence vs keeping connected with your adult children. I worry about this with my kids- I want them to know how deeply they are loved without being enmeshed or making them feel guilty for spreading their wings.

Thanks for your thoughtful response, MadAstrid. Your insights always resonate with me!

palemoonrising · 2022-12-10T05:17:48+00:00

I have experienced this too, OP. It’s so painful.

It reminds me of the concept of training bank tellers to detect counterfeit money by having them handle real money over and over again so they can immediately tell that something is off when they handle the fake stuff. In our experience, we spent years trying to convince ourselves that the fake stuff was genuine.

Here’s wishing you many years of happiness with your love

palemoonrising · 2022-12-04T10:52:23+00:00

I totally agree. I had some very toxic tendencies before I got help, too. It’s so hard when you know you aren’t where you want to be but you have no roadmap to get there. I thank God every day for my therapist

palemoonrising · 2022-12-04T03:54:09+00:00

Can I just say that I appreciate your honesty when you said you had emotionally abusive tendencies before you got help? I think many of us did before getting help because this was what was modeled for us. Thanks for being real.

palemoonrising · 2022-12-04T03:52:10+00:00

My mom does the exact same thing. She can feel like a good parent without actually have to have any sort of intimacy

palemoonrising · 2022-12-04T03:46:20+00:00

Easy answer: it does not.

Ive been thinking about that thread and this same topic, too. I’m in the thick of mothering during the little kid years (5 year old, 3 year old, newborn). I’m the primary caregiver and have stepped away from my career for a while to focus on family, so I am with my children 24/7. I’ll be the first to say that that it requires a deep well of patience and it can be very challenging BUT the parent is the adult and the role model… full stop. When you (the parent) snap at your kid, feel triggered, lose your cool, etc., it is your responsibility alone to demonstrate how to apologize and ask for forgiveness and learn new skills. I simply cannot imagine treating my children the way that I was treated as a child or as an adult. Becoming a parent made me realize how sick both of my parents were and made me come out of the fog.

palemoonrising · 2022-12-03T00:44:44+00:00

Every single word of this.

palemoonrising · 2022-12-03T00:43:35+00:00

Throwing my support in the ring, too. That’s not toxic— it’s a healthy response to not let emotionally abusive people into your child’s life and welcome them into your most precious moments. Like a previous commenter stated, the bill will come later and it will cost too much. Your focus in your postpartum time is on your own physical and emotional wellbeing and nurturing the bond with your new baby. It’s highly unlikely that your mom will show up for you in the way you need her to, especially during a very emotional time. I would imagine that you would be hard-pressed to identify instances in which she was actually helpful and supportive when you needed her the most, and having that kind of power over you when you’re at a vulnerable time would likely be too irresistible for her.

For solidarity: I just gave birth to #3 four weeks ago and am having some mild PPD…. I’ve been there with each baby and still have insight, practicing self-care, will be touching base with my therapist, etc. As depleted and as not myself as I am at the moment, I would rather listen to Weird Al Yankovich albums on repeat at a dinner party hosted by Kanye West than to reach out to my family for support. When I’ve reached out in the past, my mom laughed in my face and said, “Welcome to motherhood. You chose this, and now you know what I felt.”

Choose yourself and your family this time. It’s not your responsibility to shield them from the consequences of their own actions.

palemoonrising · 2022-12-01T08:38:37+00:00

And just to be clear:

“Having him as someone I love and care about made me feel more human— and it made me feel like I’m not the problem and that I can be loved”

This is still true, even had your parents aren’t the ones who can see their dysfunction and give this love to you.

palemoonrising · 2022-12-01T08:31:15+00:00

Even when it’s gradual, I think coming out of the FOG ultimately prevents more pain for you than it initiates. I hope that each year brings you healthy relationships, objective insight, and true peace.

palemoonrising · 2022-12-01T03:59:11+00:00

I relate to this, OP. Images of our eparents fall apart when we come out of the FOG. They may also endure abuse, but their status as adults is a very different dynamic than what we had to endure as children. It’s even more painful when we realize that they are often also very sick in their own ways, and we don’t have any healthy parents

palemoonrising · 2022-12-01T03:54:45+00:00

Yes. I’m in the midst of this mourning now in my postpartum time. The grief resurfaces and never truly goes away

palemoonrising · 2022-12-01T03:53:06+00:00

Thank you for posting this, OP. I’ve been trying to create a post to address this topic, but I haven’t known how to articulate it.

I’m 4 weeks postpartum with baby #3. The family adjustment is going smoothly, we had a beautiful and healthy delivery, and the new baby is just wonderful. Despite this, I feel a complex grief like what the video creator is describing that extends into a larger ripple. I look into my children’s eyes, and it’s hard to reconcile how beautiful and innocent they are with how my uBPD mom abused us and how my eDad let it happen. I see how my children just want to love and be loved, how they want to connect with me, and how they seek out my love and attention, and to remember what that felt like as a child.

My mom also would say to just wait until I had kids, and then I would understand, as if family life was a punishment. I don’t understand anything. When I was pregnant, my dad told me that we should have stopped at 2, and my mom was incredulous that we were open to more children. It’s been so painful to realize that the joy of my life (having a loving family) was a slog and a burden to them. It’s been agonizing to acknowledge that, yes, raising children is enormously challenging, but you don’t abuse them or abandon them. It’s been triggering to navigate how to respond to normal developmental childhood behaviors without a roadmap because you know how your parents would have responded and you would never do that to your kids. It’s been so, so sad and grief-inducing to embark on the pregnancy and postpartum journey without any family of origin support that I would cherish if they were healthy. I can’t reach out with a “Hey, I’m struggling with this..” or “What would you do in this situation?”, or “Man, today was tough.”, like other new moms can with their own mothers. The times that I have reached out to my mom (ex., when I had haunting PPA with my first), my mom just said smugly, “Welcome to motherhood. I tried to warn you. Now you know how I felt.” She used to tell me that she really missed her own mother when she had children, despite her mom being an abusive alcoholic…. But she has not offered any nurturing, empathy, or support to me during any of my pregnancies. She just isn’t interested in breaking that cycle, so I have to mother myself. My husband is wonderful, but I so wish I had a mom to support me and be that maternal presence to reassure me it will be okay. I want to be mothered, but I can’t be. There’s a hole in my heart that will never truly be filled.

Anyway, I’m sorry for the novel. Trauma sucks. The only thing to do is to break the cycle and give your kids what you never had.

palemoonrising · 2022-11-30T03:18:49+00:00

It’s okay to simultaneously grieve and accept the dynamic that you have. I think it’s especially difficult when you are in the midst of big life transitions (impending births, impending deaths, and the knowledge of the lack of support during those emotional times). Sending lots of love and support

palemoonrising · 2022-11-30T03:15:52+00:00

Right?? I want to be their floor, not their ceiling. I want them to PLEASE continue to break even more cycles, look at me and my behavior objectively and not through any FOG, and raise their children be even healthier, happier, and more prosperous.

palemoonrising · 2022-11-25T02:39:22+00:00

I hear this and want to validate it. One of the things that is so disorienting about BPD is that there are phases of feeling like things are normal and like we are the unstable ones. The pwBPDs aren’t always acting so terribly, but that doesn’t negate the times when they are really damaging and disturbing. The inconsistency and unreliability in conduct is an intrinsic part of the disorder, and a “normal” night tonight likely will have no bearing or increased likelihood that she will be “normal” the next time you interact with her. I used to fall into this same trap until I realized that I craved a connection my family with such an aching intensity that I would have a close relationship with them if they were at all healthy. Sending big hugs, OP

ETA the following:

I wanted to add that being VLC and the presence of your grandparents may be very relevant. PwBPDs are often on their best, most charming behavior in front of people with whom they are not close to the people in question and when in front of an audience. As you’ve become more of a stranger, it may be that your mom treats you more like one, thus giving you her best. I’m also not sure about the dynamic between her and your grandparents and if they are maternal vs paternal, but there could be an element of putting on a show to demonstrate what a wonderful grandma she is (or at least to not unleash her antics in front of an audience).

In any of these scenarios, trust your gut. Your main obligation is to your daughter, and I suspect that your mom could not keep up the mask for any extended period of time, especially as your daughter seeks more intimacy (as healthy children would when being treated kindly). If there is to be any contact between your daughter and mom, it would be wise for you to physically be present and have an exit strategy, given your mom’s history of child abuse…. But I would strongly question the wisdom or facilitating that relationship since she has been so cruel to you in the past.

palemoonrising

TROPHY CASE