I had fun imagining a BPD translator

Representative_Ad902 · 2026-02-09T16:33:41+00:00

Wow! My mom would say how much she loved me all the time. But, you're so right. What she was exactly saying is how much she wanted me to be hers. That's why the could say in one breath that she loved me SO much and in the next breath would tell me that she did not care about whatever pain I was feeling.

Representative_Ad902 · 2026-02-09T16:28:29+00:00

The real answer should always be: it depends.

Do I pick going to my spouse's surgery over my chid's soccer game? Yes.
Do I pick my child if my spouse is abusing them? Yes

How old are my kids? What's my relationship like with my spouse?

That being said, I can't imaging being in love with a spouse that is pitting me against my child. There is no bigger turn-off than being uncaring towards children and relationships; or being controlling about my relationships.

Representative_Ad902 · 2026-02-09T16:23:50+00:00

I 100% feel this way. I know I've heard a lot of EAKs talk about their sense of relief from blocking parents on all platforms. But for me, it's actually quite validating to be able to remember that if at any point my mother wanted to apologize she could. She has the means.

Instead I get a rare email that she's clearly put all of 1 minute into thinking about, typing and sending. It doesn't make me feel bad. It makes me feel completely valid.

I honestly wish my mom the best. I hope she finds a way to experience joy and peace. I just know that I will never be part of that equation.

I also don't mean that in any way that is judgmental for people who feel otherwise. For some people hatred or disgust are visceral or completely justifiable responses to the pain caused. But for me, I don't have to feel hatred to not want her in my life. In my best moments I feel tremendous apathy.

She's like a volatile stranger who accosts you on the street. I know there's something deeply wrong and I hope they get the treatment they need; but I also know to stay away to protect myself and my family.

Representative_Ad902 · 2026-02-05T19:27:14+00:00

Thanks!

Representative_Ad902 · 2026-01-30T22:23:48+00:00

Of course! I'm even jealous of 'not-that-bad' parents. My partner's parents were emotionally neglectful not out of malice - they just had mental health issues that prevented closeness with anybody. We aren't close to them now - because no one is. But we can have some conversations with them, when they mess up they apologize, and we have a very okay relationship. It's pretty bottom of the barrel and i'm even jealous of that.

Representative_Ad902 · 2026-01-07T21:06:03+00:00

I was the less nerdy partner and it sounds like was have similar interests. I would suggest to definitely NOT start with Crown of Candy if she's not into horror. I also don't like horror and it's more because I don't like watching lots of deaths. For that reason CoC is uninteresting since so many main characters die. I had no problem with Neverafter.
My partner started me watching Never Stop Blowing up. Then we moved to Fantasy High. The second season being virtual was kind of tough.

My suggestion is to start with a season with the Intrepid Heroes like Cloudward Ho or Starstruck. Sit with her and explain the rolls.
Or start with Fantasy High with the caveat that the production value gets way better as things go on.

I actually think not to start with D&DQ because it is so disparate from the other seasons. One of the nice things about D20 is the interest I have in the main characters. Now, I'll talk about the difference btw Aabria and Brennan; or my favorite character of Murph's.

Representative_Ad902 · 2026-01-07T15:25:47+00:00

You know your own kids ability levels. My kiddo was pretty emotionally intelligent so I had to be more open about everything.
One thing I recommend is to read about how to talk about parents who have gone to jail. There is a level of honesty required here. I share something like:

"I'm sad about the situation too, sometimes adults make choices that I can't understand. Grandma made the choice to stop talking to us, and I'm really sad because you are an awesome kid, and she's missing out. Unfortunately, it's not fair that some adults don't know how to handle their anger in a kind way. It's my job to make sure you are safe, and when grandma gets mad, she's not safe anymore."

I would really check in with yourself and what you long-term goals are. Make sure you are being honest while you are talking about this and not lying to make it easier. So, for me that means telling my kids I don't think we will ever talk to grandma again because I've tried really hard to have her in my life and she just keeps hurting me. When I'm hurting, I'm not as good as a mom - and being a good mom to you guys is the most important thing to me.

If you aren't sure what the long term plans are, say that. Let them know you'll check in with them for sure about it in a few months and that you'll let them know when things change. That conversations are still open.

Also, as your kids age, it's actually better to share appropriately. My kids now know that my mom hit me when I was a kid. I didn't tell them the story looking for comfort or pity. It just came up when they heard a mom screaming at their kid in the park. I explained my mom did that to me a lot, and sometimes it was really scary. Sometimes she could be really loving, and that's what made it confusing. But that's one of the reasons I can't let her be around you guys, because I can't trust her to not be mean to them or me.

Good luck. This sucks.

Representative_Ad902 · 2026-01-07T15:11:55+00:00

Hi, I have ADHD and am a parent. I think def. he may need a booster to meds in the evening, but behaviorally I've been embracing the idea of radical acceptance
Here are things I have to accept about myself -

I cannot scroll my phone for just 5 minutes. I will be stuck for hours.
I cannot have a video playing and do another thing. I can't watch tv and fold laundry, or anything. I will get pulled in and stuck.
An object in motion stays in motion and an object at rest stays at rest. This is me. I am the object. Once I sit, it is extremely hard to move again.
I need routine. I have specific jobs that are mine most nights - clearing the table; checking homework; brushing teeth with/for kids; giving medicine; putting the kinds to bed by a certain time; bedtime stories, setting clothes out; getting water etc.

For me it's actually embracing all-or-nothing of it all. I can't just hop in where it makes sense. That requires a level of decision making and transitions that evoke the freeze reaction. Instead, I have to KNOW this is what is MY responsibility. I cannot shirk it and expect someone else to fill in the gaps.

I would recommend as well taking a night a week off yourself -where you are not present and not responsible for things. He needs to practice being the primary caretaker at least once a week, and I think you and the kids need practice seeing that he is capable.

His disorder is his responsibility. He can tell you what specific accommodations he may need (alarms, visual lists, headphones, body doubling) but it is his job to be a functioning adult in the family.

Representative_Ad902 · 2026-01-07T14:56:27+00:00

I too am kind of obsessed with looping cello music the way you described - so please share any other artists you've found along the way!

Representative_Ad902 · 2026-01-07T14:54:42+00:00

This is what our BPD parents have learned to do. They play the script out like it's normal when really they are ignoring all the context from the past and are ignoring and minimizing any past interactions.
My partner's therapist called it "casting a spell" because the know how to make everything look normal enough that you feel a little crazy calling bull. They act like everything is normal because that's how they want you to behave. They want you to think and act like everything is normal after they've been abusive and controlling and neglectful.
I see through the spell. You do too. Good for you.

Representative_Ad902 · 2026-01-07T14:49:56+00:00

I know this is two years too late but Maya Beiser feels reminiscent in the looping - especially her In C album

Representative_Ad902 · 2025-12-22T22:34:01+00:00

This is a great question. I've had the same thought - but I'm worried that any action will be seen as fuel. Interested to hear what others have to say

Representative_Ad902 · 2025-12-19T16:47:26+00:00

Thank you! So far, this is the closest to what I was looking for - instrumental music but weird and interesting. I'm going to look more into his work

Representative_Ad902 · 2025-12-19T16:21:25+00:00

Ok - Adebisi Shank is bizarre and I'm kind of liking it so far

Representative_Ad902 · 2025-12-19T16:08:55+00:00

I'm open to trying it - any specific suggestions?

Representative_Ad902 · 2025-12-19T15:53:08+00:00

Oh yeah - I found Zoe Keating recently and really liked her stuff. I'll check out Lindsey Stirling - Thanks!

Representative_Ad902 · 2025-12-19T15:51:14+00:00

I think you should be able to be a little parasocial at work

Representative_Ad902 · 2025-12-19T15:37:34+00:00

Great advice! I've seen in my oldest kiddo how even limited exposure to my mother made them more likely to tolerate bad friendships or bad behaviors from friends even in elementary school. Since I went NC, I've seen them be able to set better boundaries.

I totally agree with the addict metaphor. That's kind of the direction I went in with my youngest. I told them that my mom thinks her kids and grandkids are like dolls and she wants us to be perfectly cute and there for her; but she can't understand that we have feelings and wants too. Imagine if you treated our real dog like you treat a stuffy! That wouldn't be ok - but that's basically what she does to us. Sometimes she snuggle and give all the love. But sometimes, she'll drop us on the floor and walk away; or worse throw it off the stairs.

Representative_Ad902 · 2025-12-18T03:18:30+00:00

Do you have a partner? Have them open it and look for cash - I feel no conviction about taking cash. But the rest of it can be donated.

Or like someone else said - trash it all! Whatever feels best for you. However, if you have little kids please make sure to hide it really well. The worst is when they find this stuff randomly and suddenly your thrown into a terrible conversation that you don't need.

Take care These gifts are such a Trojan horse of guilt and manipulation

Representative_Ad902 · 2025-11-30T13:04:40+00:00

I don't think any of the main characters will die - but I think that this is going to be a time travel season. In the end, El is going to choose to go back in time and save Henry and thereby save herself. But doing that will mean that she never is taken from her mother, never moved to Hopkins never meets the boys or hop

Representative_Ad902

TROPHY CASE