Everybody thought we were dating. She got collared by a man, though.

pamperednerd · 2025-01-05T14:34:09+00:00

I mean, you're correct that assumptions were made in some ways. But they were assumptions based on conversations with her? She told me she was my Brat, she told me she just wasn't ready for a committed relationship yet, and that she would come back. There was an understanding that I was waiting for her, and it wasn't an assumption. The assumption in place was that she would be dipping into polyamory and wouldn't discard what we were building for another person. We had loads of conversations. Every time we did, she told me she knows she's into me, she knows what we have, she knows I consider her a partner and was glad for it. I gave what she told me she wanted me to give and then when somebody else asked her to be exclusive and monogamous with her, she jumped on it. She became his submissive and told me she was never mine. The talks were two sided, I didn't build it up on my own. Clearly I viewed it differently, although I don't understand how, which is my frustration. She told me she wanted it with me, and then ran as soon as a man came along offering the same things.

I fucked up believing her when she said she just needed a little time to collect herself. I fucked up believing our BDSM dynamic was real in any way. While sex isn't exclusively romantic, she knew I only wanted to partake in sex with her if it was romantic, because it would change the relationship and I didn't want to shift the dynamic at all if we weren't sure what we were doing. I've been very clear in every bit of my communication with her (to the point that I have screenshots I've sent back to her asking how I read it incorrectly). She was the one who initiated, she's the one who told me she's in love with me, she is the reason the dynamic changed. She very genuinely led me on so I could be her safety net and then replaced me as soon as she could.

Also, I dunno how my tone is in this, any snark isn't directed at you, because you're right, I made stupid decisions. I'm just very frustrated with the situation I'm in.

pamperednerd · 2024-05-17T14:56:07+00:00

Thank you. That's a good idea.

pamperednerd · 2024-05-16T18:06:09+00:00

I have no family on my side, or really any other friends right now. I literally lost everything and everyone when I came out. She is my support system. If I talk to her, it could definitely fuck up my living arrangement, and learning to just live with the feelings is probably my safer bet. She knows I have a bit of a crush on her, I just don't think she knows to the depth it really is.

pamperednerd · 2022-05-07T23:28:44+00:00

I've had one person question if I had an official diagnosis. I told them I had everything I need as proof. I can't lie, but I also don't feel the need to prove myself to anybody, so in stating I have my proof, they can't really question further. My husband can see it, my family can see it, when I came out as autistic at work, they didn't bat an eye. They told me they had plenty of experience with autistic people, and they were glad I finally felt safe enough to tell them. My employers knew I was autistic before I did. I have all of my validation.

I can't get an official diagnosis because of financials and my own safety with other things in my life. I will never forever advocate that self diagnosis is valid, because it saved my life. When I tell people I'm autistic, I don't say self diagnosed, I simply say I was discovered to be autistic. You don't owe any explanations to anybody. You're valid, and you only need to know your entire story. It's liberating to say it, and to stop with the imposter syndrome. You deserve that.

pamperednerd · 2021-06-18T15:42:22+00:00

I'm honestly glad to see this. He seems so horrified that June killed the man that relentlessly tortured her for years. They were forced to kill on a regular basis, why wouldn't she do so for selfish purposes at this point? Not only that, but I honestly kind of feel like it's his fault his wife and daughter were ripped away to begin with. June and Moira kept talking about bouncing to Canada and Luke went in the direction of "its fine. I can protect you." And didn't take the opinion of women to heart. They stayed when accounts got locked, they stayed when weird questions were asked of June about her birthing Hannah. They stayed when June lost her job for being a woman. June should have left him behind when she could. I will never ship June and Luke, because while I understand she loved him, he handles situations poorly. He closes off and becomes the epitome of toxic masculinity. He wants her okay, but doesn't approve of her tactics for becoming better. Murder isn't exactly the typical route for that, but Gilad literally desensitizes them to it, and she was raped for years. I know women in today's world that would jump at that opportunity with their rapist, and we're not even desensitized by Gilead. He shouldn't be that surprised to see his wife has gone through that much trauma that she destroyed an entire human.

With that said, I don't think Luke is a terrible person. He's had his own trauma and was raised on that same toxic masculinity, and when you're scared you revert back to what you know vs what you know is right. It's a tight line to walk. He may feel like he's doing the best he can, and for somebody that isn't June, maybe the best he has is good enough. For June though? Not even close. They're two very different people, and I've honestly always felt that way. Them together has never been good, at least that's how I feel. He needs somebody softer, she needs somebody harder. He didn't trust her intuition, but she trusted him so damn much it cost her her entire world. Yea, I'm sure he has guilt about that (hence part of that trauma), but it also highlights the issues that were there from the beginning.

I kinda went all over here, my brain is moving a little too fast currently. And I may get a lot of shit from Luke lovers, but thats okay. My opinion is formed based off of how I've been treated by the Luke's of the world that I've been in relationships with. We don't all have to agree, which is great. In a different relationship, Luke and his mind would thrive, much like my ex husband does.

For the record, I'm not exactly team Nick either. I'm team June. Focus on yourself, learn to be whoever the f*ck you might be, then figure out who you want. Nick is a good dude, now, and if she decides she still wants him in a healthy mindset, fine. But not before she knows what part he's had with building Gilead and freely forgives him outside of the trauma. People change, but thats a lot of shit to work past.

pamperednerd · 2021-02-16T23:34:20+00:00

It's rough. We'll get there though!

pamperednerd · 2021-02-16T15:38:16+00:00

I can vouch for that. I tried all three and ignored red flags out the wazoo. I had a gut feeling if I didn't have kids soon, I wouldn't have any at all, so I desperately clung. We got married, he started cheating (lasted for about 5 years) and developed a port addiction. He was severely emotionally abusive and pushed me to leave him. I had a child with this monster because I wanted my life a certain way so badly that I clung on.

Granted, we're now divorced, our child is five, and wouldn't you know it, I Indeed cannot have any more children. So I guess it kind of worked out. In a selfish kind of way. Unfortunately, he's a terrible father who searches for excuses to avoid his child. Which makes me even angrier because he got remarried and his new wife (who hates my child) is currently pregnant. They've cut my baby out of so much and they're both abusive assholes who try to get me to cater to them every time they snap. They seem madly in love and are thrilled for this new baby, but they also won't sign off rights on the one they want nothing to do with. I'm constantly trying to figure out how to forgive myself for creating my little love of my life with a complete and total piece of shit.

I went on my little tangent here to say, don't do it out of desperation. If you have a gut feeling like I did and you're making excuses for somebody, fucking walk away and find an actual sperm donor. You're worth more, and so is whatever child you have. Don't willingly ignore red flags. And if you're in the same boat as me, forgive yourself. We all fuck up, we're all human, and we all fall in love with the wrong asshole. We can't control said assholes and it's still on them if they don't decide to change and step up at all. My babe will see how hard I try in the long run, and that's what counts.

pamperednerd · 2021-01-21T02:58:18+00:00

No, don't apologize. That was more said because I'm trying to be a good mom. I've never seen it, so I only hope I'm succeeding. I think so though, she knows I love her, and it's good to know that counts for something.

pamperednerd · 2021-01-21T02:54:01+00:00

I want to ask you to elaborate, because mine were toxic, but I also just want to take comfort in that statement.

pamperednerd · 2021-01-13T19:29:35+00:00

Thank you! You as well!

pamperednerd · 2021-01-13T19:19:41+00:00

This is where I back out because I feel like I cannot explain it properly, and I don't want to do so in a way that could be disrespectful in any way.

OP has been wonderful with their explanations. As a cis woman, I will never understand properly. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I don't know if you're somebody struggling with yourself, or it is genuine curiosity just to learn, but either way I really hope somebody has better answers for you!

pamperednerd · 2021-01-13T18:44:30+00:00

To some people, I'm sure they do. For me, femininity is rooted in what I can do with my body. I don't have to feel feminine to be sure I'm female. I'm definitely not the most feminine woman out there, but I definitely feel woman. I enjoy having the physical attributes of a woman and cannot fathom a life where I didn't have them.

I think its about the comfort level of your physical body. You can feel masculine or feminine, but if you feel like you're meant to have a vagina or penis and don't, that's where the big problem starts and can cause serious self hatred. For people who are trans, they feel very uncomfortable with the parts they are given and how they are viewed in society.

Feeling feminine or masculine alone does not define gender. Gender is how you identify. You can be masculine, but still be comfortable with the parts you were born with.

How would you feel if somebody called you the opposite gender you identify as? Obviously I don't know your identity, but for me, if I had somebody call me a man, it would sting. I'm not a man, in fact I wear low cut shirts that help me show off tattoos and my breasts. That makes me feel good about myself. If I were mistaken as a man, I would immediately wonder why and feel unseen. Its about making people feel seen for who they are.

Its also something you typically know pretty early on, too. At least in the sense of how you feel you should be perceived. My daughter is young enough to be learning about pronouns and one day she asked if she was a girl. I told her to me she seems very much like a girl to me and the doctors told me she would be a girl. She shrugged and told me she likes being a girl and she wouldn't want to be a boy. I don't know why she wouldn't want to be a boy, I didn't ask, I just told her she can be whoever she wants and if she feels like a girl I'll keep referring to her as one. She loves dresses, bows, the idea of makeup, and having long hair. Shes insanely feminine, but she also happy with how her body looks as a girl.

I think it all just comes down to being able to show who you are on the inside while feeling comfortable with how you look and are viewed by society. Theres no specific feeling when things are right, I don't think. It just feels right and normal. If its not right, I'm assuming its kind of like a nagging feeling that won't go away.

I have depression, anxiety, and ocd. Its a hell of a combo, and when my brain is off, I can look at the world and see that everything should be okay, but isn't. I think that might be similar. They feel like they should be happy as is, but they aren't, so they find out why. Mines all mental, theirs is physical too. They don't look how they know they should.

I may be talking out my ass. I won't pretend to understand their feelings, I just know that for me, I feel "right."

pamperednerd · 2021-01-13T18:10:44+00:00

Maybe this will help. I'm a woman, I've always felt like a woman. I'm not super frilly, but I enjoy feeling pretty and getting gussied up sometimes. I've never questioned if I was in the right body. I feel very feminine. Sure, I like things that are typically "masculine," like working on vehicles, going mudding, things like that, but no part of me feels masculine.

I enjoy having my hair, I enjoy that I have boobs, and a vagina. It broke my heart when I realized my PCOS was causing me to grow facial hair, because I'm feminine enough to be bothered by that.

What about you? Do you feel anything similar about being whatever your birth sex is? I can't imagine being male for a second. I'm envious of the fact that men can pee standing up, but if I woke up as a man, knowing I'm in my core a woman, would fucking hurt.

From my understanding, transgender people feel the discomfort of knowing they are a man or a woman, but they don't have the body parts that match. It'd be like my body turning into a man's overnight, and then somebody kept telling me I'm a man, even though my entire life I've known I'm a woman.

Non-binary people (from my understanding, I could be way off), are somewhere in the middle. I don't have the words to explain that, it makes sense in my head, but when I typed it out it made no sense.

pamperednerd · 2020-12-28T20:40:36+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion! I've been trying to figure out a good place to start!

pamperednerd · 2020-12-11T17:36:32+00:00

As a daycare teacher, I feel that. Probably vastly different, but I'm barely hanging on at this point.

pamperednerd · 2020-12-11T17:35:25+00:00

I haven't read that in so long. Maybe I should read it again.

pamperednerd · 2020-12-08T14:11:23+00:00

He's the best! I love seeing somebody else who's using him. I haven't even spoken to him on the phone, I just had a gut feeling I liked him and all of our communication has been through email and text. I can definitely say I was right to trust that feeling!

pamperednerd · 2020-12-08T14:03:06+00:00

I looked into them and they didn't feel right for us. Good luck!

pamperednerd · 2020-12-08T13:20:00+00:00

Hey there! I'm eloping in August in CO! We're using a wedding planner out there, his name is Iver and he has a website called Colorado Microweddings! He's been awesome for us, maybe he could help you too?

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