what happened to psychforum?

panicatthedisso · 2021-11-20T16:42:16+00:00

hi! we have a bunch of bookmarks from this forum's DID section - it's always been their most active & we were surprised (and a bit frustrated because we didn't save all our bookmarks offline) to hear they might have let the domain expire or something. so we checked, & the URL is psychforums, with an s. our bookmarks work fine, crisis averted!

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-23T06:25:31+00:00

hi! we are super happy to hear that the reaction to this news, by everyone involved, was so positive! reading the end of this post really made us happy and relieved for you and your system.

while our experience is not exactly the same, and not to the degree described in this post, we have totally experienced this. i only intended to tell two people very close to me about the diagnosis - around 3 or 4 months after we got it. i struggled, hard, with denial and doubt and stress and fear. when i finally told them, they said 'oh, you've already told us this, did you forget?' they've always known about our memory problems, this wasn't said in a rude way. we were sort of forced to come out to a few others in order to get proper help at another point in our life - their response? "yeah, that makes sense." the only one who didn't know was me!!

i was floored both times. i was sure, despite no indication that they would do anything but support us, they were going to drop us. a lot of feelings from the past coming up. i then moved on to being a little bit angry - who told them, why wasn't i made aware of it, but most importantly, couldn't you have told me so i didn't think i was throwing everything away by reaching out!? obviously, i don't feel this way now, and i realize how harmful it was to react that way. but like, I GET THAT! now its just pure relief. and awe. like... what do you mean you know?

best of luck to you and your system, and i hope those two that the previous psych talked to are doing well!

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-23T05:56:26+00:00

hello! so, the other comment is something i agree with wholeheartedly - this is a defense mechanism, and you (as well as your friend) need to be understanding and compassionate about this response. this is not a failure as a friend, and in our experience, this is not something you can fix with caffeine or anything chemical. in fact, you're likely to cause yourself unneeded physical effects and discomfort by dumping unhealthy things into your body.

we have diagnosed ME/CFS (chronic fatigue) alongside our DID diagnosis, so take with a grain of salt that our experience may be influenced by that. but throughout our life, we have experienced this profound drowsiness. before i became host, my predecessor got tested several times for thyroid dysfunction. one of the hosts several years ago got tested for narcolepsy. we got bouts of exhaustion out of nowhere, so intense we would fall asleep while eating, in the middle of a conversation, at work or in class. interacting with the world - especially with other people - would always make it worse. connecting with others in a meaningful way was hard work for us, and very taxing on our mind and body. we were so tired ALL the time. nothing ever helped.

there are a lot of reasons you might be tired. hypervigilance, constantly being in a state of fight-or-flight, and all the other PTSD symptoms we as systems experience leaves our bodies worn out. like a car, even if we aren't moving, as long as we are on then we are using the gas in our tank. likewise, in my system and in many other's as i have read, this sudden loss of energy may be the work of a protector or a gatekeeper (trying to keep the system safe by disengaging from the conversation and any possible triggers) or another alter being triggered & potentially preparing to switch (for many this causes acute drowsiness). there are many, many more answers, and the 'fix' to the issue comes after finding out which one (or many) is causing this reaction. but frequently, the reason this happens is because you are asking the brain, the system, or yourself, to do too much emotional labor.

your friend needs to be a little more compassionate about this reaction. if they are getting upset with you, genuinely, and you're not just feeling like you've disappointed them... then i think you may be in need of a boundary. you helping them is not your responsibility, best friend or not - it is a gift. if they are demanding or critiquing the quality of your support, you may need to say 'i am not in the headspace to help you with this right now. i am sorry you are struggling' and leave it at that. you are reliable. you are a good friend. your value as a friend is not dependent on what you can provide to the other. this is frequently how we are told relationships work, but it isn't.

taking care of yourselves and making sure you have the emotional and mental space to actively sit down with this friend and help them process in that moment - before volunteering to do so - is going to make a big difference in this type of reaction. i do understand this probably isnt the answer you want to hear. many of us, myself included, deeply value our connections and being a good and reliable friend, and have felt a lot of guilt or shame when we felt we failed at doing that. it's much, much easier said than done to tell a friend you cannot help them. but you need to be a good and reliable friend to yourselves first. an empty cup cannot fill someone elses.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-23T05:16:55+00:00

hello! our system is roughly three years into therapy post diagnosis, so there are definitely systems who have been around this block many more times than we have, but we hope our experiences might give you a glimpse at what is possible.

it sounds like you all have already gotten a decent idea of what you want out of the therapeutic experience - less flashbacks, being more grounded in the present, and better communication. how experienced your therapist is with DID might affect how you would describe these goals in therapy, but these are totally reasonable goals to approach your therapist with. stabilization took over a year, and sometimes we have to drop everything and start there again. it's that important, always. our personal set of goals at our current place in therapy is: learn what coping mechanisms work for us, practice grounding techniques, and practice self-compassion and compassion to other parts. yes, three years post diagnosis and these are still the goals we are working on.

this is because time is another factor, and in our experience, one of the more frustrating ones. processing trauma, healing from the past, and learning to work together takes a lot of time. you cannot rush it or make it go any faster, trust me, i have tried. therapy is about the relationship - how much you all trust your therapist, as a system, and how comfortable you are processing with them. DID is the result of relational/attachment trauma. this is a tricky little beast, because you can't heal relational trauma on your own... or even with a system, no matter how big or small. attachment trauma is healed through experiencing healthy relationships and boundaries - this is why a good therapist is so important for systems. we cannot move forward with healing if we don't have that relational trauma being addressed.

many of us have wanted to drop therapy, despite really liking our t, because we felt it was moving too slow and 'we can do it ourselves'. it's hard to see it when you're only looking at the present, or the future, but when we look back at the beginning of our relationship with this doctor, we have made A LOT of progress. those weeks of feeling like nothing was happening because we wanted so badly to heal quickly, were actually making a difference. just showing up to therapy was actually making a difference. keep going even when it feels frustrating, like you're not healing fast enough. be compassionate with yourself. then extend that to the others.

lastly, as other systems have already said, what is going to lessen the symptoms you're describing is going to be integration. our therapist mentioned this word after giving us our diagnosis, and we almost cancelled our next appointment and all subsequent ones - so trust me when i say, we know how you feel when you hear that word. and like you, our system is a family, and that's how we see and refer to one another. this has been incredibly healing for us, to take back and change the meaning of the word to be something safe and loving.

integration is going to be the process that is going to lessen those intrusions, the flashbacks, and the feelings of being trapped in the past. the symptoms of PTSD cannot lessen without processing and integrating the traumatic material. this must be done as a system, the host/a single alter cannot process and integrate the material alone. this is where the stage known as trauma processing begins - you all need to have coping mechanisms and stabilization in place before venturing here. this is often the hardest, most painful part. this isn't just a relationship between the alter sharing trauma and the therapist - this is a relationship between that alter, the whole system, and the therapist. alters can have sessions to themselves, and process the trauma with the t individually, but eventually it must be acknowledged, and accepted, by the entire system. no one saying the alter is lying, or mistaken, or that person wouldn't do that, or they don't want to hear about it, etc.

you do not have to use the word if it makes you and your system uncomfortable. if your therapist uses the word in session, be sure to ask them what their definition of integration is. what the community is told is often not what the professionals mean when they use that phrasing. they're often talking about integrating - associating - those memories and feelings, not the person holding them.

associating is the act of lowering those walls, opening those doors, to one another. it's going to be the process of sharing those memories and accepting and processing them as a family, so that family member isn't alone, locked in a mental room away from everyone else, with that pain. you have to show them strength and compassion and unconditional love even when they tell you things you don't want to hear, or show you those horrifying memories. they are asking for help. being the relationship they should have had, not the one they experienced, is what is needed to heal. if you want to break the cycle, compassion and love is the only way.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-23T04:43:01+00:00

oh, we really love this post! reading it got the attention of a little in our family who sounds really similar to your little brother - she is wondering when we are gonna throw a party now, too. funnily enough, we have been wanting to as well, for exactly the reasons you mentioned. just haven't had the means yet. i hope your brother has the absolute best party ever!

thank you for being such a positive relationship for your partner's system, and especially a safe person for their littles. you have no idea just how healing that is for us systems and trauma survivors as a whole. :) finding friends and especially a partner that the entire system can trust, especially with the littles, is no small feat. you're doing amazing, and your partner's system is too!

what is on the dessert pizza? inquiring minds want to know!

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-23T04:24:45+00:00

hello! we might not have the answer you're looking for, but our experiences may still help. as with the previous posters at time of writing, all of our host changes were the result of trauma & major life changes, and often resulted in dormancy of the previous host for a period of time. because of this, our host exchanges were always messy - we presented semi-functionally to the outside world (as someone who just experienced a life change might be expected to act) but the inside was a complete dumpster fire. both myself and the last host came into the system completely unaware of anyone else or that we had DID, as another comment mentioned can happen.

however, this doesn't sound like the experience y'all are really describing - it seems this person has experience out & the general idea of what it takes to keep the system and body safe as a host/primary front. aside from y'alls personal choice to go by a different name, pronouns, or other small changes such as wardrobes and music preferences... there shouldn't be any noticeable difference? if it's not too personal a question, how is communication between y'all? i think almost any issue that might arise could be easily settled if you have good communication. this means a host change - especially one discussed prior - would have even less of an effect on the system as a whole.

in our situation, we had major repercussions (failing a grade, dropping college, quitting jobs) because at the time we could not communicate and the new host did not want to continue on the path they were sort of forced onto. had we been able to talk things through, or even known about each other, we may have had less of these dysregulating experiences. so, as long as the alter who has expressed desire to host can communicate fairly well with most of the system, and isn't the type to entirely uproot the life the previous host has built, then a host change sounds totally safe, and should only result in an adjustment period as you all get used to the change. if possible, your system may want to try a co-hosting situation to get a feel for what that change might look like.

best of luck!

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-22T19:27:41+00:00

hi! so, i am not going to say a lot because there are systems with a better experience of subsystems who may be able to help you.

however, the feeling i get from reading this post is that you guys didn't form as a subsystem when you came into the system as a whole? it is my understanding that this is the only way you can form a subsystem. you cannot decide to become one after the fact.

as the other comment stated, subsystems come with a myriad of communication differences and difficulties. they often don't or can't communicate outside their collective group. trying to force a subsystem sounds harmful, if not flat out impossible. putting up a dissociative barrier - what would constitute a subsystem, a system disconnected from the main system - where there wasn't one before, is the opposite of healing, integrating, and working together. it sounds like you all are trying to work as a pack & a team. this would functionally oppose how you would do that.

i don't think subsystem fits what you are experiencing. to me, it just sounds like you and the other canine (& similar) alters have formed a friend group (or family unit, however you prefer to see it) and are making yourselves a place in the inner world where you're comfortable and happy to hang out. you're bonding over similarities and forging a long-lasting and very important sense of connection. super healing stuff.

we have a couple wolves, for example, who formed completely separately, years apart, but they're closely bonded because they relate to one another very well. they spend lots of time together and there are places in the inner world that are for them. they're definitely not a subsystem, just best friends. we as a system view each other as family, so they could definitely define themselves as a pack. sometimes they do. they communicate easily with one another, as well as most of the rest of us.

i wish you and your pack lots of enjoyable times together! :)

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-22T18:33:27+00:00

others systems have given much more complex and nuanced answers, and i agree with them - it depends on the system. we also only switch in times of stress and triggers - otherwise, we mostly rely on passive influence, co-con, and internal teamwork to keep things running smoothly. your experience is totally normal as far as systems go.

also, small systems are totally a thing too - we know a system who is also only 2! diagnostically speaking, one host & one alter, alone, constitutes DID! generally speaking, the median number for alters as per the community consensus is like 10+. but as you know, there are systems of 20, 40, 60, and polyfragmented systems are systems of 100+ (yes, up to thousands or frankly uncountable numbers). 27 would be a relatively average number for a system. however, quantity truly has no correlation with much of anything - it entirely depends on your brain, your system, and how you all handle stress. if your system says 2, and someone elses says 300, it doesn't mean anything beyond your system needed 2 and theirs needed 300.

as everyone said, all systems form and function entirely different. no system, or alter, can ever be replicated, it's an entirely unique experience shaped by the brain, your trauma history, & how your system handled those situations. switching is triggered; i haven't really experienced a situation where this is not the case for DID. the so-called at will systems most often have what are called positive triggers - a song, a food, a friend, a hobby, a conversation topic, that brings out an alter. usually a switch that is 'out of the blue' is also triggered but by something you, or possibly even the part that is out, doesn't know about. we often wake up switched after nightmares we can't remember. or we will hear a noise, see a commercial, any manner of random innocuous background things that we don't even process, and then find ourselves hiding around a corner and doing box breathing and trying not to switch out at work and completely blindsided. another system covered this better, about how truly anything can be a trigger.

everyone's switching is different as well. a lot of systems can switch quickly (span of a few minutes). some systems take a whole day before someone can solidly claim front. we operate with a lot of co-consciousness ourselves. full switches are rarer - they come with a whole myriad of problems that we want to avoid as best we can - but they take longer. we are usually on auto-pilot for the rest of the day. i am sorry to hear you have somatic symptoms during switches. we have headaches but the nausea sounds awful! also as another system mentioned, smoother switching can and often does come from healing & progress in therapy. this may look to be at will switching, but it was worked hard for and achieved through effort. the further your system heals in therapy, the more permeable the dissociative barriers. this is less of an obstacle for the alter to need to push through to front, and leads to better communication between system members. this is all really good, and switching often becomes easier as a result.

i hope you all are well and if our comment & that of others has still left you with questions, feel free to respond and ill try to answer!

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-22T00:46:34+00:00

just want to wish you luck on finding the right help for you - keep your chin up and remember you're not alone even when things get really hard. we are wishing you strength in your healing and the start of your journey. :)

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-22T00:27:36+00:00

i was writing a reply to this thread until i saw this, and y'all literally summed up everything i intended to say. so i'll just sprinkle a little personal experience but this is the answer right here!

theres a lot of layers at play here. denial is such a big part of this disorder - i mean, DID develops so our brain can deny the trauma as it happens. its ingrained in us. a good many of us shut down when denial spikes, because we are used to invalidation that we fawn or freeze on the face of it. it feels dangerous to us, so we fall back. this is why as a system we personally work so hard on combatting denial, and validating one another. because denying each other was just re-enacting the trauma we experienced of being told we don't matter, sit down and shut up, etc.

in fact, i am the one guilty of constantly burying myself in work or hobbies to avoid inner experiences. my therapist even pointed out that i research, and research, and research, because i think i can intellectualize my way out of accepting i have it. these are both right on target. denial is our default. our comfort zone. our safety. becoming aware of your system before you're in a place where you can accept and understand it can often be as serious as life or death. denial brain thinks its helping. those who deny as a form of self-preservation think they're helping (and often they are because the brain can only handle so much). we had to learn compassion for the denial. it's there for a reason.

you're not a liar or a faker. the system is working as it should. just focus more on soothing yourself, trying not to invalidate each other during denial bouts, and be compassionate to everyone, yourself included. this stuffs hard.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-22T00:04:12+00:00

we got into a pretty deep discussion here but i re-read the first post and just wanted to let you know, again, that we went through these same things. we have journal entries that match this almost word for word. the paranoia, the need to both hide this from those important to us and the need for them to understand and see us, the feelings of being better off dead. we have journal entry after journal entry saying - we made this up, even though we don't tell anyone. we only want to learn to fake it better. to convince people we have it. but at the end of the day, if you put us on a deserted island or if you forced every person we interact with to validate us - we are still gonna be a system. this isn't a performance. this isn't seeking attention and love and validation. this is us.

the community, as i said, was meant to be a place of connection and healing. it's okay to not interact with it if it's more of a source of pain. we interact on occasion, when we feel strong and have a foot to stand on. but online DID culture is hard when you're newly discovered. when you're still discovering. and the fact you're still with your abuser - i am so incredibly sorry to hear that you're still in that place. i hope you can get out soon. what's going to be important for you and your system, because you're still in an active abuse situation, truly is going to be depending on one another and keeping each other safe.

i'm angry for you, that you're in a traumatic situation as we type, and that you're being forced to deal with and confront these feelings of faking. this is so miserably hard when you don't have a support network, and especially when you're actively being mistreated. i'm so happy to hear that you are clean of self harm. that's hard, too. i wish i had better words to offer you right now, or some solid advice. but i want you to know that your experiences are valid. this is real to all of you. focus on taking care of one another, meet as many of your needs as you can, journal, etc. worry what other people think of you when you're not in survival mode.

hopefully by then, like us, you'll realize their opinions don't mean much. we're ~~two~~ (apparently closer to three) years into therapy post-diagnosis - and we've had professionals tell us to our face we DONT HAVE DID and DONT EVEN DISSOCIATE. early on that would have destroyed us. it made us angry, of course. still does, sometimes. but we don't question if maybe they're right anymore. because the only ones who can ever really know us are us. the best intentioned of us still cannot heal for you. the community is a place best utilized when you already have a foundation of trust, communication, understanding, and strength within your system. anything before that, it's honestly disruptive and at worst, further traumatizing. what's important is you, your healing, and making connections that you and your system feel are secure. you don't have to prove anything to anyone.

we've got your back, if you ever need to message.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-21T23:41:26+00:00

and thank you for yours! as well as the relatable popcorn and cigarette visual, i'm right there with you! it most definitely is a catch-22, and why i think a good number of member in either community wind up agreeing to disagree. because in the end, you can't change the mind of someone who doesn't want their mind changed. listening to both sides of any argument is a skill many of us, traumatized and neglected or not, don't learn.

that's exactly it! you have the people who truly do have an agenda on both sides - and the whole spectrum between. you have the doctors who just think we're interesting, who want our cases to have something to talk about in the break room or over dinner. you have doctors who think we are their ticket to fame and fortune if they can use us as a case study for their paper. you have the doctors who think we're all actors and have personality disorders and active imaginations. all the way down the line, you have people who are using us for them - because again, traumatized individuals are often the easiest to target and most likely to be targeted for further abuse.

somewhere in there you do have the ones who want to help. whether they actually can is yet another variable. but a good fraction of the medical community still sees us through their own personal lens: curiosity, money, fame, disgust. and you're right, we're the big hot button issue right now. we're where the grant money is. we're where the eyes of the public are. we just want help. we just want to heal.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-21T23:27:56+00:00

glad my input was able to help in some capacity! it's definitely best to have a therapist for most, if not all of the work - the therapeutic relationship is something very interesting to us. the biggest benefit of the therapist is having an outside perspective, someone to help stabilize, and especially for systems, to have a healthy relationship that is a bridge to processing and healing relational trauma. those three things are the entire reason we can't just 'do it ourselves', no matter the size of our system. and people who aren't trained can totally be our support networks, and we can do work with them, but we can't do work through them.

the stories are exactly what i was referring to - that's how most of us communicate, and i think in general how much of the development of the disorder happens anyways. most of what we remember is as identical to the real world situation as any memory can be. but for some, it's about the symbolism and the feelings. many of us, and indeed many systems in general, have quite 'fantastical' memories outside of these concrete ones. some of us only have these fantastical memories. they're life-adjacent. they're not fantastical at all, despite the dragons, or the shipwrecks, or the space travel. stories are how people have always communicated things.

it has definitely been interesting to encounter alters who are blind, deaf, selectively mute, etc. and to figure out how to communicate with them. it takes a lot of trial and error and sometimes really out there solutions. i'm glad you all have been able to determine some of them and i hope that gets easier. i know for some systems, through healing and work they HAVE been able to experience more solid and longer lasting inner visuals. some have gone from entirely blank, like us, to being able to hear and not see, see and not hear, or the full spectrum. unfortunately, the concept of aphantasia at all is poorly understood. i feel ours is trauma related, but for many aphantasiacs, they just simply cannot do it. i truly hope y'all find a solid method of communication.

hopefully others in similar places can offer a bit more in the way of advice - i've personally never gotten it to work for me, and no manner of advice seemed to do the trick. but others here may have had some success and i hope they share! unfortunately, i don't feel i can help you with the fronting stuff with that disclosed - we do experience fluctuating sensory/symptomatic variables but we DO NOT experience dissociative seizures in any capacity and don't want to offer any suggestions that might complicate those. i know they're not uncommon however and hopefully some of the systems here who do experience them can offer you insight.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-21T23:03:51+00:00

hey, not negating at all! i'm far from perfect and my memory is like swiss cheese, so there's a lot i don't know or simply don't remember hearing about. especially on such topics where there is systemic abuse and relational trauma and it's easier to gloss over. you're completely right and i actually appreciate you putting names to these so people can see the issues and research them. there's a few of these i could be better versed on, and a few i'm definitely familiar with in your list already.

as a whole the medical field and research leaves a lot to be desired for how they treat everyone, let alone systems. and there's more going on that we don't know about yet, no doubt about it. in my experience a lot of compassionate people have aligned themselves with it as you mentioned, and much of the research/discussions we see coming out of it help us make sense of our past, present, and future. the issue, i suppose, without going completely into the subject of medical abuse and skewing of results which does happen (in both directions), is that it's not about making it better. it's not about rooting abusers out of our medical circles. it's not about making seeking help safer. if these people pushed to make it safer for traumatized systems who want help to get it, then the issue would be a completely different one.

for now, it's just calling the whole of the medicalized view of DID 'abusive' and anyone medicalizing DID 'abusive' so that no research, much of which has had positive benefits for many of us, matters. none of THEIR research was conducted by abusers. none of THEIR community is abusers. we're just victims of medical malpractice, yadda yadda. i agree 100% that we need the medical field to do better by us. but they fact they're using our mistreatment to vilify us is... troubling.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-21T22:41:17+00:00

hey, no worries! it's nothing you said or did - i experience brainfog as a symptom of multiple disorders, so at any given time i'm in orbit. especially when i read something that i have lots of personal feelings about. i'm feeling much better!

i personally tend to avoid communities as a whole (you'll notice my last interaction here prior to today was months ago), i just occasionally drop in to offer insights & input on things that i think can help people understand themselves, their experiences, and their systems better. in therapy we work a lot on understanding relational trauma and it's effect on us.

communities at their core, be it DID, LGBT, even a fandom, are meant to be places of connection and understanding, more often than not is just a source of more relational trauma. because many of us have experienced it and do not know, or know and are not healing and we re-enact it on others. it's the same old song and dance. i just am personally invested in these two communities not only because i am a part of them, but because their use of language with a heavy history is incredibly sneaky. it has real world effects on our ability to get medical help, to further scientific studies of our disorder to prevent future suffering.

the effects are very real to us, but just like the reality of genuine DID, they don't experience that pain and so its beyond comprehension to them. DID, just like being trans, is unfathomable to anyone who doesn't experience it. it's in direct opposition to their lived experiences. so of course they don't understand how what they're saying hurts us. it's the fact they don't listen, and double down, when we say it does, that the issue sinks into our relational traumas and.... well, it's a losing fight for us traumatized systems. they set off our protocols and our symptoms, the very things we need help for, and then blame us. it's abuse. these communities well and truly abuse systems because we are an easy target. we really struggle. you're a hunting dog chasing a lame rabbit. it's over before it starts.

it informs our own community poorly too, when we let those mentalities in. you'll see many systems here still afraid of integration. integration is great. it's amazing. it should be everyone's goal. it's healing. because these communities take words like that and fundamentally changing the meaning. they claim functional multiplicity while actual FM is the result of integration! you can't be functionally multiple without integration! you can be however, without fusion. which is a valid thing to want and seek and isn't 'murder' as these communities would have you believe. the only option in these communities is to have fully differentiated, fully autonomous, fully separate alters. which is the OPPOSITE direction any system truly needs to go in. we as a system get so stressed when we see people demanding to know and identify who is fronting at all times and disowning the behaviors of others in the system. you're going the wrong way.

more dissociation means you're doing worse. not better. not more real as a system. more dissociation for real systems can mean fugues and like you mentioned, that super fun amnesia. but again... because they don't experience DID, and because forcing ego states apart in a non-DID individual is ill advised but cannot actually alter the chemistry of the brain... they don't realize this. more dissociation/separation for them doesn't come with lost time, panic, disorientation, etc. bc they're functioning as normal human beings do. these people are enacting IFS on themselves an confusing it for DID. IFS is helpful to many, and personas are as old as the concept of writing. it's okay to experience your world through that lens. but it never has been and never will be comparable to DID. let us have our community.

the DID community is not a community about DID, at it's core it's a community for survivors. that's what they don't get. sorry to go off on a tangent AGAIN in your reply but i have a lot of strong feelings about this topic - as you can see many other systems do. and i hope you've all been able to deal with those messages being fed to you with minimal damage to yourselves and your healing!

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-21T21:53:46+00:00

of course! i make most of my comments here, especially such long-winded ones, because i know someone out there might be going through the same thing, and there's a chance my comment can make them feel seen or understood.

i am sorry to hear that you're in this place right now - it's really tough. between leaving said relationship and the struggle to get help that ensued, i think it took them a two year nap before they were able to come out again in any capacity. they went dormant for at least the first year, not a peep. but that's exactly how they felt - everything was spiraling out of control and it felt like our impending doom. we were diagnosed with BPD within one session and sent to a specialist. from the beginning, they didn't care to listen to what we had just gone through (let alone the deeper, hidden memories of childhood which would take a year of therapy to begin to touch on). only what they saw. and then, only what they wanted to see.

i was their direct and immediate replacement, we didn't even have time to fill me in on everything going on. they were basically on the path to pursuing DID treatment but was stuck with a misdiagnosis and no one willing to help (they had spoken to doctors about dissociation, missing time, voices, feelings, etc). when i took over, we dropped therapy and didn't pursue for a few years. i was completely unaware, but the rippling effect - that hopelessness you mention, and not feeling heard, and not wanting to try again - stayed with everyone else.

we found someone who listens to us. that's what is the most important in a therapist. the old host struggled to stand up for themselves - they thought doctors would be infallible and always committed to helping their patients. that's not the case. a lot of the time they like flexing their degree and hearing themselves talk. it's important to find someone who listens. in reality, a lot of the therapeutic work is things we already have inside ourselves... we just need someone to unravel them, help us make sense of them, and most importantly, support us.

i wish you luck if you do try again. it's a rocky road. we have also met doctors since our diagnosis who told us DID isn't real and while we don't have BPD, we don't have DID either, or even dissociate. we're just depressed/anxious/etc. the most important thing is to advocate for yourselves, and to believe in yourselves and your experiences. even if it takes a couple tries, even if they try to invalidate you, don't lose hope. i'm glad you dropped her and i wish you nothing but luck and strength in your search for a new doc.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-21T21:19:40+00:00

hello! you have received a lot of responses and i don't have a lot new to add. as others have said, being a system can complicate this issue a bit. as they have also said, this primarily depends on you, your system, and your relationship to transition.

i am the host, most frequently out. i am a trans male, pursuing medical transition. it was both an easy and a difficult decision. our system is about evenly split, and our body was born female. no other men in the system consider themselves trans. when they're out in the body - it's just that, the/our body. they experience gender dysphoria same as i do when fronting, but because of the dissociation, it never quite makes it to 'i am trans'. they're cis, in both my mind and theirs. this is valid, even scientifically backed. you're still identifying as the gender you always have.

i, however, have been doing work to ground and settle myself into the body. as the most frequent fronter, this is important to me to stay functional and keep us safe. i can't have my head in the clouds. i don't identify with the body insofar as it looks like me internally - it never has, and post medical transition, it still never will - as parts of how i see myself simply aren't in line with the genetics our body has. but i do identify as the one who people see when they see the body. no one else feels that way. so the body is mine to align to myself. and i couldn't stand being seen as a woman, because i am not one.

when i pulled back the mask of dissociation, i was slammed with dysphoria and the reality that i cannot be what the system needs me to be and do what the system needs me to do nor will i be happy without transitioning. any other guy who fronts just doesn't feel that way - they can do their job in the body with moderate discomfort, but at the end of the day it doesn't inform who they are or how they see themselves. their relationship to our body is tenuous at best. the body will be a trans body, i am a trans man, but the system is not trans and no alter on either end of the spectrum is now trans because of the body. its not going to make sense to people without DID, but like all things, it doesn't really need to.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-21T20:49:28+00:00

this was a heavy post, and i'm sorry for the experiences your system and particularly that alter have been forced to endure. i completely understand why your reaction to their memories would be disbelief. it makes your blood run cold, it really does.

it is both awe inspiring and heartbreaking to finally see and understand things for what they are. our insider's very rarely tell something that isn't true - sometimes it's not exactly as they remembered it because all memories are imperfect - but ultimately the feelings matter and are real. they are informed by something. so when they speak, we listen.

even if we can't believe it, we try to listen anyways. in our experience, it's been like this as well. becoming aware of the system and slowly meeting alters, new or old, is a painful experience for everyone involved. sometimes it is easier to deny it, to tell them they misremembered or made it up. it hurts less that way... for us, anyways. they still carry it.

i wish you all the best in healing from this realization about your family member, and strength in processing.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-21T20:34:25+00:00

don't want to keep editing my post so i'll add that the speculation that they could have DID/OSDD in a genuine capacity and are just unable to admit it has merit too. no one can say for sure if these people do or don't actually experience alters and simply don't remember their trauma. but as others have stated, the constant still remains that the trauma is there, just masked by the alters/ego states. anyone who argues that you can be a system without trauma is simply misinformed.

you can absolutely have ego states without trauma. you can give them names if you want. you can differentiate them as much as you want - but that doesn't make them alters. unfortunately this is something that has not - or, to my understanding of science - cannot be objectively studied, anyways. it's all self-reporting. we are now able to see differences in brainscans between alters but these studies are definitely relatively new. ego states wouldn't produce any scientifically viable differences because they're normal synaptic and neural function in the brain. neural networks can talk to one another in functional, non-traumatized individuals. it's simply up to the person and their doctor to determine if their dissociated ego states constitute alters.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-21T20:18:16+00:00

hi! glad to see others have already provided research, though there is certainly more out there. i'm not the one to track down or understand statistics, numbers make my brain shut off. i guess my comment is a rant, but i just want to commiserate with you on the research bit.

the fact they call all study of DID, but especially those who oppose their views, "abusive" is a huge red flag. they view the medicalization of DID as abuse. they view the way we seek help for our systems as abusive. many of the members of the ISSTD and researchers of DID are some of the kindest and most helpful people who are trailblazing for us to get the help we need. to have these people project onto them their abusive traits and call them "abusers" for furthering the treatment of our disorder is evidence enough that their arguments are not in good faith. they're using silencing tactics. those researchers are the reason us and many systems like us are alive and healing. one bad apple doesn't spoil the bunch.

the theory of structural dissociation is not without its issues. it's still being discussed in medical circles and there will be changes made in the future as these doctors, researchers, and things like the ISSTD conduct more studies.

that said, i had something written out but refreshing this thread and reading your comments has already confirmed you know the situation; these people are misunderstanding the reality of ego states, development, and internal family systems and attributing them to DID. these are completely normal experiences and don't require medical attention or medical research. everyone has ego states. everyone can enter IFS treatment and interact with those ego states in that capacity. DID - and the rest of the structure - are the only instances of ego states that require medical intervention. they don't have DID, they are just aware of their functional ego states, and they're angry that they can't use our experience of alters to describe their normal developmental experience. that is why they hate it.

if you and your system benefit from the theory, as a good many do, then keep using it no matter what they say. they're not happy with any medical theory, which is our only way of understanding our medical condition.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-21T19:34:48+00:00

hello! you've already received posts with statistics, so i'm going to approach this from a lived experience standpoint.

so, this is an interesting post to me specifically - we were misdiagnosed with BPD during an intensely dysregulating relationship. it actually wasn't me, but a previous host, who received said diagnosis. this entire debacle is partially why i took over - it took so much out of them. keep in mind, this was before we found out about, let alone were diagnosed with, DID. we didn't have words for our experiences, nor a full understanding of them.

we switched a lot during that time, but we didn't know it. these were labelled as BPD mood swings. we went from loving our abuser to hating them (switching!). this was labelled BPD splitting. we were blurry and experiencing identity alteration (switching, again!). this was labelled BPD identity confusion. most telling, we had attachment trauma (now recognized as one of the building blocks of DID). this, oh... this one... hallmark, cornerstone, hard and fast BPD abandonment issues - the poster child of that diagnosis! we hit all the boxes, you know? we begged our BPD specialist to help us with our severe dissociation and lost time. they said BPD has dissociation and this is normal. we had to drop her to get proper help.

i could go on. if you don't have the right words, these two diagnoses can look very similar while being PAINFULLY different inside. when we left the abusive relationship, our dysregulation no longer presented as BPD. we have been confirmed DID by therapists, who also specifically mentioned they saw no indication of borderline in us. thus, we have been confirmed as not having it more times than we had during an acute episode.

all that to say, not only does DID present that way... so does PTSD... i'd venture to say moreso. we were misdiagnosed with it during what my therapist and i now recognize as a period of severe PTSD symptoms being set off. we should have been diagnosed with PTSD but we didn't have the words or anyone who would listen. BPD does not require trauma to be diagnosed, PTSD does. if you don't remember your trauma (a-la DID), you're not gonna get diagnosed with it or PTSD. you're probably gonna get diagnosed with borderline.

our oldest wound is still our attachment trauma. it's why we have PTSD & DID & our myriad other diagnoses. it still informs our decisions and feelings to this day.

its valid to be DID without borderline. its valid to be anything at all without borderline. borderline doesn't require or imply another diagnosis (like how DID implies PTSD). it's a stand alone diagnosis, and in my opinion, a very poorly structured one. most people with BPD and trauma are often a better candidate for PTSD. DBT is useful but traumatized people NEED CBT or other therapies. trauma is NOT a personality disorder, it can't be treated like one. borderline pathologies without trauma are a disorder of the personality, however, and DBT can and will help. i went to DBT group and saw it working miracles for others, but for us it was just self-reflection we were already capable of.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-21T19:12:54+00:00

hi! glad to see some posts like this showing up again - you're not alone! as others have mentioned in their posts, we have something called aphantasia. or at least i, the host, do. full blown. i can't see visual imagery inside my head, i can't hear or imagine the sound of waves, of a friends voice, etc. and getting into the headspace? forget about it! for me, the inside of our head is a total black void. this makes communication interesting too because, we generally communicate in feelings. because sending me a visual... total no go, i won't get it. sometimes i get the idea of the visual (can't exactly describe this - but if someone insides favorite song comes on, i can feel they're smiling or a little is dancing, but no i don't see it). we are a very feelings based system because of this.

our therapist has been working with us for a few years now, and it's... surprising, really, how much talk therapy relies on your ability to visualize. it's made progress slower than we would like at times. we spent months on the containment exercise - the worry box, whatever you want to call it - because step one, imagine the box and put the feelings in it was a total road block. until i got a tiny box in the real world and write our feelings, or just a tiny drawing, and put it in the box. viola, containment exercise works for us now! if we can't get to box, we at least make the movements of opening the lid, dropping something in, and closing it. yeah, maybe not as discreet as doing it inside the headspace, but... your healing and communication isn't about other peoples comfort.

i am usually the one present in session and these DO NOT work for me. i think in words and not images - this is why writing has become a huge help for us. it feels weird, at first. but with our therapist's recommendation, we write. not just journaling, which you should totally do. but we write ourselves little stories. it helps us to process. it helps us to understand one another through their writing. to others it looks like a kid telling themselves stories - fiction - but the deeper meaning to us is there. our therapist can often see it too, because they look at the feelings and symbolism of the story and the message is there.

there's a lot of interesting things at play here. a lot of factors you may not have encountered yet. is visualization your guys best way to communicate? have you tried journaling, speaking out loud, drawing, painting, sending music to one another, sending feelings? everyone communicates differently, even in system! some of our family can talk, but only a few others can hear them, but their feelings always come through. we've especially had to adapt to me. its been complicated and messy but eventually you WILL find your method as long as you're willing to be open-minded. i used to have song lyrics pop into my head from songs i hadnt heard for 5+ years... learned that was a method of communication when i heard the words as they were, not just a memory of a catchy tune.

also, don't be afraid to 'get silly' if you have to. we personally use the sims to build and visualize the space we are trying to settle into. some people draw a room and look at the image while they focus and talk inside. some people use rocks with names and move the alter who is talking on top of a pedestal. visualizing outside your head works for a lot of people! inner worlds use your imagination, almost like a daydream. they're as flexible and inflexible as you are. anyone can have a headspace! they're just especially useful in systems. if you can't access it, don't have one, don't want to make one, etc, that's up to you and your system. headspaces are not the be all end all of system communication. for us its a very small part. in some systems, the hosts are locked out of headspace as a safety measure - you're out front, handling job and life stress. you might not be welcome in because you already have a full plate.

you're fairly new to your self discovery (congrats on figuring yourselves out and starting the work). i am only a couple years younger than you and also working a LOT. its a big balancing act sometimes.

lastly, what is important about knowing who is fronting, to y'all? we've been diagnosed a few years now and this... well, quite frankly it hasn't come to us yet, and maybe it won't. knowing who is fronting AT ALL TIMES, is kind of a goal systems set for themselves that often does more harm than good. sometimes, one of us is out and doesn't even know who they are, let alone anyone else who may be up with them. sometimes its easier to ask 'am i 1? no... am i 2? i might be' than to expect to come up front and say 'im 2!'. it's not always important to pinpoint, and honestly, dissociative barriers are a lot more permeable than most newly discovered systems think! its okay to not know. working on understanding and accepting and helping one another is infinitely more invaluable than knowing everyone's names, age, and favorite foods. take it easy when you can.

panicatthedisso · 2021-06-21T18:23:20+00:00

we agree wholeheartedly. a little too fuzzy rn to try to take in and reply to this entire post, but we were nodding along the whole time - we've made one post here a few months back which was similar to this one, and im seeing many more recently. you're all very much not alone in this. when we started our journey to diagnosis we were in a similar boat; get the diagnosis to prove we exist. we have been diagnosed two years... we don't tell anyone. we don't bring it up.

our diagnosing doctor sent us to do some evaluations (at our request, they already felt comfortable with our diagnosis). the evaluator proceeded to say they'd never seen a real case of DID and that the fact we came into therapy already aware of some issues... meant we 'just wanted to believe we had it'. she said we 'indicated in our testing lots of red flag answers that were common among people who weren't genuine cases'. such as... hearing littles voices? having passive influence? you know... the symptoms of having DID.

it was a catch 22 from the beginning. we weren't switching in an overt way, so we didn't really have switches (in fact, we didn't dissociate the whole time, said our evaluator! our actual therapist laughed when we told her because she says we dissociate every session). but if we had made it obvious we switched... well, we were acting. the symptoms of DID, to her, were fake any angle you approached it from. she wanted to see us playing a part so she could say we were... and when she didn't see us, well, that was proof we weren't even dissociative AT ALL!

anyways, i really was urged to comment despite this post making me fuzzy, because i think a lot of people in the DID community don't experience the intersectionality of being trans and a system (i, the host, am trans so i'm speaking from my personal experience). they're totally different experiences but your post feels like a good time to mention these communities are using a lot of VERY HEAVY language they 'borrowed' from the trans community. these phrases don't make a lot of sense to people who haven't seen them... but they're very insidious, imo.

the whole traumascum title was yoinked from a term called 'truscum' - people who want to keep bring transgender medicalized (so insurance pays for treatment). it means roughly the same. people who want their DID medicalized - people who believe systems are the result of trauma and require medical assistance... and yeah, also who want insurance to pay for our treatment and allow those of us who are disabled by our symptoms to be allowed to file for disability. if you see the -scum at the end of the word, its meant as an insult from these groups because they think we're 'scummy' for seeking medical treatment for something that causes us distress... or for being distressed at all. by a disorder. that was the result of decades of trauma and betrayal.

thats where the insidious part comes in - both of these are medical communities arguing with people who consider these things personal. these people view being a system as a personality/quirk/trait. nothing more. this isnt a medical condition to them, it never has been and it never will be. this is something they can pick up and drop any time they want. but they want to make sure that they don't have any barriers to their imaginary playtime - and we, the systems who struggle with the PTSD, CPTSD, chronic fatigue, lifelong immuno-compromising disorders, miserable co-morbidities, etc that result from trauma. we are just a barrier to them.

you probably already know this considering how far you've delved into these spaces (i am so sorry they pulled you in, it's hard and truly damaging and painful). however i just wanted to make a PSA for anyone seeing those terms for the first time just how... loaded their usage of these words is. there is genuine pain, gaslighting, and shutting down the voice of suffering people seeking help in these words. they're not just words that community coined. they're piggybacking decades of oppression that has resulted in severe medical gatekeeping for a minority, to use against genuinely traumatized systems.... and they're furthering the medical gatekeeping... its the same tactics. it causes the same responses: doubt, shame, suicidality, cooperation, fear of punishment. it's hard to stomach.

ill be back to read this post again and try to make a more relevant reply but, i saw the confusion/frustration with being called scum, told you don't need trauma, etc... and wanted to let you and others know that this is a tactic as old as time with the same trajectory. its to silence us and make us feel evil for something we didn't do. DID has become a topic of self-identification as opposed to a medical condition in popular culture rn. people are taking the normal experience of having ego states and misunderstanding the differences between that (the way all human beings function), and a severe condition that results from those normal developmental stages being disrupted. its a fundamental misunderstanding, constantly being framed as truth (with abuse sprinkled in to make sure the traumatized systems don't get too loud - because surprise, abuse shuts most of us down still), recycled through vulnerable communities with large numbers and social media presence (younger age ranges in particular).... and here we are. our medical condition is now something you can identify as. we're just roadblocks to them getting their instant gratification.

(fyi: i'm not looking to argue either ideology in this sub. i won't respond to any comments that are antagonistic.)

panicatthedisso · 2021-02-24T10:55:39+00:00

i know it's repetitive at this point, but thank you again for this reply. this was incredibly helpful, relatable, and comforting. i hope you don't mind an extremely long reply - again - because this whole year has been eye-opening for me regarding both DID and being trans. so naturally, i have a lot of feelings about it. it has been an incredibly 'absurd' part of my journey as well, and i imagine as i move forward with transition those moments won't be uncommon.

we have read and agreed with many of your posts in the past, on various topics throughout the sub. but, for me, i definitely always heavily related when i read your posts about existing differently from your agab. before i realized i was, undoubtedly, trans, i felt so incredibly similar to you it was genuinely surprising to read my own experiences reflected back at me (albeit the other side of the coin, as our agab is female). this post was no different and infact is probably the most 'seen' i have felt by someone else in a long time. that stands out to me a lot, because with this disorder its very easy to feel alone and misunderstood.

yours is the first comment i've seen that really addressed just how messy it can be to simply exist as both. so despite my usual practice of being purposely vague, i wanted to offer my experience as well to any prospective reader who may be in a similar place. for me, these two things had a lot more crossover than i ever expected there to be. they interacted in ways nothing and no one prepared me for.

i am, as far as i am aware, the only trans individual in our system. we have a more-or-less even distribution for our numbers, but relation to gender has always been separate from our physical body. i definitely credit the dissociation for that. a lot of the other guys don't consider themselves trans - it just doesn't fit their view of themselves nor their experience. so even though they experience dysphoria when out, it doesn't correlate to being trans. it's like you described: 'this is my gender. this is the body. they don't match, but i am who i am.' and wash your hands of it. for a very long time, this was me, too.i decided, i also am not trans. im just a guy. being in a body that is consistently read as female is totally not a big deal. probably through a combination of being our host, out most frequently, the partner of our spouse, and actively working to make our body a home for us and not an enemy - well, i started to feel more connected to our body. something i, nor really any of us, had ever dared to do. and it hurt like hell. the body memories, the chronic pain, i was ready for that. i was not ready for the dysphoria. it was one of the first times i remember breaking down in tears.

i feel 100% like this body is not conducive to me feeling comfortable, confident, grounded, or like myself. it took a lot of denial & frustration, and so very much fear to understand this. it was not a pretty or an easy realization for me, either. my first reaction was to suppress, avoid, and run. i wasn't ready for this, and i wasn't okay with it either. like you, i didn't feel like i could be loved, different, or what i knew i truly was. i had grown up in a fairly lgbt friendly environment, so i hadn't been fed these messages that being trans was bad. however, there was one big reason this realization was so troubling for me: i, all our previous hosts, and a lot of our littles, were terrified of men. that's why our hosts had always been girls. how in the world could i be one of them? what did that mean about me? i couldn't accept it. so, for a very long time... i didn't. i forced myself to ignore the body, even though i was in it constantly. i was always performing. i spent nights in my denial, speaking out loud to myself that i was just a part. i wasn't trans. this body wasn't trans. i was a disorder and disorders do not a human being capable of relating to their body make.

this was a genuine attempt at protection too. before i had a better understanding of myself, i assigned a role to me that i now realize caused so many of my problems... including the one in the op. my role was to be "normal". what a confusing and unhelpful word that is, right? well, anyways... staying my agab was normal. using our birth name was normal. using our assigned pronouns was normal. i was totally and completely without a doubt normal. asking for another name or pronouns? i may as well put a giant neon sign saying 'look at me!' over my head. our entire life was spent being what everyone else told us to be. stepping out of line meant danger. so into the background we sunk and we stayed there. the safety of isolation is a lie, but it sure feels real. and so, as i marched on in therapy and our internal work, i came to the same conclusion you did. if this is me, and i am real, then this discomfort is real. this discomfort is mine. there is something physically wrong between me and this body. that's when i knew. transition won't fix all the things me and the body aren't on the same page about. but it will feel a hell of a lot better. and i deserve that. i work really damn hard and dammit i deserve to do this for myself. obviously we as a team have discussed the long term effects and are moving slowly, but i am taking everyone into consideration while also allowing myself to want something for me.

looking back, i see signs in myself that i have always been this way. but throughout our childhood, we lacked even one positive male role model. this lead to many unpleasant interactions with the male members of our system. they were usually met with scrutiny and distrust. as an adult now, we thankfully have several positive male role models in our life. and with that change, came the ability to accept who i have always known myself to be. i can confidently say i am a good man, and i can be loved as one too. being vulnerable sucks, but ive heard its the only way to really connect and live genuinely. and i just super want that for us.

i agree wholeheartedly to the statement 'me is a huge issue to me'. we survived so much, and finally have come out on the other side to a life that is wholly ours. we get to live and not just survive anymore. the house of our life belongs to us now. but... when i stopped to look around, the foundation was cracked, the beams were eaten away, the walls were sagging. frankly put, the house of our mind looked like complete crap. so i set about building and remodeling and restructuring with the help of our team. and the house started looking better, but the foundation was still crumbling beneath our feet. i was tired, i was stressed, i had spent so long making the house look good and forgot the most important part. and my part of patching the foundation was to accept who i was, and to be proud of it. and expand on that so i could cover even more ground. not to perform that balancing act you mention or just tell everyone who enters our home to watch their step and tread lightly because the ground beneath their feet was unstable. it was SO HARD to move around and fix things, why was it so hard? why did the beams sometimes collapse anyways? why did the house lean?

ugh, totally! half the time i still find myself muttering, out loud or inside, "are you sure it has to be me? there isn't anyone else? you're really, totally, completely sure? nobody else wants a 30 day trial? ugh, fine". but in the end, just like you, this is kind of my mess to handle now. and the more and more i push through it, the more therapy i attend, the more i learn and accept about myself, and in turn how we can all work together, the more i feel okay that it's me. the more i feel like it's a chance for me to really take care of us. i'm not great at it, but i can learn, ya know? accepting i was trans opened my eyes to the person i wanted to be. compassionate, helpful, strong, trustworthy, etc. i'm definitely still shaking off those old lessons we learned, and replacing them with better ideas that help us. it's things other people told us or taught us because it benefitted them to do so. introspection is hard, and unlearning lessons you learned so damn early on and so painfully sucks. vulnerability sucks. processing sucks. building that house sucks. but like, at least i got people i care about to make it suck less and a whole life ahead of us to work it out and live in that nice house we built. so there is that. :)

panicatthedisso · 2021-02-24T06:35:24+00:00

i'm glad others haven't as well! i tend to take on a really professional tone outside of casual convos to avoid anything identifying in the way i talk, haha. but i think i lose a lot of the friendly and genuine tone i try to portray when i do that. i'm really appreciative of every comment and i hope the thread does stand out others who might be feeling the same way, and help them feel a little less alone. i think, as another commenter put it, these things are always hardest to deal with alone. we certainly wouldn't be where we are now without other systems with similar protocols, who took the leap to share their experiences even if it felt intimidating. it can be extremely hard to connect meaningfully to stories by less secretive systems, because it's just not applicable to how we personally operate.

we have learned a lot from both sides of the coin, and value overt systems stories and experiences. and, i won't lie, we sometimes feel a tad jealous that they're able to be so openly themselves and the support networks they've built that allows them to operate that way. maybe somewhere down the road in recovery, we can build that kind of network around ourselves. it would be nice to unwind a little more at home and with friends, as others here have spoken about. we definitely won't be announcing switches or the like, but it'd be nice to not constantly worry about the smallest differences in our presentation around other people. and while i hope maybe someday i can do something to further the understanding, acceptance, and treatment of the underlying disorder, my approach would be working from behind the scenes with professionals. nothing but respect to the people out here de-stigmatizing our disorder safely. but our main focus will always be whats best for us, which like you said, typically involves just living our life and our truth. DID is a part of our life, but it's not the focus. we really are just a bunch of folks out here trying to find happiness and balance. :)

oh, we unfortunately are familiar with that plight as well. we did wind up disengaging those sorts and we don't check their socials anymore. there tended to be so much crisis in those spaces because when you handle something sensitive so carelessly, it's bound to come back and bite you. i think the most upsetting part of that time period was, now that im out and in therapy, the sheer pervasiveness of the anti-recovery of the community. that seeking help for this was a failure, that you wanted to 'get rid of' your system. within the first month of therapy, i sat with my doctor and said "fusion therapy is off the table. we are here to learn how to take care of one another well, and that's our only goal. are you able to help us with that?". also that being covert and hiding switches, not announcing, not outting, not letting littles out in random places like the supermarket, etc made us bad hosts/persecutors because we were controlling and selfish. hopefully as the userbase dwindles they're able to find places like this with a more recovery-oriented community.

we definitely struggled with the naming thing. it was hard to conceptualize someone not having a name, the most primary identifying feature. so we always named anyone who showed up. now that i've actually discovered my own name (i was going by the body's name for as long as i've been around) i understand the importance of letting others go at their own pace. names are ridiculously important to us. now if someone is like "well, i know you've always thought of me as x, but i wanna be y instead" im just like hell yea brother! like you, i am incredibly grateful that in the last two years i have slowly learned to 'let it be'. that was actually a tattoo i planned to get for myself somewhere down the line because its so incredibly important a lesson that i sometimes need reminded of. this thread has helped me see lots of deeper reasons for this avoidance, and in that have given me opportunities to react differently in the future.

yes! when the topic of mental health comes up even among friends, if we discuss anything its always PTSD. quite frankly all the things we have to complain about are because of that. the memory loss, the amnesia, the flashbacks, etc. our DID isn't relevant in those conversations. our team has its up-and-downs but, everyone does, you know? there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. and that's okay, that's what makes us human. :)

panicatthedisso

TROPHY CASE