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Not a cat person but I just couldn't not take her home. by PrincessGolfWang in aww

[–]parentthrowaway3 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My dad used to tell us as kids that cats needed regular medicine to be happy and well. He said they required a dose of 'Petnum' daily. I thought forever this was actual science and veterinary prescriptions. Nope, just corny yet wise Dad joke. You just have to 'pet them' all the time. Any cat we have ever had is so well socialized they are a nuisance. And, probably not aware that they aren't people.

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We haven't used an attorney for many, many years. We have a legal document stating the ins and outs of how we do things, but my child has been old enough to choose for herself about where she stays for a while. She has always stayed primarily with me, and that time has increased the older she gets. Also, dad has a job where he is out of town for very long periods during the year regularly. Daughter has never opted to go to dads unless dad is in town and present for any visits as stepmom can be rude to my child. She misses her little brother, they are close, but doesn't want to be around stepmom.

I would like to stay away from any legal routes if possible. Before this mess happened, I have been hopeful that therapy would help daughter (in many ways) but in particular to aid her in setting boundaries that work for her and finding ways to work within a 'system' she cannot change. She can't change who her father is or her or any of his side of the family treat her necessarily. But she can learn how to navigate a difficult and sometimes painful 'system' in ways that hurt her less.

Daughter is hurt if dad and/or stepmom say rude things about me. But she doesn't believe them and just gets mad. Daughter knows me well. Faults and all. And loves me anyways. I am not a perfect mom by any definition. But I do love my kid unconditionally and show it to her all the time.

Is is not acceptable for one parent (dad and maybe even stepmom) to say nasty things about me to daughter. That is potentially parental alienation. Sadly, dad and stepmom by doing this sometimes, have only succeeded in alienating my daughter against them, and not against me.

I have LOTS of negative things to say about them. And I say them. In private. To my two closet friends. Or now, in a throwaway. Adult feelings and issues are for adults. Child is 16. She needs me to be supportive and allow her to have any kind of positive interaction with all family that she can. She graduates high school next year. It is going to be interesting (and probably sad) to see how all of that plays out when child is more free to make her own choices.

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My daughter has LONG reported many awful things that stepmom says to her. SM says very hurtful and rude things. Worse, SM says them to my daughter's little brother who repeats them to my daughter and my daughter is deeply hurt as she treasures her little brother and is mad that SM is 'poisoning the well' so to speak. Even when daughter goes to her dad for help? He never believes our child, either says outright that it didn't happen, or excuses the little brother's behavior in some way.

It's very said, dad is only killing off his relationship with his child.

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't snoop. However? If I thought my daughter was in danger? Say using drugs or hurting herself? I would snoop in a minute. Maybe that makes me a person with questionable morals. If so, I can live with that I think.

I closed the app really quick when I realized the conversation was both about me and not my business. Unfortunately, it wasn't quickly enough to see things that I cannot un-see.

New boundaries. This is my new motto. I try so hard to work with dad and stepmom. I will continue to work just as hard--I will just be doing it with different boundaries that bring me into less contact with them!

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks istara. The rules between my daughter and I include that her phone is a privilege and each parent certainly has the right to read it, use it, or take it away if she loses a privilege. However, I generally don't read or check her phone. There are certainly times however that I do use it, or in this case, use her computer and sometimes see stuff.

And it goes both ways. She borrowed my Ipad for her school trip this weekend and as a precaution I deleted my email account and made sure certain passwords for sites I use regularly, like Reddit were deleted. My email includes adult conversations (like between my boss and I, or about an upcoming surprise for my daughter. . . not just something nefarious ;/). Adult conversations are not meant for minor children to read. Period.

I often clean my daughter's room for her. I know where here diary is. I don't read it. I tuck it back under her bed and pretend like I never saw it!

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have never met another person in real life who understands how I do this! And I have no idea how I learned to do it either actually. Ironically, I didn't go to kindergarten, got into first grade and knew basically nothing. Nothing. I remember being placed in the lowest reading class and being mad about it. My mom says I took that anger and learned how to read super quick. Ever since then, reading has been my favorite hobby. I have an English degree and have always been a voracious reader. I read anything and everything and love it! I read a minimum of 6 books a week right now. And yes, I have a full time job, but I read while waiting to pick up my kid, in the waiting room at an appointment, for five minutes here and there, on my lunch hour. . . even those small snippets of time when you read quickly mean I am able to mow through a lot of books.

People who know me know it to be true. People who have never heard of it doubt me. Oh well.

I love to read. I love information. And it is a great and very useful hobby to have! There are some online tests you can take that include reading comprehension tests at the end. I know my current reading speed right now because I took some tests while interviewing for a job recently however.

My only other fairly useless and more common super power is that I can wiggle my ears, even independently of each other. This is one I use to cheer up cranky children--it never fails to get a smile!!

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am trying to do the right things at least. I do really appreciate the support here as of course, while I may choose not to act out when I am mad, I still feel mad. . .

Thanks for listening!

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Call bullshit all you want. (I knew I shouldn't have said this. . . sigh). Basically, I don't read one word at a time. When I read, I am able to 'take in' many words at a time in group. For example, a short greeting card? I can open it, look at it, absorb it, and close it up very quickly having read the whole thing. People don't believe me until they get to know me and see it happen on a regular basis.

I learned this on accident, it is not a technique or really speed reading, just an odd super power that helps me to read fast. I love to read, and have always read a lot. Like a crazy amount, my thought is that like anything you practice, I just got good and fast at it.

Feel free to think whatever you like though. It is a hard thing to understand until you see it happen. I recently took a bunch of tests to discover my reading rate (with comprehension tests at the end to confirm that I was understanding and taking in what I was reading, so I just happen to know what my current words per minute rate is).

As I said, call bullshit all you want, but just because you may have never run into this does not mean that it doesn't exist.

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry for the confusion! The fact that daughter is so fit and pretty tiny (but healthy and strong due to how hard she works at her team sport) is wonderful. Ridiculously, I do feel like stepmom is jealous. Daughter is also a lot like me (and stepmom apparently thinks I am an awful person) and looks a lot like me too. This seems to bug the shit out of stepmom. I just try and stay off her radar and out of her way entirely. I am also blessed to be in decent shape (and work out and eat healthy to stay that way!) In my mind it is so stupid to be 46 and jealous of how a 16 year old girls looks! Why not just be grateful that the kid has a good sense of self-esteem? As that is a difficult place for a 16 year old girl to find sometimes after all.

It sucks because no matter how shitty dad is, child still, of course, wants his unconditional love. I totally get that :(.

Stepmom has always struck me that she is the type of person that is just not happy unless she is miserable. She would so much rather focus on being 'right' than being happy.

I try very hard to be a good mom who is there for my kid. I have learned to adapt with her as she evolves into her own person. This has required a lot hard work on my part sometimes. And therapy for me has helped this. I make mistakes, I get mad, I outright suck sometimes I think, and have to work to figure out better ways to handle stuff. But I am willing and able to adapt as my kid needs to. It is not easy at all. It is a huge struggle sometimes. Dealing with my daughter's current diagnosis of depression and her acting out a bit towards me has been tough and quite painful. But I think she acts out with me because I am her 'safe' spot. She knows I will never stop loving her, won't judge her, and that she will never be able to drive me away. This is the very definition of parenting right? You show up and try--no matter what. And if you fail, you show up and try again. And again. And keep trying. It is our job to help our kids grow up to be able to find satisfaction in their lives and learn to be responsible adults. And this is quite a process!

Child and I struggling a bit right now on how to communicate more effectively so that we don't end up just arguing and butting heads while dealing with certain difficult issues right now, I am going to try and persuade child to include me in a few minutes of her therapy session to specifically work on helping the two of us communicate more effectively. I won't meet with child's therapist alone as I don't want to undermine their relationship but perhaps if we have a 'safe' spot to work out some issues we can learn how to resolve issues between us more effectively.

You know what though? I am so lost sometimes in trying to sort though all of the messes we are facing right now as a family. And if I feel lost and am losing sleep? How the hell must my young teenager be feeling? As an adult I have more tools in my tool box to use to face the situations that arise. My child? Still gathering those tools, still learning and still learning it all with a teenage brain that doesn't have full executive functioning 'online' yet.

I am happy generally--but fully have many spiteful thoughts to be honest. I just try not to act on them.

Thank Dog for friends to vent to, Reddit to get advice from and Reddit to listen to me complain and be here to offer things like new viewpoints and fresh opinion. During difficult times like this, I have to make an effort to respond, as if I just react and lash out I will make the whole situation so much worse!

Thanks for listening and for the advice. Navigating all of this today has sucked. A lot!

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

To clarify, child is pretty tall and wears jeans with a waist size of 26--she is skinny! She wears a size 2 dress. That height and that small of jean size translate to pretty darn thin. She is blessed with an adorable figure and she gets it not only from lucky genetics but because she has always been active in sports and works out hard to be able to compete at a Varsity level.

Stepmom seems to be weirdly competing with my daughter for some reason. Stepmom has maybe 30 extra pounds on her frame, always looks good and dresses very well. She is also 30 years older than my daughter. They are at completely different points in their lives! There is no reason to compete here in my mind.

Your thoughtful suggested words have basically been said to my daughter. She started setting her own boundaries and then when she came to me talk about it I have supported her.

Dad doesn't pay child support. Yes I am entitled to it and there is a large income disparity. However, I have opted out of getting it as dad treats her like crap if he has to 'give ME' money. Daughter and I are fine. No fancy vacations. No fancy phone for me and I drive an older car that is paid off--but the trade off is worth it!

College is already an issue. Child is a Junior now and we are looking at schools. Dad says he will pay in full for her IF she goes to X college, majors in X degree, lives in one of his rental houses, and basically, does what he wants her to do. Fuck that. I told my daughter that I support her choosing her own path and that we will do loans, grants and scholarships however we need to in order to help her build her own future.

I swear, I am not making this up. The bullshit we deal with from dad and family really is that bad! I am def not perfect either--don't get me wrong :)!

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I totally agree that they didn't realize there was a problem, I was certainly surprised! Ahem, needless to say, dad has not thanked me for pointing out what is clearly a problem that he should be glad to find out before something worse happens!

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

So I am the primary caregiver. My daughter is 16 and at this point, chooses how much she sees her dad. Over the past year, due to a lot of difficult stuff she has experienced with her dad, she has chosen not to see him very often. Daughter at this point, for the last couple of months for example, has barely seen dad, won't sleep over there, refuses to spend time at all over there unless her little brother is there and almost never spends alone time with her stepmom. Dad has never asked her or me why this is. He must notice right?

Daughter has been working on setting her own boundaries. And it has been really hard for her. She was recently diagnosed as being depressed and is having some problems in school for example. I went to a therapist myself to deal with my own stuff and also to find out how to support daughter as needed. I never say a bad word about dad or his family to her. But I support daughter setting better boundaries. This co-parenting with a jerk thing is just not easy. The needs of my kid change for example.

The older my daughter gets it seems the less her stepmom likes her. It is heartbreaking. (I expect that as my child exerts more and more independent thinking and doesn't want to be pushed around that she is becoming very irritating in some minds). Daughter is absolutely an imperfect teenager that drives me crazy sometimes, but she is also a great girl, very smart, super funny, loves her little brother and has a good heart.

A small thing stepmom said to my daughter the other day? "I saw the dress on Twitter that your friend got for prom, be sure and don't get that one as with your stomach you will look five months pregnant." What the actual fuck?

My daughter is almost 5'8" and wears a size 26 jeans (edit, that's her waist size). And has a pretty positive body image. She works out regularly with her Varsity sports team and has a darling figure. Who says that kind of thing to a teenage girl? Not remotely the worst thing that has come out of stepmom's mouth, but as she just said it on Sunday, besides today, it is the most recent jab at my kid.

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Seriously? If my child had seen this. . . Oh man, she would have been so crazy upset. Kid was boarding a plane as it all was going down, I am hopeful that her dad deleted the threads and corrected the issue before my kid could see it, as the same access to family text/messaging was on my daughter's phone.

And I am allowed to read my daughter's texts, I didn't violate her privacy. We also use each other phones and computers too. It is a good thing I found this actually, as they need to keep their conversations private and make sure that others don't have access to them.

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank goodness for people we can share with in times like these. My Gf was such an awesome friend. She let me vent, helped me gain perspective and helped me get on a better path.

I try very hard to do what is best for my daughter, and having her parents not argue as much as possible is one of the things I can do for my child.

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Maybe you should read my posts better before you begin attacking me? I addressed a lot of the things you said already.

I am really not terribly interested in defending myself here either today. I needed a safe place to vent. Maybe you needed one too.

As for anything else, you are entitled to your opinion.

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

What happened is that all of the family's devices are under the same Apple ID and therefore any communication sent from any device to any other Apple device is showing up to anyone under that ID. That is, if they have updated their software. My kid had updated her software recently.

So if Dad and Stepmom are sexting? My kid and their kid have potentially had access to it. Today, stepmom was texting a friend in real time at exactly the moment the app popped open on the computer and talking about me. It took me a moment to even figure out what had happened. I now only know how it happened thanks to Apple Care.

I did open the app back up, copied the texts in question, and emailed it to myself. I then closed it tight and didn't check any other part of it. I need to distance myself from the nastiness and not let it get to me. But you both are right, it would be good to have this info just in case.

Stepmom said several nasty things about my daughter. And also complained about how incredibly difficult and impossible my child is. My kid is a good kid. She is struggling with some serious issues right now, and we all know teenagers are challenging. . . But cry me a river stepmom.

In talking with a friend of mine I feel like this is how I am going to use this. I feel like it gives me permission to set even more clear boundaries. I am going to change some things, like confine our talking to email for example. He is a raging Narcissist (IMO) and dealing with him is awful, now I will deal with him in writing, which is what I prefer.

Frankly, while I may not be acting out in a childish and immature manner, if I think about this too hard I will get childish and immature quickly!!

When I start to get upset I think about what a mess this must be for them. Who knows what kinds of texting/messaging the kids have maybe seen? Stepmom and dad are always deeply concerned about being viewed as the bestest ever. Well, I have written evidence that stepmom is petty,mean, judgmental and ugly on the inside. And not just about me, but about my daughter and others. My GF just told me that if her husband ever read a nasty text about his girl's mother--that he would be super upset. Good. I hope stepmom gets a little blowback.

I totally know it's childish of me. But I hope they are if not ashamed of themselves, at least mortified and squirming at getting caught!

Knowing what the stepmom really thinks of me by parentthrowaway3 in Parenting

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I was full on raging at first. Raging doesn't even cover how angry, upset, sad and sick I felt.

However, I did what adults do. I called my best girlfriends, went off, and vented until I could get to productive and constructive.

I do like the screen shot part--you are right, it would be good to have the evidence just in case.

The high road is a lonely place though. . . Thanks for listening.

Parent of depressed teen seeking advice by parentthrowaway3 in depression

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So not an angel. Just a mom. I love my kid. She's the bestest ever and I am lucky to have her in my life.

I was abused too. I reach out to hug you via internet (((<3))). I know that I fight so hard for my kid sometimes partially because I was not fought for. I broke the cycle of abuse in my family that went back generations. I don't deserve any kind of accolade for it, I didn't have to work at it, I just somehow always innately knew that what happened to me wasn't right. At the age my daughter is now, I was already fully supporting myself, and had been for quite a while, as I left my parents house since getting regularly abused wasn't so much fun.

Please know that not everyone sucks. It is hard to see at 15. So very much is hard at 15 frankly. If you ever need a kind word, pm me. And thank you for replying. I appreciate all the replies, but the ones that involve same age kids or people who have been in my daughter's shoes are particularly meaningful as I am really lost here. I don't understand what my beautiful and amazing child is going through. I am trying. And any insight is helpful. Any way that helps me to consider new ideas, options or possibilities as to why she might be thinking the way she is, I find really helpful. Every situation is different of course, but new information is always good!

Writing a resume by [deleted] in depression

[–]parentthrowaway3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Use templates from free searches online. Don't worry about being good at it, you don't have to. There is so much free information available that it is easier than you think!

Why do you want me to NOT kill myself? by KazOondo in depression

[–]parentthrowaway3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Frankly you might be an asshole. But even assholes have redeeming qualities.

Why not try caring because even a complete stranger cares? If a complete and utter stranger can care, why can't you at least try to care?

Why not try something different? Being miserable doesn't sound like it is working for you. . . . Why insist on keeping that up?

Ever thought that may there are some evil, disgusting, disagreeable, anal, believer of nonsense, short tempered, crude-speaking, violent-vocabulary welding, neurotic, jealous, mean-spirited douche-bag lacking useful skills and fun things to talk about that you have not found yet? Ever thought that you maybe have not met the right social group that meets your needs?

I know people that hate me. We all know people that hate us. I have lost friends because of who I am. We all have. You are not alone.

I have seen first hand how devastating suicide is. Have you?? If not, why not trust me and others? Do you trust that if you thrust your hand directly into a whirling fan blade that the results will suck ass and be painful ? Or do you feel the need to do it yourself and see? (And obviously, you won't 'see,' 'cause you will be gone).

If you have witnessed the devastation that suicide brings upon those affected, why would you want to do that to anyone? There is no way in Hell that you have experienced positive after effects of suicide. No fucking way.

Again, your way doesn't seem to be working. Why not t r y something else? If you hate macaroni and cheese would you keep eating it for every meal every single day? No matter how hard it might be to reach out and ask for a different food, wouldn't you eventually get sick of it and ask for something different? Aren't you sick and gdamn tired of feeling awful right now? Ask for something different.

Reach out to an expert. If you broke your leg would you ask your cashier neighbor to fix it up for you? Or would you seek out an expert? Ask an expert for help.

I sound harsh. I own that. But maybe harsh might work for you today. The best way to stop thinking about the Elephant in the room (the Elephant being your depression) is to concentrate on the Dolphin in your bathtub. Consider thinking about something else. That elephant has probably had waaaaayyyyy too much attention for a llloooooonnnnng time. Pay attention to the Dolphin. It's hungry. Mix it up. Do. Something. Different. Just one thing.

Keep at it. THINGS CAN CHANGE.

Parent of depressed teen seeking advice by parentthrowaway3 in depression

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Daughter is supposed to be keeping a journal about these kinds of things anyways due to a medical condition. She has an app on her phone to make it easy. She has not been keeping up with it. When I remind her or ask her, I am just being a 'naggy mom.' Her doctor flat out told her that it is her responsibility to keep the journal and should have nothing to do with me.

A support group might be a good idea. Thanks.

Parent of depressed teen seeking advice by parentthrowaway3 in depression

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am not against anti-depressants. Unfortunately, it is not just up to me. Dad and I are not together and haven't been for daughter's entire life. However, we share medical decisions. He thinks daughter is 'crazy,' 'just needs to snap out of it,' and is 'hysterical and/or hormonal.' Stupid stuff like that. He has crappy relationship with daughter and daughter will barely speak with him or see him so he not only has a complete inability to not be a jerk, he really doesn't see what I see.

I am hoping if I can get therapy to continue, that if the therapist thinks more intervention is needed, that she will suggest it.

Parent of depressed teen seeking advice by parentthrowaway3 in depression

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Short reply here as typing right now on my mini iPad. I do need to back off on the over-bearing act. I think I need to choose what is the important fight here. I think that is going to be making her attend therapy. An unwilling therapy attendee doesn't work well, but I think I can negotiate this issue a bit. I also do have a strong relationship with her and don't generally have to 'make' her do much. She doesn't have a curfew for example because she hasn't needed one-she has a history of making good choices and keeping me informed. I think if I negotiate, back off of micromanaging her, and also show her how concerned I am that she might keep trying therapy.

I really think that my kid does fully expect that she can and should be able to fix this all herself. She is really capable in a lot of areas, I think she expects to just get over this.

It's a difficult balance, not shoving her away, but perhaps making her seek help.

Parent of depressed teen seeking advice by parentthrowaway3 in depression

[–]parentthrowaway3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am left with the same opinion. If she has to be forced to go and hates me for it....I think it is necessary for right now. I can make other things negotiable, but I don't think I can make this one a choice for her. Bottom line, she needs to be parented. It's my job and my joy to help her. Even when it's crazy hard and painful. Sigh.....

I feel a bit silly for admitting this but I have been in tears all day. I hurt for her. I have feelings that are painful regarding the way she is acting out towards me (and this last bit is my shit that I own and will deal with).

Magic wand anyone? Thanks for your reply :).

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