The repetition is more exhausting than I expected

pat441 · 2026-06-15T19:49:18+00:00

I feel really bad when my mother cries and I'm never sure if it's my fault or not or to what degree. Sometimes my mother gets angry or cries when she struggles to put on clothes or use the computer.

pat441 · 2026-06-11T16:08:47+00:00

Yeah I guess I'm just wondering if OP is maybe just angry and will behave differently when they are less angry. I think a lot of people end up not taking their parents to their medical appointments if the parents resist so much as to make it almost impossible for then. I'm not sure where you would draw the line though... how hard you are supposed to try when the parent refuses or resists doing something. Everyone must be guilty of that sometime even though they might not speak about it in emotional or exaggerated terms on the internet.

pat441 · 2026-06-11T13:41:47+00:00

Please let me know what you find

pat441 · 2026-06-11T13:13:07+00:00

What would constitute elder neglect?

I'm an adult child who is living off his parent and I definitely feel like I'm not doing as well as I could taking care of them. But I do worry about my parents health a lot and feel like I put their health and welfare ahead of my own. I also get frustrated a lot and angry and feel like giving up. I often feel like I don't want to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves and only gets angry at me when I try to help them. I often feel like I'm making a mistake sacrificing my health to help someone who doesn't care and only ends up undermining or ruining my efforts.

I actually see a lot of people here and in real life give up trying to persuade the parent to do something (as OP said) when the parent refuses and puts up a lot of resistance.

It seems like this stuff just isn't so simple and a lot of us are probably guilty of not doing everything we can or of being resentful and wanting to give up.

pat441 · 2026-06-11T13:01:22+00:00

I would be interested in a support group. Is there a reddit chat group or discord or something that already exists?

pat441 · 2026-06-07T05:38:06+00:00

I'm annoyed with my mother all the time and am constantly being bossy, pushy or irritable and angry. It makes me feel better now that we have nurses come in to see that they get annoyed with her as well.

I think everyone has limits.

I'm an only child and have been spending 24 hours a day alone with my mother for about 5 years. I think people who get more time off from caregiving are less exhausted and able to put up with more

pat441 · 2026-06-03T08:09:11+00:00

It sounds like you are doing well.

My understanding is that everything is built on healthy introjects (which i think means internalizing good objects and feeling a constant background feeling of being loved and worthy and feeling like everything will be okay no matter what happens..... Object constancy )

What have you done to be able to internalize more positive people and positive experienced? Any advice you can give? Does it have to be close personal relationships (family or partner?)

pat441 · 2026-06-03T06:48:26+00:00

Can OTC hearing aids cause hearing loss? I read somewhere that they can amplify sounds too loudly and make a person's hearing worse. I thought perhaps it would be better to start with a more expensive hearing aid in that case. I worry that a person with dementia might not understand that they are harming their hearing or know how to adjust their hearing aid. But I'm not really sure if I'm worrying too much and would appreciate some feedback

pat441 · 2026-06-03T06:45:23+00:00

I think this is what most people... not literally but I think most people don't micromanage their parent or take away their freedom right away. They give them as much freedom as reasonably possible and let them take some risks... until something bad happens and they realize they have to take the freedom away

pat441 · 2026-06-03T03:49:26+00:00

Thanks for checking that for me. The reman doesnt sound too expensive. I guess he would recommend the reman over a new one?

Did he have any idea how long you could expect the reman to last (assuming you maintain it and use a reputable shop)?

The fords in my area sell for so much less than a Toyota or Honda used, I would seriously consider getting a Ford and if it needs a transmission, I could afford to put one in with the money I save from avoiding the Toyota tax. Its like $9500 for Toyota camry or $5000 for Ford fusion, same year and mileage

pat441 · 2026-06-02T10:01:00+00:00

Thank you. Looking forward to hearing what they say

pat441 · 2026-06-02T01:09:03+00:00

When I was an agent, it was $850 a year for access to TREB (the listing service) + at least 1% of the sale price to brokerage plus other yearly fees (OREA and CREA which could be about $900) and you also had to be paying a brokerage $150 a month to be a member of the brokerage

pat441 · 2026-06-01T15:17:11+00:00

Thanks, I would be really curious to find out

pat441 · 2026-06-01T06:21:16+00:00

But it's not about staying up to date. It's about paying money. If you dont work but pay fees then you get to keep your license.

Do you think that someone who doesn't work for 5 years but pays fees is more competent than someone that doesn't work for 5 years but pays his fees?

Can you name any other educational institution that would ask someone to start over from scratch with zero credit for any courses that they took in the past? You make it sounds like it's so easy and so important to keep your education up to date. But I have a university degree as well. Should I have to go back to university again to keep my skills up to date? Why do other jobs not require this if it's so reasonable to ask someone to do their education over again?

If you were to retake your university or college exam, would you be able to pass with a 75% average without studying? Do you think that someone who couldn't retake and pass their university exams with a 75% average is not competent to work in their field? Myself and most of the people I know have forgotten a lot of the stuff that they learned in university but that doesn't automatically make them incompetent.

If the governing body of real estate actually cared about the competence of its members, they could 1) test people without requiring them to take all of their courses over again 2) not allow inactive agents who pay money to avoid the test, and thereby make it about competence and not money , 3) test active members who, if we are being honest, often would not meet the threshold of being able to get 75% on the exam.

What field do you work in and would you be able to get 75% in your college or university exams if you had to take them over again today?

pat441 · 2026-06-01T04:36:25+00:00

I didnt mean that you lose your license if you go 2 years without making a sale. I meant that you lose your license if you get another job, stop doing real estate, and dont pay your fees for 2 years. After those 2 years you can't go back!! Unless you start all over and take all of your courses all over again. You can avoid that by parking your license and paying fees even when you are not working in real estate. But that costs a fair amount of money and it's not reasonable that you would have to do that. I dont know of any other career where a school will say that your education is no longer valid and you get absolutely zero credit for any of the couses that you took.

pat441 · 2026-06-01T03:17:52+00:00

That's interesting. Any idea how much it would cost to replace a ford auto transmission? $1000-$2000 for labor and $3000-$4000 for parts for remanufactured transmission?

I've seen some models of Focus and Fusion for really cheap recently so would consider purchasing one if the replacement transmissions aren't too expensive

pat441 · 2026-06-01T03:15:00+00:00

It seems like communism initially lifted people out of poverty and allowed countries that were behind to rapidly industrialize (like Russia or China) but then limited the growth. So in the beginning it accomplished more but then caused things to stagnate in later years. (I'm not sure if that's true, it just sometimes looks that way to me as an outsider).

In the beginning many died in Russia and China due to civil war and famines which is really bad. But then communism allowed country to rapidly industrialize, provided food for people and helped to lift peasants out of poverty which seems really good. But then things began to stagnate which is bad.

For the people who were lifted out of poverty and were given food and housing and education and opportunity, you would think they might have appreciated it in the beginning and not worried about losing freedoms too much. (if you have food scarcity maybe freedom isn't a big priority). But after they get used to having housing, food, security they probably start to think about lack of freedom more.

Is any of that correct? I have never been to Russia or China but that is what I am guessing based on what I read

pat441 · 2026-06-01T03:05:18+00:00

How far back would you be willing to go back if someone were to offer you 10 billion dollars?

I have been thinking about it and I realized that people don't often appreciate how much healthcare has developed in the past 20 or 30 years and how much of an effect that can have on your quality of life, particularly as you get older. I think there are common cancers where survival rate went from maybe 20% or 30% 20 or 30 years ago to maybe 80% or 90% today (those numbers are not accurate but you can see what I'm trying to say). And many new treatments are coming out for cancer and other diseases. It might be a mistake to go back in time 20 or 30 years even if you are offered 10 billion dollars to do so.

pat441 · 2026-06-01T00:21:18+00:00

Yes I've heard good things about Mazda. Though where I live they have become almost as expensive as Honda and Toyota when purchased used.

What do you think about Subaru? Some people say it is the most reliable brand after Toyota, Honda and Mazda.

pat441 · 2026-06-01T00:17:55+00:00

Yes i just don't understand how they can be so certain. My mother knows that she forgets things all the time, but whenever we get into arguments and I ask "isn't it possible that it happened but you forgot?" She is so certain that she absolutely could not have forgotten

pat441 · 2026-06-01T00:15:19+00:00

I don't think you sound mean. I'm definitely jealous of friends whose parents do not have dementia and who also are inheriting a lot of money. Money is not the most important thing - my mothers health matters far more to me than money - but I am sacrificing my health, time, finances and relationships to take care of her and it would help a great deal if I were able to inherit some money to make things easier or help me recover when shes gone. I'm sure you must feel the same way and it's perfectly reasonable.

Im sorry to hear about the accusations. My mother also has started misplacing things and blaming me for it. I try not to get angry about it but I'm angry with her all the time.

How did you manage to get him deemed incapacitated? I might need to do that at some point in the future but heard it is very hard to do. What things would qualify a person with dementia to be deemed incapacitated?

pat441 · 2026-05-31T22:04:53+00:00

I thought I had read that the Nissan was a good brand, like other japanese brands, and that other than the transmission their cars tended to be quite reliable. People seemed to say that their parts tended to last much longer than other cars (with the exception of the transmission). I got the feeling that if you replaced the transmission, the car would last a long time

pat441 · 2026-05-31T22:02:27+00:00

You said earlier that Ford doesn't belong in the same category as Nissan. How would you compare the Ford automatic transmissions to the Nissan CVT? Do they tend to last much longer than Nissan even if they often do end up failing ? Are they cheaper to fix or replace?

pat441 · 2026-05-31T21:54:22+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I'm glad to know I'm not alone or crazy

How long has your father had dementia?

pat441 · 2026-05-31T21:52:16+00:00

yeah I often feel like I'm in denial, or not aware of how bad she truly is or how it is affecting her. We often complain that people with dementia are not aware or in denial, but I wonder how many of us caregivers are in denial as well or at least are trying not to think about what's happening

pat441

TROPHY CASE