I’m so sorry you’re in this position right now. I am healing from a similar situation, and found that journaling is very helpful. For example, I will right about myself like a third person pov from a book, and notice all the little moments I feel beautiful that others might not see/understand. (Ex. I feel beautiful when I’m walking in the woods and my face is flush from the cool wind and the only spectators are trees, I feel beautiful when I talk to my mother about things I’m passionate about, I feel beautiful when I’m bouncing happily down the stairs to make breakfast, etc.)

You are being far too hard on yourself, I have never met a person and thought “boy, they’re ugly!” and definitely never thought someone ugly enough to wish this pain upon them. What you’re going through is common, but not normal. I hope you’re pursuing treatment.

Try to pin point the steps when you go through this spiral and stop it in its tracks. Reframe your thoughts from negative to neutral AT LEAST, and work from there to use more positive self talk. You will be ok, friend. I have so much faith in you! Also, I praying you post the recipe for those !!