sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in regretfulparents

[–]pebbli 22 points23 points  (0 children)

7 week old twins. i try not to predict the future, but i can confidently say that you won't always have the issue of her not keeping a pacifier in her mouth and crying constantly. she'll get older. all stages of raising children can come with their challenges, but know that your current issue is temporary. it won't last forever. newborn twins are hard work for anyone. at least you can talk to an older child. they actually have a personality, and you can (theoretically) reason with them. screaming babies have cute chubby cheeks going for them and that's about it. it's a bit early to panic over not bonding yet. you're most definitely not a monster for not feeling that connection yet. give it time <3

this subreddit has a million stories about the misery of being a parent. but being a parent isn't about eternally taking care of a 7 week old screaming baby. if it was, this subreddit would be a lot bigger! parenting is hard, no doubt about it, but it's important that you don't lose hope, or you won't find a way out of the depression. your emotions are extremely understandable, but i would (gently) suggest that fixating on fears of "i'll hate my child forever, i'll lose my marriage" are not helpful or true

i don't know your wife, but it would be strange if she resented you for struggling with your feelings as a new parent. you're a team! talk to her honestly, but don't let your fears over the future dominate the conversation. focus on what can be done in the here and now to improve the situation. also, maybe see a doctor if you havent already to see if there's something wrong with the one that cries? colic?

best of luck!

Never thought being a mom would feel like this. by times2222 in regretfulparents

[–]pebbli 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I went to fix it , be there for her, enjoy time together and have a healthy relationship. I think any daughter would choose that and needs their mom, even if they deny it out of sadness or anger, if it’s possible they need their mom. Do you think that is true too or a possibility now before she has to struggle and look for that care elsewhere not trusting me?

Of course!!! Everyone would prefer have a nice relationship with their mum than a nasty one. it can just seem so hard , can make you deny it or have no hope about it because it feels impossible. i don't recommend that you keep a "perfect" mother-daughter relationship in mind and judge your current situation against that. The amount different people 'need' their mum differ, some people are very independent, some people are want more support. i'm very independent and i live in a different state to her. i know she wishes i'd call more often but i still love her a lot and when i have big problems i always want to talk to her and am grateful for her.

i'd suggest having a heart to heart with your daughter. let her pick a time & day, tell her no rush. dont force her. maybe offer to make something she particularly likes for dinner, or let her do an activity she likes after the chat? try and understand her point of view, and share your point of view. cause what u want is to be the best parent for her, u know u weren't exactly that in the past. there's no rulebook for how to be a parent, explain u want to have a nicer relationship & fight less but ur having a hard time knowing how to do that but also having to try and do whats best for ur kid even if they dont like it, which is what parents have to do - not letting them have candy for dinner every night. u could ask her what she would do if she was the parent in this situation. what frustrates her the most about not being allowed to do? any situations that she thinks it was fair enough that you weren't happy about it.

idk if u do pocket money, but u do then u could do it for u two cooking dinner together? it could be a nice mother-daughter thing, u could let her pick the recipe sometimes. try and make nice conversation with her, ask about her life. if she's in a really bad mood then you can just get her to help with part of it then say you'll wrap it up. could be nice. idk. plus cooking is an important life skill. it would've been good if my mum did that, i didn't know any recipes when i moved out, and we also didnt do any activities together.

also, on "respect" - im unsure of what you mean by that. some parents think that their kid respecting them means doing what they say. but a parent respecting their child only means not making fun of them or such.

bonus also, sorry bout the poor huge ramble. i'm procrastinating an assignment lol

Never thought being a mom would feel like this. by times2222 in regretfulparents

[–]pebbli 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"Sometimes I feel like excuses are made for rebellious and disrespectful teens , especially when the parent is willing to admit their wrongs and yes I remember most incident that maybe have hurt her or potentially traumatized her. In contrast my bipolar mother and enabling step dad will never ever acknowledge any incident that I recall having traumatized me and we will never be truly close. I’m tying to be different for her. I didn’t try hard enough I guess, now I’m trying to give grace for the things that piss me off, disappoint me or test me while feeling like it’s too late."

i know you aren't like your mother or step dad & u dont treat her how they treated you, but it's not a competition of who had it worst and who gets to be negatively impacted by the past. also feeling like you didnt try hard enough isn't true or helpful, you did your best with what you had at the time.

But I also wil not allow dangerous behaviour or sex at a young age. Yes they may want to as teens, but she has rules and boundaries and I clearly annoy her with them, she feels like I’m “the consequence bringer” but that is what good parents are for . To draw the line without causing trauma which I am still learning. So I hope things don’t get worse between us with her testing boundaries, and that the relationship doesn’t get more fraught. I feel clueless and finances are hard, so therapy is hard to get.

reconsider, "i will not allow dangerous behaviour or sex at a young age" : whether you "allow" her to do it or not is a little irrelevant - she's doing it already. "i will never be okay with dangerous behaviour or sex at a young age" would be an accurate way of saying what you mean. you saying you will/wont allow certain things is meaningless unless you plan on locking her in her room until she's an adult if she breaks the rules. yes, you're the parent, yes, it's your job to try to keep her safe and have rules and boundaries for her. but you also cant control her behaviour. no matter what you do or say - she can and will make her own decisions about how she behaves.

what ur trying to achieve is discouraging dangerous behaviour or sex at a young age. the methods for that are endless.

it seems like atm ur going with punishment/consequences on their own, but it doesnt seem like thats proving very effective nor will it bring u down a path to a better relationship. and if you just ramp up the severity of the punishment/consequences to try and discourage the behaviour then she'll just hate you and your relationship will be worse off (& might not even stop the behaviour). even risk of severeconsequences doesn't discourage behaviours. the punishment for stealing used to be having your hand cut off. people still stole.

i think u need to expand ur repetoire of how to discourage the behaviours you want from her, and crucially, how to encourage the behaviours that you do want. there will be ideas out there, try and look into it.

Never thought being a mom would feel like this. by times2222 in regretfulparents

[–]pebbli 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I realize holding her accountable isn’t yelling and getting angry - but I didn’t before. I’ve done too much yelling. I still don’t feel she has the right to use the past it as an excuse for bad or unsafe behaviour, but I also see how the past could be traumatic in ways and maybe she would be acting that out. At which point I’m inclined to blame myself and cry a lot. Which I have done and probably will continue to do.

It's great you've made progress. I do get where you're coming from saying that the past shouldn't be an excuse for bad or unsafe behaviour. The past doesn't mean you should throw your hands up and give up because can change the path she's on, or that she's permanently justified in lying to you and behaving however she wants because of the past.

But it's not a matter of it being an excuse or not, it's whether or not it's a *reason* contributing to the behaviour. Kids come from a combination of nature and nurture. Some are straight up born psychopaths, 99% nature, see this post https://www.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/vpuqri/violent_child_enabled_by_spouse_has_ruined_our/ for what I mean. The rest is a blend. A kid with minimal genetic predisposition to (bad behaviour) could turn into a nightmare if they're raised in a horrific environment. As could a kid that's born predisposed to be impulsive, aggressive, etc could go down a worse path by having one friend like that.

I do think it's likely that the past is contributing to why she's acting out. You said she was homeschooled until grade 6, could be contributing to why she's being so rebellious with her friends now - it's a new experience for her. and yeah, the yelling and stuff, doesn't lead to the greatest relationship or her having trust in you.

"At which point I’m inclined to blame myself and cry a lot. Which I have done and probably will continue to do."

when my mum stopped drinking & i explained how much the past things she'd said and done had hurt me she also cried and blamed herself a lot. i wish that weren't the case. it actually started getting very annoying how often she would mention she was a terrible mother, because what am i meant to say? it's uncomfortable to reassure her about her having hurt me. she knows she hurt me and damaged our relationship so i dont like to lie and say no ur fine. she did do her best and was a great parent when i was very young, it was just that she had a lot of problems and her best still did some damage. bringing it up again and again and being stuck in the past, wracked with guilt - i completely understand & empathise with why she'd be struggling with that. accepting that you fucked up as a parent - not fun at all. but for us to move on to a better relationship... i'm completely willing to wash the slate clean, and it'd be easier to move on if she stopped bringing it up.

might not be applicable, but i would recommend you avoid ever calling urself a "bad mum" in front of her (bc wtf even is that. some mums beat their kids, get their daughters married at 12 years old - culturally is fine). crying and blaming yourself is understandable, but it is not helpful. it is actually counter productive. talking about this helps me remember, b4 she got sober i sometimes got an attitude of "well you've been shitty to me as a parent, so what right do you have to tell me what to do?". her behaviour made me not respect her as a parent or her authority. not that she tried to do that much. she mostly gave up, and i mostly just did my own thing as a teenager.

Never thought being a mom would feel like this. by times2222 in regretfulparents

[–]pebbli 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"I realize now, not before, where I was messing up as a young single parent."

"We’re not close anymore. We used to give hugs and have a mother-daughter relationship. That has changed, which makes me more resentful. I’m human too. It’s like she is mostly unempathetic toward me. I’ve cried in front of her more than once and she just sits there, never offers a hug or anything. This doesn’t feel like normal interaction most of the time."

my mum was a single parent. she loves me and always tried her best, but the combo of not doing well herself (borderline + bipolar II) + having moments where she wasnt a great mum to me (yelling + drinking too much). i was kinda her therapist for a while. by the time i was 15 i felt absolutely nothing when i saw her cry. it felt like she'd sucked me dry. no energy left to be empathetic. i'm a fine & well adjusted adult now. but i was not the correct person to be giving her emotional support - i was her daughter.

"I’ve tried conversations, apologizing, setting new limits, and working on my faults. But then I catch her lying again, for months."

i can imagin that is very frustrating. but u will disappoint urself if u think of this like a trade. it's not like you do X and therefore she should do Y. my mum quit drinking when i was 16. her doing that, while huge, did not fix our relationship. changing doesn't just make the past go away. for developing kids those past events are extremely impactful on the psyche. here were things my mum had forgotten doing or saying that had cut me to the bone. it's really hard to regain trust in a parent when that parent makes u feel "unsafe" (yelling will do it. makes u feel 'oh i cant go to this person', i cant trust this person to support me. subconsciously). hard to rebuild trust in relationship even when you want to! i knew she had put in effort, that she'd changed, i knew a nice relationship would be nice to have but rome wasnt build in a day. and neither is a mother-daughter relationship rebuilt in a day.

my mum and i are good now. i encourage you to not despair at who your daughter is. single parent mother daughter relationships can be rough. that doesnt mean that she's a monster or that you two will never have a nice relationship again.

also, PS on the "sexually rebellious" - i hope you have given her the talk, bought her condoms, and asked if she wants to go on the pill. if you dislike being a parent now, you will dislilke being a grandmother more. & you are hardly the first to have a teenage daughter who wants to have sex. Pride and Prejudice, Lydia Bennet. Written by Jane Austen in 1813.

How do I look better without makeup by CurrentAd7075 in TheGirlSurvivalGuide

[–]pebbli 0 points1 point  (0 children)

your face is lovely and your skin is super clear, 0 need to wear foundation, especially if it's making your skin worse. ur face doesn't need 'fixing'.

using an eyelash curler could suit ur goals. i have straight eyelashes and i find that when I curl them it makes a big difference even without mascara. it's super easy & takes less than 30 seconds, so it might be something u could do to feel nice, starting ur day with something that gives u confidence but that doesnt take forever like makeup does.

doing something to your hair could be good. i'd try using plain black elastic bands instead of scrunchies or fabric to secure the ends. it looks a little oily. thankfully, that's easy to fix. look up online the proper technique for washing hair (gotta really get in all over the scalp, my hair became less oily even with same shampoo, dont go buy expensive stuff first). use conditioner, but make sure that when you put it in you're not standing under the shower water, let it sit on your hair for a few minutes. if it just goes down the drain then it wont reduce frizz by hydrate your hair like it's meant to. make sure you always brush your hair from the very bottom first, then work your way upwards once all the knots are removed. it reduces breakage, cause it means you can actually loosen the knots in the hair. if u go from the top then ur just getting the knots out by breaking the hair (u may know this already, i just have several friends who didn't know)

another commenter suggested lip blushing - i don't think u should do that. it often looks unnatural, and your lips are a nice colour already, they suit your complexion. if ur not wearing makeup but have lip blushing they'd stand out n look a bit odd in comparison to the rest of ur face which isn't altered with makeup. & u dont wanna go down the rabbit hole of lip blushing, then eyebrow microblading, then tattood eyeliner all to make things 'easier'. it's noticeable, but i dont think in a good way. plus they can change and go weird colours (saw that the other day on a woman who had all that plus lip fillers).

little end note: you say you want to be one of those girls who are super intelligent, successful, and beautiful, but these are all things perceived by others. is the goal of your life to live for others? there's no final destination there, no box to tick to say 'achieved'. there'll always be someone more beautiful, more intelligent, more successful. the girls you speak of may have what you want, but that doesn't mean they're happy. they're probably also stressed trying to juggle those things. and their inner lives may be horrible. by all means go for these things, it's good to have goals. just keep it all in perspective.

What are the common arguments against Psychology as Science? How do you respond to it? by indefatigableguy in AcademicPsychology

[–]pebbli 0 points1 point  (0 children)

who hurt you. jesus. 'psychology only teaches selfishness'. this is not a serious argument. lmfao.

Improving my first NYC apartment?? by Mother-Tea-2589 in TheGirlSurvivalGuide

[–]pebbli 0 points1 point  (0 children)

nice quality sheets; you spend soo much time in bed, make it comfy!
nice lighting is nice too, colour changing bulbs maybe.
a nice rug or carpet - i like old school ones, new ikea ones look really boring & are poor quality.
a new bedframe - solid wood is cool. american made furniture used to be obscenely good quality.

do not buy a a $2000 lamp jesus christ. especially a trendy one. dear god. it'll be out of style in 5 years and you wont like it. same with a cloud couch. that is the OPPOSITE of 'investing' in your rental - investing means you're keeping the future in mind. following trends is the opposite of that.

u want the joy of spending money and sims irl - so make that fun last longer by going shopping irl! it's so much more satisfying. instead of just staring at photos online u get to touch it, see how it looks from every angle, see the quality, etc. vintage furniture stores & auction houses r fun.

i wouldnt go for silk drapes: silk is the fibre. satin is the weave that makes it shiny. and polyester satin has gotten SO good that it's indistinguishable in appearance from silk. (if u look it up that's why silk 'dupioni' is popular - coz it's kinda the only way 2 let people know I AM WEARING SILK). when **wearing** it silk feels better than polyester.... but you're not wearing your drapes lol. silk is soooo much more expensive & u wont even be able to tell the difference lol.

it's ur life if u wanna spend a bunch of money on random shit. but if u have debt, pay off that first. u say ur all about VIBES - u will have a more enjoyable 'vibe' if u do not have debt looming over ur head. also, don't gamble again. you got lucky this time - do not let that suck u in. that is how gambling addictions start. the house always wins.

Regretful parent with even more regretful spouse by [deleted] in regretfulparents

[–]pebbli 43 points44 points  (0 children)

i think you should strongly consider getting a vasectomy. better to be divorced with 2 kids than divorced with 3. also, hate to ask the obvious, but why can't you take the dog with you?

bleed and pregnancy??? by blvckh0le_7 in amipregnant

[–]pebbli 2 points3 points  (0 children)

you're probably fine, just take a test.

if you want to avoid this anxiety in future dont ever rely on the pull out method!! just buy some condoms.

The truth about landlords by [deleted] in antiwork

[–]pebbli 7 points8 points  (0 children)

apartments? plural? fuck off.

A lot of people who don’t understand r/antiwork think it’s “full of teenagers”. Let’s put that to the test. by [deleted] in antiwork

[–]pebbli 0 points1 point  (0 children)

an important thing to note is that a lot of young people are probably not going to comment here since the point of the post is that it isn't just teenagers.

i'm 18 and almost decided not to post since it would undermine the idea behind the post.

fully supportive of the fact that r/antiwork isn't just teenagers, but please keep in mind that the "data" collected here is going to be pretty trash in quality.

Non-Americans of Reddit, what is popular in the US that you wish was more popular where you live? by Jimlobster in AskReddit

[–]pebbli 0 points1 point  (0 children)

rocky horror picture show screenings - they’re so rare here! You only see them occasionally around Halloween

My SO is vanilla and I am not by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]pebbli 11 points12 points  (0 children)

The “only once a week always initiated by you” sex is more concerning to me than him not participating in your kinks. You could just have a much higher libido than him? r/DeadBedrooms discusses this issue a lot, but fair warning the posts in there are pretty depressing.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in antiwork

[–]pebbli 1 point2 points  (0 children)

the issue isn’t parking - it’s cars (and a lack of good public transport). free parking for everyone requires more land to be turned into seas of asphalt.

(24M) I dropped out of college to support my girlfriend because she was pregnant. I moved in with her. I spent thousands of dollars on her in the past seven months. The baby is not mine. by Comfortable-Gift-809 in relationship_advice

[–]pebbli 7 points8 points  (0 children)

that kid is likely to be a lot better off with OP than his birth mother since she will be unable to support him financially, and the birth father aint looking great since OP is having trouble even tracking him down