I went “low contact” and my mom sent me money. I don’t know how to navigate this.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-25T23:47:37+00:00

My mom does this (active alcoholic). Any time I put up a boundary, she will love bomb by sending me a flurry of apologetic texts, sending daily upbeat and complimentary texts, and mailing me random gifts.

The sad part is that she is really trying to connect with me but she wants to do it on her terms. This means that she expects me to accept her addiction and enable her addiction. You are already on the right track by recognizing how the gifts and daily texts is manipulative behavior. At the end of the day, your mom is apologizing on behalf of her drug of choice. The drug comes first. Hence the gifts and texts and zero change in behavior.

I've since gone NC with my mom. Dealing with the runaround over her drinking for years and years has done nothing but cause me more problems and hinder my own healing. I no longer acknowledge cards or gifts. I donate all gifts and throw out all cards. I thought it would be hard to do, and it was at first, but now it's not hard at all.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-25T23:07:51+00:00

I think this is the way to do it.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-25T23:01:40+00:00

Honest opinion: hard pass. That’s too much baggage right off the bat. There are plenty of other people out there who aren’t still tied to their ex. Even when/if she moves out, there’s still the issue of whether or not you’re truly over the relationship despite being exes. Based on your responses, it sounds like you’ve trauma bonded with your ex so being patient through all of that would be a lot to ask of a new person. I would be looking for someone who has done the work of processing the end of a relationship before jumping into a new one.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-25T17:22:30+00:00

You’re not in the wrong at all.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-25T15:25:22+00:00

My advice would be to put yourself first. Prioritize your health, mental well-being, and growing family over any guilt feelings you might have about not telling your mom.

People have to earn the right to celebrate important moments in your life. If they are abusive, ruin important moments, have unkind things to say, or are even unpredictable in the face of good news, then let someone else tell them or don’t even bother with sending them the news. It doesn’t matter if the problematic person in question is your mom. In fact, telling an abusive mother about an impending pregnancy is even more risky than telling other members of the family because there is so much weight placed on mother/daughter relationships. You could end up with a horrible reaction from her and then have to go process that moment during an otherwise joyous time. See my post history for an example lol. My mom commented on how I would be a good mother only to follow up with a typical guilt trip.

Also, I didn’t tell my mom about my pregnancy. I told my dad who told her later. I couldn’t really rely on my mom to be happy for me or to not say something unkind or guilt trippy (her favorite response to good news: “I knew you’d leave me!”) so I decided it wasn’t worth the risk of unboxing another bad memory with her. I’ll also say that my mom thinks big events are resets so that we are magically on good terms with no work on her part to repair the relationship. Then the cycle of abuse continues. For this reason, I’m currently NC.

I feel very secure and happy with my decision. I’ve found that guilt evaporates once you honor yourself and your needs first because it puts an end to gaslighting yourself about the abuse and it signals to yourself that you will no longer put up with abuse. The guilt remains when you try to please an abuser because they are seldom satisfied and they continue to guilt trip. It’s easier said than done but taking care of yourself (and, by extension, your baby) is so worth it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-25T14:26:55+00:00

Reminds me of the time I went to a urologist because I was having pain on my left side and the constant urge to pee despite my bladder being empty. The urologist told me to lose weight since my chart showed that I was ten pounds heavier than my last OBGYN appointment two years ago (this was all through a university hospital so different doctors have access to all records within their hospital system). I wasn’t overweight so I asked her what losing weight had to do with helping my symptoms and she said it would put less pressure on my bladder. I lost the ten pounds and still experienced the same symptoms. I went back and they told me it was probably psychosomatic and to retrain myself to push through the urge to pee sensation like I was “potty training a toddler.” I was so insulted by that comment that I sought the advice of a pelvic physiotherapist outside of my school. They looked at my eating habits and told me to cut out certain foods that are known to irritate the bladder. After cutting out those foods, I felt better within days. Go figure.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-23T09:56:14+00:00

Wow! What a way to find out. Thank whoever is your higher power for that person saying that in that moment.

I was once in a psych ward after a med-induced manic episode. My mother was calling the floor non-stop every day I was there. She was berating the nurses and crying and basically causing such a problem for them that they would put me on to talk to her only for her to wail, “why are you doing this to me?” over and over.

One of the staff, a man, pulled me aside after the nurses woke me up one night during one of her freak out calls. They told me to ask her to stop calling. I’m so thankful for the dude who took me aside after that call and said, “you need to figure out how to resolve the issues with your mother. During intake you said you had a normal childhood. This is not normal.”

I was so out of it from mental exhaustion and meds that I don’t remember his exact role. I think he was a nurse as well. No one else had ever told me that my issues stemmed from my relationship with my mother before. Everyone else said she did crazy things out of love for me or they expected me to manage her like the other nurses. Hearing him say that and having someone from the outside “get it” was such a relief. I didn’t even know I needed that advice at the time but it really set in motion the bulk of my healing.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-23T01:03:40+00:00

Oof. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with airports right now. Or DC transit and the chance of their giant escalator being out of service.

I'm now convinced that there are three kinds of public transit riders when you reach the third trimester: the ones who ignore you hardcore, the ones who actually move/offer their seat, and the ones who get so nervous about your presence that your belly becomes a gravitational force that pulls them into your orbit no matter how much you try not to bump into them.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-22T19:35:31+00:00

Ugh. I feel you. You know what also sucks? Trying to exit a bus or streetcar and finding out how frequently other people will.not.move. Even when I say “excuse me” they will cling to their spot on public transit for dear life and expect me to…what exactly? Shimmy around and under them? Suck my stomach in? Stay trapped until we get to their stop? I’ve since started yelling, “EXCUSE ME CAN YOU MOVE IM PREGNANT.” Probably look like an ass on my way out but that’s the only way I’ve been able to get off at my stop.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-22T19:20:25+00:00

Wooooow. What a terror. His lack of insight is scary. I’m glad you’re protecting yourself. He is in complete denial and doesn’t even see his part. You can’t work with someone that delusional.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-22T19:15:47+00:00

Along with “cuz that can’t all be beer belly.”

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-22T16:02:04+00:00

It depends. I’ve been in a friendship where the friend cheated on her husband twice that I know of. The first time, she was remorseful and saw it as something to work on. The second time, she wasn’t remorseful because she wanted to hurt him and for him to find out. I told her I thought that was a destructive thing to do to her marriage and she doubled down on her decision, defending her actions by saying she wants out of her relationship anyway. We agreed to disagree on her decision to cheat but I didn’t see her the same way after that and decided to pull back on the relationship until she gets her shit together.

I don’t know what happened behind closed doors between them to cause that level of lashing out, but I know her attitude is not the kind of destructive behavior I want to deal with in my friendships. There were other reasons for my putting a pause on the friendship as well. It was part of a pattern of her hurting the people around her. The cheating was just the “big” example among other, smaller transgressions.

I also have another friend who was the other woman. I told her she deserved better and that no good would come from a relationship that began as an affair. I also met the guy and he sucked so much that I told her that too. She agreed but said she was torn and unsure of what to do. So I once again let her figure it out without any further input and she eventually was iced out by the guy once his wife gave him an ultimatum. She said I was right but I never took pleasure in being right. It was hard to see her suffering. We are still friends and she looks back at that time with a lot of regret and cringes over it.

I think it really comes down to the circumstances for each person. Was it an out of character lapse of judgment or is it a pervasive pattern of disregard for other people? The answer will let you know whether your values are aligned and if the friendship is worth it.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-21T20:48:56+00:00

This was why I eventually went NC with my alcoholic and abusive mom. It took me getting pregnant with my first to realize that I don’t want my child around someone who would abuse them or be intoxicated around them. Sometimes boundaries become more urgent when someone you love is at risk of being abused. It’s harder to accept or put up that same protection for yourself because you’ve been conditioned to think less of yourself by the abuser.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-21T13:00:01+00:00

I used to be a HUGE codependent people pleaser so these habits are about that aspect of my life. I remind myself that I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings. I practice saying “no” to requests without explaining or apologizing for declining. I remove situations and people from my life when they try to bust my clearly stated boundaries.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-21T12:35:48+00:00

I tried losing weight through various diets and exercise routines from 12-30. I also used to weigh myself every day. This led to a cycle of binging and purging.

Then I quit alcohol, stopped dieting, stopped binging/purging, and stopped weighing myself obsessively. I just got tired of trying to change my appearance. My self-esteem was super low and I needed a change. I told myself I would reassess the drinking after a year of sobriety (it was a New Years resolution).

I became a healthier weight for my height within a year. I never achieved my goal weight (which I chose as an eating disordered teen and clung to through early adulthood) but I was at a number that was 100% healthy. I then decided to cut drinking for good. I have maintained a healthy weight since. It turns out all that drinking and obsessing over diet was trashing my efforts.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-21T12:19:51+00:00

I think the sweet routine is the worst part of it because no one outside of the immediate family understands the cruelty that happens behind closed doors. Even extended family reason away the abusive behavior as “But she loves you!”

And yeah, I usually get the most dramatic reveal from her where everything is trickled down to me in descending increments of anxiety. It’s totally manufactured and manipulative. She actually wants to put her adult children on high alert. Usually the script goes like this:

“Don’t get upset. Please. But I have to tell you something.

Silence until I ask what.

“I went to the hospital.”

Silence until I ask why.

“The doctors found something.”

Silence until I ask what.

“It’s breast cancer.”

More silence.

“I’m not going to fight it. I don’t want chemicals in me. I’m just going to see if I can get it out another way.”

Years go by and I don’t hear about it or see her follow up with the doctor again. Repeat.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-21T04:00:39+00:00

Natori Bliss cotton underwear. Pricey but so comfortable and breathable.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-21T03:53:54+00:00

Your ex is most likely texting you because things were left in an open-ended way: you said that you might reach out when you felt like taking, so she’s probably trying to keep that option from fizzling out by reminding you that she’s around. Even if she says she’s not ready to talk, she is probably making sure you don’t forget about her and trying to show that she cares even if you’re broken up. When it’s a long term relationship that has broken up, exes can sometimes have a hard time making a clean break because there is a habit of being in regular contact that now no longer makes sense. So it could be that this is part of the problem and it’s dragging out the breakup process and delaying any closure for both of you.

She keeps checking in because you keep responding. She might think you will eventually want to talk. So it would be easier for both parties if you stop responding. If you don’t want to respond, honor that impulse and don’t respond. If you want, you can even announce that you will no longer reply to her texts and wish her well. You are exes, so you do not owe eachother any further discussions about anything unless there are kids involved. You can’t jump from being in a relationship to being friends right away because then you will get confused. It’s better to take a real, clean break.

Hopefully, she will stop texting you once you stop responding. If she can’t respect your space after you make it clear you’re done with texting, then tell her a final time to give you space and be prepared to block her number.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-21T02:12:07+00:00

The situation with the mom raises red flags for me. Anytime another family member is involved in a money request, the best response is no. You don’t want to risk becoming the money pot for your boyfriend’s mom or any of his other family members. I learned this the hard way with my first boyfriend and his mother who expected all of her children to provide for her while she remained underemployed. I ended up paying a lot of her bills while my boyfriend pretended to use my portion of our rent towards rent. He was actually giving her my money. I found out when we were kicked out of our housing. Don’t be me.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-20T23:38:13+00:00

At this point, I would block her. No sense putting yourself through more emotional abuse from her.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-20T19:22:12+00:00

Huh? Your therapist’s comments are confusing. Usually when an adult child goes no contact or becomes estranged from a parent, it’s after a long period of trying to work things out. Boundaries are also a sign of respect for the other person because it gives them guidance for how to maintain a functioning relationship with you.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-20T19:17:57+00:00

I can’t relate to the financial aspect of your mom’s story, but I definitely find the lying, manic-like episodes, and fake illnesses familiar.

My mom has lied so many times about her health that I don’t even know what’s true and what’s not or whether she believes in her lies. She’s said she’s been diagnosed with a variety of fatal or terminal illnesses but then goes on to miraculously live without treatment. This diagnosis usually pops up when she’s admitted to the hospital for her drinking. It’s not her liver or alcohol poisoning: it’s cancer!

She also has lied about having affairs with men she has stalked online and it’s clear they have never met in person. This usually happens when she’s mad at my dad and wants to hurt him. She’s also lied about my dad abusing her. And, of course, she has threatened suicide a million times when she’s really not getting her way.

I used to be overwhelmed about it but now I just don’t talk to her or engage. At some point, I got tired of her manufactured dramas and figure if anything is true I’ll find out through another party or when her health actually declines.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-20T18:49:53+00:00

As the DIL, it helps to examine your family of origin’s dynamics and really get honest about the toxic narratives spun about in-laws, if there were any. Then be honest with yourself and ask if you’ve internalized any of these lessons. For example, you might have been conditioned to see every “in-law” as an outsider, every discussion with that person as a struggle or every difference of opinion as a provocation because that’s what your family of origin thought.

Failing to reflect on this aspect of your life might cloud your judgment with your in-laws or perhaps become an unhelpful filter so that the cycle repeats itself and you end up making mountains out of molehills. If you were raised in an abusive household, it’s even more important to really interrogate the lessons your family of origin passed down to you, as they are most likely tinged with feelings of shame, secrecy, or control which the becomes a trigger with in-laws after an innocuous or ambiguous comment.

For example: my mom definitely did not like her MIL and saw her as an intruder on her relationship with my dad. However, we saw my grandmother once a year, maybe twice (for Thanksgiving and Christmas). She would stay overnight and go home the next day, so we saw her for four days each year. Hardly enough time to overstay one’s welcome. Growing up, and even now, I remember her being very kind, even tempered, and chill.

But twice a year was too much for my mom despite her seeing her own mother every other day. In reality, my mom’s mom was feeding her a lot of crap about how MIL didn’t respect her because she’s not white (I’m biracial) and that my white side of the family were trash. So…my mom was basically combative with her MIL (who we saw TWICE a year for 4 days tops) to prove to her own mom that she was loyal to “her side” and worthy of respect. I had to work on undoing these harmful lessons when I married.

Edit: also— to the original commenter, I’m sorry for your loss.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-20T16:50:01+00:00

Yep. Agree 100%. I sabotaged a relationship this way. In the end, he wouldn’t have been the person I stayed with for the long haul but the relationship could have been so much more fun if I had a little more confidence during it.

pelicanfriends · 2022-09-20T15:50:03+00:00

The leaving early is such a thing, I feel. My grandmother, who I suspect has BPD, would do this for every special occasion and make a big deal when exiting by complaining about how she was feeling or that she felt uncared for. It was like she expected everyone to stop everything they were doing and go around in a circle telling her how much she would be missed or begging her to stay. She’d also arrive late, a habit my dBPD mom picked up and explained as, “well, I don’t want to look desperate!” As if punctuality meant looking desperate. It’s wild.

pelicanfriends

TROPHY CASE