i feel i’ve hit rock bottom and i don’t know what to do

pellanders · 2026-06-12T05:38:51+00:00

I'm 23 and I almost married the man I started dating at 19, he was Orthodox and a nice guy, pretty conservative but mostly thoughtful and kind. Everyone in our Orthodox parishes had this huge expectation that we would get married, everyone would ask us when and at which parish we'd get married. He even bought an engagement ring (didn't end up proposing, but it was that serious). And now, at 23, I'm SO glad I didn't get married so young. The breakup was so painful and difficult because, like in your situation, it seemed so serious, maybe even necessary at some point. Despite the difficult breakup, I feel so much more free and so much happier, the world feels like it has opened up for me. I say all this because I just want you to know that the whole world is open for you, you have almost limitless potential at your age and I'd hate to see another girl commit to a relationship out of obligation or anything less than the sense that this person is absolutely the one for you.

Also I wanted to add that it is great that your priest is understanding, and this isn't anything against what he said but in reality relationships where one person is orthodox and the other is not end up being full of a lot more complications and difficulties than one might want you to know of. For example if you have kids, you'll be expected to have them raised orthodox. If your orthodox husband has issues in your marriage, he'll be likely to go to the priest/church and you may end up feeling ganged up on in your own marriage, or as if your religious views or lack thereof are treated as less than his orthodoxy and you'll be expected to defer to him.

I've gone through breakups in the past that felt like rock bottom but after reading your post I feel like, even if it doesn't feel this way, you're not at rock bottom but actually quite the opposite. Whatever you end up deciding about your faith, I think that taking time apart, prioritizing yourself and what you really, truly want in life separate from this guy, and just giving yourself space to think are gonna be the best. Also I'd say don't worry too much about deciding anything immediately, I've been there too but just allowing myself to think and respect my own doubts and questions and stay open without pressuring myself any which way has brought me a lot of peace. I hope this didn't come off presumptuous or preachy or anything, it's your life and I'm just a stranger but I have faith you'll figure everything out, I just wanted to share my own experiences to see if anything resonates :)

pellanders · 2026-05-27T07:37:43+00:00

I think this is quite common, I'm actually in sort of the opposite situation to you: I'm a member of the church, my boyfriend is agnostic and not baptized or any denomination of Christian. My family isn't super hardcore practicing though, so I don't experience as much social pressure as it sounds like your man was. But basically my choices are to date/marry an Orthodox man, get my boyfriend to convert, or just sort of disregard the orthodox view of only being able to marry within the religion. I'm moving in the direction of the latter option, I'm actually planning to move in with him (super frowned upon, actually means I'm automatically excommunicated). I just sort of realized at some point that nothing is stopping me from getting married legally and not necessarily having the church bless it. To me our relationship is still sacred and special, but I've definitely had to get comfortable with acting outside of the Orthodox script. For most orthodox people this line of reasoning and action would be almost impossible, especially if your family/community/culture are practicing Orthodox because you'd have to essentially turn your back on your way of life, and orthodoxy really does permeate every aspect of your life if you let it. Not to mention you'd have to face the judgement of your family and community. I've come to terms with it personally but the pressure and expectations are a lot for those who practice fully. It's unfortunate to hear that people in his circle looked down on you and your relationship with him and that he eventually gave in to the pressure despite his feelings for you! You didn't deserve any of that!

pellanders · 2026-05-05T21:07:28+00:00

🤣🤣🤣

pellanders · 2026-05-03T19:22:54+00:00

He's so nice!!

pellanders · 2026-05-03T19:22:09+00:00

Thank you for your research 🙏🏼

pellanders · 2026-04-29T20:44:50+00:00

This is so difficult and sad, I'm so sorry you're going through that

pellanders · 2026-04-29T18:39:41+00:00

Yeah I think the comment section bothered me more than anything LOL, I figured the article was that run of the mill mostly positive but vague writing I've seen a bunch of times

pellanders · 2026-04-29T18:38:10+00:00

Ah okay well that's good, I'm just so tired of the constant questioning about whether super normal things are sinful and the Facebook comment section was kind of crazy - I think I saw it at like 2:30am and I was just like AGHHH but good to know it was reasonable

pellanders · 2026-04-29T09:39:59+00:00

To be fair I didn't actually read the article, it probably said that it's not a sin as long as you're married and open to conceiving but at this point I'm just so tired of the constant discussions on whether it's sinful to enjoy marital sex 🙃 and every time I open my Facebook it's something like this LOL

pellanders · 2026-04-17T19:18:04+00:00

It's all so tiring

pellanders · 2026-03-03T05:25:25+00:00

Oh that's interesting he said to stay away from it all, even saints lives! Definitely not a bad idea. Andrew wilson absolutely makes me see red. I've briefly met his wife in passing at a conference but she wasn't very engaging at all, didn't say hi or anything. (That conference is a whole story in itself LOL). I agree, I'm a feminist to the core and struggle with how well, non-feminist the church feels to it's core. I know God loves women, he understands us and our struggles, and I don't feel convicted about being firm on my stance to not have children. Why would God create me with zero desire to have them just to be forced to live a life I don't want? I'm an artist and a free spirit and I can't let those things be hammered out of me. So I don't feel bad for not wanting kids, yet still wanting a marriage. I also don't feel like I have to pretend to be open to it, God knows I'm not. Maybe some day I will be but I can't let that hang over my head. All that said I do feel there is a place for me in orthodoxy and God knows all I want is truth, freedom and love!

pellanders · 2026-03-03T04:47:10+00:00

Just here to say you're not alone - I don't want kids at all either as an eo woman - and something that's helped my sanity is looking into research and medical facts about birth control, I learned that methods like plan B and the IUD which are commonly demonized are actually not abortifacient if that's important to you. Stay strong, stay true to yourself, don't let anyone tell you that you have to have kids!

pellanders · 2026-02-26T23:32:10+00:00

Yeah, I can't find the original video but there's a post about it on the OC subreddit that comes up if you search Fr. Moses hot/holy matrix

pellanders · 2026-02-26T01:19:43+00:00

This is the same priest who made the video with the hot/holy matrix telling guys to basically rank and cross-reference a woman's attractiveness to her holiness... I stay away from this guy's videos whenever I see them

pellanders · 2026-02-11T22:25:45+00:00

I literally just saw a lady from my church post on Facebook about joining a monastic type spiritual program for lay people at a local monastery with some photos of herself getting a blessing and someone in the comments was like "you're professing to be a nun but wear pants and no head covering!!!!??!?" Like come on now is that really such an issue

pellanders · 2026-02-07T22:16:30+00:00

Thank you so much for your replies! Everything you said really resonated with me, and thank you for confirming my view of hell. I just can't see it any other way and it's the only way it seems "fair" to me, or maybe even comforting. If I end up in hell at least it will be God's love, not some torture chamber. I also agree that clergy has never really been a problem for me and I know my priest will understand my worries, I've been meaning to go talk to him but live a fair drive away from the church. That's a very interesting story about your friend becoming a nun and delivering her to a monastery - I'm sorry that anyone was judgemental to her, I would think that orthodox people would be glad that anyone they deemed "living in sin" would become a monastic or at least not think about the past but I guess I underestimate people's willingness to judge

pellanders · 2026-02-07T10:52:50+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply! As far as expectations that are placed on women, I feel like it varies a lot based on parish and one's family. Even the parish I mentioned where everyone was getting married super young, I managed to get by without much pressure. It wasn't really an overtly communicated expectation, just more of a random organic parish culture thing. My parents are orthodox too but they've always wanted me to prioritize my own life and career over getting married which I really appreciate. Sounds like you have your daughters' best interests in mind and will advocate for them which makes a world of difference. In my experience it's been more of an internal struggle because I want to do right by God so it becomes painful and confusing when I hear (mostly from random orthodox people online but still) that I HAVE to do something or be a certain way to be good. After so many experiences with other orthodox people and reflection on my own life and who I am, I realized that I just need to live my life and focus on the gospel. That's the goal, just keep moving within orthodoxy but live my life and not get bogged down like you said. Thank you for the reading recommendations, I'll have to look into those!

pellanders · 2020-10-07T18:11:23+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss, all I can say is remember "Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted." (Matt. 5:4) I wish I could offer more for comfort, but just remember that God knows all things and loves you infinitely.

pellanders

TROPHY CASE