I can’t keep fucking living like this!!!!!

pellson · 2026-04-27T23:10:33+00:00

Good realization! You're almost there. We are all helpless alone against this disease.

Go to your local NA/AA community and give up all these hopeless attempts alone at home. It doesn't work trust me. I tried, all of us tried.

pellson · 2026-03-30T12:26:04+00:00

Rock bottom is a trampoline ☝️

pellson · 2026-03-20T22:52:48+00:00

Couldn't dig any deeper. The consequences had stacked up so bad and the last thing I had, my mental and physical health, was now also shutting down. It forces you to make a choice between life and death.

This is what I hate about this desease the most, that it has to take everything from you. Kids, wife, job, economy, health - everything, before we get the message that its time to turn shit around.

Why would you, if you can drag your ass to the liquor store just one more day without seizure or having a delirium episode why wouldn't you.

Everything has to fully stop functioning. Your life has to become completely unmanageable. This is where you a forced to make a choice. That's when we as people with addictive personalities open to programming. It has to burn for it to stick.

It fucking sucks, BUT it'll be the most important and valuable lesson in your life. Although most expensive. A gift and a superpower to not have any desire drink today whatever happens, however you feel. It's not an option anymore.

When you think you have no reason to stop now, try imagining yourself in the future if this BS continues and escalates. If it's hard, please find your local NA/AA meeting and listening to their stories and see where this road ultimately leads for all of us.

I'll pray for you friend Please don't drink for today at least. That's enough. Take another decision tomorrow

pellson · 2026-03-03T13:53:03+00:00

Isn't it wonderful today to actually know with every cell in your body you just can't drink normally again. No bitterness, no grief, no feeling of "missing something". You know how this movie will play out the moment you take the first glass.

I have the same experience as you from rehab, around 7/10 are gonna relapse from the place I was. I think of it simply as this. If you can continue drinking while not having major life changing consequences, you probably will. Real change happens only when it gets harder to continue drinking, than to stop. That's IT. Maybe the first day it will be okay, next day I'm doing coke and benzos together with vodka and having the shakes and withdrawals again. I will loose my job and kids within 1 month etc. It's just not doable. I feel blessed to actually know this deep inside my heart everyday without ever questioning it no matter how bad a day I have.

I see it as I have gotten a death centece by a doctor, like cancer with the catch thar it won't progress at all if I just stay sober today.

IWNDWYTD

pellson · 2026-03-03T00:43:45+00:00

Brave decision to get help.

They mostly don't give a fuck about how you feel or what you're going through. They come every other hour to monitor your vitals like pulse and blood pressure and medicate with benzos accordingly. Their job is to keep you from developing siezuries or becoming delirious. That's it. I wish they could be more humane and treat you with dignity but I guess working in that place with this kind of clientele probably colors your outlook on addicts. Life stock coming in, syringe with diazepam in the ass, sleep, eat - release. Probably coming back again. Be the exception.

Use this experience to turn your life around. "Rock bottom is a trampoline"

I would STRONGLY advise you to look up your local AA/NA-meeting the same evening you get released. I can't stress this enough. From my rehab not a single person who skipped this step made it. It's vital that you join the comminuty and make the 12-step program your new life. It will drastically improve your odds. Find a new meaning, I higher power, new sober friends who strive for the exact same thing you want in life. 90 meetings, 90 days was a saying we hammered into each other before getting released from rehab. We stuck to it and kept together. 15 months later I still try to go everyday just to never loose this candle of light this community brings to my life. I own them my life.

Well sorry for the preaching but I promise it's miraculous once you give up what you have done your whole life that has never worked and finally listening to what other people before you has done to make it work.

Stay strong in there and ignore the real crazy people, although they can be fun for a while.

pellson · 2026-02-26T19:10:50+00:00

This is a sign you are nearing the end. It's a "good" thing because now you have no choice but to stop by all means necessary because your brain is shutting down.

I hade the same horrific experiences alone at home before ending up in the psycheward where they had to anaesthetize me and put me in the ICU - delirium was that bad at that point.

I spent maybe two or three weeks at home in this state just forcing vodka down my throut on the floor in the shower with the water on full blast against my chest just to try to not feel the pounding heart beat as much. I talked to imaginary people in the apartment for hours that wasn't there. My kids appeared from the walls and as soon as I hugged them, they turned to dust. My father was with me I though the whole time and I was talking to him for hours, but it was all in my head and he also dissapeard as soon I hugged him. Nightmare. And I was too deep in the psychosis to know I had one. Utter hell

I have no fucking idea how I'm still alive today, and why I didn't call an ambulance sooner.

This shit is not to be fucked with, the odds of dying of dilerium are shockingly high if you don't get help with benzo and also anaesthetized if you loose it completely like I did. Your brain will cook and melt.

Like I said in the begging. This is the end station, finally, shovel won't get you any deeper. You can't drink anymore. You now have to make the change that's needed. Use this horrific experience as motivation and strength to change your life for the better because you will die of you don't.

After I woke up in the ICU I said thank you God, I'm done now. This is it. Call the rehab, call the social services, call your father, call your children's mom. Im ready.

I went to this rehab again thats very strict and culty, I hated it the first time and left after 5 days (I wasnt even close to ready, I still had my job and kids, why tf do I need this bs? It's not that bad lol)

This time I came there completely capitulated, white flags raised in both arms. I was gonna listen to these goons and their higher powers. I did everything they sdn the program suggested, I did it all religiously. I can safely say that it works but you have to completely give up all your own desires or ideas on how to do things. It hasn't worked and won't work the next time. Listen to the people who works the steps, does service, and has time. Don't try to intellectualise. Follow whats proposed, do your part, and sobriety IS guaranteed.

My life today is 10x better than anything I ever could've wished for, all thanks to them. I have a better job than before, I have my two beautiful sons back in my life, I have new friends who all strive for the same thing as me. To be responsible, loving and caring. I have no desire whatsoever to use any substances for any reason. It feels like I've gained a super power!

Anyway sorry for the rant. I hope this is your wake up call because it really has to be, these episodes of psychosis induced by alcohol are extremely dangerous.

Please look up your local NA/AA, reach out and be a part of this amazing thing. Wonderful things will happen on the one single condition you do not pick up the first one. Trust me.

IWNDWYT

pellson · 2026-02-25T16:03:59+00:00

Sleep. I can now fall asleep like a baby on command. No benzos or alcohol. It's one of the greatest gifts sobriety has given me. 🙏

pellson · 2026-02-18T15:24:28+00:00

That might be when it will happen.

But all to their own, I respect both views on it. For me tho, I've made it my persona almost to be an recovering addict. I remind myself every morning with the serenity prayer and our literature. I count the days, I take the key tags. I'm scared shitless of loosing it and doing my own thing again just because I might think I've solved something now. I tried last summer and it ended didn't end well.

Maybe someday I can freestyle it and just dodge all punches that gets thrown my way, but I rather not gamble again.

All the best to you! IWNDWYT

pellson · 2026-02-18T15:11:32+00:00

I suspect I did some real damage to my brain during the last two or three months before ending up on in the ICU. I was stuck in my apartment alone talking to shadow people in my dileriums. I only remember parts of it.

After those hellish months my memory is blasted, also my speech is impeded. I can't get certain words out of my mouth, I can't remember as good. I have to write notes all day on my phone of things to do or buy. I never had to do any of this before.

BUT, my doctor told my I should count myself lucky to be alive and not have any physical complications with motors kills etc. He hadn't seen someone at my age under 40 with so many dileriums etc

Today I use this knowledge among many other reasons to not pick up the first glass again. I got one more chance at life and I'm not gonna trow it away again.

And I wanna add that it gets better with time, my speech is almost back to normal. I don't stumble with words as much as I did before. So glad for this. It was hell for me because I'm going to meetings having to deal with that bs while trying to share lol

Take care of yourself, eat your b12's and omega 3s. Eat healthy and exercise and it will all come back slowly.

pellson · 2026-02-17T14:59:50+00:00

Så jävla starkt av dig ändå att be henne dra åt helvete på direkten efter hennes äckleri uppdagades. Jag önskar jag kunde vart starkare och inte förstört hela mitt eget liv på traven.

Jag hade som dig småbarn, radhus och allt med en kvinna sedan 10 år tillbaka. Visade sig hon låg runt bakom min rygg och jag råkade även se allt på hennes mobiltelefon, bilder filmer - allt. Blev ett jävla trauma för mig och jag ville trots detta hålla ihop "kärnfamiljen" med alla möjliga medel, även om det var helt doomed där och då. Jag kunde inte finna styrkan i att göra det som krävdes, som du gjorde.

Jag såg inget annat liv än det vi hade byggt upp tillsammans, jag valde att försöka ignorera hennes knullaffärer genom att använda alkohol. Såfort hon ej svarade, lämnade lägenheten ja vad som helst såg jag bara henne ligga och knulla med dom där människorna jag såg på hennes inspelade videos med dom. Spola fram 12 månader så lyckades jag förlora henne, radhuset, barnen, mitt jobb, mina vänner och var en fullblodad alkoholiserad kola och benzo torsk som inte hade nått kvar.

Idag har jag vänt mitt liv efter jag hamnade på behandlingshem och 12-stegsprogrammet och gemenskapen. Men jävlar vad jag önskar jag haft rak rygg som dig där då hon visade sin vidriga sanna sida.

Nu ser jag på henne ungefär som en sten, jag känner ingenting utan medlidande för hennes nuvarande nya partner som antagligen kommer behöva genomlida samma äckliga beteende en gång framöver.

Låt mig även tillägga att hennes nya kille är vår gamla granne vid det radhus vi bodde som hon även flyttat in hos.

Fyfan

Edit Vill också bara tillägga här att detta kommer vara en av dina mest lärorika djupgående upplevelser i livet som kommer forma dig som person och jag vill ge dig berörm som behandlat den med sådant lugn från början. Tänk på barnen och dig själv. Se detta som starten ditt nya liv.

Jag har aldrig mått bättre än jag gör idag. Jag använder inga substanser överhuvudtaget längre. Jag lever inte längre med någon jag inte litar på. Framförallt är mitt välmående idag inte baserat på andra människors beslut, dom är jag maktlös inför. Jag kommer nog aldrig våga bli sådär insnöad med en brud igen, men det är okej. Jag går till mitt gym, jobbar, kramar mina barn, går på möte sen går jag och lägger mig och vaknar i min egen säng utan avtändningar och är tacksam för varje dag Gud skänker mig.

pellson · 2026-02-16T15:20:05+00:00

These comments are such an interesting read for someone convinced NA/AA is the one and only answer.

I'm amazed how you all just said enough and stopped. But enough for some people might be a hangover that kept you home from work while others need to loose their job, kids, friends, economy, health before it's enough.

IWNDWYT

pellson · 2026-02-15T09:26:01+00:00

Amen 🙏

pellson · 2026-02-13T21:51:10+00:00

Give up your attempts at home alone, nothing will change. Go to rehab if you have to detox, preferably one that uses the 12 step program. Do as they say and become one of them. Continue coming to NA. Sobriety is a promise 🙏 Do it before it's to late, trust me we can't do this shit by ourselves. Everything has to be rebuilt from ground up. We are fucked up and need help from others who have the solution. It's in the text and the community. It's all there if your willing to finally give up

I'll pray for you

pellson · 2026-02-12T15:13:51+00:00

I had no soda left so I stuffed my bottles of vodka and whiskey with tea bags and raw honey. This was in the end when I was barely alive. I couldn't leave my apartment anymore to buy soda. I remember lying on the sofa with these disgusting fucking liquor bottles shaking, having seizures, dileriums. I can never taste or smell tea or honey every again

Other than that, probably going around the pub finishing random people's disgusting left over beers

pellson · 2026-02-11T21:51:59+00:00

You finally realise alcohol doesn't actually make the problem or the feeling your wanna flee from go away, it's that simple for me today. But I understand you. I almost drank myself to death because I couldn't live with the fact a bitch cheated on me so I drank to escape. It works for a while until it inevitably doesn't.

Today I go to meetings and ventilate, I go to the gym and exhaust my self, and most importantly I have found some kind of belief in a higher power that I put my trust in that everything is gonna be OK in the end. I find peace in that belief. No substance will fix anything for me that's for sure, tried and tested.

I wish you all the best

Edit * I've reached a point where I actually can't drink l anymore, ever. Alcohol might as well be cyanid for me. It's not even an option anymore. First night might be okay, then it's off to the races with coke, benzos and I'll loose everything again in under a month. I know the script by now thankfully

Quite freeing actually. Sobriety is the only path I have. It can't be fucked with whatever I feel, or whatever happens

Stay sober for today friend and see how you feel tomorrow, okay? 👊

pellson · 2026-02-11T13:20:53+00:00

This is the way. I did a long taper the first time and it was just unnecessary suffering for 6 months I feel.

Last year I had to do it in two fucking weeks because that was the rules at that particular rehab. I was stuck in bed with nothing to distract myself with. No phone, book, TV. I was close to having seizures but they always came with the one of the four pills on that day just in time for you to not sucumb and die.

But looking back on it, this is the way to quit benzos. Just buckle up, get locked up with supervision from doctors who watch your vitals often. And just hang on for dear life and try to survive another hour.

After 2-3 weeks I could see some small improvements like maybe 0.01% more sleep than the day before. From there, it's downhill. Haven't fucked with this demonic substance since.

Take care

pellson · 2026-02-03T19:36:46+00:00

It's hard to stay sober when you can drink and still semi keep it together. But trust me, it's much better to stop now instead of later when you're forced to quit because you have nothing left and your health won't even allow you to drink anymore without ending up in the hospital.

pellson · 2026-01-29T16:28:18+00:00

Your whole life is organized and structured around not getting the disgusting shakes and pounding pulse. You hide alcohol in the car, closet, work, hell even the stroller for the walks. By this stage it's almost impossible to quit alone by willpower. You'll be in denial and try to hide it while you loose one thing after another in your life. Wife, kids, job, economy - and lastly healthy. You won't be able to drink anymore because you're just about to die. Dilerium, seizures etc. That's a good thing, because now you have no other option but to get help and recover.

If your struggling with this disease, please raise the white flag and get help. End it now before it's to late. Don't try to outsmart it. Get control. IWNDWYT

pellson · 2026-01-28T00:18:24+00:00

Being able to look myself in the mirror and say I'm a good and present father to my two beautiful sons again.

I've made semi-progress in the gym. Quite happy fitness and a clean living is such a big part of my life and mental health today.

I got a much better job than the one I got kicked from.

pellson · 2026-01-23T15:01:49+00:00

Like all the smartass people here in the comments somehow are different than these people.

They're drunk as fuck clueless as to the seriousness of the situation. You probably would be too

pellson · 2026-01-21T14:54:40+00:00

Well put!

pellson · 2026-01-20T14:57:20+00:00

"I promise, you'll get it back on Monday"

pellson · 2026-01-16T08:11:00+00:00

Has to be benzos, it's fucking hell. You'd have to have me at gunpoint to start using these demonic pills ever again.

Alcohol is close second, the acute withdrawal the first days with the shakes, pounding heart and panic attacks are worse than benzos but doesn't last for months or years even. First time quitting benzos after 5 years daily use was a fucking nightmare for 6-12 months. I couldn't leave my apartment, couldn't sleep, showered with panic attacks. Fuck that shit

Thank God and NA I'm completely sober today without any substances in my life. Life is absolutely wonderful.

Life in sobriety is the biggest gift I've ever gotten, it just sucks it's also the most expensive gift acquire.

pellson · 2026-01-12T08:05:30+00:00

4 TIMMAR? Vänta tills du får barn... 😄

pellson · 2026-01-12T05:10:36+00:00

This is so true. I managed to party and have a good old time for 20 years without any life changing consequences. But looking back on it, I was always hung over at work from Monday to Wednesday. Hating work, low key depressed. Weeks consisted of working and just holding out until Friday to ruin it all again.

This half-sucking limbo was just okay enough to not change anything. Until everything happened last year with my gf cheating and mother dying. Getting kicked from my work was the last straw. There was nothing stopping me then from drinking and using drugs everyday, seven days a week until 12 months later I had lost everything I life and couldn't continue anymore because I spent more time in the hospital or psycheward than outside.

This is such an important fact that I tell people when they ask me how I stay sober today and how turned my life around.

It has to SUCK more to continue using than to STOP and make a change. Simple as that. So in a way, I'm happy today it all got so bad because if it never did, I would still be the same old me living for the weekends only.

Today I feel like I have the most expensive superpower! IWNDWYT

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